Childhood Fun.


I wanted to touch her.

I wanted to feel what her inner thigh felt like because mine

was smooth like the back of a silver dollar. How her legs shined

against her egg shell white shorts popping out of rich green

around her. I wanted to feel the gravel feet. Callused and raw they bled

after a long day playing. She’d say

“I can barely walk,I must of had too much fun” at the end

Of every summer day.We would all giggle and walk down

our own yellow brick roads once the streetlights came on.

I’d walk with her staring down at the loose stones

avoiding the awkwardness,

we were not friends. But I was going to love her

and care and be there until

she got to her street

even though mine

was 6 blocks away.

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Mama’s Son.


She stands there

Leaning in the doorway of your bathroom

Listening

Thinking of the next thing to say

But she looks at you

Amazed

You look up at her

smile

Because that’s all you know.

 

Tears rolled down her cheeks

Because she doesn’t know

what

She would do without you.

You giggle

Splashing the toy

Under the warm water.

 

She picks you up

Your shaking body against hers

Wet hair falling

 on her shoulder

Pulling warm clothes

Over wet skin

You cry

Pulling socks over

Your small feet

 

She kisses you

You hug her

Because you don’t know what

you would do

Without her.


For the first time ever, I am really not looking forward to Halloween. As my age progresses I’ve noticed that Halloween is not as exciting as it used to be. I remember getting so excited to look into peoples houses while I trick or treated ( even back then I was a baby creep) I wanted to see how they decorated their house compared to mine. Some peoples houses were disgusting and I always remembered what they gave me and I threw it out. I was a bratty trick or treater. I remember I would bitch to my friends when the old people would give us dollars.. now I would be like ” A twenty would be nice, thanks..” but back then, money was just an object. 

I also noticed that Halloween for my age  now is national “dress up like a hooker day” and I find it really horrendous. #1 I don’t want to see your sexual role playing costumes..at all.. especially in public and #2 why would you want to wear lingerie in public? Isn’t that kind of cold? For me, Halloween is sitting at home eating chinese food and watching scary movies. I leave the boring bowl of pretzels nobody likes outside, and just hang out at home. The costumes are always the same. In my neighborhood, they have probably recycled the same costume for their whole childhood.But you know, I don’t judge. 

This year I wasn’t really in the Halloween spirit. I went to the zombie walk ( for hunger) and enjoyed myself. But other than that, I did nothing “halloweeny”. I am more excited about Thanksgiving. It’s the ultimate cheat day. The funny thing is, I cannot stand Thanksgiving Turkey. The sight of it makes me nausus,but I still can’t wait.

I did however, miss pumpkin painting this year.. but I’m over it. I don’t have time to do my homework.. when would I have time to paint a pumpkin? 

BAH HALLOWEEN! 

Sarah. 

 

Boycotting Halloween.

Magical Wands


When I was little, my mom would read me bedtime stories every night. It was our thing; our bonding time. In a way it taught me how to read by just listening to her voice.   While she read, she would give each of the characters a different voice and it made it more realistic for me. The books that I remember the most were the Harry Potter series.  My mom and I together read books 1-4 and enjoyed every single one of them. As she was reading the books, I became so into the characters and the book itself. I started to dress up and think I could cast spells and other things. I remember I asked my mom if I could go to Hogwarts instead of school that fall. Instead of sending me to Hogwarts, she signed me up for a Harry Potter camp at Poricy Park.

I remember for my first day of camp I wore my Harry Potter cloak and hat that my aunt made me.  It had the characters all over it and it was a royal blue with gold trim. I wasn’t the only one doing this. At 6 years old, we weren’t out to impress. I walked into the science center where the faculty decorated the room just like the Great Hall and stared in pure amazement .Everything was glittery and the house banners were hanging from the walls. It was a small group of us. We were all about 6 or 7 years old and so excited to be there. After the official greeting, we had to be sorted into a house. I was hoping I would get in Gryffindor but it didn’t matter, I liked all of them but Slytherin. We all went up to the talking hat, just like it was in the book,and was assigned a house. I was put in Gryffindor. Hermione was my favorite character and she was also in Gryffindor, so that was pretty cool.

After everyone got sorted into their houses we walked to the woods on the grounds. They were trying to replicate the Forbidden Forest. We had to meet Hagrid. Hagrid was my mom’s favorite character. He lived right outside the forbidden forest in a small hut. Right before entering the woods, there was a wooden hut. A man with a beard walked out of it and greeted us as Hagrid. He told us before we entered the forest; we had to make our wands. With medium sized sticks, we were asked to decorate our wands. We all piled into the hut where there were small desks with stickers, glitter and paint waiting for us. We each grabbed a stick and went to our work station. My stick was a little shorter than the others but I didn’t care, this was my wand. I covered it in silver and pink glitter. Glitter was not only covering the wand, it was also covering me.

As we waited for our wands to dry, Hagrid told us about the dangers of Forbidden Forest and how evil lurks there. I remember from the books that Harry faced many troubles in the Forbidden Forest but he always got out alive, so I was confident I would too. With our glittery wands in hand we walked single file into the forest. I had been in Poricy part woods before, but being in my costume with my wand made seem it like I was transformed into the book. We had to find acorns and stuff or the potions we were going to make and other sticks back at the hut later in the day. We had to collect our things but also watch out for the weeping willow or other dark magic lurking in the forest. I clenched onto my pink wand thinking it could actually work, like it could protect me.

I still have my wand in my night stand. I must sound ridiculous even keeping the old glittery stick, but it’s always there, for my protection and a wonderful memory.

*I had to do an assignment for my creative writing class about an artifact I still have. I still am a Harry Potter nerd. I still love Hermione and I still have my cloak,hat and wand.*

Sarah.

Generations of Women.


So Today is Grandparents Day and I’ve been thinking about my Grandma all day. My grandma died when I was 3 years old, but it feels like yesterday. As I am getting older, my memories of her are fading but I will never forget her. Even in her passing, she has helped me in ways noone can. She has paid for my college education. She has watched over me my whole life, and protecting me every step of the way.I was the last grandchild she had but I wasn’t loved any less. I just wish I had more time with her. She was an amazing woman. She was an amazing mother and she has formed my mom into  a pretty awesome mom.

I was thinking about how some people treat their moms lately. My one friend doesn’t like his mom, but for good reasons. It was a messy divorce and she wasn’t too understanding that the kids were going to get involved too. My other friends mom talks down to her son because he is trying make a life for himself without help, and she doesn’t get that. I think some people shouldn’t be parents.

Some of my friends think its weird of how close I am with my mom. They always ask “why do you tell her everything?” I tell them because she has been my best friend my whole life. She was always the one constant friend I had. She will never stop being my friend either. Some parents don’t know how to balance being a friend  and being a parent at the same time. I think my mom does a pretty good job at that. I had one friend that was friends with her mom before she was the daughter, and in the end, she was surprised because her “friend” was now reprimanding her. My mom and I are really close but I know she always keeps her best interest in me. Now that I am older, there isn’t much reprimanding because she trusts me to know what I am doing. But when I was little, I understood that she had to do it because she loved me. I’d rather have a mom like mine who I can tell things to than a mom that I can’t tell anything to because sometimes being on your own in alot scarier than it looks.

After my observations of other people’s mothers and mine, I know when I have children I am not going to shelter them, it makes them run when they can. My friends mom shelters my friend, still. My friend is 19. You can’t shelter an adult. You can’t tell them they can’t leave the house. When I go out, I tell her I am going, I don’t ask. I only ask if I sleep over someones house still. I think its just a habit. I just don’t want her to worry. My mom and I have an understanding that I need to either check in or atleast let her know whats going on while I am out. I know some kids who won’t call their parents all night, or they’ll ignore their call. Really? How do you know if that’s the last phone call you’ll get from them? I know I sometimes miss my moms calls, but I make sure I call her right back.

People should appreciate their moms today along with their grandparents. If it wasn’t for your grandparents, your parents wouldn’t be the way they are.

Thanks Grandma.

Sarah.

Mirrors Never Lie.


I look at my reflection

of you holding me from behind

and think how in the world

was I this lucky.

you kiss my neck and my whole body smiles

because at this moment

I am in disbelief

that the woman staring back at me

is actually me.

As a child I was

a girl who longed for love

and was never lucky enough

that worked at being noticed

and always missed the mark

that  thought no man would love her

until the day that it happened.

You smile as our eyes connect

and I see some spark

some firework erupting between us

and at that moment

when the spark starts to sizzle away

I realize  the girl staring back at me

is me.

 

 

After a long night, and a quiet drive home, I’m finally convinced that I no longer  am who I was. 

sarah. 

Something I Can’t Change.


I am not a people person

I am not deep,clever

or witty in any sense.

I don’t play with words

just so men will be confused by what I say,

by what I mean.

I listen to country music because I feel the heart

in every word they sing.

I am attracted to men who can protect me

because I am afraid I can’t take care of myself.

I am stuck on a guy who will always care

because he knows I won’t be going anywhere.

I write meaningless poetry because its illegal to kill people

and socially unaccepted to have intercourse in public.

I cry because I have scars that are starting to heal

and some that are still raw and growing infected

that just need to be cleaned.

I hold secrets deep within my soul

and regret and grief  haunt me.

I am envious of pretty girls

because I know I will never be as perfect as them

I am not pale with a curvy figure

and light eyes.

I hide behind laughs and smiles

because I know being depressed gets you nowhere

and I’ve already gone through that phase.

I am worried alot more than I portray

I am afraid of men in the white coats

I am afraid of what they will say.

I don’t want to feel the cold stethoscope

against my breast.

I don’t want to hear how I need to lose weight

by a man I barely know.

I know I am fat

you don’t have to tell me twice.

I may look patient

but in about 2.5 seconds

I could change my mood

because my heart and head play tug of war

and  I don’t know what to think.

I think about  how the world is

and how the times have changed since I was little.

when I didn’t worry about gynecologists

and children and STDS.

I wish upon stars

I pray to people who love me

just like  I always have.

I get a stomach ache when I am nervous.

I studder and get light headed

when I’m mad.

I get excited when I see people I love

My heart is too big for me

and at times I don’t know how to use it

but that’s me.

and that’s something I can’t change

especially not for you.

To Be a Kid Again.


For my summer job, I am a bus aid for a summer school in my town. I am on the bus with 12 pre schoolers. Boy have they made me stay young. Some are autistic but they try to talk to me. I feel so bad for them because I know they didn’t want to be born like this and they want to be like everyone else.

These children make me laugh alot. They think I am so cool because I am older, I think they are cool because they are younger because they have a whole life to live. I doubt they will ever remember me when they get older but right now they enjoy coming on the bus to tell me about what they are going to when they get home, or how they aren’t very excited to get to school. I wouldn’t be either if I had to go all summer to school. I try my very hardest to make the bus ride enjoyable and feel like quicker than it is.

So today as I was at work, I was talking to my little kids on my bus about what they wanted to be when they grew up. It was funny because they were giving me answers that I would never have said at that age. one little boy said “I want to be an olympic swimmer, with no swimmies.” They are four and five years old. Another girl told me she wanted to be a princess but one girl really shocked me, she told me she wanted to be a vet but only for lizards. I was surprised because she is a really girly girl. She told she has had a lizard in her house since she has been born. I thought that was really brave. I hate lizards. They scare me, and they are gross.

I remember when people asked me that question I would tell them I wanted to be a baby doctor. I would watch discovery health channel alot. It was weird, but even thinking about doing that makes me want to dry heave. I wouldn’t want anyone especially babies to be throwing up on me or crying in my face. ( God bless my pediatrician)

I really love talking to little kids because they are so honest. They will tell you they don’t  like or want to do something. They will compliment you and they mean it. They haven’t been corrupted by the social media and the world yet because their world consists of princesses and talking cars. Childrens thoughts are wonderful and beautiful.

When I was little, I remember that I always wanted to grow up. I always wanted to be older because my cousins were older and I wanted to be as cool as them. My cousin Joan especially. When I was little, I was always thought my cousin Joan was too cool for me. She is four years older than me I wanted to be just like her. I wanted to have friends like hers. But I knew that I was always going to be younger than her, now that we are older we have alot more in common and she invites me to go places with her and her friends. I finally belong and I’m not the “baby cousin” anymore.

Little kids have hopes and dreams that in their minds are unrealistic but in their brains, nothing is impossible. I wish adults thought the same. Children don’t have to worry about money and grades and drama and broken hearts. The only terrible thing they have to worry about is whether or not they have a good snack.

For a long time I told myself I didn’t want to have children. I thought they were going to ruin my life. It’s a risky thing because you never know what the father of that child will do. He could just leave you and try to take your child with him. But after being with these kids for the last few weeks. its making me second guessing my boycott against children. Having a kid ( not right now) would be fun, I think. I know my mom had fun. At times I was a pain in the ass but I know no matter what, she will love me and always will.

Enjoy the Day!

Sarah.

Life Goes On…


 It’s funny how over time people seem to fade  in and out of your life for a variety of reasons. It could be as dramatic as huge fights and tears but sometimes, it can be as simple as just growing up and moving on with life.

The other day one of my friends from High School got really upset because I’ve decided that I was going to stop making an effort to see them. They think its going to be same when they come back home from college, its really not. Life doesn’t stop just because you are away from home.

I’ve talked to my other friends who go to Brookdale with me and they said it’s the same with them. After their friends came back from College, they weren’t the same and they weren’t as fun as they remember. I agree 100%. I still talk to a few but the bond I had with those people is no longer there.

I am not saying that I am going to drop all my friends just for my college friends, it doesn’t work like that. But it’s the fact that you change the first year  of college. You think you are now older and more mature. I honestly think I’ve changed a lot since high school. I am disgusted with who I was in high school. I was annoying and immature and didn’t really care about life. I cared about having a good time with pot heads and druggies and not about my future at all. I didn’t know what I wanted to be. I thought whoever didn’t drink was boring and weird and anyone who thought I was weird was even weirder than me. I would sing punk rock music and dance in the hallways because I didn’t care. I wouldn’t be caught dead doing those things now.

A year ago I went back to my middle school to pick up one of my friends brothers. I ran into one from my old teachers and we started talking. He hadn’t seen me in 5 years and he was surprised how much I changed. But he told me something and I won’t ever forget. I was embarrassed of myself for the first time. He said, “You know Sarah, you were such a bitch in school. I’m glad you’ve changed.” I will never forget #1 having my teacher call me a bitch, I wasn’t an asshole to that particular teacher, but teachers talk and #2 that my actions are so unforgettable.

These people need to understand that life goes on. People change. I don’t hate people if I don’t talk to you, I just am not going make an effort. The phone works two ways, if you aren’t going to make an effort, why should I? 

Sarah.

Picture Perfect Dreams.


There are things we dream of

Like a big house and a family

2 boys

1 girl.

A white picket fence

And a golden retriever

That you will probably name buddy

But you see in reality

The fence with get dirty

The children will grow

And life will change.

There won’t be a need for a playground in the backyard

Or lemonade stands in the summer

You will start to worry about

Curfews and dates

And broken hearts

Children think that life is a picket fence

Waiting to be jumped over

But I say it’s more like barbed wire

You must get hurt

In order to escape

This world we live in is very cliche I’ve noticed.. but my  generation is trying to change that, and I am very happy :) 

Congrats to all the 2012 Middletown High School North Grads! You’re finally out of hell! 

Sarah.