Women like are rocks

Stuck to the ground

Until the storm comes and pushes me along

I stare in the mirror at a woman

I don’t know.

Furrowed brow line

I wait for calmness


I look out the window

The world is moving along

And I am sitting

Looking through my life, a planner

Always on point

On schedule.

It’s hard

Not telling secrets

To people who care

To walk around with an illness

That people would mock me if

they knew.

But I am not living

just existing

Following through

Not quitting

Never looking weak

But the current is coming

And I cannot hold on much longer.


Three Small Words

So my friend and I were talking yesterday about Love. As you can probably tell love is a huge topic in my life. I am really intrigued by love because it’s the most misinterpreted feeling ever. People may think they feel love, but in reality love  is bigger than those 3 little words and honestly it really can’t be described.

When I watch those romance comedies I think “wow,that man really said i love you to that chick. He’s really got some balls” because men and the words “I love you” don’t usually go together. I was reading a post about this on thoughtcatalog the other day and it was about what is the best ways to say I love you and in reality there really isn’t the best way. I remember when I told someone I loved them for the first time I held my breath because I was afraid of the reaction and I also in shock that it came out. I remember I said it over and over  in my head just so I wouldn’t mess up. So I wouldn’t have to repeat it. I don’t think I’ve ever been so vulnerable in my life when I said it. I unfortunately didn’t get an “I love you too” response but I wasn’t expecting it either. It was just something I had to say.

I think men are afraid of the words I love you because those words hold a world full of baggage. A commitment is enough baggage, and then you have to love them too? If you aren’t organized, than all your baggage will fall out of your hands and your relationship will fall apart too.

To me, you don’t have to say I love you to love someone. If you show them respect and you enjoy being around them than that’s love. I wrote another post about what exactly love is and it’s all about emotion.You don’t need to hold the door or buy me gifts. That isn’t love.

I think people don’t use “I love you” seriously. Kids/teenagers are throwing those words around like it’s a normal thing to say. I wouldn’t say “i love you” to someone if I didn’t mean it. If I am seriously telling you that I love you, I mean that I have given you my heart and you are mine and I will keep your best interest and I will be there for you, no matter what. When people say “I love you”, to me it’s like a promise. It’s a vow that you will always care about this person because this person has touched your heart in ways no one has before and  you are acknowledging and appreciating  them everyday.

I know people don’t say I love you anymore because now its lost a lot of meaning. It’s not the same as it used to be. I think it’s a shame that we have overrated love to the point where no one can say I love you. But I believe that you don’t have to hear someone tell you they love you, you just have to feel it.


Lights, Camera, Baby?

Lately I have been watching lots of reality tv and I honestly haven’t a clue why. I’ve been sick for the last few days so I was forced to stare at the TV  realizing why I never stare at the TV. Besides the exceptions of True Blood, Sex and the City and a few others, I am astonished of how much vomit is on television. I also realized why people watch these stupid reality shows too. Once you start watching one, you have to watch all of them. My first mistake was the Kardashians and than I  stumbled upon Teen Mom and it got me thinking, since when was getting knocked up glamorous?

I remember when I mom would tell me stories about her childhood. She would tell me that it was a worst possible thing to do back then was to get pregnant without being married. Now in this day, getting pregnant at a young age of 15 is the new trend. Girls are now getting TV shows. I find it appalling.I understand that most of these girls are usually rednecks and trashy but there are some of those girls who are pretty classy. They are all over the tabloids like they are celebrities. Since when does popping out a kid make you a  celebrity? If it was like that, than the entire world would be celebrities…

I don’t know when it became socially accepted to have a kid so young. I was talking to one of my cousins a few months ago and one of her friends friends had a kid at 16. 16! You are still a kid at 16! You are self centered and worried about your chipped finger nail polish and what you should wear to school, not a baby.  A 16 year  old don’t even have their own rights, what makes them have the authority  and responsibility  to raise a child?A 16 year old should not being having sex to begin with. 16 in my eyes is like a baby. I remember the guy I was with at 16. Never in a million years would I want him to the be father of my child. Absolutely not. You are just starting to form into your body at 16. From the ages from 12-16 you don’t know what you are doing with your body and now that kids are hitting puberty so early in their lives, they are more at risk of getting pregnant at a younger age. According to The Center for Disease Control says that one-third of girls get pregnant before the age of 20.I can’t say I never worried about it. I ‘ve wondered what I would do if I was ever put in a situation like that. I know I deffinatly wouldn’t want a reality show that’s for sure.

Now that I am 19, I have a pretty clear head on my shoulders. I know that making right choices should be the top priority. But in a situtation like that, what is the right choice? I think the girls on Teen Mom made a wrong choice by  putting their young children on national television. Do you know how much shit those kids are going to get when they get older and not on the air anymore. I mean I have no doubt that half of the shit on those shows are scripted but it will haunt you for sure, no matter how false it was. You put your kid infront of a camera and put your kid to work just because you couldn’t use a condom? I remember the first season of teen mom they told the viewers how to not get pregnant and that getting pregnant isn’t glamorous. But now, please… its all drama. I must say if you really look at it from an adult perspective, the happiest couple on that show is Caitlyn and Tyler and they gave up their baby up for adoption because they knew that they couldn’t provide a good home for their baby. Do you see Maci, Amber or Farrah happy? and they kept their child.

If you are going to get pregnant at a young age, you should have parents that are supportive. I know if I ever got pregnant and decided I wanted to keep it  I know that my mom would respect any decision I would make. never in a million years would my mother be like Farrah’s mother. She would help me the best she should. She wouldn’t judge and she would be there, just like she always has. When I was six years old my cousin Joe who was 20 years old had a child. I don’t think I’ve ever loved a human being like a love Juliana ( his daughter) she is 6 years younger than me and we had the tightest bond growing up. As a family, we came together and supported my cousin and his daughter and still do.

I saw Juliana today and she is now 13 growing up by the day. Its like time has flown by because she is so much older now.I wonder if my cousins look at me like that. They watched me grow up from when I was born. I’ve watched Juliana grow into a beautiful young teenager and I love her more and more each and everyday.

I think that anyone can a have baby if they have a good supportive family. Family is the core, and I think these realitly shows like Teen Mom or the Kardashians have ripped families apart. Look at Jon and Kate Plus 8.Even though Kate Goslin was a flaming bitch, the whole show ripped them apart. You don’t need to have a kid to be on tv or 8 in that matter.

People live life with 5 kids and going through life without a camera in their faces. My friend has 9 siblings and she isn’t on Tv. No matter how many kids you have, don’t expect a TV show. You are not going to get it.

Thank god I’m better, no more Teen Mom and Kardashians for me….


Love at the Golden Arches

I’ve never understood why

The middle finger was such an insult

And then I became a driver

I also don’t understand why you had to cut me off

From the left lane

And beeline to the nearest McDonalds.

Do you realize how fat you looked?

You should have seen your face

When you got out of your car

And threw your middle finger in my direction

You should only know

That your muffin top was peaking out

From under your belly shirt

That was stained with God knows what.

I continued to drive away through the green light

Like it’s another checkpoint

In the car racing game

Usually found in arcades.

I think of you, that grimy woman

Ordering a 20 piece chicken nugget

And a medium fry.

I wonder if you ate a salad you would be happier

You would able fit behind the steering wheel

Of your 1978 Lincoln towncar.

But looking at your crusty bent middle finger

Pointed in my direction

I see there is more than just your weight

That clouds your happiness

But I hope one day

You find happiness

Even  if it’s between two hamburger buns,

At least it’s somewhere

True story bro…. hope it made you giggle. 


Picture Perfect Dreams.

There are things we dream of

Like a big house and a family

2 boys

1 girl.

A white picket fence

And a golden retriever

That you will probably name buddy

But you see in reality

The fence with get dirty

The children will grow

And life will change.

There won’t be a need for a playground in the backyard

Or lemonade stands in the summer

You will start to worry about

Curfews and dates

And broken hearts

Children think that life is a picket fence

Waiting to be jumped over

But I say it’s more like barbed wire

You must get hurt

In order to escape

This world we live in is very cliche I’ve noticed.. but my  generation is trying to change that, and I am very happy :) 

Congrats to all the 2012 Middletown High School North Grads! You’re finally out of hell! 


The Holes in Our Pockets.

Today I heard a story from a guy I never thought had a story to tell. He was the surfer guy in my High school that I would always wave to every morning in the parking lot, before walking into the dreaded hell we called high school where we would learn how to sell drugs and not get caught and how to skillfully skip class so you could have a cigarette. But entering college and seeing some old faces in classes, I got to know them more. Facebook really shows you how annoying people are, but this guy was different. I didn’t like him if that was what you were thinking. Today he shared to my writing class about his life. He opened his heart to a class that barely knew him. I thought it was amazing. I have written work in my writing class that has helped me in the grieving process and move on in my life. I think this writing class happened at the right time in my life. I was going through terrible things and without this class; I don’t know how I would have been able to begin to cope.

Today I went to the doctor and it made me realized one thing, not everyone gives a shit about your health and how the rest of your life is. They strictly want you money and that is pretty it. It’s kind of sad. If I was a teacher or a doctor I would care about my students and my patients. I would treat them like human beings instead of a dollar sign. It bothered me some. I sat in the office where about twenty other women sat and we were all just dollar signs sitting in chairs. It frustrated me. I don’t want to be known as a dollar sign, I am a human being.

Everything now costs money, it is surprising how much things cost now a days. Gas prices are almost 4.00 a gallon, a pack of cigarettes are 8.00, a small coffee is almost 2.00. It’s crazy. Can’t the world be priceless for one day? Our necessities…. Well my necessities are expensive, I have to spend 20$ a day, that’s nuts. I could be giving it to people who actually need it, and not in the government’s pockets.

Why can’t the world realize we all have problems in our lives and give us a break and stop ripping us off? Everyone has a story, an excuse; can’t the world be easier for humans? But I will answer my question. If the world was easy, we wouldn’t learn anything and we would all be weak and brain dead.

I am sorry I didn’t post this yesterday, my internet kicked out. It was a depressing time for me. Thank god I have an iPhone.