Something To Think About.

So I’ve finally realized that everything that my mother said in my life has sunk into my brain.

 

 

My mom has been always a constant supporter. She has always told to never give up and that even though “it wouldn’t be forever” to put your heart into it anyway. She always told me not step backwards even if it was more comfortable then where I was at that moment, that one day where I was standing would get too comfortable and I would have to move on. But one of the most important things she told me was to finish what you started. If it meant dancing till the recital or finishing a class even though it was hard. You will feel accomplished once it was over and that you never backed down even if it got hard.

 

and now I am telling others to do the same.

 

There are many people who have no confidence and granted, even though my mother’s words of wisdom helped me throughout life, I wasn’t the most confident person in the world. Going through tasks in my life, I doubted myself and my decisions but with my decisions became lessons. Even though they were learned the excuenatingly hard way, they were lessons I had to learn to be the person I am today. Some people fall and sometimes don’t get back up and I wish I could help the world. I wish they all had a mother that said “why are you falling? Is it comfortable on the ground? Why aren’t you getting back up and proving them wrong?”

 

I had a friend who was like that. All he wanted to do was prove people wrong, even though he may have been wrong, he was never going to prove the other man right. In a way that showed me that you can have confidence even if youre wrong but if you know youre wrong, own up to do. Admit that you are wrong and move on. But this friend fought with the world and tried to show the world he was better, but in the end, the world won.

 

I also have another friend who is the complete opposite. He thinks that the world and the people who bring him down are right. I used to be like that. But just like you are wrong sometimes, the world is also wrong too. People make judgments and critize people who shouldn’t be critized, but that’s how the world works.  People who are strong can find the balance. To have confidence but also take the critisms and run with it. Make yourself better for yourself.

 

I wish everyone had a mom like mine. I hope one day if unfortunately I have children, I hope to be a mom like her. She may have her moments of self doubt but she is level headed and is able to have that balance of confidence to self doubt. I know there are moms out there who are the opposite of mine. They tell their kids they aren’t going to be successful and won’t do anything with their lives. How do you expect the kid to be confident in themselves if the only support they think they have doesn’t support them?

 

I hope people find the support they need to get through life. Because even though life may be hard, life is a forest, pick a trail and run.

 

 

Sarah.

Happy Mother’s Day.

 

Oh Mom, I love you so much.

 

I gotta say this mother’s day is a little more special to me. This year I have gained a lot of women in my life that love me like daughters and I care about and appreciate what they do for me. From caring for me as I smack my head, to guiding me through my academic life these women in my life are always there. My own flesh and blood mother will always be my constant support academically,emotionally and physically. When picking out flowers for my Boyfriend’s mom yesterday I was thinking about all the sons and daughter who won’t get to see their moms on mothers day. Either they are up in heaven or on the other side of the world. I have a facebook friend who skyped with her family and posted pictures because she goes to school all year around. I hope I am here every Mother’s day because it would break my heart not to see my mom on her special day. My mother and I have a bond that no one will break. We may not always get along, she may not always like my decisions, but she  supports me and will never walk away. She is the one I talk to when I come home late and the first person who texts me in the morning when I am not home. I love her with all my heart, and I wish she wasn’t working today, but I am glad I got to spend the day with her yesterday.

 

To all my Moms… but most importantly my real mom.

Happy Mother’s Day

 

Love Sarah.

Window Watching

Hands.smooth

chipped polish you slide your hand against the canvas

painted with reds and pinks  my viens like lines curves,  my hips

The sun peeks, wanting to see the play, the clouds dancing in a ballroom

You the star, but the stars are sleeping

and you and I standing. silk melts

hitting the floor and nerves float out the window like cigarette smoke.

the audience  sees blurred

but you and I can only dance.

Draft #1: Fail.

I don’t know where

we are headed

Or if we are headed

at all but I have waited weeks

months,year for something

to happen but nothing

has changed.

I tell myself that it’s just me

That I am the problem

The equal sign does not show

The answers that I

can form.

Equations,formulas

The eraser instead of point

Scratched out

I hear the church bells echo in the  silence

my cries create a harmony The organ and chorus

rattles vibrating chandeliers

Bread handing in the air

And I don’t understand.

You sit. Overstuffed couch sitting

In a pile of  shit (metaphorically)

Waiting for me to come back.Waiting

For something to change,but you and I both know

It wont.

Childhood Fun.

I wanted to touch her.

I wanted to feel what her inner thigh felt like because mine

was smooth like the back of a silver dollar. How her legs shined

against her egg shell white shorts popping out of rich green

around her. I wanted to feel the gravel feet. Callused and raw they bled

after a long day playing. She’d say

“I can barely walk,I must of had too much fun” at the end

Of every summer day.We would all giggle and walk down

our own yellow brick roads once the streetlights came on.

I’d walk with her staring down at the loose stones

avoiding the awkwardness,

we were not friends. But I was going to love her

and care and be there until

she got to her street

even though mine

was 6 blocks away.

contracts.

We stood single file in front of a small window

waiting.

for an emotionless Indian receptionist

with a colored turban and a mustache

she looks down not staring us in the eye because

she doesn’t want to judge us. She hands us the packet

the contract telling us that there is no turning back, we cannot find a neon sign

and run. The fire exit is locked and the only way down is the elevator shaft

but that will make a scene, and we aren’t going to make a scene.

 

we shuffle our feet slowly

against the mucus colored carpet and we think

what would be like if we actually went along with it?

13 to 30 we stand like a unenthusiastic conga line

waiting.

Not waiting for anything important like a movie ticket

or an amusement park ride feeling like clouds are in my throat

This is not like that.

My stomach acid is churning like butter with the little

water I was only allowed to drink and it tastes like skin.

 

I look at the clipboard, the piles of papers

asking me for my social security number,telephone number,

my insurance provider, and my name

and I don’t know

because this isn’t me.

How Easter Has Changed.

Easter. 

 

I never really  thought of Easter as big of a holiday as this year turned out to be. But today was different. Paul ( the new guy) came to dinner with my family and I gotta say, I wouldn’t have what I have any other way. My family loves him, (most) of my friends love him, I love him, it’s all just a wonderful thing. But anyway going back to dinner with my family. It’s funny how a group of people can make you feel so whole even when you think your life is awesome they make it even worth while. At this moment, I am the happiest I will ever be in my life. I have given the opportunity to not only have an amazing family, but also a few amazing friends and an amazing boyfriend. When I was young I thought noone was going to understand me or try to get me. They would judge me but. But right now, no one…. noone is judging me. I am finally genuially happy. My life is exciting and I am eager to see where 5 years down the line takes me. 

Here are some pictures of the day:

Paul and I 

 

My mom made an arrangement for Paul’s family. 

 

I have more but i can’t figure out why instagram online can’t put pictures on other sites.. bullshit…

 

Happy Easter everyone!

Why I am the Luckiest Girl in the World.

I think I am the luckiest girl in the entire world. 

I know I shouldn’t be doing this on my blog but I wanted to tell the world how happy I am and that there is still hope for the world. 

Two weeks ago, I finally realized that I can matter to someone and how even though I thought I was garbage and other people told me I was garbage, someone thought I wasn’t and loved everything about me. from my annoying laugh to my very complex mind and my stupid stories. He liked my gaped teeth smile and how I wasn’t a skinny bitch and for the first time I didn’t have to change who I was to make him happy and I didn’t have to work so hard and pretend to be someone I am not.

I met a person that tells me that I am beautiful and will continue to tell me until I accept it for myself. It’s amazing finally finding someone who loves every single part of you  and even things you don’t even notice about yourself. When you find someone who is so excited to see you, and not try to get in your pants or just to suck your lips off. This person is amazing to me because I thought every man was an asshole; i guess I was wron

I never realized how much shit I was dealing with until it was gone. How feerer I feel about myself and how life can be so relaxing and not so hard and complicated. I am the type of person who is used to being beat up and hurt and  stuck doing all the work ,but now, I don’t have to do anything. I’ve never smiled so much in my life. He is opening doors for me that I didn’t even know they even existed. 

and I finally found a person who loves me. 

and that’s why I am the luckiest girl in the world. 

 

 

Ars Poetica

I want to fuck my editor.

I want him to plant his seedinto every word

fertilizing it with red ink and anger.

stroking the pen against paper delicately,

making me feel fizzy

But flat.

Ripping off my top and deleting it

so he can take a look at the similies and metaphors

sucking them till they pop. He’ll scan it

analyzing every muscle, every tense spot.

“work from the bottom and up each stanza”

I crouch down and look down at his tan bare feet

and think

Maybe we can make this ours

A little sexy Ars Poetica…

Wanted to thank  http://ericmvogt.wordpress.com for nominating me for my first award. It’s an amazing feeling to be recongized. I try to write poetry thats not all love poetry and when I do challenge myself and someone notices I really appreciate it. Thank you Eric!!

Traveling around the Country for Poetry

 

Next Trip: Massachusetts Poetry Festival in Salem! 

http://masspoetry.org/

AWP was such a wonderful time! If anyone gets the opportunity to go, GO it’s such an experience.

 

My fellow writers, has anyone gone to any festivals or conferences? and if you have what one was your favorite?

Eager to hear your responses

sarah.