Wishing for Results.


so for the last month I have been going to the gym everyday. Whenever I have a free second I will throw on  my sneakers and head to the gym. I will get on the elliptical and forget about everyone around me. I will focus on the task at hand. The task is to not throw up after 3 miles of intensely moving up and down.

I was never into working out ever. I thought my father was crazy for running everyday. I thought it wasn’t necessary. I didn’t think it was necessary till I started to gain back all the weight I lost during the winter. My pants started to feel tighter and I wasn’t feeling happy about myself. If you look at pictures from two years ago, yeah I’ve lost weight, but I’ve always felt fat. I was never felt content with body.

Since the first day of school I forced myself to go to the gym. I want to feel better about myself. I want people to look at me different. I was talking to Scottie the other day and since he came back from California, he’s been working out too. He lost 20 lbs since august, I don’t think it will take that quick for me. Apparently for women, it takes a hell of alot longer. He said that its cool when people notice your hard work. I can’t wait to feel that.

I wish I had quick results. I am used to things happening quickly so this working out thing is a big change for me. I joined 2 gyms, I try to eat healthy and still its a very slow process. I feel a little lighter, maybe its my hair cut, who knows.I am very impatient, I want things to happen now and not over time.

In the beginning I HATED sweating in public, now I must sweat in public because if don’t, I feel like I didn’t try. I just started going to the gym for as long as 2 hours. I love feeling exhausted when I get home, I feel like I did something with my day that can help me tomorrow.

I have a goal, I have plan, and I must stick to it.

Wish me Luck!

Sarah.

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A Letter to my High School Self.


Dear High School Self,

You should have had a thicker guard.You shouldn’t have let so many people take advantage of you, no matter how much you cared. You should have looked  for someone different, instead of going back to someone who was comfortable. He was too slow for you and you knew it. You shouldn’t have hurt him the way you did because karma is a bitch and she got you pretty good.

You shouldn’t have looked so desperate when she walked away. You should have embraced the people who really cared instead of focusing on her. As much as she knew, she wasn’t worth your pain.She didn’t deserve you anyway, she was an asshole who thought she was better than everyone else. You know you are much better than her,and will get much further in life than her. She may have sisters but you atleast have a family that gives a shit about what you do or who you meet.

You shouldn’t have been so jealous. Just because he liked your best friend and not you, doesn’t give you the right to try to make out with him while she was away on vacation. It came back to bite you in the ass 5 years later and it killed you. You weren’t blonde and obnoxious, and that’s  what he wanted I guess. He was fat and gross anyway, you could have done so much better, and have.

You should have hung out with kids your own age. Hanging out with those little kids wasn’t safe. It held you back from going off into the world of maturity. They made you afraid of the outside world because they weren’t going to stand beside you. You should have kicked them to the side, they were holding you back.

You were better than the white trash you lived around and yet you still associated yourself with them. You could really have gotten in trouble  if he didn’t pull you out in time. Who’s know where you would be if he wasn’t there to drag you out of that scummy basement and into his arms.

That cap and gown have faded and you are now not the same person. Middletown High School North was a place of learn and finding my way. I know as a college self  now where its safe to stand, and I’m standing on solid ground now.

To my High School Self, It was fun while it lasted, but you are too young for my style now.

sarah.

What You Ask For.


If you knew I liked you

Why didn’t you do anything about it

In the first place?

What made you categorize me as

“Not good enough”

How did I not meet your expectations?

Am I too dark

too fat

too curvy for your liking?

Was it that my hair is not any shade of orange?

Do I not have enough freckles?

Are my opinion too outspoken?

Am not dumb enough for you to take advantage of?

Can you see my internal scars between my gapped teeth

Every time I laugh?

Do you think I am too innocent?

Virgin like in a sense?

I don’t wear cat ears

Or watch anime

If that helps.

I’m not high maintenance or a shopaholic.

I hate shoes and makeup

And jewelry of all kind.

I hate all clothes that don’t come Kohl’s

And name brands printed across my chest.

Is it that I don’t wear stilettos to the beach?

Or to the office?

Or to pick up my nonexistent child up from school?

Is it that I don’t  have enough drama in my life

Or that I’m not from New York

With an annoying mother

And accent?

Is that I ask questions

Even though really

I don’t give a shit

About what you say?

Does it piss you off

That I like to learn

and that I don’t just go with flow?

Or that I refuse to do something

I clearly don’t want to do?

Is that I have class

And you’re not use to that ?

I know you’d much rather have someone

Who doesn’t have any  emotions

Because attachment

Is like the kiss of death in your eyes.

But maybe trashy prostitutes

Aren’t the best choice

Because that’s the only person

That fit your laundry list

of unrealistic expectations.

Men are looking for barbie I’ve noticed… bitch please, half the US is obese… barbie doesn’t exist anymore. 

Sarah. 

Pushing Pedestals.


You think you’re so cool

with you’re flower in your hair and shit,

Honey please…

you aren’t as good

or even better than us.

I might not be the most attractive

but a beauty with no brains

isn’t a beauty to me.

You maybe the one he wants

because you match the “perfect woman” standards

but really.

you’re just as low and trashy

as the dirt bags who look ten times worse than you.

so in reality,

make up and flowers

cover up the filth

that cakes around your eyes.

and without that

you’re just like every low life around

so don’t put yourself on a pedestal dear

because we might push you off.

Inspired by Facebook profile pictures… and rich bitches… and maybe a little reality tv

Sarah. 

Magazine’s are Deceiving


Yesterday, I was looking at a Sports Illustrated magazine, and I was baffled by what I saw. In my whole 19 years of life, I have never ever, touched a sports illustrated, playboy, or playgirl magazine… it just isn’t my thing, but the other day, I was at Barnes and Noble and the sports illustrated caught my eye. It wasn’t like the traditional sports illustrated covers where the girl is half naked on the cover. It had like colors and Kate Upton was on it. I personally like Kate Upton, she seems like a normal human being and she’s not a total stick.

After going through the magazine, I was shocked by what I was seeing. I thought it was going to be all about sports, because you know it’s called “Sports Illustrated”, but no. I was mistaken…. yet again. Every page had a different girl on it. Some yes, were gorgeous, but some were just bodies with ugly faces. They were holding footballs, soccerballs, and tennis rackets against their small chests. I didn’t find any part of this attractive.

As I continued to skim through the book, I was looking at not the girl’s bodies, but their faces. They were not happy. You could see it in their eyes that they were only doing this because they wanted money. As much as Sports Illustrated is a top magazine and a great opportunity, I don’t think it’s worth taking your clothes off for.

I was talking to my friend Andrew about Sports Illustrated because he is a guy, and I wanted a guy’s opinion on this. I asked him if he minded his daughter being in the magazine. He said he wouldn’t have minded. That boggled my mind. If my daughter was in Sports Illustrated I would be embarrassed. I wouldn’t want dirty old men looking at my child in a bathing suit or lingerie. I wouldn’t want men to be getting a hard on from a picture of my daughter. But in some ways his opinion made sense because he also said Sports Illustrated is all about Sports, as much as people don’t read the print. It’s all about sponsoring players. But can’t they sponsor players in more clothing, like maybe a nightgown? or a tee shirt and jeans?

As I looked at the magazine, there was a man standing next to be looking at the same magazine. He was in his late thirties, I could tell. I was curious on what his opinion on it was because I wasn’t sure if he was looking at for pleasure or if he was actually reading the words. He said that it was better than Playboy, and that he wouldn’t mind if his daughter was in Sports Illustrated because it’s not a white trash magazine like Playboy is.

I think my opinion lies with fact that I would never be caught dead in that magazine, let alone be a model. I could go on for days on why I don’t think modeling is such a wonderful profession, but I’ll leave that for another time. Sports Illustrated is degrading women. If it’s not considered a dirty magazine, then the girls should put some clothes on.

As much as I love Kate Upton, I don’t think I’ll ever touch a Sports Illustrated magazine again.

xo Sarah.

Barbie and the Skinny Bitches.


I never understood why guys like girls who are skinny bitches. Why would girls who are 18/19  years old, want to look like small children and shop in the kids department.As a women who isn’t that skinny, I would much rather dress like a women then a small child. The girls with the charms coming out of the temporary home of their umbilical cords are the worst. Wasn’t it painful to get done? Doesn’t it get caught on their shirts? Doesn’t  it hurt them at night when they are sleeping on their stomach’s? I honestly would think it would be weird to have a piece of metal coming out of my stomach. Tanning… I have never gone tanning before and after watch the movie Final Destination 3, I probably never will. Besides that I’ve heard its extremely bad for your health,I rather not look orange. I am from New Jersey and the tanning thing has become extremly popular because of the show  Jersey Shore, so everyone looks orange.Why do men think orange women with a huge poof on the top of their heads are so sexy? . Do the ompalompas in the movie Charlie and Chocolate Factory make them hard?

The one thing that really boggles my mind is that why would any guy want a girl who looked like a small child? Is looking like a pedophile become a new trend? I have met many guys that think girls with no chest  and small bodies are the most attractive things. I look at them and think…”these chicks look like they are 10 yrs old.” In some ways I feel bad for them because people will mistaken them as elementary school children for the rest of their lives.

Think about when you were High School. There was always those girls who looked like Barbie.Their faces were caked with makeup their hair always look just perfect.Then their were people like me who barely got to the bus everyday.When I started High School, I envied those girls. But after a while, I realized they were just as plastic and fake as Barbie herself.

The  Barbie mentality got old quick. Barbie is now a 50 yr women. Ken left her for another women and we are still unsure if she has children or not. Why would anyone want to idolize a person like that?She has a flat genital area for crying out loud.I wonder what people would do if they came out with a “chubbier” Barbie. Would anyone buy it? Barbie had no flaws. She had long legs,perfect hair, and she had to of been rich to be able to have a motor home, a dream house, and the many cars  she owned (I know personally I had two).

After befriending a few guys within the last year, I have come to realize that men have some standards,shockingly. Before becoming friends with men that vary in age,  I always thought all men were the same. I was proven wrong. Becoming friends with them, has made me see men from a new perspective. In some ways I have had the opportunity to get inside a man’s brain. It’s pretty incredible. All men cry and that was something I never knew.All men will love their mother more then they will love any other woman. To men, their mom’s opinions are the ones they listen to the most. You know you have found a good guy when they say “my mother is my best friend.” and they mean it. I’ve realized that men will always like pretty things. But  In time, men will realize that being skinny doesn’t always make you beautiful, it might just make you a bitch.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day. Enjoy Your Hangovers!

Sarah.