Today has been very fun and weird at the same time.
I’ve been doing alot of thinking, which I think isn’t a good thing.About 3/4 of the day was me thinking. In the last year, I have changed so much. I am no longer friends with people I was friends with. I have overcome obstacles I thought I’d never make it through, and I have learn more in the last year then I have ever in my life.
I feel like everyone is telling me stuff to do and I can’t think for myself. I know I can do better, I know I shouldn’t be so focused on my writing, I know I need to stop being a doormat, I understand. As much as people tell me, it sinks in. And everytime someone says that, it hurts more and more.Because, I know. I know I can do so much better in my love life, I know I can become the writer/editor I want to be.I know I need to stop giving in to him. I say this to myself everyday… I don’t need people telling me.
I wish people understood where I was coming from. If I am in love with a man, I can be.Yes, he has taken advantage of me, and used me…. I am well aware. But for all the married people,picture someone bullying you into divorcing your husband/wife because someone says you can do better. I am not saying I feel like we are married… no. But I feel like we have gone through so much that I can’t be like “oh I am sorry… someone is telling me I can do better than you so bye.”
Throughout my life, I have had a difficult time keeping friends. They always said I was clingy or they just stopped liking me. Everytime I lost a friend it crushed me. Maybe because I am an only child, I don’t know, but with guys it is the same way. I think losing friends is a more painful expereince.So with him, it will be difficult because he is my best friend.When all that shit happened with my best friend Alyssa, I couldn’t lose both. I know emotionally, I couldn’t do it. Some people don’t understand how I am. They don’t understand that I’ve been hurt so many times that I know what my heart can handle. I know that I cannot lose 2 best friends at the same time. I’ve done it before and it killed me.I don’t want to go through it again.
I am getting tired of defending myself. But I dont want to give in. I don’t want to show people I will give in. I want to be happy. I am the happiest when I am with him, and I feel the worest when I leave him. I miss him everyday, and I am well aware he couldn’t give two shits about me. If he did he wouldn’t have done what he did. I appreciate everyone looking out for me, but I don’t need anyone looking out for me. I have bad luck with friends, the majority of the people I was best friends with, were assholes or just scum.
I feel like I am letting everyone down, especially my mom. Her opinion means the most to me and I am not listening to her. When I talk to her, I feel like everything that I’m feeling is normal. Today someone told me I disappointed them… I hate hearing that. I feel like once I disappoint one.. I’ve disappointed them all. Once you disappoint someone, its worse than having someone be mad at you. When they are mad, they will get over it, but once they are disappointed, there is no turning back.
I was called an idiot 3 times today. It made me start thinking… as happy as I am.. maybe I am an idiot. It breaks my heart either way… I’m stuck in the middle of my own problem.
I’m sorry I’m ranting. I need to sleep.