A Letter to Cope the Mind.

Dear “He who should not be named,”

I wanted to tell you how grateful I am that you came into my life. I am also grateful for how quick you left.You made my life have some meaning when I thought it did not. You gave me somewhere to go when life became too much for a small girl like me. You opened your arms for me to fall into, even when sometimes I thought I didn’t need to. I gave into your sly smile and warm touch even when my greatest friends told me the opposite. I saw some glimmer behind your dull eyes and your powerful demeanor. You gave me something to look foreword to, disappoint over,hope for. But after all the pain and agony you have put me through, I longer long for you. I don’t strive for your approval. You have given me  the confidence to find someone who is going to treat me the way I deserve instead of being walked all over. Don’t tell me I have to act a certain way, or look a certain way. I am my own individual and not anyone, especially you, has the power the change that. You are not worth the pain I feel. As much as you made me happy, you have mad me just as mad. I was never good enough for you and you always looked for something to pick at.Now that you are gone, I can focus on me, the most important person that shouldn’t be left on the back burner. I will no longer feel miserable because your name doesn’t come up on my phone or mind. In time, I will fill in the blanks were you once filled. I will find something more productive things to do than wondering what you are doing. Wondering if tears fell down your face, its not worth it. You were not worth it. You never were and you never will be.

My friend was telling me how his girlfriend broke up with him and how miserable he was feeling. I told him he should write a letter. He doesn’t have to send it. But seeing it on paper helps,have unfiltered thoughts helps a mind cope. As a result of my advise, I did one too. I had a old boyfriend and he wasn’t the nicest. He was alright but dating is for fairies and I am not one. 



Only with Time.

I wish you the best

but on the inside

I hope you cry yourself to sleep

clutching onto tear soaken pillows

wishing things were better

wishing we were better.


everything takes time.

I look out the window

and think how you can move on with life

without me in it.

how those memories could just fade

into the blue cloudless skys

that shine down on you.

how my smile or  laugh

doesn’t come flashing through your brain

whenever you hear our song.

but in this short time

you have blocked me out of your world

a place where in the first place

I didn’t belong.

but with time

your smile and your laugh

will fade out of my head

whenever I hear our song

and you will fade out of my heart

along with it.

I’ve come to a realization, and with time I will feel better about my decision but hating a person isn’t going to change anything, so whats the point.


Your Failed Attempt.

I hate you

I hate  every ounce of your being

From your chipped nail polish on your big toe

To your crooked cartilage piercing

You just had to do yourself.

I hate how I can’t get over the fact that

You’re happy at all.

Or that you’re  even alive

Breathing in the same world I am.

You did the unthinkable

The unacceptable act

That for a normal person

Wouldn’t have ever

Crossed their mind.

So now I sit here



Scared for what you are going to do next.

For the next jab in the heart

And laugh at the end.

But I will patiently wait


Contemplate on

What you think will hurt me

Even more than this.

But trust me

Nothing in your wildest dreams

Will ever compare

or even come close

to what you’ve already done.

Living life in the truth is harder than living your life through lies.


Just Think on It

Today has been very fun and weird at the same time.

I’ve been doing alot of thinking, which I think isn’t a good thing.About 3/4 of the day was me thinking. In the last year, I have changed so much. I  am no longer friends with people I was friends with. I have overcome  obstacles I thought I’d never make it through, and I have learn more in the last year then I have ever in my life.

I feel like everyone is telling me stuff to do and I can’t think for myself. I know I can do better, I know I shouldn’t be so focused on my writing, I know I need to stop being a doormat, I understand. As much as people tell me, it sinks in. And everytime someone says that, it hurts more and more.Because, I know. I know I can do so much better in my love life,  I know I  can become the writer/editor I want to be.I know I need to stop giving in to him. I say this to myself everyday… I don’t need people telling me.

I wish people understood where I was coming from. If I am in love with a man, I can be.Yes, he has taken advantage of me, and used me…. I am well aware. But for all the married people,picture someone bullying you into divorcing your husband/wife because someone says you can do better. I am not saying I feel like we are married… no. But I feel like we have gone through so much that I can’t be like “oh I am sorry… someone is telling me I can do better than you so bye.”

Throughout my life, I have had a difficult time keeping friends. They always said I was clingy or they just stopped liking me. Everytime I lost a friend it crushed me. Maybe because I am an only child, I don’t know, but with guys it is the same way. I think losing friends is a more painful expereince.So with him, it will be difficult  because he is my best friend.When all that shit happened with my best friend Alyssa, I couldn’t  lose both. I know emotionally, I couldn’t do it. Some people don’t understand how I am. They don’t understand that I’ve been hurt so many times that I know what my heart can handle. I know that I cannot lose 2 best friends at the same time. I’ve done it before and it killed me.I don’t want to go through it again.

I am getting tired of defending myself. But I dont want to give in. I don’t want to show people I will give in. I want to be happy. I am the happiest when I am with him, and I feel the worest when I leave him. I miss him everyday, and I am well aware he couldn’t give two shits about me. If he did he wouldn’t have done what he did. I appreciate everyone looking out for me, but I don’t need anyone looking out for me. I have bad luck with friends, the majority of the people I was best friends with, were assholes or just scum.

I feel like I am letting everyone down, especially my mom. Her opinion means the most to me and I am not listening to her. When I talk to her, I feel like everything that I’m feeling is normal. Today someone told me I disappointed them… I hate hearing that. I feel like once I disappoint one.. I’ve disappointed them all. Once you disappoint someone, its worse than having someone be mad at you. When they are mad, they will get over it, but once they are disappointed, there is no turning back.

I was called an idiot 3 times today. It made me start thinking… as happy as I am.. maybe I am an idiot. It breaks my heart either way… I’m stuck in the middle of my own problem.

I’m sorry I’m ranting. I need to sleep.



My Runaway.

You make me dance

like a flower in the wind

petals moving back and forth

as the deep breeze

slowly moves

through my hair.

You run towards me

the anticipation of seeing you

has made a tornado

of thoughts

that circles around my brain.

But then I look again

and you are no where

to be found.

The sun is now saying

its final good day

to the world

I grew tired

of waiting for your arrival.

I’m not afraid to walk

on this starless night

where the cold wind glides

off the calm ocean.

As the sun goes to bed

I know you

will be thinking of me

just like I

will be thinking of you.

The twinkling stars

remind me

of your eyes

as you ran towards me

on that windy spring morning.

But you made a choice.

You turned around

and ran away

just like

you always have.

I think  this is pretty incredible.Today was a big eye opening day.