I am not a people person
I am not deep,clever
or witty in any sense.
I don’t play with words
just so men will be confused by what I say,
by what I mean.
I listen to country music because I feel the heart
in every word they sing.
I am attracted to men who can protect me
because I am afraid I can’t take care of myself.
I am stuck on a guy who will always care
because he knows I won’t be going anywhere.
I write meaningless poetry because its illegal to kill people
and socially unaccepted to have intercourse in public.
I cry because I have scars that are starting to heal
and some that are still raw and growing infected
that just need to be cleaned.
I hold secrets deep within my soul
and regret and grief haunt me.
I am envious of pretty girls
because I know I will never be as perfect as them
I am not pale with a curvy figure
and light eyes.
I hide behind laughs and smiles
because I know being depressed gets you nowhere
and I’ve already gone through that phase.
I am worried alot more than I portray
I am afraid of men in the white coats
I am afraid of what they will say.
I don’t want to feel the cold stethoscope
against my breast.
I don’t want to hear how I need to lose weight
by a man I barely know.
I know I am fat
you don’t have to tell me twice.
I may look patient
but in about 2.5 seconds
I could change my mood
because my heart and head play tug of war
and I don’t know what to think.
I think about how the world is
and how the times have changed since I was little.
when I didn’t worry about gynecologists
and children and STDS.
I wish upon stars
I pray to people who love me
just like I always have.
I get a stomach ache when I am nervous.
I studder and get light headed
when I’m mad.
I get excited when I see people I love
My heart is too big for me
and at times I don’t know how to use it
but that’s me.
and that’s something I can’t change
especially not for you.