Goodbye FDU… for now.


Well as the semester comes to a close, I giggled at the post under this one. Oh how far I’ve come from that. I’ve grown so much in the last few months that I’ve even surprised myself with my ability to be happy without the ones I love around. It’s crazy but I don’t really want to go home now. I love it here so much and I know I’ll come back but the fact that I made it, got through the first semester and did well is so accomplishing. I’ve made so many friends and contacts in the last couple months that now Andrew and I have made The FDU creative writing club and we together are rocking the world here. People look up to us, amazed by everything that we know. I don’t know why the  last few days I’ve been getting so emotional over leaving here because I know I’ll be back. There were times here that I was at my lowest but there were times I’ve  figured out that its okay to get sloppy and be yourself and  wear cheetah pajamas and open up to people you were so afraid  to open up with before. I can honestly say that all my good times and bad  start with the sentence “Andrew and I were…” and I think how different it would be if he wasn’t here. As an only child, this semester showed me what it was like to have a sibling, that person you see every day have the majority of meals with, and that you wake up to (sort of) . That person who you bicker with or tell that they are your best friend when you are drunk. I honestly don’t think I could have gotten through this semester without him and I am so grateful he is here.

As the semester comes to a close, well today. I can honestly say that I am so looking forward coming back  I already miss the sounds of the trains coming through campus all night and the planes that fly so low that I can see the small windows on the sides… and the birds, the birds that chirp at 4 in the god damn morning. Next semester  I already have a roommate (that I like! ) and I will be ruling this school just like I ruled brookdale, but better. I am already News Editor for the Newspaper, The president of a Creative Writing Club that didn’t exist when I got here and working right along side with the Head of the Creative Writing Department in a paid internship. As I start cleaning out my room I remember how cold this room felt when I first moved in and how poorly I felt about myself and my surroundings, and how I  felt like I was sleeping in someone else’s room. Now we no longer do homework in the laundry room and I don’t drink beer. We study in MY room and we drink honey wine and listen to Mozart.  I’m not a random anyone, I’m taking over the world.

 

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Hi everyone,

Well I haven’t been on this in a really long time and so much as happened. I am writing from the glorious Fairleigh Dickinson University laundry room where I am having a beer ( THAT I PURCHASED!!) listening to Andrew’s 90’s getting laid playlist on his Pandora. I haven’t been home in almost two weeks, and I really hate it. I am so sad but this is the decision I chose. I know it was the right decision but being here makes me think too much which makes me question what I  am doing . Yeah, you can imagine how much that sucks. In my lonely times I watch Awkward ( which is an amazing MTV show that I feel like is controlling my life) and while I watch people who don’t really want to get to know me walk back to their rooms,I question if I belong here.My time at Brookdale was amazing. I ran that school more than I thought I did and I wonder if I should run FDU as well or if I should sit in the passenger seat here as well. My relationship with Paul is okay, things have changed a lot but its something that is going work or its not and I am not going to be the one who makes that decision, that’s fates job.

I wonder if fate can just control my life because people keep telling me that everything is happening for a reason but I wonder if I should jump at every opportunity or just focus on my studies instead of worrying about making friends and making a representation of myself. On the other hand with having no friends besides Andrew here, I am so lonely. I know how it feels to have a great support system, a pretty large group of people who backed me up and supported me in everything I do, and Andrew was one of them. I am so happy he is here but at times I need my space and I need other friends and that’s something and that no one wants to be around here, my friend.My aunt told me I need to meet 1 friend a week and I just am too tired to do that. I don’t want to make an effort because I put 115% percent in Brookdale and I HATE starting over. I’ve been here for almost a month and I’ve only made 2 friends. I don’t have a social problem, these people don’t like outsiders and I am definitely an outsider…. actually, I am a random.

Sarah

Starting Over.

Believe


Believe:

 

 Believe in the you that I believe in.

 Believe in the one you wanna be

 but are too scared.

The you that stood over people

who stomped you down with words

 that never mattered.

Who treated you the way they did

Because it was “cool”.

The you that kissed the wrong girls

But doesn’t regret, just laughs and turns red.

Believe in the you that thinks that they don’t have work

Everyday minute to make her happy.

Believe in the you that deserves to be happy

From the moment you wake up to the second

You lay that head on the pillow. The you that smiles

 loves deep.

Believe in the you I believe in

Because you are all I will ever need.

Happy Mother’s Day.


Photo: Happy Mother's Day mom :) love you lots

 

Oh Mom, I love you so much.

 

I gotta say this mother’s day is a little more special to me. This year I have gained a lot of women in my life that love me like daughters and I care about and appreciate what they do for me. From caring for me as I smack my head, to guiding me through my academic life these women in my life are always there. My own flesh and blood mother will always be my constant support academically,emotionally and physically. When picking out flowers for my Boyfriend’s mom yesterday I was thinking about all the sons and daughter who won’t get to see their moms on mothers day. Either they are up in heaven or on the other side of the world. I have a facebook friend who skyped with her family and posted pictures because she goes to school all year around. I hope I am here every Mother’s day because it would break my heart not to see my mom on her special day. My mother and I have a bond that no one will break. We may not always get along, she may not always like my decisions, but she  supports me and will never walk away. She is the one I talk to when I come home late and the first person who texts me in the morning when I am not home. I love her with all my heart, and I wish she wasn’t working today, but I am glad I got to spend the day with her yesterday.

 

To all my Moms… but most importantly my real mom.

Happy Mother’s Day

 

Love Sarah.

Traveling around the Country for Poetry


 

Next Trip: Massachusetts Poetry Festival in Salem! 

http://masspoetry.org/

AWP was such a wonderful time! If anyone gets the opportunity to go, GO it’s such an experience.

 

My fellow writers, has anyone gone to any festivals or conferences? and if you have what one was your favorite?

Eager to hear your responses

sarah.

Beautiful Girl.


 

I watch the men and women

People I knew

People I loved

Black dresses, suits

Emerging into all doors

The clicking of high heels

Echo the empty church

We are waiting

for her

The organ begins to play

An hour glass of time

Till we will see her

Men weeping for a woman

Who touched the young, old

And me, we watch

As she is glides

in a shiny oak casket

Towards the man who she had always loved

Even though he took her only son

The perfume of flowers

Engulf our sense

As our priest

Blankets her in frankincense

Blessing her

And wishing her a safe trip

I watch her daughter

My friend

Stand at a podium

Telling the world how wonderful her mother is

Was

And me thinking

“thank god it wasn’t mine”

salt from my eyes

Slip into my mouth

I look at her

Tearless,

she smiles down

At the mother she once hugged

Once kissed

And says

“I will make you proud mom”

RIP Yvonne Mckay 12/2007

Put a Ring on it.


So Today my friend and I were talking about marriage. Marriage doesn’t come up in my life often because I am 19 years old and I am okay with the fact that I am never getting married ever. Marriage and commitment to that extent isn’t my style, I don’t want to kill them or feel like I’m trapped in a relationship I don’t want to be in. Marriage to me, is terrifying. Many people jump into marriage like its not a big deal and I honestly don’t understand it. What makes you feel like you are ready to marry this person?

I was talking to my friend Mike about  marriage and he was telling me that he thinks he might have met his wife ( his current girlfriend  )and I couldnt be more happy for him, as well as her. He always talks about her and is always excited to see her and is never disappointed. For a while he wasn’t sure what he wanted to do, but he realized something that made him decide that staying with her was the right thing to do.

I’ve realized after looking at Mike’s relationship that my relationship is not like that, and if it is supposed to be like that,then something is wrong. I don’t know what is wrong per say,  but I know if relationships are supposed to be like Mike and his girlfriend’s then something is wrong with mine.

But I’ve decided that marriage is NOT for me. I know some people who are 19 are getting married… are  you fucking crazy? How do you know he’s your husband, how do you know he’s the one? I don’t even know what classes I want to take next semester, let alone my husband.

With all the men I’ve gone out with I could never imagine myself with anyone  of them even though I’ve been with them in the first place. I don’t think I’m cut out for marriage or commitment to that extent. It seems terrifying to me. Mike told me that he is going to go down on 1 knee and everything, its exciting for him.. it must be accomplishing to know you’ve found the person you were destined to be with. I wonder if I’ve already met him, or maybe I’ll never meet him at all.

But overall I believe that every relationship is a lesson learned and when you make the commitment to be married there is more lessons to be learned. I don’t think there is such thing as a soul mate because I don’t think I can love someone that much. I loved Scottie, but I don’t think I could ever imagine spending the rest of my life with him.

I am a complicated person and with a complicated person comes with alot of patience and I don’t think anyone will be able to handle me. I’m more that meets the eye

Sarah.

Gettin Out.


So the other day I went shopping with my friend Shannon. Shannon and I don’t really hang out much, but when we do, its pretty fun and exciting. She just got a boyfriend and she is pretty excited about it. Every time we talk about our relationships. Hers is a little more complicated because her boyfriend has a kid with another woman and so she has “baby mama drama” and so its a little difficult for her. I know I couldn’t deal with being with someone who has a kid. I mean if they found out they has a kid while I was with them I don’t think I would be too mad but I wouldn’t voluntarily get into a relationship with someone who has a kid. I am not out to be someones mom. I am not going to be someones babysitter. But Anyway, besides that, my relationship and her relationship with her boyfriend are pretty much the same. Her boyfriend is 21 and has a kid and is living in his car because he’s having a tough time with it. Scottie is having a tough time right now financially but I’m not going to get into it, its really none of my business. I know he’s strong enough to get out of it and I have the confidence he will.

Shannon was telling me that shes afraid that her boyfriend would leave her and go to a different state. ( her boyfriend has been thinking about going to North Carolina) And it got me thinking, Scottie wants to go to California and I am perfectly okay with it. It’s his life, not mine and I wouldn’t want anyone telling me I couldn’t go somewhere  that I dreamed of going . If someone told me that I couldn’t go to Georgia because they didn’t want me to I would laugh in their face. I guess I am so used to be independent that its okay that Scottie will eventually move along and move to California. He should live a dream and noone should hold him back.It’s funny how the world works, I’ll see him again for sure.

When I was little, my mom signed a contract from my aunts saying I couldn’t leave the state while I was growing up. They wanted to watch me grow up. My mom loved living in different places but after I was born, she had to get strapped down. It sucked for her because I know she would have love to just go. Now, I want to get out, I hope she comes with me.

People want to get out of their homes. I’ve talked to so many people and they say “I gotta get the hell out of here, move on” and I agree. Middletown New Jersey is not going to help me in my career, even though there are people here I love and memories I will never forget. It’s over for me. I can’t improve anymore here.

Sarah.

 

 

Generations of Women.


So Today is Grandparents Day and I’ve been thinking about my Grandma all day. My grandma died when I was 3 years old, but it feels like yesterday. As I am getting older, my memories of her are fading but I will never forget her. Even in her passing, she has helped me in ways noone can. She has paid for my college education. She has watched over me my whole life, and protecting me every step of the way.I was the last grandchild she had but I wasn’t loved any less. I just wish I had more time with her. She was an amazing woman. She was an amazing mother and she has formed my mom into  a pretty awesome mom.

I was thinking about how some people treat their moms lately. My one friend doesn’t like his mom, but for good reasons. It was a messy divorce and she wasn’t too understanding that the kids were going to get involved too. My other friends mom talks down to her son because he is trying make a life for himself without help, and she doesn’t get that. I think some people shouldn’t be parents.

Some of my friends think its weird of how close I am with my mom. They always ask “why do you tell her everything?” I tell them because she has been my best friend my whole life. She was always the one constant friend I had. She will never stop being my friend either. Some parents don’t know how to balance being a friend  and being a parent at the same time. I think my mom does a pretty good job at that. I had one friend that was friends with her mom before she was the daughter, and in the end, she was surprised because her “friend” was now reprimanding her. My mom and I are really close but I know she always keeps her best interest in me. Now that I am older, there isn’t much reprimanding because she trusts me to know what I am doing. But when I was little, I understood that she had to do it because she loved me. I’d rather have a mom like mine who I can tell things to than a mom that I can’t tell anything to because sometimes being on your own in alot scarier than it looks.

After my observations of other people’s mothers and mine, I know when I have children I am not going to shelter them, it makes them run when they can. My friends mom shelters my friend, still. My friend is 19. You can’t shelter an adult. You can’t tell them they can’t leave the house. When I go out, I tell her I am going, I don’t ask. I only ask if I sleep over someones house still. I think its just a habit. I just don’t want her to worry. My mom and I have an understanding that I need to either check in or atleast let her know whats going on while I am out. I know some kids who won’t call their parents all night, or they’ll ignore their call. Really? How do you know if that’s the last phone call you’ll get from them? I know I sometimes miss my moms calls, but I make sure I call her right back.

People should appreciate their moms today along with their grandparents. If it wasn’t for your grandparents, your parents wouldn’t be the way they are.

Thanks Grandma.

Sarah.