Put a Ring on it.

So Today my friend and I were talking about marriage. Marriage doesn’t come up in my life often because I am 19 years old and I am okay with the fact that I am never getting married ever. Marriage and commitment to that extent isn’t my style, I don’t want to kill them or feel like I’m trapped in a relationship I don’t want to be in. Marriage to me, is terrifying. Many people jump into marriage like its not a big deal and I honestly don’t understand it. What makes you feel like you are ready to marry this person?

I was talking to my friend Mike about  marriage and he was telling me that he thinks he might have met his wife ( his current girlfriend  )and I couldnt be more happy for him, as well as her. He always talks about her and is always excited to see her and is never disappointed. For a while he wasn’t sure what he wanted to do, but he realized something that made him decide that staying with her was the right thing to do.

I’ve realized after looking at Mike’s relationship that my relationship is not like that, and if it is supposed to be like that,then something is wrong. I don’t know what is wrong per say,  but I know if relationships are supposed to be like Mike and his girlfriend’s then something is wrong with mine.

But I’ve decided that marriage is NOT for me. I know some people who are 19 are getting married… are  you fucking crazy? How do you know he’s your husband, how do you know he’s the one? I don’t even know what classes I want to take next semester, let alone my husband.

With all the men I’ve gone out with I could never imagine myself with anyone  of them even though I’ve been with them in the first place. I don’t think I’m cut out for marriage or commitment to that extent. It seems terrifying to me. Mike told me that he is going to go down on 1 knee and everything, its exciting for him.. it must be accomplishing to know you’ve found the person you were destined to be with. I wonder if I’ve already met him, or maybe I’ll never meet him at all.

But overall I believe that every relationship is a lesson learned and when you make the commitment to be married there is more lessons to be learned. I don’t think there is such thing as a soul mate because I don’t think I can love someone that much. I loved Scottie, but I don’t think I could ever imagine spending the rest of my life with him.

I am a complicated person and with a complicated person comes with alot of patience and I don’t think anyone will be able to handle me. I’m more that meets the eye



Fade Into you

So I’ve been watching the new show Nashville on Abc. As much as I don’t like Hayden Panettiere, I really love this show. The music in show is amazing and this song is my favorite. It’s so sassy and sexy. Even though this show is extremely dramatic, and I have enough of that in my life, I really enjoy just sitting on my recliner after a long hardworking week and flip on my ONDemand and see this show waiting for me. It’s a guilty pleasure, but so are all my shows..

Have a great Monday!

Things Left Unsaid.

Every time I hang out with my friend Shannon, we always talk about relationships. I’ve known Shannon since I was in elementary school and its awesome that we still hang out after all this time. We talk about our relationships and things happening in our lives and its really really nice. It’s like a release of everything that has been going on and taking a closer look at it. It helps me analyze not only her life and how I can help her make decisions,but how I can change my life for the better. 

Today we were talking about her new guy she was talking to and how everything is new to her now, now she is not with the same guy she was with before. I know that sounded complicated but there is a point to this madness. I think in relationships alone its all about taking it slow and I think thats how relationships fall short because not many couples do that anymore. I know this one couple that even after a week, they started saying “I love you” to eachother. Bitch please, you can’t love them if you don’t know them. Love takes time. You might be falling in love, but you’re not in love. Falling in love and being in love are two completely different things. 

I think this whole labeling of Boyfriend and Girlfriend are completely ridiculous also. I was talking to Scottie a couple of months ago and he said something that was accurate about relationships. He said that once you label something it starts to have rules,regulations and expectations and what’s the point of that if it will be the same if you just date the without those complicated rules. From the many guys I’ve talked to, I’ve noticed that they are terrified of the labels. It frightens them because now they are locked down. They have to be the ass kisser.

You don’t need to put a name on it to make legit. If you care about the person there is unspoken regulations anyway. I don’t know why there has to be a novel written of rules of how to be in a relationship and what or what not to do while you’re in one. People make it complicated and everything should be simple. 

As I walked through Red Bank tonight alone, I watched as a couple held hands while walking out of the movie theater  I wondered how long it took to get where they were standing and how difficult the road they traveled was. I wondered if the man was a nice guy or if that date to the movies was just a fluke moment in the relationship.I wondered if the girl was happy or if she was only in the relationship because she was afraid to be alone. I wondered if they had a label or their feelings and thoughts were unsaid….




Live in Reality Sweetie.

While on Facebook today I was looking at all the stupid posts that are  like this:

and this

and I thought to myself… What the hell kind of world do we live in. Since when do these girls want these perfect boyfriends? In reality I’ve never met a guy who is like any of these things. My friend John is the nicest guy I know and even he isn’t like this. Every guy that I have ever talked to are not necessarily always the same, but at some point in their lives have been the same. It’s always like who having sex with the most women.. I don’t understand this competition because if chicks did this we would be considered whores.

I was talking to Scott the other night about chicks and I realized that men don’t love like women do. Men are very complex when it comes to their hearts. Women just know when they are in love. I know I did. But men are very different, they have to really look deep into the person, mind, body, and soul to figure out if she is worthy of their heart. I understand why men right write love songs now. They write them because its unbelievably more painful for men because men are careful and they still get shit on. When I fell in love, I took a big risk. I didn’t care if I was eventually going to get hurt. I knew at that moment nothing else mattered.

In a way  men are very smart. I wish I actually assessed the situations in my life before giving my all to 1 person. It would save much heartache in the end that’s for sure.

Maybe one day a guy will realize they can trust me with their heart but I know its not now.


You and Your Hand.

Before you grabbed my hand

I was more nervous

because I knew it was coming

I just didn’t know when

I played  with the moment

imagining what would happen

wondering if it would have changed the way

they looked at us

Would you have of started kissing me?

I was not ready for that you know?

Would this “hand holding” lead to other things

like sex and falling in love

because I was not ready for that.

My heart was still young and naive

and only you and your hand

was the going to be the one

to make it ready

to take the risk

Inspired by a prompt for creative writing! 


Three Small Words

So my friend and I were talking yesterday about Love. As you can probably tell love is a huge topic in my life. I am really intrigued by love because it’s the most misinterpreted feeling ever. People may think they feel love, but in reality love  is bigger than those 3 little words and honestly it really can’t be described.

When I watch those romance comedies I think “wow,that man really said i love you to that chick. He’s really got some balls” because men and the words “I love you” don’t usually go together. I was reading a post about this on thoughtcatalog the other day and it was about what is the best ways to say I love you and in reality there really isn’t the best way. I remember when I told someone I loved them for the first time I held my breath because I was afraid of the reaction and I also in shock that it came out. I remember I said it over and over  in my head just so I wouldn’t mess up. So I wouldn’t have to repeat it. I don’t think I’ve ever been so vulnerable in my life when I said it. I unfortunately didn’t get an “I love you too” response but I wasn’t expecting it either. It was just something I had to say.

I think men are afraid of the words I love you because those words hold a world full of baggage. A commitment is enough baggage, and then you have to love them too? If you aren’t organized, than all your baggage will fall out of your hands and your relationship will fall apart too.

To me, you don’t have to say I love you to love someone. If you show them respect and you enjoy being around them than that’s love. I wrote another post about what exactly love is and it’s all about emotion.You don’t need to hold the door or buy me gifts. That isn’t love.

I think people don’t use “I love you” seriously. Kids/teenagers are throwing those words around like it’s a normal thing to say. I wouldn’t say “i love you” to someone if I didn’t mean it. If I am seriously telling you that I love you, I mean that I have given you my heart and you are mine and I will keep your best interest and I will be there for you, no matter what. When people say “I love you”, to me it’s like a promise. It’s a vow that you will always care about this person because this person has touched your heart in ways no one has before and  you are acknowledging and appreciating  them everyday.

I know people don’t say I love you anymore because now its lost a lot of meaning. It’s not the same as it used to be. I think it’s a shame that we have overrated love to the point where no one can say I love you. But I believe that you don’t have to hear someone tell you they love you, you just have to feel it.


I’m a Lucky Girl.

As I walked into the 7/11 last night, I realized how lucky I am. I was watching this girl  who was with her boyfriend and I felt like was watching my reflection. She was standing at the doorway of waiting for her boyfriend who was getting coffee. She didn’t look happy but when she saw him walking towards her,she smiled really wide. But than, the guy just walked past her without any recollection of her at all. She followed him with her head down and her smile disappeared. That whole scenario wasn’t my reflection but when the girl left, I asked Scottie if he saw what just happened. He was also getting coffee next to the asshole guy so he didn’t see anything, of course. It hit me that if I was that girl and I smiled really huge when Scottie was walking up to me, I don’t think he would ignore me. He would roll his eyes and call me a geek and we would walk out together.I am lucky that I am not stuck in a situation like that girl was in. In a way, I actually understood her because I was like that atleast once in my life. You’re trapped because you love the person so much  because if you left them, it would  kill you

After our trip to 7/11, Scottie and I we were talking about eyes. Recently, eyes have started to intrigue me. I wonder what people see when they see me. Supposedly I am easy to read, but reading me and looking in my eyes are two very different things. My eyes can tell you one story but “I” can tell you another. He said something that really got me thinking. He said “when you look in my eyes, you see only one thing, right?” and I shook my head. He was surprised. When I look into peoples eyes I see what they want to say but are too afraid to say. I see stories that I can’t read. I see a beautiful mixture of colors that make a person unique. I see the tears that will eventually come. I see feelings that are hidden deep within them. I look into his eyes, I realize how lucky I am.

Yup, I am really corny… and a little cute <3


Patience is Stronger than Love.

So the other day I was talking to my friend Mike about his relationship with his girlfriend. His girlfriend is from Brazil and they have been together for a little over six months. They are really cute together and I think he really loves her. It’s funny when you look at someone who is already in love and see the similarities and differences you have with them even though the feeling you both have for a different person is the same. He was telling me how at times he is unsure if he wants to stay with her when things get rough. She is a little older than him and sometimes she worries about the future will hold for both of us. My friend doesn’t think in the future, he only thinks in the moment, so he doesn’t really worry about those kinds of things. I guess living in the moment is a kind of good thing because you don’t have to worry about whats going to happen. I always have to have a game plan so living in the moment is not for me.

But as we were talking, he was explaining to me his relationship with him and his girlfriend. He does cute things for her like surprise her and show up at her house without notice. How him and her have movies weekends and they go to the movies all the time. She teaches Portuguese and he loves it. It’s being with a foreign chick thing. I’ve never been with someone who wasn’t american and I don’t think I’d know what to do if I was with a foreign person. But anyway, they do their own thing and its so cute.

But during our conversation, he said something that really got me thinking. He said that he doesn’t leave her because she is so good to him. He said he wasn’t ever going find someone who understands him like she does. I immediately thought of Scottie, of course. At times, I think that I deserve so much better than I have but at other times I don’t think that anyone would understand me like he does.Even though he’s crazy I enjoy how stupid and ridiculous he is. If he wasn’t a nerd or didn’t have conversations to his friends saying things like “No, I don’t want to be a Jedi” I don’t think I would like him. He would be boring, and I really really hate boring people.

People come into your life for a reason. It may teach you things like Portuguese or maybe its an even bigger lesson of patience. While being with Scottie, I have learned to be extremely patient because I would have already turned into a crazy bitch if I wasn’t patient.Patience is a virtue. It takes practice to be calm all the time. If I didn’t practice I would be disappointed and I would be selfish and crazy.

After a long night of changed plans dinner alone, I have learned that in life you just have to roll with what gives you. If tonight was meant for the gym and Keeping up with the Kardashians, than I guess  so be it.


How the Seasons Change.

In spring we fell in love

when the flowers bloomed

and the air was light

and my heart was baptized in your love

becoming whole and pure.

In the summer the warm sun not only

seeped in to our skin

but into my heart as well.

We sat on the rusty park benches together

with your arm around my neck

looking out in the departing sun

Fall returned and so did the colorful leaves

falling from each tree that surrounded our hidden world

I looked out your dirty apartment window

and questioned how long this would last

if the winter would freezed us together

or spread us apart.