Well I haven’t been on this in a really long time and so much as happened. I am writing from the glorious Fairleigh Dickinson University laundry room where I am having a beer ( THAT I PURCHASED!!) listening to Andrew’s 90’s getting laid playlist on his Pandora. I haven’t been home in almost two weeks, and I really hate it. I am so sad but this is the decision I chose. I know it was the right decision but being here makes me think too much which makes me question what I am doing . Yeah, you can imagine how much that sucks. In my lonely times I watch Awkward ( which is an amazing MTV show that I feel like is controlling my life) and while I watch people who don’t really want to get to know me walk back to their rooms,I question if I belong here.My time at Brookdale was amazing. I ran that school more than I thought I did and I wonder if I should run FDU as well or if I should sit in the passenger seat here as well. My relationship with Paul is okay, things have changed a lot but its something that is going work or its not and I am not going to be the one who makes that decision, that’s fates job.
I wonder if fate can just control my life because people keep telling me that everything is happening for a reason but I wonder if I should jump at every opportunity or just focus on my studies instead of worrying about making friends and making a representation of myself. On the other hand with having no friends besides Andrew here, I am so lonely. I know how it feels to have a great support system, a pretty large group of people who backed me up and supported me in everything I do, and Andrew was one of them. I am so happy he is here but at times I need my space and I need other friends and that’s something and that no one wants to be around here, my friend.My aunt told me I need to meet 1 friend a week and I just am too tired to do that. I don’t want to make an effort because I put 115% percent in Brookdale and I HATE starting over. I’ve been here for almost a month and I’ve only made 2 friends. I don’t have a social problem, these people don’t like outsiders and I am definitely an outsider…. actually, I am a random.
So I found out the other day that I am going to be getting my associates in the spring and I am excited yet terrified at the same time. in 1 year I’ll be on my own. It’s extremely overwhelming. I am going to be leaving my friends, family and everything I’ve ever known and probably not coming back. Every time I think or talk about it I start crying. When I was in High School, I didn’t go to a four year school because I didn’t think I was ready to leave home. I was not the adult I am now 2 years ago. I was still a kid and I never could have imagined being self sufficient at 18 years old. Even though I’m only 19, 18 to 19 is a really big step, it was for me especially. Now that I am almost 20 years old ( ew that sounds ancient) I think even though I may not be psychically ready to leave home, I know mentally I can do it.
As an only child I got many perks. I never had to share a room. My room is and has been my own room for my entire life. It’s going to be very weird living with someone I just met. You have to trust them not to steal your stuff while you’re in class. That would be the one thing that would scare me. I think I would have to get a safe because after living in the neighborhood I have been living in my whole life, you trust no one and no one trusts you. I don’t know how that whole roomie thing is going to work out.
Also, not having a car I know for me is going to be a huge problem. I don’t know how these college do it without a car. I heard that some people can’t bring cars if they are first years. I don’t know because I am a transfer student that I would be considered a first year. I will go into anxiety mode, I know so. If I didn’t have a way to go home even if it meant days worth of driving, at least I would have the oppurtunity and the ability to if I really needed.
I am just worried about this moving away from home thing. I have a tight group of friends, I have a guy, my home, my family, my heart is here. It’s really scary leaving. I am the only one out of my family that even considered leaving. My uncle left when he was my age, but he came back. I don’t know if I am coming back. I know I am going somewhere I love but what if I get there and hate it? This is one of the biggest decisions of my life. I thought the last 2 years was difficult but now that I have to leave everything I know go somewhere that I don’t know.. It’s hell of alot more difficult.
I have to take one step at a time.. its just crazy and overwhelming.