We stood single file in front of a small window


for an emotionless Indian receptionist

with a colored turban and a mustache

she looks down not staring us in the eye because

she doesn’t want to judge us. She hands us the packet

the contract telling us that there is no turning back, we cannot find a neon sign

and run. The fire exit is locked and the only way down is the elevator shaft

but that will make a scene, and we aren’t going to make a scene.


we shuffle our feet slowly

against the mucus colored carpet and we think

what would be like if we actually went along with it?

13 to 30 we stand like a unenthusiastic conga line


Not waiting for anything important like a movie ticket

or an amusement park ride feeling like clouds are in my throat

This is not like that.

My stomach acid is churning like butter with the little

water I was only allowed to drink and it tastes like skin.


I look at the clipboard, the piles of papers

asking me for my social security number,telephone number,

my insurance provider, and my name

and I don’t know

because this isn’t me.


Ducks in a Cab

Yellow duck feathers flew through the air

As she walked down the crowded city street

Her heels clicked across the cement sidewalk

blonde curls bouncing

With every step she took

She waved her wing in the air

Flapping, quaking, running down the street

Towards a yellow cab

That was blasting Spanish music

Out of the speakers.

Before opening the small backseat door

She spit her oozing saliva

Onto the already infected street

Kissing it goodbye.

I’m a Lucky Girl.

As I walked into the 7/11 last night, I realized how lucky I am. I was watching this girl  who was with her boyfriend and I felt like was watching my reflection. She was standing at the doorway of waiting for her boyfriend who was getting coffee. She didn’t look happy but when she saw him walking towards her,she smiled really wide. But than, the guy just walked past her without any recollection of her at all. She followed him with her head down and her smile disappeared. That whole scenario wasn’t my reflection but when the girl left, I asked Scottie if he saw what just happened. He was also getting coffee next to the asshole guy so he didn’t see anything, of course. It hit me that if I was that girl and I smiled really huge when Scottie was walking up to me, I don’t think he would ignore me. He would roll his eyes and call me a geek and we would walk out together.I am lucky that I am not stuck in a situation like that girl was in. In a way, I actually understood her because I was like that atleast once in my life. You’re trapped because you love the person so much  because if you left them, it would  kill you

After our trip to 7/11, Scottie and I we were talking about eyes. Recently, eyes have started to intrigue me. I wonder what people see when they see me. Supposedly I am easy to read, but reading me and looking in my eyes are two very different things. My eyes can tell you one story but “I” can tell you another. He said something that really got me thinking. He said “when you look in my eyes, you see only one thing, right?” and I shook my head. He was surprised. When I look into peoples eyes I see what they want to say but are too afraid to say. I see stories that I can’t read. I see a beautiful mixture of colors that make a person unique. I see the tears that will eventually come. I see feelings that are hidden deep within them. I look into his eyes, I realize how lucky I am.

Yup, I am really corny… and a little cute <3


Never Have I Ever.

Have you ever felt like

you knew every crevice

every inch of a person

but in reality

you didn’t know them at all?

Have you laid quietly in your empty bed

and stayed very still

so maybe you can feel them

just like you always have?

Have you wished upon something so hard

that you can’t imagine it not coming true

but in the end

you’re falling right back to the bottom of the mountain?

Have you loved someone so much

that when you think of them

your heart feels like its about explode in your throat?

Did  you ever jump around in your room

and feel like your thirteen

just because he texted you “Sup”

and you think he really cares?

Have you ever watched someone change

and you don’t like what you see?

Have you ever been scared?

Scared of what will

instead of what was.

Have you closed your eyes

and saw him behind them

because thats the only thing that will put you to sleep at night

Have you ever found the one and didn’t get a chance

because you were scared

worried about what if instead of what was

Because What if?

I hate change.I hate change. I hate change. 


What You Ask For.

If you knew I liked you

Why didn’t you do anything about it

In the first place?

What made you categorize me as

“Not good enough”

How did I not meet your expectations?

Am I too dark

too fat

too curvy for your liking?

Was it that my hair is not any shade of orange?

Do I not have enough freckles?

Are my opinion too outspoken?

Am not dumb enough for you to take advantage of?

Can you see my internal scars between my gapped teeth

Every time I laugh?

Do you think I am too innocent?

Virgin like in a sense?

I don’t wear cat ears

Or watch anime

If that helps.

I’m not high maintenance or a shopaholic.

I hate shoes and makeup

And jewelry of all kind.

I hate all clothes that don’t come Kohl’s

And name brands printed across my chest.

Is it that I don’t wear stilettos to the beach?

Or to the office?

Or to pick up my nonexistent child up from school?

Is it that I don’t  have enough drama in my life

Or that I’m not from New York

With an annoying mother

And accent?

Is that I ask questions

Even though really

I don’t give a shit

About what you say?

Does it piss you off

That I like to learn

and that I don’t just go with flow?

Or that I refuse to do something

I clearly don’t want to do?

Is that I have class

And you’re not use to that ?

I know you’d much rather have someone

Who doesn’t have any  emotions

Because attachment

Is like the kiss of death in your eyes.

But maybe trashy prostitutes

Aren’t the best choice

Because that’s the only person

That fit your laundry list

of unrealistic expectations.

Men are looking for barbie I’ve noticed… bitch please, half the US is obese… barbie doesn’t exist anymore. 


The Black Widow is Dead.

Did that just happen?

Did you just try to get me back?

With pleading and crying behind a person

Who doesn’t know you

The real you I’m sure.

Your life was a spider web of lies

I’m surprised you could remember what the truth was

After all the drugs you’ve taken

You thought you were smarter than the world

But you didn’t know

That the world watched every move you made

Heard every lie you told

And they loved you anyway

Because they had hope

But after you lied to me

The one who kept all your secrets

Secured all your lies

I lost all hope

Because being a liar won’t get anywhere

And I refuse to be tangled in your web.



I’m surprised by people daily…..


Pushing Pedestals.

You think you’re so cool

with you’re flower in your hair and shit,

Honey please…

you aren’t as good

or even better than us.

I might not be the most attractive

but a beauty with no brains

isn’t a beauty to me.

You maybe the one he wants

because you match the “perfect woman” standards

but really.

you’re just as low and trashy

as the dirt bags who look ten times worse than you.

so in reality,

make up and flowers

cover up the filth

that cakes around your eyes.

and without that

you’re just like every low life around

so don’t put yourself on a pedestal dear

because we might push you off.

Inspired by Facebook profile pictures… and rich bitches… and maybe a little reality tv


For the Girls

Throughout my life, I have had many best friends. I always thought that I needed just one. I didn’t want my secrets to be spread around the world if I had more than one. When I was younger I always had two best friends and it didn’t work because either one would shit on me or the two would go against me. I am not whining in saying this, but in life, thats what happens. Girls espically. I don’t know how girls can get along with each other. I don’t know how I can get along with some girls honestly.

After graduating high school, and after everything with the last best friend I had, I decided that I was not cut out to have a best friend. Putting so much pressure on one or two people isn’t healthy for them or me. I think people get scared because they don’t want to have that much pressure, that much responsibility that being a best friend contains.

Today now, I have a few very close friends. I wouldn’t consider them my best friend because I don’t want to be hurt again, and just the title “BEST FRIEND” scares people. Having best friends reminds me of elementary school where you had one little girl you were friends with that you had snack with and played at recess with. Back than, that was what a best friend did. Now, a best friend has to hold your hair when you have too much to drink, helps you go shopping for wedding dresses, be in the “designated driver pool”, be listed as your sister on facebook, and listen to you bitch even when their lives are much shittier than yours. Best friends do alot of shit that is completely unnecessary and if a best friend doesn’t do those things, girls freak out. They talk shit about them behind your back or have an affair with your husband. 

Girls are bitches, but like anything, we need them in our lives. As a girl I can understand them, at times.Girls use their hearts instead of their heads. I know I certainly do. Emotions cloud my judgment all the time. As nice as some girls are, they can flip over to the opposite side of the coin and become fire breathing bitches. 

I have a few girl friends and I appreciate them because they bring out  the girl side of me. They see that I have a heart and I don’t have to be so hard and flat. When I am around my guy friends its different. I have to act different. I can’t talk about nailpolish and clothes, but when I am with my friends that are girls, its easy to do that. 

My advise is to have an even friend  ratio of guys to girls. I don’t have that but maybe one day I will. 


Your Failed Attempt.

I hate you

I hate  every ounce of your being

From your chipped nail polish on your big toe

To your crooked cartilage piercing

You just had to do yourself.

I hate how I can’t get over the fact that

You’re happy at all.

Or that you’re  even alive

Breathing in the same world I am.

You did the unthinkable

The unacceptable act

That for a normal person

Wouldn’t have ever

Crossed their mind.

So now I sit here



Scared for what you are going to do next.

For the next jab in the heart

And laugh at the end.

But I will patiently wait


Contemplate on

What you think will hurt me

Even more than this.

But trust me

Nothing in your wildest dreams

Will ever compare

or even come close

to what you’ve already done.

Living life in the truth is harder than living your life through lies.


Dating Rules: We aren’t living in the 1950’s.

After reading this ^ article, I have offically declared myself half dude. In my small nineteen years, 6 short years of it was in the dating scene. The dating scene in NOT fun at all. If you like being picked at from  under a mircoscope, the dating world is for you, but if you are like me who prefer to not be examined in and out, then the dating world is NOT for you. I am not one of those classy chicks, I guess one would call me trashy because I curse infront of my guy friends, I even curse infront of guys I am interested in. I am not going be a fake person just because I like you. Besides these Rules that are in the article, I am going to add a few more to the list.

6. Date Someone Around Your Age.: Men mature  much slower than women do. A man could be 30 and act like he is 17,18. But a woman who is 19,20 years old can act like she is 25 and it somehow it evens it all out.Men are really annoying no matter what age,but college guys are more annoying than High School boys. If you are in college and love a high schooler, it shouldn’t be frown upon. Having it be “socially accepted” is a bunch of bullshit. I think if you love someone they can be any age, any color, any size, any gender. It shouldn’t matter.

7.You Have to Bring the Guy Home: Absolutely not. When my mom was a teenager, her father would drag the guys out of the house and embarass the shit out of my mom. If they aren’t REALLY serious, and a just a “one and done” there shouldn’t be a reason that you should bring them home. I don’t think my father would drag a guy out of my house was long as they weren’t hurting me. My Dad lives in a house full of women, I think he likes the diversity, when it comes on rare occasions.

8. Wait for the Guy  to Ask You Out: In all my times of dating, I have NEVER been asked out. I have always made the first move because guys in New Jersey are little girls who are afraid of the ALMIGHTY WOMEN! We want the same you do, but girls like me, aren’t afraid to just say it. Maybe it’s an only child thing, I’ve just told my mom what I wanted. I sometimes didn’t get it, but I wasn’t afraid to tell her what I wanted. I am not afraid of guys. Guys are like chicks but their reproductive system is on the outside and they don’t get their period ( even though I know many  guys who PMS worse than me)

9.Don’t Kiss on the First Date: My mom always told me. ” Don’t ever kiss on the first date” Every first date  I’ve ever been on, I’ve always kissed them. It wasn’t like a tonsil hockey kiss, but there was always a peck or more romantic thing. You have to test them, if they aren’t a good kisser (I’ve had quiet a few of those)  than they aren’t getting a call back. Everyone has tests. My friend has a Roller Derby Date Test, but I keep mine simple. If you hate your mother, want to have sex with me the minuete after we start hanging out, and you are a terrible kisser than  you will probably never hear from me again.. and maybe if your a red head too ( don’t be offended gingers, I am just jealous of your beauty)

10.Play the Game: Fuck the Game. The Relationship Game, and having rules is a junch of bullshit. Be straightfoward because you are NOT going to get anything you want if you aren’t. If you don’t wanna have sex with them SAY NO… if  he or she is a decent human being, they will understand your wishes and respect them kindly. If you like someone just tell them, waiting around for them to figure out that you like them is the slowest most torturest process in the world. If you like someone, tell them. What is the least they are going to say “sorry I don’t like you like that, lets be friends instead” or ” your creepy” If someone calls you creepy for being straight forward, tell them that they aren’t going to get anywhere by playing childish games. It got old in 2007.

I hang out with ALOT of guys. I do this I am guessing because girls are all about the game. I am not into it. I think like this because its better to be brave and a risk taker. Then a coward and a chicken.

Everyone should read thoughtcatalog DAILY! ITS SO GREAT!!