I look back on the days

When I craved clouds

Like chocolates. I related to rain as it dripped

like blood on the soulless earth.

I never felt the sun hug my face

the grass tickle my feet. I heard fingernails tapping on hardwood waiting

for answers I can no longer give.

Where has the time gone,

when the people holding hands made me


When sirens were harmonizing with my moans as I was pounded

into the sheets like meat.

Now I am sitting on clouds looking down at a skeleton

that wishes to be in a closet.

WordPress hasn’t been working for me for a couple days. So here’s my poem. I’ll have a poem for tomorrow too. Sorry!

Looking Back.


Stepping in the Right Direction.

It’s funny what a year can do. It’s funny how time can change a person so much you don’t even realize it. I was reading back at my old posts from the beginning of this blogging adventure and I must say that I was one immature chick. I was whining and talking about the same things over and over and over again. I realize you people are not idiots and have gotten my point, but I am not as cooky as you think.

I haven’t written on here in a while and in a way, I miss it. I miss writing my thoughts down and being able to see my thought pattern, even though its crazy and unorganized.But in the hiatus of time I have changed a little as a person. I am now 20 years old and I think   I am finally seeing how the world is supposed to be. How I am supposed to be. But in another way, its just another thing I am putting on the backburner. It’s just another thing I have to do. It used to be a relaxing thing but after a while it became a chore, and I am not into chores one bit.

Now that I am back (for now), I realize that this blog is about me but not the me sitting here now. My life isn’t all that interesting. I am just a 20 year college student from New Jersey trying to follow a dream. Everyone has a dream. All college kids have goals, why am I pointed out, why is my dream more important than others?

Today I was talking to my friend John about goals.  After a long time  he is very close to his goal,his dream. He got out of an enviroment that wasn’t fit for him, he focused on more than just partying and drinking and now he is in the right place at the right time. I asked him how it must feel knowing that it’s so close, so right in your face. I don’t know what I would do if that was me. He said it was an awesome feeling and that he has no regrets.

Maybe getting a successful blog is my goal and writing on here is just another step in the right direction. The other day I got asked to read at my professors Visiting Writer Series out of his chapbook. It was an honor and just an another step in the right direction. I feel like I am going through this world with my eyes closed. I don’t know what is the right turn and what is not. But I know whatever road I choose I know you all will be there, supporting me and anxiously eager to know more.


Thank you all for your support.


Mirrors Never Lie.

I look at my reflection

of you holding me from behind

and think how in the world

was I this lucky.

you kiss my neck and my whole body smiles

because at this moment

I am in disbelief

that the woman staring back at me

is actually me.

As a child I was

a girl who longed for love

and was never lucky enough

that worked at being noticed

and always missed the mark

that  thought no man would love her

until the day that it happened.

You smile as our eyes connect

and I see some spark

some firework erupting between us

and at that moment

when the spark starts to sizzle away

I realize  the girl staring back at me

is me.



After a long night, and a quiet drive home, I’m finally convinced that I no longer  am who I was. 


Never Have I Ever.

Have you ever felt like

you knew every crevice

every inch of a person

but in reality

you didn’t know them at all?

Have you laid quietly in your empty bed

and stayed very still

so maybe you can feel them

just like you always have?

Have you wished upon something so hard

that you can’t imagine it not coming true

but in the end

you’re falling right back to the bottom of the mountain?

Have you loved someone so much

that when you think of them

your heart feels like its about explode in your throat?

Did  you ever jump around in your room

and feel like your thirteen

just because he texted you “Sup”

and you think he really cares?

Have you ever watched someone change

and you don’t like what you see?

Have you ever been scared?

Scared of what will

instead of what was.

Have you closed your eyes

and saw him behind them

because thats the only thing that will put you to sleep at night

Have you ever found the one and didn’t get a chance

because you were scared

worried about what if instead of what was

Because What if?

I hate change.I hate change. I hate change. 


Finally Closing the Yearbook.

The other day I was talking to my friend Liz about the last year. I have known liz since we were Freshmen in High School. Since now everyone from High School is back for the summer, I wanted to sit down and talk to her. Out of all my friends, I was the only one that didn’t leave home. Some people went to Rutgers( which is really close), My friend Nicole went to New York City, Lisa went to Rhode Island, and Liz went to Massachusetts. It wasn’t easy for them to come home just for a day to hang out. Plus,they all went to four year schools. I went to Community College.

Since they were away, I didn’t pout until they came home, I went out and got new friends from my college. I wasn’t going to be dependent on them. During the year for Holidays, they came home but I didn’t see them really. Whenever Liz was home I’d see her because she was the closest to me out of the group of friends we had. Liz and I are so polar opposites that we get along. She is a type of girl who is NEVER going to judge me, she maybe a little disappointed but she would never judge me.

So as I sat in Applebee’s having our celebratory “pudding shots” we started talking about the group from High School. Since all of them were away, I realized I didn’t miss them as much as I thought I was going to. I was living my life, as they were living their’s. I was talking to my friend Lisa the other day and she told me that it seemed like I was pushing everyone away, I wasn’t calling them to hang out or anything because now everyone is home. I thought about that for a second and realized that I am so used to being alone that asking these people to hang out is not in my mind because I am not used to them being home. I am used to seeing my college friends. I am used to seeing the other people like Scottie, and Cheekz and friends from jobs like Brittany and others. I am used to the group I have. I have grown to become independent without these other  people.

I don’t mean to push these people away, I am just not used to them being here. Everything has changed ALOT in one year. A year ago this time I was graduating High School. I had a completely different best friend, I didn’t worry so much, I was so wrapped up with being in love that I wasn’t seeing the bigger picture. I was closing the book with all these people. I was closing the book on my adolescents and I didn’t even realize it until now. A year ago I was a kid, and now I am an adult.

Today my mom went to High School reunion. I am not going to tell you how many years but I wonder what it was like? Seeing all the people now, the stereotypes completely insignificant. I don’t know if I’d want to go to a reunion. I don’t think I would want to open the High School book again. It was a weird time in my life. I learned that you should NEVER be dependent on 1 person because if they shit on you, it feels like you are dying. To never experiment with different groups because you might put yourself in a bad situation.

My friends from High School are not the same, and I am certainly am NOT the same.Instead of some people growing into maturity, some of them went backwards. It’s the best time to live a little I guess.. in college you can do that. I don’t think partying is my thing anymore, I did it in High School. It was a short lived thing. I mean I will party once in a while but smoking pot and drinking in the woods and shit is NOT my cup of tea. I am not out to get arrested.

I think I have outgrown my friends a little. Maybe they will catch up, maybe they won’t, we just have to see what happens.


Crystal Balls Don’t Tell You Much.

For the last few days, I have been thinking about my life. Throughout my entire life I have always had at least one friend that was remotely trouble. Yesterday my mom called me the puppy catcher because apparently 9/10 of my friends have now or had in the past had  some weird story or either into alcohol or drugs and trying to pull me down. I strangely think I am going to change these people. I don’t know what I am thinking.

I think I do this because these people need to see the greener grass on the other side. My life is wonderful, most of the time. I have a family that loves me, I have a job, I have supported friends, I have a goal in life and I have a guy in my life that I can depend on. I think my life.is pretty good given the cards I was delt with. But within those positive aspects, they are woven with negatives. Negatives make you stronger. 

.If it wasn’t for negatives in my life I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I wouldn’t know lessons I know now if it wasn’t for it.As I look at old pictures of myself I wonder what it would  like to talk to the old me. To tell her things that she would need to know in the future. Ofcourse the past self wouldn’t understand, but atleast she could be prepared for it. 

I am reading a book called The Future of Us By Jay Asher and let me tell you, it is the most unbelievable mind boggling book i’ve ever read. I mean I’ve read some pretty good books in my life but this book makes me realy think about my actions more than any other book has before. The story starts when Emma ( class of 1997) gets AOL for the first time from her friend Josh ( whos she has known since forever) As she downloads AOL, Facebook comes up. Back in the late 90’s Facebook didn’t even exist. But as Emma looks through this unknown site, she realizes that Facebook is her future 30 years from that moment. With every action she makes, her future gets changed. 

As I continue to read this book ( im only on chaper 29) I wonder if my actions are changing my future. I wonder what I am doing even at this waking moment is changing my entire life.I would love to see my future for a split second, I want to see if I get what I want or make it to places I want to be.

If only I could see the future… that would be amazing.