I thought since I have known him for a year writing one last piece about him would be appropriate. I don’t think since I’ve known him 12 months,52 weeks,and 365 days that this would be considered creepy, but I’m a creep…so who knows.
Love. That is the only word that would describe the last year. Before this year, I never truly knew what love was. I thought I was in love. I told myself I was in love, but in reality, I wasn’t. I could replay the first day I laid my eyes on Scottie. I was still in High School. I was smoking pot everyday and I thought if I smoked pot and hung out with younger kids I wouldn’t have to grow up. I was afraid to grow up. I didn’t want to have the responsibilities that being 18 years old brought. Applebees was a place I went usually every month with my friends. It was a place where we would have dinner on Friday nights. It was a place that held many memories. The day I met Scottie,was just like any other time there. When I saw him for the first time, I was stunned. I never noticed the waiters that served our food. They were just there; but today was different. When I looked at him, I remembered I begin to trip over my words. He said he played darts. I thought that was really cool because I played darts too. He seemed mysterious with his 5’oclock shadow and his slightly long hair. I wanted to get to know him . I have gotten to the opportunity to only get to know him, but I have gotten the opportunity to fall in love with the strangest most mysterious man I have ever met.
I remember when I realized he wasn’t going to be like any other guy in my life. I knew he wanted to get in my pants, but unlike other girls, I didn’t give in right away. I pulled him along, testing him to see if I really wanted to sleep with him and to see what kind of guy he was. I didn’t know him long enough, but the more I went to Applebee’s and the more I saw him, the deeper I fell. The feelings that were going on around me was something I had never felt before. The day before I decided that sleeping with him was going to be a possibility, I remember I stood in my shower and thought about my life. I was 18 years old. I was a virgin. I knew that I strangely cared about this person I didn’t really know that well, and no one could help me make me this decision.
With him, I never had to feel insecure with myself. I knew then, I made the right decision.When I looked at him, I saw an eighteen year old boy staring back at me. I never looked at him and saw the age he was “telling me” he was. Age didn’t matter when it came to him. If he was a fifteen year old boy, I wouldn’t have cared. The more I saw him, the more I wanted to change as a human being. I wanted to become older. I wanted to have more things to talk about. I wanted to be mature, and hanging out with fifteen year old pot heads was the farthest from mature. When I was with my friends, I missed him. I didn’t want to be there, surrounded by people who didn’t want to be in the world they were in. They wanted to alter their brains because they thought it was cool. After meeting Scottie, my life was incredible sober. Being chemically high would have ruined the natural high I was feeling.
As the months progressed on,the harder it was to leave his apartment every week. He was the last person I thought about when I went to bed at night. For awhile I used to wait up until he got home from work so I could say goodnight to him, but now I don’t.
I remember one early morning I laid next to him on his couch. It was a chilly morning in June and I arrived in my pajamas. I was supposed to be in school, but I decided that very day I was going to go in late. When you are a senior in High School, you don’t do much. They weren’t going to miss me. I was procrastinating on going to school that day at all because it was his only day off, but he insisted I would go to school. He wanted me to get an education, even if it was just watching movies. I realized at that moment, he was the adult and I was the child. I was never going to go their instead of school again. I didn’t want him to treat me like a little kid. I wanted to be on the same pedestal as him. I didn’t want him to think he had to take care of me. I wanted to be his friend, and not some chick.
As troubles and triumphs entered my life, he was there; being the cheerleader in the shadows. He wanted me to be happy, and I knew he was the only one that could do that. As we became closer, my trips to Applebee’s became more frequent. I now can tell you half the menu, its pathetic. When I used to go to Applebee’s with my friends, the other employees got to know who I was. First I was that creepy girl, then I was Scottie’s girl, and now I’m just Sarah. When I sat down at my table, I would look over and smile and like an idiot as I giggled immaturely with my friends. He would look over smile and roll his eyes. My friends came to realize I wasn’t just there for the shitty food and the good ambiance, I was there to see someone.
My relationship with Scottie was very inclusive for a while. I would go to his apartment, hang out, sleep and leave. One day I invited my friend at the time, Alyssa to stop by. Boy, was that a mistake. I enjoyed the company I had with Scottie so much that I stupidly thought others would agree. My only child jealously kicked in. The second she came over, the second I wanted her to leave. The mood changed drastically, and I was no longer “the girlfriend”, I was now the sisterly friend. It was so frustrating. I wanted the old Scottie back, the one who I thought was mine. Scottie and Alyssa formed a Love/hate friendship that I was not part of. It was scary because I felt like I was now sharing him and that was something I didn’t want to do. I decided I was going to stop talking to him completely. If Alyssa was a good friend, she would have realized why I left Scottie at the time. She never noticed why, She only encouraged me to find someone else. But that was something I was defiantly not capable of doing.
After Scottie started to meet some of my friends, our friendship and our relationship started to become more exclusive. We started going out to eat instead of just getting take out. We started going shopping, and sometimes he would come to visit me at my job. It was nice. Our relationship was a complicated one. One minute we could be dating, and the next we are just friends. I knew on my end, it was consistent. I was in love with him. I was proud to be with him when we went out. I felt cool when I was with him. I always wondered what the other people who saw us together thought. When people saw me look at him, they realized what we were, even when sometimes I didn’t even know.
He is my best friend. He has seen me at my very worst and he has seen me at my best. He’s seen me sick and gross, in pain, emotionally broken, or just plain tired.He is a guy I can be straightforward with. If I don’t want to do something, he will listen.I’m not going to lie and say that he’s never hurt me. Ofcourse he has. But my heart belonged and will always belong to him, even though he may not want it. Together we have gone through so pretty tough stuff that without him there, I don’t think I could have survived.
He makes me smile always. I feel like he knows when I am thinking about him, and then he’ll surprise me. Like right now, ironically. He always makes me feel safe, and wanted in this terrible world. I swear he can read my mind sometimes. I would be lost without Scottie in my life. This is the longest relationship I’ve ever had. I wouldn’t have traded it for the world.
I love you Moosie. I will love you forever and back.