contracts.


We stood single file in front of a small window

waiting.

for an emotionless Indian receptionist

with a colored turban and a mustache

she looks down not staring us in the eye because

she doesn’t want to judge us. She hands us the packet

the contract telling us that there is no turning back, we cannot find a neon sign

and run. The fire exit is locked and the only way down is the elevator shaft

but that will make a scene, and we aren’t going to make a scene.

 

we shuffle our feet slowly

against the mucus colored carpet and we think

what would be like if we actually went along with it?

13 to 30 we stand like a unenthusiastic conga line

waiting.

Not waiting for anything important like a movie ticket

or an amusement park ride feeling like clouds are in my throat

This is not like that.

My stomach acid is churning like butter with the little

water I was only allowed to drink and it tastes like skin.

 

I look at the clipboard, the piles of papers

asking me for my social security number,telephone number,

my insurance provider, and my name

and I don’t know

because this isn’t me.

Beautiful Girl.


 

I watch the men and women

People I knew

People I loved

Black dresses, suits

Emerging into all doors

The clicking of high heels

Echo the empty church

We are waiting

for her

The organ begins to play

An hour glass of time

Till we will see her

Men weeping for a woman

Who touched the young, old

And me, we watch

As she is glides

in a shiny oak casket

Towards the man who she had always loved

Even though he took her only son

The perfume of flowers

Engulf our sense

As our priest

Blankets her in frankincense

Blessing her

And wishing her a safe trip

I watch her daughter

My friend

Stand at a podium

Telling the world how wonderful her mother is

Was

And me thinking

“thank god it wasn’t mine”

salt from my eyes

Slip into my mouth

I look at her

Tearless,

she smiles down

At the mother she once hugged

Once kissed

And says

“I will make you proud mom”

RIP Yvonne Mckay 12/2007

I Loved you.


 

I told you I loved you

But I will not tell you again.

 

You were 16

laying the backseat

of my 70′ Chevy Cavalier

that night.

Exposed from the waist down

your face reflected the light

from the moon that hung

over the rusty car.

 

Your hands were clammy

holding on,

your eyes rolled

to the back of

your head.

sweat beads were dripping

down your warm,soft cheeks.

Your head thrashing

Right and left.

 

You smiled.

Moving

back

and

forth

with your boney,muscular

hips.

 

I told you I loved you

because I was young

and had a boner

that hadn’t gone away

in about a week.

you were the first

halfway decent

chick

to walk into homeroom

that morning.

I hadn’t slept all night,

 your eyes were tired

and your hair fell

just right.

 

I told you I loved you

because I didn’t know you

I thought you would forget.

I thought you would just ignore me

in the halls the next day.

 

But now I am in sitting in a room

with people

I don’t know.

girls are crying.

you are crying.

 

And I wish I never told you

that I loved you. 

Hitting too Close to Home.


After my survival of Hurricane Sandy, I’ve become very humbled by the amount of people helping out and coming together to make a difference. As all of you know, sandy slammed the Jersey shore  with high winds and rain taking many homes and vacation spots along with it . The water came up to the block before mine and I’m thanking god everyday it did not continue beyond that point. With this storm, it has destroyed places that I’ve grown up at. That I visited,were I had many memories at. After seeing some of the pictures of Seaside Park and Keansburge it breaks my heart to know that it will never be the same.

A few days after Sandy hit, my job opened back up for service. I work in a retail store so many people were filing  in buying donations and essientals for their homes. Since at that time many counties in the state were without power, the essentials included flashlights,candles and batteries. But as our computer system began to fail on us, my manager decided to make everything fifty percent off. My store manager is pretty awesome to begin with, but after that, there were many happy customers praising him on his generosity.But as the news spread like fire, more people came in buying things that had nothing to do with the storm or donations. They were buying Christmas gifts and really expensive items. As I kept my mouth shut and my head down, this customers came up to my counter and handed me a few shirts to scan. She asked me about the sale, assuming she was Christmas shopping, I told I couldn’t give her an extra 15% off if I didn’t see the coupon. I looked up and saw her makeup was smeared acrossed her face like she had been crying. I told her to not worry about it and I gave it to her anyway. She told me that lost everything in the storm and the clothes she was wearing was the only a few things she had left. She told me what street she lived on which was only five minuets from my house, which was also one of my old friends street.

Today on my way to school, I thought I’d take a ride and see what her street looked like. As I crawled down the street everyone’s belongings was spewed out onto the lawns. It brought me to tears because I’ve walked down that street years ago, I’ve been in those houses and now they are destroyed.

I really am flabbergasted by what has happened in New Jersey. I just got my power back on last night and I’ve been so busy that I haven’t even been able to write on here. Now since I have a little time, I will be back on more. We are now expecting a new storm tomorrow. It doesn’t have a name, but it still looks dangerous and we may lose power again, and if we do, then goodbye for now.

heres some pictures of what sandy has done to my state :

If you can, please donate to the red cross,  you can go to there website. Many people tonight are still without power and we are expecting snow storm tomorrow so please pray for us in New Jersey!

We are Jersey Strong, we will rebuild.

sarah.

In Remembrance of the People I’ve Loved on my Journey.


Who knew old friends could come back into your life when you thought  you  had no one. It’s funny how you meet new friends, just when the friends you have are starting to get old and your old friends come  back when your new friends are too much. I have gotten the opportunity thanks to Facebook, to stay in touch with the friends I had growing up. Some of them I see more than others. Some I hardly talk to at all, but if I were in trouble or needed a friend I know they would be there, in a split second.

When I was in Pre K, I only had one friend. Her name was Kim Mcglynn. She was this little blonde girl with freckles and I liked her a lot. A lot of my memories as a little kid in school were with Kim. We were best friends. I used to go over her house,and she used to come over mine. She was my first friend in school. When we were in 4th grade, she left and I never saw her again. During that time, we weren’t as close as we were when we were little, but I didn’t think I’d ever  not see her again. Because of the world of Facebook, we have rekindled our friendship to a degree. Without seeing each other in over 13 years, people change. She is having a baby, has a fiance, and lives in Arizona. Her siblings are all grown up and it feels like yesterday that they were infants. It’s funny how time flies.

Secondly there’s Brandon. I have known Brandon since we were in the 1st grade. We weren’t exactly friends but he acknowledged my existence and I acknowledged his. We didn’t start to become friends till High School, but I remembered him coming into school with weird Halloween costumes on and him giving me my first Hobby. Now he is like my brother.He has always had a special place in my heart and still does today.

Then there’s Brit. I have known Brittany Martin since I was in 3rd grade. Brittany Martin was the first friend that I truly remember our friendship to the tee. I remember things we did together, I remember her family. She was the first friend that I felt like I was home when I went to her house. I remember we used to go to her house after school and play outside in her backyard with little sister Gabey. She was quite, but she was fun. They were heavily into sailor moon and they introduced me to the world called Cartoon Network. At that time, I was a Pokemon, and Barbie chick. After hanging out with Brittany, I became familiar to the world other than Barbie. Her family became my family, and after she moved away, I was heartbroken. The day I walked into Bed Bath and Beyond about a year ago, I knew when it was her. She was grown up but she still had the same face. It was so nice to see her. Once I became employed at Bed Bath and Beyond for a grueling 6 months, Brittany and I became closer. Now we have the same friendship now that we did back than. I enjoy Brittany’s company, and I hope she enjoys mine.

I had one friend during elementary school that when I met her, I knew she was going to be my best friend. She will always be my best friend no matter how near or far she is and that’s Sabrina. Sabrina and I met because she acussed me of spitting in her face while I was screaming at this other girl because she was being a bitch. Even today she swear that I spit in her face purposely, but I know for a fact I didn’t. After our confrontation at the principles office, which I might add was the first time I was ever really in BIG trouble in elementary school, we became friends. We were so close that for a while she was living at my house. Because I am an only child and young, I got jealous. Now looking back I regret being jealous because that was being immature of me and I should have kept my mouth shut and enjoyed her company and companionship when I had the chance. Like sisters do, we got into many fights. Weather it was taking off our clothes in the middle of the street, to hitting each other with Math books. We always made up in the end. But there was this one fight that ended everything. I don’t remember why we were fighting, but I wish it didn’t end the way it did. I saw her a few years later, she looked wonderful and she forgave me and we were friends again, but I knew it was never going to be the same. I still talk to her from time to time. When I need her I know she is always going to be there. I know she still never judge me. She will always be my sister, and I still love her no matter what.

After Sabrina and I stopped being friends, I didn’t have any tight-knit friends in between. There were some, but once I got to High School, I found out who were real friends and who were just a short amount of time.

Right before High School, I met one of my real close friends Mel. Mel and I were friends for four years. We were really close for a really long time so when we stopped being friends for unknown reasons, it killed me internally and externally. Mel was my other half. We went everywhere together. Now I can’t even look at her. Entered the world of High School with our arms linked. we went on trips together, had countless sleepovers together and spend every waking moment together. She was the comfort I needed to get through the awkward stages of Freshman year. She was there. I appreciated her being there. When she stopped being my friend my junior year, I literally felt like I was being beat up everyday. I didn’t know how to function without her around. In due time. my friends  like Liz and Nicole and Brandon were there to pick me up when I fell.

Liz was the first person in High School that I met that didn’t go to my Middle School. She was in my Art Class and she sat alone and she was really quiet. I sat with kids I knew from Middle School and I was the quiet one out of the group. When I realized Liz was also in my lunch class and that I sat at the same table as her, I started to talk to her and get to know her. During our Art Class we had many laughs. It wasn’t until my end of sophomore year till Liz and I got closer. She was the quiet and reserved and I was the loud crazy one, once you got to know me. Liz has seen me at my absolute worse. She is the first person I call when I am down. She is the first person I call when I need someone. She’s known me for what feels like forever. She helped me through the worst times of my life, picking me and making me laugh and making me feel welcomed. I appreciate Liz in my life. I love Liz because I know no matter how old I am, we will be friends. I can call her at one thirty in the morning, and talk and she’ll listen. She can tell me about her anime stuff and her college friends and I will laugh even though sometimes I have no idea what she is saying because she talks so fast. She has the best interest in me. She knows how I think , she knows what I am going to say, She knows I am a creeper and still loves me anyway. I call her mom my jewish mother and her brothers hate me just as much as they (sometimes) don’t like Liz . She knows whenever she gets home from College, I will be anxiously waiting for her arrival. She knows that no matter what she will always have a friend in me, and I will always have a friend in her.

In College, I have met people who have changed my life and I’ve only met them just recently. My new friends are the foundation of what my new life is going to be like.

But out of all the friends I have met at Brookdale, my friend Andrew and I have this relationship that is a very strange one. We only hang out once a week. Some of the times I cannot stand him, vise versa but strangely I felt like I have known the guy my whole life. He has made me laugh harder than I think anyone has before. He has an opinion on everything and he is the king of  debate. When you talk to him, it’s not a normal conversation. It’s always a debate. He has taught me to actually have an opinion on things and not to always be just neutral, even though that’s what his feelings are all the time. I think he has feelings/emotions but I believe he hides them deep into his soul. I think that’s why we compliment each other out because I talk with my heart, and he talks with his head. He is a cool friend with many quirks about him, and I enjoy getting to know this strange man who likes to cuddle. Any man who cuddles and likes it, is a friend of mine.

In the last couple of days, I have been looking at my old friends and my new friends differently. In the end, they all at one time cared about me. I have left my fingerprint on their heart. From old to new, I have changed people’s lives just by my presence. I think that is pretty damn fucking amazing.

Happy Easter/Passover to all my friends young and old, old to new, known or unknown. Know I was thinking of you on this fine night, and know I appreciate you all being part of my life and making me be the person I am today.

xo Sarah

Just Think on It


Today has been very fun and weird at the same time.

I’ve been doing alot of thinking, which I think isn’t a good thing.About 3/4 of the day was me thinking. In the last year, I have changed so much. I  am no longer friends with people I was friends with. I have overcome  obstacles I thought I’d never make it through, and I have learn more in the last year then I have ever in my life.

I feel like everyone is telling me stuff to do and I can’t think for myself. I know I can do better, I know I shouldn’t be so focused on my writing, I know I need to stop being a doormat, I understand. As much as people tell me, it sinks in. And everytime someone says that, it hurts more and more.Because, I know. I know I can do so much better in my love life,  I know I  can become the writer/editor I want to be.I know I need to stop giving in to him. I say this to myself everyday… I don’t need people telling me.

I wish people understood where I was coming from. If I am in love with a man, I can be.Yes, he has taken advantage of me, and used me…. I am well aware. But for all the married people,picture someone bullying you into divorcing your husband/wife because someone says you can do better. I am not saying I feel like we are married… no. But I feel like we have gone through so much that I can’t be like “oh I am sorry… someone is telling me I can do better than you so bye.”

Throughout my life, I have had a difficult time keeping friends. They always said I was clingy or they just stopped liking me. Everytime I lost a friend it crushed me. Maybe because I am an only child, I don’t know, but with guys it is the same way. I think losing friends is a more painful expereince.So with him, it will be difficult  because he is my best friend.When all that shit happened with my best friend Alyssa, I couldn’t  lose both. I know emotionally, I couldn’t do it. Some people don’t understand how I am. They don’t understand that I’ve been hurt so many times that I know what my heart can handle. I know that I cannot lose 2 best friends at the same time. I’ve done it before and it killed me.I don’t want to go through it again.

I am getting tired of defending myself. But I dont want to give in. I don’t want to show people I will give in. I want to be happy. I am the happiest when I am with him, and I feel the worest when I leave him. I miss him everyday, and I am well aware he couldn’t give two shits about me. If he did he wouldn’t have done what he did. I appreciate everyone looking out for me, but I don’t need anyone looking out for me. I have bad luck with friends, the majority of the people I was best friends with, were assholes or just scum.

I feel like I am letting everyone down, especially my mom. Her opinion means the most to me and I am not listening to her. When I talk to her, I feel like everything that I’m feeling is normal. Today someone told me I disappointed them… I hate hearing that. I feel like once I disappoint one.. I’ve disappointed them all. Once you disappoint someone, its worse than having someone be mad at you. When they are mad, they will get over it, but once they are disappointed, there is no turning back.

I was called an idiot 3 times today. It made me start thinking… as happy as I am.. maybe I am an idiot. It breaks my heart either way… I’m stuck in the middle of my own problem.

I’m sorry I’m ranting. I need to sleep.

Night.

Sarah

Cross Roads and Broken Hearts


Today I was at a four-way stop in my neighborhood. That four-way stop was where I had my first accident with my car. It was 2 days after I got my license. I was driving for 3months without a license and I never got into an accident, I guess at the time I had the freedom and I felt invincible. I was with my best friend at the time.  We were listening to Good Charlotte, we were really into them that summer. Before meeting her, I never really listened to Good Charlotte. I knew a couple of songs because they were on MTV but other than that, I didn’t know them very well. When I rolled up to the four-way stop, I turned down my music and listened. The car on the other end of the street was listening to good charlotte. I looked and there was my best friend, now in her car, listening to music that we listened and sang along with together.

It’s funny how things change over time. If someone told me a year ago today that I wasn’t going to be friends with her I would have laughed in their face. Through all the shit we both had gone through, we were there for each other. Through all the heart breaks and shit she was there to pick me up saying “you know you can do so much better”. I smiled as I wiped the tears off my face every time because I knew I would always have someone telling me I had the potential to get better in my life. I didn’t know that better in life  would mean losing her.

As I waved her to go before me because I am still a little wary about that four way stop, she looked at me. I saw it in her face that she was surprised to see me. I wasn’t surprised to see her. Our town is small, so I knew eventually we were going to be driving on the same road at the same time. She let me go before her, because she knew I hated how much I hated waiting. I remember the time I let all the cars go one day because I was afraid. She laughed and said that all other people probably thought I was lost. I wasn’t lost I was just afraid.

Now that she’s no longer in my life, I am not afraid or lost. I have come to terms with the fact I no longer have a best friend.I frankly don’t need one. I am happy and content with my independence. I don’t regret any of the good times. I don’t miss the good times either. They were fun,like sitting on her back porch early in the morning before school and having a cup of coffee and listening to the silence of the graveyard.They were wonderful times. But I must say, I miss one thing. I miss the talks her and I had. I felt like I could tell her everything and she would understand me.

Each person you meet helps you through things in your life. When they can no longer help you, they will leave.Every friendship is like that. There is no such thing as a life long friend. After her, I don’t believe in a best friend. With each friend you have, you trust them differently. Ones can come back into your life, but some cause so much pain that you can’t seen to imagine them ever being part of your life again.

As heart wrenching it is, I don’t need her in my life. she wasn’t there when I needed her the most in my life. If you are someones “best friend” aren’t you suppose to be the one who’s always there, no matter what?

She was great time, don’t get me wrong. But as Eric Church in his song “Those I’ve Loved” :

“She was my best friend and it broke my heart,but I don’t regret the day that she became

One of those I’ve loved along the way”

Good bye, Thanks for Good times. Thanks for teaching me, never to trust a liar.

Sarah xo

I’m Burning Out.


I don’t know why I can’t seem to write anymore. My ideas are all muddled and I can’t focus anymore. I used to be able to be inspired when someone else was reading, now I have so much on my mind that my brain is never relaxed. When I hang out with my friends, its even worse. Right now,no one seems to understand where I am coming from. They look at me funny when I walk under a pier and get all excited because I found an inspiring place to write or to get ideas from.

It’s really frustrating when you have writer friends but you are not hanging out with them. My writer friends know exactly why am I  thinking so hugely . I am so self-absorbed that the other friends who are not writers  don’t understand why I am acting like this. I wish my other friends could just get in my brain for one day so they can see what I am seeing. Everything is a potential story. Every person you meet is another potential character. Every song you listen to is a potential motivational song. Does anyone else think this way?

As much as I want to be an editor and critque things for a living, I need to learn how to critque my own work. It’s so difficult because you know what you want it to sound like and changing it is like taking out the inner voice and putting a motified version instead.I miss my best friend just because she was a good editor. She didn’t care about writing but if I asked her, she would sit down for hours and go through my work and break down each sentence. It was amazing. The best thing I ever wrote was edited by her. She was good for something.

I miss the people who are no longer in my life sometimes. My mom always says when I lose friends it  means they aren’t good enough for my future. Most of the time she accurate,but the transition periods are hard. I don’t mind not having a best friend. But  nights like these when I am so burnt  out that a good dose of a girl talk and youtube videos would be something I need,and she isn’t here.

As much as I miss her,she hurt me more then I ever thought she could. I knew months prior to the ending of our friendship that things were getting rocky, but ending it on such a terrible note was something I didn’t want to do once again. I thought since I was getting older and in college, losing friends wasn’t going to be as painful. Guess I was mistaken.

I wasn’t as sad as I thought I was going to be. I was more disappointed. I think I surprised her more by walking away. I don’t think she would ever think I would. I loved her family like they were my own. I would hang out with her mom more then her. I had a key to her house,I was part of the family. In some aspects I miss her and her family and the happiest they both brought me in my life. But in some aspects, I am so happy I got out when I did. I could have gotten into scary situations if I didn’t watch my back.

Miss the great times more so then the bad. I miss the talks at our smoking spots the most. Our conversations were so deep and meaningful that I felt like she was someone who got into my mind and understood what I was saying,no matter how constant I tripped over my words.As much as she didn’t like  some of my decisions,she respected that I was happy. If it meant falling in love with a 30 yr old man, so be it. She let me rant and rave about his stupidity and exciting moments of my life with him. I think she was happy seeing me so happy.

But when she did the inevitable, I was more shocked then words could say. As much she liked seeing me happy,she hated him (or so I thought). She hated how slimy he was. How disrespectful he sometimes was and how just annoying he could sometimes be. Most of the time, I ignored it. It didn’t bother me. But it bothered her.I thought it was weird that she was adimate about not seeing him. I shook it off because I was too busy with my life to even bother.

I miss her. As much as I deny it, I do. She was a great friend in the beginning, but realizing that my entire friendship could have been lies hurts. If she could lie to her mother really well, I don’t why I didn’t think she could of  lied to me  just as good.

I hate liers. The truth always sets you free. I don’t lie anymore. If you have to lie about what your doing, then you shouldn’t be doing it all.

Thanks for the 2 followers I got today, It really made my day

Night,

Sarah