Heavy Foot,Heavy Heart.

I heard the door creek open


Walk in thinking I can’t hear you

Thinking I don’t know what you’re about to tell me

What I’m about to hear

You walk up the stairs one heavy foot

After the other saying prayers in your head

Wishing things weren’t like this

Wishing you could go back in time

Thinking how I’ll react or

If I’ll react at all

You look at me and turn

And put your head down in shame

I listen to your heavy heart beat as you  walk closer

You sit on the couch

Tan,dirty,warn out

Filled with memories

Ripped at the seams you didn’t care

You were in the moment and said you’d fix it later

But never got around to it

you take off your bulky snow shoes

It wasn’t snowing, you just liked how it looked

With your outfit

But today

You didn’t care about your outfit

Or anything in that matter

I put my arm around you

Your breath s are heavy and you face is red

Not only from the cold

But I knew you were crying

I knew it wasn’t easy

Did you laugh,did you tell

Anyone but me?

“I have to tell you something”

You said moving away from my grasp

I could feel the coldness taking over your body

This news couldn’t wait you thought

Even though it was something

I already digested.

You threw up the words

As you bit furiously at your lip

Piercing it with your teeth


Held onto to whatever was left

Of strength you had

Silence hugged you as I looked blankly out the window

Unsure of what to say

Unsure of what to feel .

You slipped your boots onto your feet

As teardrops hit the floor

You weren’t crying

your heart just didn’t know what to do

I didn’t know what to do

“I’d better go” you said

Slipping on your jacket

You were always cold

But today

You were even colder

And days to come it would be the coldest

You would ever be.

You grabbed my hand and looked up at me

Your eyes glistened in the dim street light

You were so pale, so fragile

“I’m sorry “ you said

I held you, I felt every inch of your soul

I could feel your heart break against me

And I had no tape to piece it back together

“we will get through this” I said “Just like we always had”

You sniffled and nodded not even looking up

I watched you walk away

Your boots shuffle across the concrete


Slid into your car

I see your break lights shine against the white houses

I turn to walk away

Not knowing how we would get through this

Or if we would at all.



You are my own good

You are the best I possibly could have

You think you can have better

But what is better?

Who can be better, how do you know what

Better looks like?

How would know if there  is any better out there?

How do you know if I’m not the best

You are going to get


If there isn’t anything better

Than me.

Live in Reality Sweetie.

While on Facebook today I was looking at all the stupid posts that are  like this:

and this

and I thought to myself… What the hell kind of world do we live in. Since when do these girls want these perfect boyfriends? In reality I’ve never met a guy who is like any of these things. My friend John is the nicest guy I know and even he isn’t like this. Every guy that I have ever talked to are not necessarily always the same, but at some point in their lives have been the same. It’s always like who having sex with the most women.. I don’t understand this competition because if chicks did this we would be considered whores.

I was talking to Scott the other night about chicks and I realized that men don’t love like women do. Men are very complex when it comes to their hearts. Women just know when they are in love. I know I did. But men are very different, they have to really look deep into the person, mind, body, and soul to figure out if she is worthy of their heart. I understand why men right write love songs now. They write them because its unbelievably more painful for men because men are careful and they still get shit on. When I fell in love, I took a big risk. I didn’t care if I was eventually going to get hurt. I knew at that moment nothing else mattered.

In a way  men are very smart. I wish I actually assessed the situations in my life before giving my all to 1 person. It would save much heartache in the end that’s for sure.

Maybe one day a guy will realize they can trust me with their heart but I know its not now.


What You Ask For.

If you knew I liked you

Why didn’t you do anything about it

In the first place?

What made you categorize me as

“Not good enough”

How did I not meet your expectations?

Am I too dark

too fat

too curvy for your liking?

Was it that my hair is not any shade of orange?

Do I not have enough freckles?

Are my opinion too outspoken?

Am not dumb enough for you to take advantage of?

Can you see my internal scars between my gapped teeth

Every time I laugh?

Do you think I am too innocent?

Virgin like in a sense?

I don’t wear cat ears

Or watch anime

If that helps.

I’m not high maintenance or a shopaholic.

I hate shoes and makeup

And jewelry of all kind.

I hate all clothes that don’t come Kohl’s

And name brands printed across my chest.

Is it that I don’t wear stilettos to the beach?

Or to the office?

Or to pick up my nonexistent child up from school?

Is it that I don’t  have enough drama in my life

Or that I’m not from New York

With an annoying mother

And accent?

Is that I ask questions

Even though really

I don’t give a shit

About what you say?

Does it piss you off

That I like to learn

and that I don’t just go with flow?

Or that I refuse to do something

I clearly don’t want to do?

Is that I have class

And you’re not use to that ?

I know you’d much rather have someone

Who doesn’t have any  emotions

Because attachment

Is like the kiss of death in your eyes.

But maybe trashy prostitutes

Aren’t the best choice

Because that’s the only person

That fit your laundry list

of unrealistic expectations.

Men are looking for barbie I’ve noticed… bitch please, half the US is obese… barbie doesn’t exist anymore. 


Kind Eyes.

I may not miss you today

I may not miss you tomorrow

but in a lifetime

I know I will.

It may not be tomorrow

It may not be today

but in a lifetime

I will long for you

your sweet smile

and mysterious eyes.

Eyes that hold so many secrets

so many lies.

It may not be today

It may not be tomorrow

but someday

I will find out what you hide

Behind those kind eyes.

Today my mom and I talked about her past relationships and how my relationships with guys are almost the same as hers were. It’s nice that she can finally understand me.  I am so happy I can finally talk to her about everything without feeling like I have something to hide.She can feel what my heart is feeling because she has already felt it. She has gone through what I am going through and didn’t care about how anything was going to turn out, just like I don’t. I’m glad somebody finally understands. 



The Wall of Ego.

I’ve  heard every love song

Read every love poem

And still haven’t grasp the fact that

None of this is ever a reality

The true reality is

Men watch sports and pornography

And that’s pretty much it.

I’ve never met a guy who

Talked about girls with his friends

Maybe I’m meeting the wrong guys

Or maybe the only guys that don’t appreciate their women

Are the immature assholes

I somehow gravitate to.

I don’t understand the attraction

Maybe it’s the love for the WWE

Or how they have bobblehead dolls in their china closet

Because they had nowhere else to put them

Or how they eat ramen

Instead of learning how to cook an actual meal.

Maybe it’s the fact I can be the teacher

Help them grow into a better human

Show them that being an asshole

Will not take them anywhere in life

Or maybe its that I’m just a sucker

For dimples and Mohawks

If only the assholes could see

That being nice

Will get you more girls

But I know

Because of their ego

They’ll never learn

and that’s a damn shame.



After listening to hours and hours of Leanne Rimes, I’ve realized that no guys are like the guys in these songs… 

I’m in one of those “I hate men because they exist” moods.


My Mistake.

I am not a slut

I was just in love

With the wrong man

A man who watched me

Formed me

Into the woman I am today

Who told me I was ugly

And I believed it

Who only loved me

When we were alone

Because he hated seeing me smile

He aged me

In ways you will never understand

He took advantage of the fact

That in my eyes he could do no wrong

That I would love him forever

But you see I’m finally walking away

Even though his kisses are the most pure

And his touch warms my soul

I can’t be bleeding from my heart anymore

Because every time he tells me I’m not good enough

I bleed a little harder

I grow a little weaker

I die a little faster


I love you

I love you too much I think

Because every time I think of walking away from you

I get instantly pulled back into your grasp

It’s not that I don’t like being there

It’s that you deserve better.

You are afraid of commitment because

You are looking for someone

That is impossible to find.

I have found a human being inside you

That I wouldn’t be afraid

To feel for

To care for

Each and every day of my life.

The fact that I can sleep peacefully in your arms

Is something that I thought I’d never be able to do

With anyone.

People don’t understand

How I could love someone

Who doesn’t really care

But I say, you don’t know him like I do.

You don’t know how beautiful he is when he sleeps

Or how painful it is to hear him sick

Or how wonderful it feels to have his cold moist lips against yours.

Maybe if they felt this they’d understand

But I doubt they would.

May I have this Dance?

I want to lay here

Wrapped in your strong arms

Your soft skin

Your warm body.

You cling to me

As if we are 1 person

But with 2 minds.

I close my eyes gently

Your grasp weakens

You’ve slip inside a different world

Where imagination takes over.

I do the same.


I imagine we are dancing

With nothing on.

Frank Sinatra booming out of old speakers

That your cats have been ruining for years.

You hold me tight that as if

You’d let go

I would fall into the fires of hell.

I feel your slow breath against my chest

Your heart is beating quicker

I watch your eyes squint open

As you press play

On the cassette player and whisper

“May I have this dance?”

The Telephone.

It seems that
Whenever I am having a bad day
You are the first person that I call
It could be 2 am
or 1 pm
but you answer anyway.
Its like you know when its important
It’s like you know when I need you.
You could be having a bad day yourself
But yet you comfort me
Without even trying.
You make me laugh
And help me forget
Whats going on around me.
You tell me how much you can’t wait to see me
Even though I don’t think
You really care.
Your voice is a reminder
That life will be okay
Because you’re in it.

I was having a Bad day yesterday… I wanted to do some classic love poetry.. I used to write this word vomit all the time..