I felt like I was coming down with something. Like a cold I couldn’t shake off; like a never ending allergic reaction. I looked out the window hoping something could give me relief. I sniffled, breathing out of my mouth along with a moan of frustration. It had been six weeks and I felt like I was getting worse. Crumbled up tissues surrounded me like a barricade. The waste basket was already filled to the rim and I refused to throw my snot on the floor. I grabbed the tissue box and rocked it in my arms like a child. I took one out as the sandpaper tissue hugged my already pink tinted, scaly nose. I blew.
Looking out the window I stared at the many people scurrying down below. They looked like small ants in stiletto heels and glittery shirts. Their hair bounced as the light wind from the late autumn night caught it. They linked arms with tall men with broad shoulders and shiny shoes. The radiant glow of the moon made shadows behind them as they walked past the tall cement buildings. I sniffled again, grabbing another tissue out of the box. I leaned my clammy face against the moist, cool window and sighed with relief. The city lights were so far from reach. I closed my eyes as I breathed slowly out of mouth.
The low melody of my Beethoven cd was on its last track and I wasn’t going to start it again. Standing from the warmth of the sill, I proceeded to my bedroom that reeked of antiseptic and eucalyptus. My tired, swollen eyes scanned the room. It felt so stale, so repeated, so boring. I looked down at my black pumps still sitting in its box not yet worn. I sniffled again. Maybe next weekend I would feel better enough to go dancing, or to at least debut my new shoes. I took off my clothes to change into fresh pajamas, even though I didn’t leave the house all day, and climbed into bed.
I opened my eyes to the blaring of honking horns and screeching breaks outside the open window. Rubbing my crusty burning eyes, I looked out at the sunny day. It was a Sunday and I thought Sunday was a day of rest. I slid out of bed and walked over to the open window and shut it, closing myself from the rest of the world. I slipped on my pink fuzzy slippers that looked like wet dog hair and dragged my stiff tired legs to the bathroom.
Looking at my reflection I noticed that any amount of color that had ever been in my face had been drained out. I spit in the sink as I sniffled. I ran my fingers through my dried out frizzy hair and shook my head with disgust. This sickness was not going to overpower me. I turned on the shower and waited for the steam to fill the small bathroom. The mirror began to fog up, fading my reflection in the mist. I leaned against the sink and put my head in my hands. Frustration filled my brain as the steam began to seep through my congested nose. I sniffled again.
So I found out the other day that I am going to be getting my associates in the spring and I am excited yet terrified at the same time. in 1 year I’ll be on my own. It’s extremely overwhelming. I am going to be leaving my friends, family and everything I’ve ever known and probably not coming back. Every time I think or talk about it I start crying. When I was in High School, I didn’t go to a four year school because I didn’t think I was ready to leave home. I was not the adult I am now 2 years ago. I was still a kid and I never could have imagined being self sufficient at 18 years old. Even though I’m only 19, 18 to 19 is a really big step, it was for me especially. Now that I am almost 20 years old ( ew that sounds ancient) I think even though I may not be psychically ready to leave home, I know mentally I can do it.
As an only child I got many perks. I never had to share a room. My room is and has been my own room for my entire life. It’s going to be very weird living with someone I just met. You have to trust them not to steal your stuff while you’re in class. That would be the one thing that would scare me. I think I would have to get a safe because after living in the neighborhood I have been living in my whole life, you trust no one and no one trusts you. I don’t know how that whole roomie thing is going to work out.
Also, not having a car I know for me is going to be a huge problem. I don’t know how these college do it without a car. I heard that some people can’t bring cars if they are first years. I don’t know because I am a transfer student that I would be considered a first year. I will go into anxiety mode, I know so. If I didn’t have a way to go home even if it meant days worth of driving, at least I would have the oppurtunity and the ability to if I really needed.
I am just worried about this moving away from home thing. I have a tight group of friends, I have a guy, my home, my family, my heart is here. It’s really scary leaving. I am the only one out of my family that even considered leaving. My uncle left when he was my age, but he came back. I don’t know if I am coming back. I know I am going somewhere I love but what if I get there and hate it? This is one of the biggest decisions of my life. I thought the last 2 years was difficult but now that I have to leave everything I know go somewhere that I don’t know.. It’s hell of alot more difficult.
I have to take one step at a time.. its just crazy and overwhelming.