I Loved you.


 

I told you I loved you

But I will not tell you again.

 

You were 16

laying the backseat

of my 70′ Chevy Cavalier

that night.

Exposed from the waist down

your face reflected the light

from the moon that hung

over the rusty car.

 

Your hands were clammy

holding on,

your eyes rolled

to the back of

your head.

sweat beads were dripping

down your warm,soft cheeks.

Your head thrashing

Right and left.

 

You smiled.

Moving

back

and

forth

with your boney,muscular

hips.

 

I told you I loved you

because I was young

and had a boner

that hadn’t gone away

in about a week.

you were the first

halfway decent

chick

to walk into homeroom

that morning.

I hadn’t slept all night,

 your eyes were tired

and your hair fell

just right.

 

I told you I loved you

because I didn’t know you

I thought you would forget.

I thought you would just ignore me

in the halls the next day.

 

But now I am in sitting in a room

with people

I don’t know.

girls are crying.

you are crying.

 

And I wish I never told you

that I loved you. 

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You and Your Hand.


Before you grabbed my hand

I was more nervous

because I knew it was coming

I just didn’t know when

I played  with the moment

imagining what would happen

wondering if it would have changed the way

they looked at us

Would you have of started kissing me?

I was not ready for that you know?

Would this “hand holding” lead to other things

like sex and falling in love

because I was not ready for that.

My heart was still young and naive

and only you and your hand

was the going to be the one

to make it ready

to take the risk

Inspired by a prompt for creative writing! 

sarah. 

Please Don’t Kiss Me


Relationships. I’ve always hated that girl who would purposely kiss her boyfriend in front of people. In a way it angered me because why do you have to broadcast to the world you are in a relationship? Why does it have to be broadcasted over the internet? I’m not into PDA but I know ALOT of people who are. My friend Sean and his girlfriend have been going out for 6 months. She’s 16, and He’s 17 and they are really happy together but every time Sean sees someone staring at them, he’ll like hug her or something,like he’s afraid someone is going to take her away from him. No one is going to take her away from you Sean, cut it with the act. 

When I was in high school, I remember I was going out with  this guy…. lets call him “LawnChair”.LawnChair was a really skinny guy with long legs and blonde hair. I guess back than that was my type.. now… not to much. But Anyway, LawnChair and I met in the 8th grade and didn’t start going out until my sophomore year of High school. It wasn’t your typical relationship to say the very least. I like I was the guy and he was the girl in the relationship. He was a really soft spoken who in a way was too awkward for my liking but I kept the relationship  going because there had to be a glimmer of hope for him, and I also cared about him alot. I remember he would try to kiss me on the bus ride home and I would hate it because I didn’t want everyone to know blatantly, that we were together even though they already knew. We held hands in the hallway but I didn’t really liked doing that either. The other PDA that I didn’t really mind was when noone was in the hallway but a few people and I kissed him before he went to class, I didn’t mind that because it was only a few people. I wasn’t that chick who would flaunt her boyfriend around like a new purse.

The other night I was in Red Bank with Cheekz, we were walking in Riverside Park and these two people were making out right in the park. I was flabbergasted. Can’t you wait till you get in your cars or go to your house or something? I don’t need to put my relationship status of Facebook or twitter or speak to the world. If I love someone, everyone doesn’t need to know. I don’t need to grab your penis in public to prove to you that I love you. 

A few months ago a friend of mine was telling me how wrong it was that I don’t like kissing in her public. I told that some relationships are different than others. The relationship I’m in now is a strange and surprising one to say the very least.I don’t need to walk around and cuddle and shit in public. When I see two people out to dinner eating outside over candlelight, that’s exactly the amount of PDA I would want. It’s enough to say “yes they are dating” but not enough to say “after dinner she may or may not get laid”. Thats the line, don’t have sex in public, even if its a little bit scandalous, don’t. The general public doesnt want to see it. 

The other night while driving home from Scott’s I thought about girls and PDA and stuff and I was reminded that not every person is the same. People like to keep their shit to themselves and I respect that greatly. I like to keep some things to myself but if something is bothering me or weighing on my head, I am going to say something I can’t handle the pressure. Some girls want the affection all the time. They want to feel wanted. I know I’m wanted because he wouldn’t keep me around if he didn’t feel that way. The point I’m trying to make is that you don’t need to kiss on a school bus, or hold hands down the street just because you are in a relationship. It’s the simple things like a kiss good night when your half sleep or a simple “Night” text because I think when they think about you when you’re not around, that’s when you know they care.

It was a nice sleep last night.I just wish my dreams were reality. 

sarah. 

A Letter to my High School Self.


Dear High School Self,

You should have had a thicker guard.You shouldn’t have let so many people take advantage of you, no matter how much you cared. You should have looked  for someone different, instead of going back to someone who was comfortable. He was too slow for you and you knew it. You shouldn’t have hurt him the way you did because karma is a bitch and she got you pretty good.

You shouldn’t have looked so desperate when she walked away. You should have embraced the people who really cared instead of focusing on her. As much as she knew, she wasn’t worth your pain.She didn’t deserve you anyway, she was an asshole who thought she was better than everyone else. You know you are much better than her,and will get much further in life than her. She may have sisters but you atleast have a family that gives a shit about what you do or who you meet.

You shouldn’t have been so jealous. Just because he liked your best friend and not you, doesn’t give you the right to try to make out with him while she was away on vacation. It came back to bite you in the ass 5 years later and it killed you. You weren’t blonde and obnoxious, and that’s  what he wanted I guess. He was fat and gross anyway, you could have done so much better, and have.

You should have hung out with kids your own age. Hanging out with those little kids wasn’t safe. It held you back from going off into the world of maturity. They made you afraid of the outside world because they weren’t going to stand beside you. You should have kicked them to the side, they were holding you back.

You were better than the white trash you lived around and yet you still associated yourself with them. You could really have gotten in trouble  if he didn’t pull you out in time. Who’s know where you would be if he wasn’t there to drag you out of that scummy basement and into his arms.

That cap and gown have faded and you are now not the same person. Middletown High School North was a place of learn and finding my way. I know as a college self  now where its safe to stand, and I’m standing on solid ground now.

To my High School Self, It was fun while it lasted, but you are too young for my style now.

sarah.

Back to September.


I’ve never felt this way about the coming fall before.

I’ve never been so excited about school in my entire life. I remember when I was little I dreading labor day weekend because even though it was going to be fun, it meant I was going to back to school and  school meant concentration camp and I wasn’t feeling it. I would always dread seeing my friends in the school environment where we couldn’t talk at any moment we wanted because a teacher was telling us useless information that I frankly still do not remember. But this year is so different, I have been itching to go back to school. I cannot wait to see all my friends and see how their summer went. I can’t wait to meet new people and learn new information that I actually will remember.

I remember my first day of college. I walked into my class and I thought I wasn’t going to meet anyone. I missed my friends so much because they were away at school and I couldn’t get over the fact that I wasn’t going see them until November.But now, I have weeded out the friends who really don’t matter and kept the ones that I truly care about. This time last year  I wasn’t ready to become an adult and I think I am a completely different person now than I was back then. If I could talk to my last year self I would warn her of the troubles the year was going to bring, and always remember the good times, because there was going to be alot of them.

At this moment, I actually am content with ways things are going. I have a pretty decent group of friends. I have a guy who’s alright most of the time. I got a job, that I hopefully am going to love,I think I am on the right track. But I always think, something is going to happen because life is going so well. Life shouldn’t be this perfect. I hope life stays like this for a while, bumps in the road are unnecessary.

School Starts next week… I really can’t wait!

sarah.

I Really Don’t Need You, But it’s Nice to Have You Here.


So tonight I was scrolling through my Facebook News Feed and I came across to a status and comments that really was relatable to me. 

My friend said :”I don’t understand why people feel they NEED to have a boyfriend or girlfriend. I’m not judging but I feel people need to be comfortable with themselvesand be independent. I never once thought “oh my god being single sucks I need a bf.” I am happy being single & if someone comes around and changes that,that’s great, but I don’t sit around hoping and looking for a bf. These things come to you… Once you stop looking.”(Facebook,K.Schreiber)

    

    I was also talking to a few of my guy friends lately about relationships. I’ve been seeing someone for a while but that doesn’t make us boyfriend and girlfriend. It doesn’t make us “friend zoned” either.We are just “seeing each other” and if that sounds too old school than I don’t know how to explain it any other way. 

When I was in school ( preferably high school) I always wanted a boyfriend. I wanted a boyfriend because all the other girls had boyfriends.For a while, I thought I was just ugly because all the guys wanted the stick girls from the cheer leading team and than the nerds and the people who weren’t so popular started getting boyfriends and that didn’t make things even better. In high school, in your brain you think that  relationships are going to last forever. You start looking at prom dresses because you know you’ll have a date and than granted, a month after you start “dating” he breaks up with you over Facebook and you eat icing out of the jar  while watching a survivor marathon ( true story).You seem so heart broken at the time and every single woman empowering song by beyonce is like your anthem and you think no one gets you but honey please, they weren’t making songs about it if people didn’t feel it.

Before I started seeing Scott, I was single for a very long time. It didn’t necessarily “suck” but I’m not gonna lie and say I’ve never been extremely jealous. I always been so envious of these stupid girls with luxurious long hair wearing name brands across there flat chests.. Back then I thought guys liked girls with flat chests.I’ve had a chest since the fourth grade. Now I am starting to actually realize that men hate girls that look like boys.  Even those these girls had boyfriends at such a young age, in reality, these skinny bitches were getting hurt and crying and I wasn’t, so really I was winning

But there is one thing I’ve learned in the year I’ve been seeing Scott. It’s that you have to go with the flow. At times it may be a quick and it can fizzle quick or it can it start out slow and get better. Its different with every person you date. The longer you stay with a person, you start to realize how slow “the train” is going to be going. Me personally, I like a moderately fast train. I don’t wanna  to be with someone that I have work hard to be with them. Everything should be easy and many people forget that. When you work hard to get a boyfriend or to be with someone it most likely won’t happen very long. My mom always told me that it once the time was right and that when I stopped looking for someone, they would come to me, and of course my mother was right. I remember I wasn’t looking for anyone when I met Scott. None of my friends had boyfriends, I thought some guys were cute but I wasn’t perusing  anyone.Once you stop looking and just start being yourself, that’s when guys start to notice you. No one wants someone who’s a fake bitch. 

As I’m getting older I’m noticing the similarities of men and women. I have grown so much more respect for men and I don’t think they are all stupid and shitty,they mess up like women do,but  we just don’t do it publicly, and as often… HA! 

Love, 
Sarah. 

 

 

Life Goes On…


 It’s funny how over time people seem to fade  in and out of your life for a variety of reasons. It could be as dramatic as huge fights and tears but sometimes, it can be as simple as just growing up and moving on with life.

The other day one of my friends from High School got really upset because I’ve decided that I was going to stop making an effort to see them. They think its going to be same when they come back home from college, its really not. Life doesn’t stop just because you are away from home.

I’ve talked to my other friends who go to Brookdale with me and they said it’s the same with them. After their friends came back from College, they weren’t the same and they weren’t as fun as they remember. I agree 100%. I still talk to a few but the bond I had with those people is no longer there.

I am not saying that I am going to drop all my friends just for my college friends, it doesn’t work like that. But it’s the fact that you change the first year  of college. You think you are now older and more mature. I honestly think I’ve changed a lot since high school. I am disgusted with who I was in high school. I was annoying and immature and didn’t really care about life. I cared about having a good time with pot heads and druggies and not about my future at all. I didn’t know what I wanted to be. I thought whoever didn’t drink was boring and weird and anyone who thought I was weird was even weirder than me. I would sing punk rock music and dance in the hallways because I didn’t care. I wouldn’t be caught dead doing those things now.

A year ago I went back to my middle school to pick up one of my friends brothers. I ran into one from my old teachers and we started talking. He hadn’t seen me in 5 years and he was surprised how much I changed. But he told me something and I won’t ever forget. I was embarrassed of myself for the first time. He said, “You know Sarah, you were such a bitch in school. I’m glad you’ve changed.” I will never forget #1 having my teacher call me a bitch, I wasn’t an asshole to that particular teacher, but teachers talk and #2 that my actions are so unforgettable.

These people need to understand that life goes on. People change. I don’t hate people if I don’t talk to you, I just am not going make an effort. The phone works two ways, if you aren’t going to make an effort, why should I? 

Sarah.

For the Girls


Throughout my life, I have had many best friends. I always thought that I needed just one. I didn’t want my secrets to be spread around the world if I had more than one. When I was younger I always had two best friends and it didn’t work because either one would shit on me or the two would go against me. I am not whining in saying this, but in life, thats what happens. Girls espically. I don’t know how girls can get along with each other. I don’t know how I can get along with some girls honestly.

After graduating high school, and after everything with the last best friend I had, I decided that I was not cut out to have a best friend. Putting so much pressure on one or two people isn’t healthy for them or me. I think people get scared because they don’t want to have that much pressure, that much responsibility that being a best friend contains.

Today now, I have a few very close friends. I wouldn’t consider them my best friend because I don’t want to be hurt again, and just the title “BEST FRIEND” scares people. Having best friends reminds me of elementary school where you had one little girl you were friends with that you had snack with and played at recess with. Back than, that was what a best friend did. Now, a best friend has to hold your hair when you have too much to drink, helps you go shopping for wedding dresses, be in the “designated driver pool”, be listed as your sister on facebook, and listen to you bitch even when their lives are much shittier than yours. Best friends do alot of shit that is completely unnecessary and if a best friend doesn’t do those things, girls freak out. They talk shit about them behind your back or have an affair with your husband. 

Girls are bitches, but like anything, we need them in our lives. As a girl I can understand them, at times.Girls use their hearts instead of their heads. I know I certainly do. Emotions cloud my judgment all the time. As nice as some girls are, they can flip over to the opposite side of the coin and become fire breathing bitches. 

I have a few girl friends and I appreciate them because they bring out  the girl side of me. They see that I have a heart and I don’t have to be so hard and flat. When I am around my guy friends its different. I have to act different. I can’t talk about nailpolish and clothes, but when I am with my friends that are girls, its easy to do that. 

My advise is to have an even friend  ratio of guys to girls. I don’t have that but maybe one day I will. 

Sarah.

Finally Closing the Yearbook.


The other day I was talking to my friend Liz about the last year. I have known liz since we were Freshmen in High School. Since now everyone from High School is back for the summer, I wanted to sit down and talk to her. Out of all my friends, I was the only one that didn’t leave home. Some people went to Rutgers( which is really close), My friend Nicole went to New York City, Lisa went to Rhode Island, and Liz went to Massachusetts. It wasn’t easy for them to come home just for a day to hang out. Plus,they all went to four year schools. I went to Community College.

Since they were away, I didn’t pout until they came home, I went out and got new friends from my college. I wasn’t going to be dependent on them. During the year for Holidays, they came home but I didn’t see them really. Whenever Liz was home I’d see her because she was the closest to me out of the group of friends we had. Liz and I are so polar opposites that we get along. She is a type of girl who is NEVER going to judge me, she maybe a little disappointed but she would never judge me.

So as I sat in Applebee’s having our celebratory “pudding shots” we started talking about the group from High School. Since all of them were away, I realized I didn’t miss them as much as I thought I was going to. I was living my life, as they were living their’s. I was talking to my friend Lisa the other day and she told me that it seemed like I was pushing everyone away, I wasn’t calling them to hang out or anything because now everyone is home. I thought about that for a second and realized that I am so used to being alone that asking these people to hang out is not in my mind because I am not used to them being home. I am used to seeing my college friends. I am used to seeing the other people like Scottie, and Cheekz and friends from jobs like Brittany and others. I am used to the group I have. I have grown to become independent without these other  people.

I don’t mean to push these people away, I am just not used to them being here. Everything has changed ALOT in one year. A year ago this time I was graduating High School. I had a completely different best friend, I didn’t worry so much, I was so wrapped up with being in love that I wasn’t seeing the bigger picture. I was closing the book with all these people. I was closing the book on my adolescents and I didn’t even realize it until now. A year ago I was a kid, and now I am an adult.

Today my mom went to High School reunion. I am not going to tell you how many years but I wonder what it was like? Seeing all the people now, the stereotypes completely insignificant. I don’t know if I’d want to go to a reunion. I don’t think I would want to open the High School book again. It was a weird time in my life. I learned that you should NEVER be dependent on 1 person because if they shit on you, it feels like you are dying. To never experiment with different groups because you might put yourself in a bad situation.

My friends from High School are not the same, and I am certainly am NOT the same.Instead of some people growing into maturity, some of them went backwards. It’s the best time to live a little I guess.. in college you can do that. I don’t think partying is my thing anymore, I did it in High School. It was a short lived thing. I mean I will party once in a while but smoking pot and drinking in the woods and shit is NOT my cup of tea. I am not out to get arrested.

I think I have outgrown my friends a little. Maybe they will catch up, maybe they won’t, we just have to see what happens.

Sarah.

In Remembrance of the People I’ve Loved on my Journey.


Who knew old friends could come back into your life when you thought  you  had no one. It’s funny how you meet new friends, just when the friends you have are starting to get old and your old friends come  back when your new friends are too much. I have gotten the opportunity thanks to Facebook, to stay in touch with the friends I had growing up. Some of them I see more than others. Some I hardly talk to at all, but if I were in trouble or needed a friend I know they would be there, in a split second.

When I was in Pre K, I only had one friend. Her name was Kim Mcglynn. She was this little blonde girl with freckles and I liked her a lot. A lot of my memories as a little kid in school were with Kim. We were best friends. I used to go over her house,and she used to come over mine. She was my first friend in school. When we were in 4th grade, she left and I never saw her again. During that time, we weren’t as close as we were when we were little, but I didn’t think I’d ever  not see her again. Because of the world of Facebook, we have rekindled our friendship to a degree. Without seeing each other in over 13 years, people change. She is having a baby, has a fiance, and lives in Arizona. Her siblings are all grown up and it feels like yesterday that they were infants. It’s funny how time flies.

Secondly there’s Brandon. I have known Brandon since we were in the 1st grade. We weren’t exactly friends but he acknowledged my existence and I acknowledged his. We didn’t start to become friends till High School, but I remembered him coming into school with weird Halloween costumes on and him giving me my first Hobby. Now he is like my brother.He has always had a special place in my heart and still does today.

Then there’s Brit. I have known Brittany Martin since I was in 3rd grade. Brittany Martin was the first friend that I truly remember our friendship to the tee. I remember things we did together, I remember her family. She was the first friend that I felt like I was home when I went to her house. I remember we used to go to her house after school and play outside in her backyard with little sister Gabey. She was quite, but she was fun. They were heavily into sailor moon and they introduced me to the world called Cartoon Network. At that time, I was a Pokemon, and Barbie chick. After hanging out with Brittany, I became familiar to the world other than Barbie. Her family became my family, and after she moved away, I was heartbroken. The day I walked into Bed Bath and Beyond about a year ago, I knew when it was her. She was grown up but she still had the same face. It was so nice to see her. Once I became employed at Bed Bath and Beyond for a grueling 6 months, Brittany and I became closer. Now we have the same friendship now that we did back than. I enjoy Brittany’s company, and I hope she enjoys mine.

I had one friend during elementary school that when I met her, I knew she was going to be my best friend. She will always be my best friend no matter how near or far she is and that’s Sabrina. Sabrina and I met because she acussed me of spitting in her face while I was screaming at this other girl because she was being a bitch. Even today she swear that I spit in her face purposely, but I know for a fact I didn’t. After our confrontation at the principles office, which I might add was the first time I was ever really in BIG trouble in elementary school, we became friends. We were so close that for a while she was living at my house. Because I am an only child and young, I got jealous. Now looking back I regret being jealous because that was being immature of me and I should have kept my mouth shut and enjoyed her company and companionship when I had the chance. Like sisters do, we got into many fights. Weather it was taking off our clothes in the middle of the street, to hitting each other with Math books. We always made up in the end. But there was this one fight that ended everything. I don’t remember why we were fighting, but I wish it didn’t end the way it did. I saw her a few years later, she looked wonderful and she forgave me and we were friends again, but I knew it was never going to be the same. I still talk to her from time to time. When I need her I know she is always going to be there. I know she still never judge me. She will always be my sister, and I still love her no matter what.

After Sabrina and I stopped being friends, I didn’t have any tight-knit friends in between. There were some, but once I got to High School, I found out who were real friends and who were just a short amount of time.

Right before High School, I met one of my real close friends Mel. Mel and I were friends for four years. We were really close for a really long time so when we stopped being friends for unknown reasons, it killed me internally and externally. Mel was my other half. We went everywhere together. Now I can’t even look at her. Entered the world of High School with our arms linked. we went on trips together, had countless sleepovers together and spend every waking moment together. She was the comfort I needed to get through the awkward stages of Freshman year. She was there. I appreciated her being there. When she stopped being my friend my junior year, I literally felt like I was being beat up everyday. I didn’t know how to function without her around. In due time. my friends  like Liz and Nicole and Brandon were there to pick me up when I fell.

Liz was the first person in High School that I met that didn’t go to my Middle School. She was in my Art Class and she sat alone and she was really quiet. I sat with kids I knew from Middle School and I was the quiet one out of the group. When I realized Liz was also in my lunch class and that I sat at the same table as her, I started to talk to her and get to know her. During our Art Class we had many laughs. It wasn’t until my end of sophomore year till Liz and I got closer. She was the quiet and reserved and I was the loud crazy one, once you got to know me. Liz has seen me at my absolute worse. She is the first person I call when I am down. She is the first person I call when I need someone. She’s known me for what feels like forever. She helped me through the worst times of my life, picking me and making me laugh and making me feel welcomed. I appreciate Liz in my life. I love Liz because I know no matter how old I am, we will be friends. I can call her at one thirty in the morning, and talk and she’ll listen. She can tell me about her anime stuff and her college friends and I will laugh even though sometimes I have no idea what she is saying because she talks so fast. She has the best interest in me. She knows how I think , she knows what I am going to say, She knows I am a creeper and still loves me anyway. I call her mom my jewish mother and her brothers hate me just as much as they (sometimes) don’t like Liz . She knows whenever she gets home from College, I will be anxiously waiting for her arrival. She knows that no matter what she will always have a friend in me, and I will always have a friend in her.

In College, I have met people who have changed my life and I’ve only met them just recently. My new friends are the foundation of what my new life is going to be like.

But out of all the friends I have met at Brookdale, my friend Andrew and I have this relationship that is a very strange one. We only hang out once a week. Some of the times I cannot stand him, vise versa but strangely I felt like I have known the guy my whole life. He has made me laugh harder than I think anyone has before. He has an opinion on everything and he is the king of  debate. When you talk to him, it’s not a normal conversation. It’s always a debate. He has taught me to actually have an opinion on things and not to always be just neutral, even though that’s what his feelings are all the time. I think he has feelings/emotions but I believe he hides them deep into his soul. I think that’s why we compliment each other out because I talk with my heart, and he talks with his head. He is a cool friend with many quirks about him, and I enjoy getting to know this strange man who likes to cuddle. Any man who cuddles and likes it, is a friend of mine.

In the last couple of days, I have been looking at my old friends and my new friends differently. In the end, they all at one time cared about me. I have left my fingerprint on their heart. From old to new, I have changed people’s lives just by my presence. I think that is pretty damn fucking amazing.

Happy Easter/Passover to all my friends young and old, old to new, known or unknown. Know I was thinking of you on this fine night, and know I appreciate you all being part of my life and making me be the person I am today.

xo Sarah