Summer so Far.


As August has become pretty solid,I look back on the last three months with triumphs. I have accomplished more this summer than I have ever had during any other summer. Before the start of college, my summer consisted of sleeping,the pool and friends. Now, I have a job, I took summer classes, I actually have a schedule, my internet usage has been decreased astronomically and I’m actually do something with my time instead of sleep through it. 

This summer has gone by so slow but in a really good way. I really have looked at my life in a completely different light. I’ve realized that life is too short to be not doing something that you love. If it means not having alot of money in your pockets than so be it. I got through 3 months being unemployed and was perfectly fine. People should once and while step back and take a look around because they are missing out on picture perfect memories by being stressed.

This summer has also showed me that no matter how much you may not think so, you can be independent and seek out new people with no problem. When my friends from High School came back from college, I was excited to see some but most of them… not so much. It wasn’t like we were a tight knit group. I enjoyed my time with my high school friends but life goes on and people grow up and they aren’t the people you knew before college.My friend Alexis left to go to camps and as much as I miss her, there is sometimes that I enjoy just having my alone time. This summer was my alone time. I made sure I got things done with no distractions.Now that everyone is either coming back or leaving, I feel like my solitude time is over but it was well spent.

I’ve learned alot of lessons about love and friendship in this short summer. You may realize that even the strongest friendships have some cracks and the not so good friendships can be improved with much time and patience. People’s actions have taught me about people in ways I never knew before.

I watch my life flashing before my eyes and I wonder if I will remember this moment, this day. this week? I hope I do because I am learning about myself just by the actions and the goals around me. It is shaping me into the woman I will soon become.

Have a blessed Sunday

Sarah.  

 

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The Black Widow is Dead.


Did that just happen?

Did you just try to get me back?

With pleading and crying behind a person

Who doesn’t know you

The real you I’m sure.

Your life was a spider web of lies

I’m surprised you could remember what the truth was

After all the drugs you’ve taken

You thought you were smarter than the world

But you didn’t know

That the world watched every move you made

Heard every lie you told

And they loved you anyway

Because they had hope

But after you lied to me

The one who kept all your secrets

Secured all your lies

I lost all hope

Because being a liar won’t get anywhere

And I refuse to be tangled in your web.

 

 

I’m surprised by people daily…..

Sarah.

Only with Time.


I wish you the best

but on the inside

I hope you cry yourself to sleep

clutching onto tear soaken pillows

wishing things were better

wishing we were better.

Time

everything takes time.

I look out the window

and think how you can move on with life

without me in it.

how those memories could just fade

into the blue cloudless skys

that shine down on you.

how my smile or  laugh

doesn’t come flashing through your brain

whenever you hear our song.

but in this short time

you have blocked me out of your world

a place where in the first place

I didn’t belong.

but with time

your smile and your laugh

will fade out of my head

whenever I hear our song

and you will fade out of my heart

along with it.

I’ve come to a realization, and with time I will feel better about my decision but hating a person isn’t going to change anything, so whats the point.

sarah.

I’m not Complicated, I Just have Scars.


I look at you wondering

if you don’t give a shit

than why do you read

Why do you listen

to the music my words make?

The problem is my body

is internally infected

bloody, oozing with puss.

For some strange reason

you find beauty in the meanless words

that come out of my foul mouth.

You long to skim

through a notebook noone sees.

You don’t  understand things about me

because there are things you don’t know.

but If you knew them

you would say

“you’ll get over it”

and leave it at that.

You would fail to reconize

that a healing heart takes time.

You fail to grasp the fact that

you don’t know grief

until you expereince it

everyday.

So I write that way I do

because the blood

that pours out of my fingers tips

comes from soul

and no other place but.

Two Laughing Men.


2 men Laugh

I think how amazing

That I, one person

Joined the two laughing men together.

How my kindness

have helped others

make their time here

much more enjoyable.

I wonder what the two men are laughing at

But I know it isn’t at me

because they are my friends.

I am amazed how the two laughing men

seem to connect

in ways I cannot understand.

You see these two laughing men

have entered my life for a reason

maybe it was to meet eachother

who knows, but

Those two laughing men

are my future

and eventually I will be

1 laughing girl.

I went hiking today with my friends Mike and Sam. It was the first time they had ever met. I thought it was amazing how they became friends really quickly. They are both awesome people. We are going again tomorrow. I really can’t wait.

P.S No Ticks!

Sarah

Memories are Falling From the Sky


I have come to realized in this one short year of college how people and myself have changed.

Alot of people from high school are not the same people who I used to hang out with. It’s kinda sad but I know I have changed too.I’ve met people in college that are pretty awesome. They have become my close friends because my other friends are away at school and we have grown apart. My new friends are the people I call when I am sad. Because they are writers too.Just to clarify I am studying in school to be a writer ( for everyone who said I am a terrible writer)  Anyway, because my friends are writers, they can help me edit my work, and help me make it the best it can be. I like that alot. I feel sometimes that because I am a writer, I am different than everyone else. I am excluded from the rest of world. I don’t feel like I fit in. After going to the AWP conference and befriending people from the trip and from creative writing club, When I am with my new friends, I don’t feel alone.

Once you leave High School and you stop seeing the same people everyday, people change. They meet different people who are strangers to you. Sometimes when you see them after high school, it isn’t the same. It will never be the same because you aren’t seeing them everyday. You aren’t going assemblies with them and texting them to see where they are anymore. You are going to assemblies and events with new people.

This school year has been crazy life changing. I found out who my real friends are. I lost my best friend, I lost trust and respect for people more them, physically. I have seen what friendship REALLY is. I have felt what real pain feels like. I have fallen deeply and passionately in love. I have rekindled friendships that have turned into close friendships. It’s funny to see the people come out of the woodwork that you wouldn’t expect. In this year, I rekindled a friendship with my best friend from PreK and 3rd Grade. All thanks to Facebook and Bed Bath and Beyond

It’s funny how things change. It’s funny how the weather can make you think of memories. Just falling drops of water and muster memories and create new ones. Tonight I sat my car with my friend Alexis (who I’ve known since I was 7) and I realized that the people who’ve watched you grow, will continue to watch because they want to see the flower fully bloom. I know no doubt, I will always be friends with Alexis. Our friendship is simple. We eat, we bitch, we laugh, and thats it. There are no strings. I trust her, she trusts me. Thats it.

Today as the rain slams on my house, I remember nights where I was with my best friend in the Whole Foods parking lot, sitting in my car and bitching about unimportant things. These moments of our friendship were completely unimportant, but yet  I remember it.I remember when I drove her home in the pouring rain, because I didn’t want her to ride her bike home and get sick. Memories are much stronger than anything I’ve ever experienced. I wish I just had a little projector in my brain so I could play all the memories like a movie. That would be awesome.

I hope I make more memories with my new friends. I read this quote the other day that fit my life pretty well.

“The Truth is,you don’t lose friends. As life goes on, you just find out who was there for you and who wasn’t.”

Night.

Sarah

In Remembrance of the People I’ve Loved on my Journey.


Who knew old friends could come back into your life when you thought  you  had no one. It’s funny how you meet new friends, just when the friends you have are starting to get old and your old friends come  back when your new friends are too much. I have gotten the opportunity thanks to Facebook, to stay in touch with the friends I had growing up. Some of them I see more than others. Some I hardly talk to at all, but if I were in trouble or needed a friend I know they would be there, in a split second.

When I was in Pre K, I only had one friend. Her name was Kim Mcglynn. She was this little blonde girl with freckles and I liked her a lot. A lot of my memories as a little kid in school were with Kim. We were best friends. I used to go over her house,and she used to come over mine. She was my first friend in school. When we were in 4th grade, she left and I never saw her again. During that time, we weren’t as close as we were when we were little, but I didn’t think I’d ever  not see her again. Because of the world of Facebook, we have rekindled our friendship to a degree. Without seeing each other in over 13 years, people change. She is having a baby, has a fiance, and lives in Arizona. Her siblings are all grown up and it feels like yesterday that they were infants. It’s funny how time flies.

Secondly there’s Brandon. I have known Brandon since we were in the 1st grade. We weren’t exactly friends but he acknowledged my existence and I acknowledged his. We didn’t start to become friends till High School, but I remembered him coming into school with weird Halloween costumes on and him giving me my first Hobby. Now he is like my brother.He has always had a special place in my heart and still does today.

Then there’s Brit. I have known Brittany Martin since I was in 3rd grade. Brittany Martin was the first friend that I truly remember our friendship to the tee. I remember things we did together, I remember her family. She was the first friend that I felt like I was home when I went to her house. I remember we used to go to her house after school and play outside in her backyard with little sister Gabey. She was quite, but she was fun. They were heavily into sailor moon and they introduced me to the world called Cartoon Network. At that time, I was a Pokemon, and Barbie chick. After hanging out with Brittany, I became familiar to the world other than Barbie. Her family became my family, and after she moved away, I was heartbroken. The day I walked into Bed Bath and Beyond about a year ago, I knew when it was her. She was grown up but she still had the same face. It was so nice to see her. Once I became employed at Bed Bath and Beyond for a grueling 6 months, Brittany and I became closer. Now we have the same friendship now that we did back than. I enjoy Brittany’s company, and I hope she enjoys mine.

I had one friend during elementary school that when I met her, I knew she was going to be my best friend. She will always be my best friend no matter how near or far she is and that’s Sabrina. Sabrina and I met because she acussed me of spitting in her face while I was screaming at this other girl because she was being a bitch. Even today she swear that I spit in her face purposely, but I know for a fact I didn’t. After our confrontation at the principles office, which I might add was the first time I was ever really in BIG trouble in elementary school, we became friends. We were so close that for a while she was living at my house. Because I am an only child and young, I got jealous. Now looking back I regret being jealous because that was being immature of me and I should have kept my mouth shut and enjoyed her company and companionship when I had the chance. Like sisters do, we got into many fights. Weather it was taking off our clothes in the middle of the street, to hitting each other with Math books. We always made up in the end. But there was this one fight that ended everything. I don’t remember why we were fighting, but I wish it didn’t end the way it did. I saw her a few years later, she looked wonderful and she forgave me and we were friends again, but I knew it was never going to be the same. I still talk to her from time to time. When I need her I know she is always going to be there. I know she still never judge me. She will always be my sister, and I still love her no matter what.

After Sabrina and I stopped being friends, I didn’t have any tight-knit friends in between. There were some, but once I got to High School, I found out who were real friends and who were just a short amount of time.

Right before High School, I met one of my real close friends Mel. Mel and I were friends for four years. We were really close for a really long time so when we stopped being friends for unknown reasons, it killed me internally and externally. Mel was my other half. We went everywhere together. Now I can’t even look at her. Entered the world of High School with our arms linked. we went on trips together, had countless sleepovers together and spend every waking moment together. She was the comfort I needed to get through the awkward stages of Freshman year. She was there. I appreciated her being there. When she stopped being my friend my junior year, I literally felt like I was being beat up everyday. I didn’t know how to function without her around. In due time. my friends  like Liz and Nicole and Brandon were there to pick me up when I fell.

Liz was the first person in High School that I met that didn’t go to my Middle School. She was in my Art Class and she sat alone and she was really quiet. I sat with kids I knew from Middle School and I was the quiet one out of the group. When I realized Liz was also in my lunch class and that I sat at the same table as her, I started to talk to her and get to know her. During our Art Class we had many laughs. It wasn’t until my end of sophomore year till Liz and I got closer. She was the quiet and reserved and I was the loud crazy one, once you got to know me. Liz has seen me at my absolute worse. She is the first person I call when I am down. She is the first person I call when I need someone. She’s known me for what feels like forever. She helped me through the worst times of my life, picking me and making me laugh and making me feel welcomed. I appreciate Liz in my life. I love Liz because I know no matter how old I am, we will be friends. I can call her at one thirty in the morning, and talk and she’ll listen. She can tell me about her anime stuff and her college friends and I will laugh even though sometimes I have no idea what she is saying because she talks so fast. She has the best interest in me. She knows how I think , she knows what I am going to say, She knows I am a creeper and still loves me anyway. I call her mom my jewish mother and her brothers hate me just as much as they (sometimes) don’t like Liz . She knows whenever she gets home from College, I will be anxiously waiting for her arrival. She knows that no matter what she will always have a friend in me, and I will always have a friend in her.

In College, I have met people who have changed my life and I’ve only met them just recently. My new friends are the foundation of what my new life is going to be like.

But out of all the friends I have met at Brookdale, my friend Andrew and I have this relationship that is a very strange one. We only hang out once a week. Some of the times I cannot stand him, vise versa but strangely I felt like I have known the guy my whole life. He has made me laugh harder than I think anyone has before. He has an opinion on everything and he is the king of  debate. When you talk to him, it’s not a normal conversation. It’s always a debate. He has taught me to actually have an opinion on things and not to always be just neutral, even though that’s what his feelings are all the time. I think he has feelings/emotions but I believe he hides them deep into his soul. I think that’s why we compliment each other out because I talk with my heart, and he talks with his head. He is a cool friend with many quirks about him, and I enjoy getting to know this strange man who likes to cuddle. Any man who cuddles and likes it, is a friend of mine.

In the last couple of days, I have been looking at my old friends and my new friends differently. In the end, they all at one time cared about me. I have left my fingerprint on their heart. From old to new, I have changed people’s lives just by my presence. I think that is pretty damn fucking amazing.

Happy Easter/Passover to all my friends young and old, old to new, known or unknown. Know I was thinking of you on this fine night, and know I appreciate you all being part of my life and making me be the person I am today.

xo Sarah

Cross Roads and Broken Hearts


Today I was at a four-way stop in my neighborhood. That four-way stop was where I had my first accident with my car. It was 2 days after I got my license. I was driving for 3months without a license and I never got into an accident, I guess at the time I had the freedom and I felt invincible. I was with my best friend at the time.  We were listening to Good Charlotte, we were really into them that summer. Before meeting her, I never really listened to Good Charlotte. I knew a couple of songs because they were on MTV but other than that, I didn’t know them very well. When I rolled up to the four-way stop, I turned down my music and listened. The car on the other end of the street was listening to good charlotte. I looked and there was my best friend, now in her car, listening to music that we listened and sang along with together.

It’s funny how things change over time. If someone told me a year ago today that I wasn’t going to be friends with her I would have laughed in their face. Through all the shit we both had gone through, we were there for each other. Through all the heart breaks and shit she was there to pick me up saying “you know you can do so much better”. I smiled as I wiped the tears off my face every time because I knew I would always have someone telling me I had the potential to get better in my life. I didn’t know that better in life  would mean losing her.

As I waved her to go before me because I am still a little wary about that four way stop, she looked at me. I saw it in her face that she was surprised to see me. I wasn’t surprised to see her. Our town is small, so I knew eventually we were going to be driving on the same road at the same time. She let me go before her, because she knew I hated how much I hated waiting. I remember the time I let all the cars go one day because I was afraid. She laughed and said that all other people probably thought I was lost. I wasn’t lost I was just afraid.

Now that she’s no longer in my life, I am not afraid or lost. I have come to terms with the fact I no longer have a best friend.I frankly don’t need one. I am happy and content with my independence. I don’t regret any of the good times. I don’t miss the good times either. They were fun,like sitting on her back porch early in the morning before school and having a cup of coffee and listening to the silence of the graveyard.They were wonderful times. But I must say, I miss one thing. I miss the talks her and I had. I felt like I could tell her everything and she would understand me.

Each person you meet helps you through things in your life. When they can no longer help you, they will leave.Every friendship is like that. There is no such thing as a life long friend. After her, I don’t believe in a best friend. With each friend you have, you trust them differently. Ones can come back into your life, but some cause so much pain that you can’t seen to imagine them ever being part of your life again.

As heart wrenching it is, I don’t need her in my life. she wasn’t there when I needed her the most in my life. If you are someones “best friend” aren’t you suppose to be the one who’s always there, no matter what?

She was great time, don’t get me wrong. But as Eric Church in his song “Those I’ve Loved” :

“She was my best friend and it broke my heart,but I don’t regret the day that she became

One of those I’ve loved along the way”

Good bye, Thanks for Good times. Thanks for teaching me, never to trust a liar.

Sarah xo

I Surprise Myself.


So Today I was going through old pictures with my mom. Oh have I changed.

But besides looking at my  chubby face and my variety of odd hair do’s and ugly clothes, I thought about the girl in the picture. That girl in the picture would never believe the things I have overcome in the  last 19 years of my life. Even looking in the Mirror today, I still can’t believe the girl staring back at me has overcome the obsticles put infront of her and is still standing tall.

I surprise myself sometimes. Today I was driving my car and it hit me that I was  actually operating the vehicle. I have the capability of controlling a 20 ton car with no problem. I look at my mother with amazement seeing that she can control an entire school bus with 54 screaming children inside it.

The other night I was talking to my friend Krystal. I hadn’t seen Krystal in 2 years and it didn’t feel weird. I was worried that it would have, but it didn’t. I was telling her about some stuff that has happened in my life recently and she said “Showed you how strong you  really are, huh?” and I never thought about it. I never thought about myself through the pain and problems I was going through. I was trying to get through one day at a time. I think if I thought about myself I wouldn’t have gotten through it.

But now that the nightmare is over, I feel like I can get through anything. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I feel like if I didn’t go through the problems in my life I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I have cried enough in the last 2 months to fill an ocean, I have freaked out enough to be in a loony bin. and I have wrote my problems out so many times I could make a novel. But that’s me.

Tomorrow is the 24th. I hate the 24th of the month. It’s the unluckiest day of the month. But I am happy I will be tail gating tomorrow at the Jason Aldean concert instead of sitting home alone. I don’t think I would want to be alone tomorrow. Being alone makes you more depressed sometimes. I know when people are depressed, all they want to do is be alone;but I think that people make you stronger. They make you realize you have a purpose in life.

I know without my friends, I don’t think I would have gotten through the last few months. Within the last couple months, I have found out who my real friends are. From the ones who let me sleep on their couch after a long horrendous day, to the ones I call crying so hard I can’t speak and they just listen. I am grateful for the people who are in my life now. They have  literally picked up when I fell and showed me how strong I was capable of being. They have made me feel wanted when I thought no one cared.  I have grown up tremendously in the last month that even I have noticed it. I have become an adult. I have never felt this confident with myself. These people in my life don’t judge. They don’t lie. I know they would never screw me over. They have been by my side and I will be there for them.

I’m going to hang out with my friend Liz. Who say’s hi to all you followers and friends.

xo Sarah

I’m Burning Out.


I don’t know why I can’t seem to write anymore. My ideas are all muddled and I can’t focus anymore. I used to be able to be inspired when someone else was reading, now I have so much on my mind that my brain is never relaxed. When I hang out with my friends, its even worse. Right now,no one seems to understand where I am coming from. They look at me funny when I walk under a pier and get all excited because I found an inspiring place to write or to get ideas from.

It’s really frustrating when you have writer friends but you are not hanging out with them. My writer friends know exactly why am I  thinking so hugely . I am so self-absorbed that the other friends who are not writers  don’t understand why I am acting like this. I wish my other friends could just get in my brain for one day so they can see what I am seeing. Everything is a potential story. Every person you meet is another potential character. Every song you listen to is a potential motivational song. Does anyone else think this way?

As much as I want to be an editor and critque things for a living, I need to learn how to critque my own work. It’s so difficult because you know what you want it to sound like and changing it is like taking out the inner voice and putting a motified version instead.I miss my best friend just because she was a good editor. She didn’t care about writing but if I asked her, she would sit down for hours and go through my work and break down each sentence. It was amazing. The best thing I ever wrote was edited by her. She was good for something.

I miss the people who are no longer in my life sometimes. My mom always says when I lose friends it  means they aren’t good enough for my future. Most of the time she accurate,but the transition periods are hard. I don’t mind not having a best friend. But  nights like these when I am so burnt  out that a good dose of a girl talk and youtube videos would be something I need,and she isn’t here.

As much as I miss her,she hurt me more then I ever thought she could. I knew months prior to the ending of our friendship that things were getting rocky, but ending it on such a terrible note was something I didn’t want to do once again. I thought since I was getting older and in college, losing friends wasn’t going to be as painful. Guess I was mistaken.

I wasn’t as sad as I thought I was going to be. I was more disappointed. I think I surprised her more by walking away. I don’t think she would ever think I would. I loved her family like they were my own. I would hang out with her mom more then her. I had a key to her house,I was part of the family. In some aspects I miss her and her family and the happiest they both brought me in my life. But in some aspects, I am so happy I got out when I did. I could have gotten into scary situations if I didn’t watch my back.

Miss the great times more so then the bad. I miss the talks at our smoking spots the most. Our conversations were so deep and meaningful that I felt like she was someone who got into my mind and understood what I was saying,no matter how constant I tripped over my words.As much as she didn’t like  some of my decisions,she respected that I was happy. If it meant falling in love with a 30 yr old man, so be it. She let me rant and rave about his stupidity and exciting moments of my life with him. I think she was happy seeing me so happy.

But when she did the inevitable, I was more shocked then words could say. As much she liked seeing me happy,she hated him (or so I thought). She hated how slimy he was. How disrespectful he sometimes was and how just annoying he could sometimes be. Most of the time, I ignored it. It didn’t bother me. But it bothered her.I thought it was weird that she was adimate about not seeing him. I shook it off because I was too busy with my life to even bother.

I miss her. As much as I deny it, I do. She was a great friend in the beginning, but realizing that my entire friendship could have been lies hurts. If she could lie to her mother really well, I don’t why I didn’t think she could of  lied to me  just as good.

I hate liers. The truth always sets you free. I don’t lie anymore. If you have to lie about what your doing, then you shouldn’t be doing it all.

Thanks for the 2 followers I got today, It really made my day

Night,

Sarah