I cry and you stand there

Like a pole lifeless you watch as I get transported back

to a place that had a locked door.

You watch as I rip the veil off my face

and become hollow.

Sunken in you see my bones

But I am too soggy like a wet rag to care.

Tug of war you watch as my mind and body

Pull my limbs like rope until I scream.Wide eyed

You tell me to go, that people are watching, people will think,

People will worry.

The headlights mark where I should be headed

 like a rock I do not budge. I sit watching whizzing

 cars fly down the street like fireflies and I wonder

If they would stop if I stood infront of them.

 what would you do? Watching streetlights hang

like falling stars you wish for another second,

another moment to  sit watch me sleep.




17 Years and Still Mourning

Remember the 6th of June

And all the things we put you through.

 17 years vanished from this earth we crawl

 like cockroaches awaiting this destiny we call purgatory

 but we are not scared.


Remember the 6th of June because on that day

God created an angel that sits in her rocking chair watching

as her family remembers the empty seat.

17 years and never replaced by a warm body

of someone that couldn’t compare.


Remember the 6th of June

and  the smell of red roses, pale skin,

oil paints. Remember the smell of shore washing over the faces

of her grandchildren like waves. Moisture from her memories seeping

into our mourning minds.

We await one day to see her

 to open our hearts and hold her

Just like we had 17 years ago.


Grind #3

Today is my Grandma’s Birthday. She died 17 years ago. It feels like a lifetime, but I know she’s always around.

Happy Birthday Grandma. I love you and miss you very much.




We stood single file in front of a small window


for an emotionless Indian receptionist

with a colored turban and a mustache

she looks down not staring us in the eye because

she doesn’t want to judge us. She hands us the packet

the contract telling us that there is no turning back, we cannot find a neon sign

and run. The fire exit is locked and the only way down is the elevator shaft

but that will make a scene, and we aren’t going to make a scene.


we shuffle our feet slowly

against the mucus colored carpet and we think

what would be like if we actually went along with it?

13 to 30 we stand like a unenthusiastic conga line


Not waiting for anything important like a movie ticket

or an amusement park ride feeling like clouds are in my throat

This is not like that.

My stomach acid is churning like butter with the little

water I was only allowed to drink and it tastes like skin.


I look at the clipboard, the piles of papers

asking me for my social security number,telephone number,

my insurance provider, and my name

and I don’t know

because this isn’t me.

Beautiful Girl.


I watch the men and women

People I knew

People I loved

Black dresses, suits

Emerging into all doors

The clicking of high heels

Echo the empty church

We are waiting

for her

The organ begins to play

An hour glass of time

Till we will see her

Men weeping for a woman

Who touched the young, old

And me, we watch

As she is glides

in a shiny oak casket

Towards the man who she had always loved

Even though he took her only son

The perfume of flowers

Engulf our sense

As our priest

Blankets her in frankincense

Blessing her

And wishing her a safe trip

I watch her daughter

My friend

Stand at a podium

Telling the world how wonderful her mother is


And me thinking

“thank god it wasn’t mine”

salt from my eyes

Slip into my mouth

I look at her


she smiles down

At the mother she once hugged

Once kissed

And says

“I will make you proud mom”

RIP Yvonne Mckay 12/2007

Do you Remember

Do you remember Brother

1971, you were so young

Do remember the choir

Echoing in the empty church

As our grey heroin took her final breaths?

We were all crying brother, wailing

Pleading for her to come back

You screamed

“Someone watch over me”

Do you remember?

Do you remember the silence

the quiet ticking of the clock

counting down the seconds till we’d see her again

Do you remember the moon

It was brighter than ever that night

The Mississippi winter was settling in

And you were cold and alone

Do you remember every morning waiting

Staring out the open window

Watching Snow blanket the solid,dead ground

Do you remember hearing a few sirens

In the distance

Not being concerned, not knowing

Where they were going

Or why


Broken Blood Line

Our veins crossed

Like backroads in a small town.

Blood flowed through us

Like a water slide

You would hold my shoulders tightly,

Squeezing your eyes shut as we flew.

Our heartbeat harmonized

Like the Queen songs

We sang to when we were 17.

Our fingerprints matched

Like our clothes did

Every Christmas

For the first 5 years of our lives.

Today we don’t match

You lay in a box

With your hands folded

Across your chest.

You have a grin on your face

As if you are telling me not to cry

To not be sad that you’re gone

But half of me is lying in a box

Pretending to be sleeping

And I can’t wake me up.



I could never be a twin.


The Steep Mountain

By the mountain bound I walk with thee

through snow and ice you carried me

arms linked,bodies close

how I never wanted  to let go

through the whipping winds you walked

trugging step for step

my face guarded, nuzzeling in your neck

your breathing grows heavy as you climbed

with each step your muscles cried

you held  me a little tighter

grasping onto warmth

each toe getting colder

as we headed up north

I saw the smoke in the distance

we were getting closer

to our final destination

just a few steps further

When we walked up to the door

our bodies fused together

God only knows how long we can stay here

or  if we get kicked out

in the cold for another long day.



Inspired by a poater in the library.. I don’t write like this usually.

Fallen Angels.

Since Today is 9/11 I wanted to remember the fallen soldiers in my blog.

I fortunately was not effected by 9/11. My father on the other hand worked 5 blocks away. He didn’t come home that night and my mother and i were really worried. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I remember my name being called  out of school in the middle of the day from school. I never got picked up from school early so I knew something was up. I remember I thought something happened to my mom and my aunts were picking me up. That’s all I could think of while walking down the hall . Once I opened the office door and saw my mother standing there, I was relieved.I was also confused at the same time. She was taking me back to her work so she could finish the rest of the work day. I asked her what happened, why did she pick me up, and she wouldn’t tell me.

Once we got to her job however, she told me what happened. There was a terrorist attack in New York City and she couldn’t get a hold of my dad. I remember her and I watching the small Tv at her job. It was scary because we didn’t know how dangerous it really was. Once my mom and I got home, I could see the black smoke from over the water at the beach. It was incredibly crazy. We still did not hear from my dad and my mom was getting worried.

September 11th is also my cousin Chris’ birthday. At that time, he was getting his drivers license. We were suppose to go over my aunts house that night for cake and coffee. That never happened. Instead, my mother and I waited by the phone until my dad called to tell us he was okay. The City was crazy that day so our calls wouldn’t go through. I couldn’t imagine how worried my mom was.

Around 11 o’clock that night, the phone rang. It was my dad. He was telling us he was okay but it was going to be a while until he got home. Everything was on lock down and he couldn’t leave the city. You should have seen the relief in my mothers face. As we were watching the Tv, it was horrifying that my dad was in there and okay.

The next day, we found out 37 families in just my neighborhood lost loved ones in this tragedy. Because we are so close to New York, alot of people from my neighborhood work in the city, especially at  the trade centers. It was a sad moment in American History and in our lives.

As Americans we will never forget and we thank all the soldiers who fight for our freedom everyday. Many people from my high school have joined the military and are now currently serving our country. It’s now hitting close to home because now I know them.

I couldn’t belong to the military, I think I’d be afraid. I don’t think I’m brave enough to serve.

God bless the Fallen Soldiers… May You rest in Peace.


Putting the Red in Red, White and Blue.

Tonight I was watching one of those 48 hr Hard Evidence shows, and one episode was about how the fellow soldiers of this man, killed him 3 days after he got home from Iraq.They stabbed him 32 times. This man was a solider and he still couldn’t defend himself. All the training in the world couldn’t save him. He survived the war, but couldn’t protect himself from his own people. I think that’s pretty fucking sad.

Recently there has been a number of shootings in the US. People on college campuses, Islamic schools, movie theaters, being bombed because of religion or race or just because they were at the wrong place at the wrong time..According to a friend of mine who’s brother lives close to that  shooting at the Islamic school  said “that the people at the Islamic school were one of the nicest, most ill-harming people and they did not deserve to die.”

I just don’t understand why people have to kill other people? We are all Americans, its like we are shooting one of our own. I don’t understand why people have to run into movie theaters and colleges just to kill people. Look at Columbine and Virginia Tech? Why should we feel frightened to go to school. Are we getting paid to be in danger?

When I listen to these stories about these major shootings, I question the parents of the shooters. Where the hell were they their whole lives? Why in the hell would you not know that your son is capable of shooting down an entire movie theater and boobietrapping apartment buildings and planning it out. Behavior like this doesn’t just come out of blue. This kind of behavior has layers and the more gruesome the killings were, I believe is how thick these layers go.

When I was in elementary school, I had a boy in my class that would constantly bang his head on the table. He was not mentally disabled, as in autistic or anything, he would just get aggravated and bang his head on the table. I later found out that his father would abuse his mother in front of him. He later in high school, made a hit list and gave out sleeping pills to students pretending they were tick tacs.This boy wasn’t a mean person, in reality the bully should be last person you talk to in situations like these. You go back to the quiet ones because they have the time and patience to really think out plans and strategies, unlike the bully who really just likes to hear his own voice.

When I was in middle school, we had many bomb threats. I remember we would have to sit outside as the bomb sniffing dogs would raid our school. The stupid teenager would get arrested and we would go along with our day. I remember the fear in the teachers eyes has they tried to keep us calm. At times we didn’t know if it was real or just a drill. I didn’t live in a bad neighborhood, but the kids were and still dangerous. I can’t tell you how many kids I know that are in the newspaper in the police blogger section ( its a really awesome section). I went to court a few weeks ago, it wasn’t a big deal but as I waiting for my name to be called, I started listening to the other people.Who were there and why, damn it was interesting. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Some of them were for domestic violence, or battery, or possession of a unlawful weapon. An unlawful weapon is like an unregistered gun. These people who were there were just from the three small towns around me. I seriously couldn’t believe it. These people looked like ordinary people. I’ve never noticed how easy people could hide secrets. For all you know, your best friend could be a murderer.

I believe people trust other people way to much. I know some people who don’t even lock their doors. It’s like are trying to get killed? I make sure my car doors are locked when I get in. I make sure I lock all the doors in my house.You never know what will happen when your sleep.

I’ve watched enough cop shows to know that NO ONE, not even the people you think you know, can be trusted. Because who knows, they can be a completely different person once they leave your presence.

Ps. I got a ticket for my expired registration and car insurance, and also for riding a shoulder. Nothing too exciting.


Bloodshed and Broken Hearts in Colorado.

I really can’t believe what this world is really coming to….


After hearing about the shooting in Colorado at the Dark Knight  Rises midnight Premiere and reading this article, I am amazed at some of these people in this country. According to this article, this was the largest shooting the country ( 71 victims total) has ever had. After watching many videos and news reports about this terrifying incident, I found out that the youngest victim dead was a 6 year  old. Someone must be sick minded to kill a small child. The Dark Knight Rises was a well anticipated movie especially since the prequel to that featured the late Heath Ledger. 59 anticipating individuals gathered to the theater with costumes or “batman gear” eagerly waiting to see the film. Who knew that some of them, would never be able to see the ending.

I thought about the movies after hearing about all this and I don’t think I’ve ever been to the movies alone. I mean I guess you could go alone.But it seems kind of weird to me, like you can easily get The Dark Knight Rises on bootleg for the fraction of the cost for a ticket and sit at home and watch it if you can’t get someone to go with you. I don’t know, I think if I  was working at the movies I would find a single person ticket to be a little strange. Apparently the shooter bought a ticket and than snuck out of the emergency exit. Isn’t there like a beeping sound whenever you open one of those doors? Maybe its not like that in Aurora Colorado…. who knows.

According to this one news report I watched, they referred to the victims as “sitting ducks” and personally, I agree.A movie theater, especially for a well anticipated film is a perfect place for a massacre… and movies theaters don’t have security. I know  that for a fact because I’ve snuck into a few R rated moves in my day without a problem. The shooter threw tear gas into the crowd of people and with all that confusion and special effects of the film, I too would have been confused of what was going on. This man who killed all these people was twisted because that tear gas made it impossible for the paramedics to get to the wounded innocent people and some of them died, and that is the worst part.

This one video I watch was from a cell phone that someone took while the aftermath of the massacre was taking place. #1 who in their right mind would take a video of what was going on? I mean sure, it was great for the public but I would be running my ass off so I wouldn’t be shot #2 Who has the guts to stay there? I mean, a man just shot 59 people, randomly. why are you videoing what happened?

I am curious to why people decide to kill innocent people. Like, you don’t know these people… these people are innocent. I don’t understand. The one thing that boggles my mind is that we have drills at the schools now because of Columbine and Virginia Tech.We have to worry about children in the schools, now we have to worry about going to the movies.We can’t do anything alone anymore.

The world we live in  is a rough one… Americans attacking other Americans….can’t we all just take care of each other in this country?

For the victims of the Colorado shooting living and deceased, my heart goes out to you at this tragic time.