Goodbye FDU… for now.

Well as the semester comes to a close, I giggled at the post under this one. Oh how far I’ve come from that. I’ve grown so much in the last few months that I’ve even surprised myself with my ability to be happy without the ones I love around. It’s crazy but I don’t really want to go home now. I love it here so much and I know I’ll come back but the fact that I made it, got through the first semester and did well is so accomplishing. I’ve made so many friends and contacts in the last couple months that now Andrew and I have made The FDU creative writing club and we together are rocking the world here. People look up to us, amazed by everything that we know. I don’t know why the  last few days I’ve been getting so emotional over leaving here because I know I’ll be back. There were times here that I was at my lowest but there were times I’ve  figured out that its okay to get sloppy and be yourself and  wear cheetah pajamas and open up to people you were so afraid  to open up with before. I can honestly say that all my good times and bad  start with the sentence “Andrew and I were…” and I think how different it would be if he wasn’t here. As an only child, this semester showed me what it was like to have a sibling, that person you see every day have the majority of meals with, and that you wake up to (sort of) . That person who you bicker with or tell that they are your best friend when you are drunk. I honestly don’t think I could have gotten through this semester without him and I am so grateful he is here.

As the semester comes to a close, well today. I can honestly say that I am so looking forward coming back  I already miss the sounds of the trains coming through campus all night and the planes that fly so low that I can see the small windows on the sides… and the birds, the birds that chirp at 4 in the god damn morning. Next semester  I already have a roommate (that I like! ) and I will be ruling this school just like I ruled brookdale, but better. I am already News Editor for the Newspaper, The president of a Creative Writing Club that didn’t exist when I got here and working right along side with the Head of the Creative Writing Department in a paid internship. As I start cleaning out my room I remember how cold this room felt when I first moved in and how poorly I felt about myself and my surroundings, and how I  felt like I was sleeping in someone else’s room. Now we no longer do homework in the laundry room and I don’t drink beer. We study in MY room and we drink honey wine and listen to Mozart.  I’m not a random anyone, I’m taking over the world.



Getting Back.


11:58 the clock

Ticking,moving with rhythm it beats with the strumming of keys

You force me to write but I am cautious,

Scared of what will come out

Of my fingertips


The darkness of  backspace

Regretting the thought the words

that accidently split onto the page

Like milk.

 I do not cry though because I’ve done this before

When I cried against fire and it singed me.


But Save is safe. I may go back and read

But its  solid.

Like a commitment that you hope will never go away.

But things change and I edit and change the meanings

Somehow its more of a gas now

And someday, somewhere

The meanings will float into your heart

And you will understand.



I’m doing a Grind this summer so I can write, a grind is that you write a poem everynight before a certain time to keep your creative juices flowing, at the end of every week I’ll make a post saying its the new week for the Grind and if anyone wants to join can do so. It’s a first draft only so everynight has to be a new poem. You can’t go back and edit. Once the summer is over I’m going to go back and edit but for the summer starting tonight I will be writing a poem everynight. I will be taking idea requests. So if you have a topic I should do my weekly grind on or even just for one day let me know. This time was Fear.

Please tell me what you all think.


Happy Writing!!



Childhood Fun.

I wanted to touch her.

I wanted to feel what her inner thigh felt like because mine

was smooth like the back of a silver dollar. How her legs shined

against her egg shell white shorts popping out of rich green

around her. I wanted to feel the gravel feet. Callused and raw they bled

after a long day playing. She’d say

“I can barely walk,I must of had too much fun” at the end

Of every summer day.We would all giggle and walk down

our own yellow brick roads once the streetlights came on.

I’d walk with her staring down at the loose stones

avoiding the awkwardness,

we were not friends. But I was going to love her

and care and be there until

she got to her street

even though mine

was 6 blocks away.

GoodBye Summer.

Since tonight is the night before the first day of school, I thought It would be appropriate to sum up this summer in this post.The only word that can really fit this summer was relaxing. In all the summers that I can remember, I’ve never had so many memories of just relaxing. I had alot of alone time this summer and all I can say it was much needed. I had time to think  things through instead of just doing things on a whim. I’ve actually got to think about events in my life. I feel like that life goes by so fast that sometimes you don’t have time to just step back and really look at your life, and thats what I did this summer. I realized that the last year has been crazy and this summer is what I needed to really cope and get back to being me. It really wasn’t a learning summer like all the others were. I was content. There wasn’t anything that really made waves. And I am pretty excited and looking forward to my crazy hectic life starting once again. Let’s hope this school year isn’t as emotional and hard as last year was..

Here are some pictures that pretty much sum up my summer…

and maybe a few laughs with cheekz too..

We had to fight off those bennies too…

But in the end,this summer was awesome and full of sand and laughs… thanks summer.Till next year.. Good Bye..


Proceed to Party.

I saw Toby Keith last night with my cousin and her friends. Like always, he puts on an amazing concert. He’s not even my favorite country star. I must say, there are so many Red Necks in New Jersey. The one thing I am really surprised that is how many people start fighting when they are drunk. It’s like you are going to get arrested, whats the point?

I’ve only gotten into a fight once in my life. But I was like 13 and i don’t know why I did it. It was an experience, and I surprisingly didn’t get my ass beat, GO ME!


Summer so Far.

As August has become pretty solid,I look back on the last three months with triumphs. I have accomplished more this summer than I have ever had during any other summer. Before the start of college, my summer consisted of sleeping,the pool and friends. Now, I have a job, I took summer classes, I actually have a schedule, my internet usage has been decreased astronomically and I’m actually do something with my time instead of sleep through it. 

This summer has gone by so slow but in a really good way. I really have looked at my life in a completely different light. I’ve realized that life is too short to be not doing something that you love. If it means not having alot of money in your pockets than so be it. I got through 3 months being unemployed and was perfectly fine. People should once and while step back and take a look around because they are missing out on picture perfect memories by being stressed.

This summer has also showed me that no matter how much you may not think so, you can be independent and seek out new people with no problem. When my friends from High School came back from college, I was excited to see some but most of them… not so much. It wasn’t like we were a tight knit group. I enjoyed my time with my high school friends but life goes on and people grow up and they aren’t the people you knew before college.My friend Alexis left to go to camps and as much as I miss her, there is sometimes that I enjoy just having my alone time. This summer was my alone time. I made sure I got things done with no distractions.Now that everyone is either coming back or leaving, I feel like my solitude time is over but it was well spent.

I’ve learned alot of lessons about love and friendship in this short summer. You may realize that even the strongest friendships have some cracks and the not so good friendships can be improved with much time and patience. People’s actions have taught me about people in ways I never knew before.

I watch my life flashing before my eyes and I wonder if I will remember this moment, this day. this week? I hope I do because I am learning about myself just by the actions and the goals around me. It is shaping me into the woman I will soon become.

Have a blessed Sunday



Walking Books.

So yesterday I met this guy while walking in Riverside park with my friends. He was an interesting character to say the very least. When I walked passed him he was scribbling in a notebook, I had a feeling he was writer. I love meeting other writers. It doesn’t matter what they write, but in some sense they have the same mind set as me. Not many people have a creative mind, so when you meet people that do, its like a gold mine.

I guess I whisper really loud and he asked me if I wanted to read his stuff. I walked back and started reading his stuff. It was pretty good, but it wasn’t my style of poetry. I don’t really like things that rhyme, but that’s just me. I don’t like writing poetry with form because I personally am NOT a person of form. My other friends who are also writers came over and started talking to the guy. It was really awesome just meeting someone off the street and talking to them like you know them. I found out he was 20 and a big druggie and a writer. Most writers and college students are druggies so I wasn’t surprised or judgmental. He was telling us that he just applied to Brookdale. ( Point in my book) I started telling him about the creative writing club and he seemed to be really interested. I hope we recruited him.

Lately I was trying to form another writing group but I don’t know how I’d really start. It would be mostly adults. I want to join a readers group because I NEED to start reading, I feel I’m becoming illiterate. I am really trying to read this book called “Jay’s Journal”. It’s the sequal to Go Ask Alice. I really enjoyed Go Ask Alice, I read it in a day. This book on the other hand, I am having a difficult time getting through it. I am also reading Charles Bukowski’s Prettiest Woman in Town and other short stories. Those stories are strange I am telling you. There was this one story I read how the girl ( ironically named Sarah) was a witch and shrunk all the men to be 6 inches tall and than had sex with them. It was very strange.. I really don’t know where Charles Bukowski came up with this. Than there was another one that the girl was a robot and all she did was have sex with people. I mean wonder why Charles Bukowski only wrote about sex. Maybe his sex life wasn’t as great as he says it was. I say this because as a writer, we are all story tellers and liars.

If you guys know any good books, write them in the comment box. I must read more this school year. 2 books this summer is  a disgrace.


Life’s a Beach.

Today I went to the beach with my dad so he could practice swimming. It was really relaxing because not alot of peope were there because it was almost 8 o’clock and the sun was going down. As I sat on the beach in my neon on green beach chair I recently claimed, I realized that at that moment i was the most relaxed I have been in a while. It was soothing, like the waves were taking my thoughts and throwing them into the ocean. As I was sitting there trying so hard not to get eaten alive by horse flys, I was trying to think of something, even a line for a poem that would describe that moment, and I came up with nothing. I couldn’t concentrate on my book I brought with me ( not a very good book, but I must finish) The waves were like a melody and I was almost thrilled that I forgot my earbuds at home. I’m glad I actually thought about taking pictures though. The beach is the best place to take pictures. Any hour of any day, the beach is always beautiful. I hope one day I can take pictures of more than just my neighborhood beach..

These pictures are Sandy Hooke beach. It’s about 10 minuets away from my house. It’s really historic and the beaches are really clean, but you have to pay an arm and a leg to get on so I don’t see a point in going. After 5 its free, hence why I was there…

I am not cheap or anything, I just don’t understand why I have to pay to go to nature… but anyway, it was an awesome night.


To Be a Kid Again.

For my summer job, I am a bus aid for a summer school in my town. I am on the bus with 12 pre schoolers. Boy have they made me stay young. Some are autistic but they try to talk to me. I feel so bad for them because I know they didn’t want to be born like this and they want to be like everyone else.

These children make me laugh alot. They think I am so cool because I am older, I think they are cool because they are younger because they have a whole life to live. I doubt they will ever remember me when they get older but right now they enjoy coming on the bus to tell me about what they are going to when they get home, or how they aren’t very excited to get to school. I wouldn’t be either if I had to go all summer to school. I try my very hardest to make the bus ride enjoyable and feel like quicker than it is.

So today as I was at work, I was talking to my little kids on my bus about what they wanted to be when they grew up. It was funny because they were giving me answers that I would never have said at that age. one little boy said “I want to be an olympic swimmer, with no swimmies.” They are four and five years old. Another girl told me she wanted to be a princess but one girl really shocked me, she told me she wanted to be a vet but only for lizards. I was surprised because she is a really girly girl. She told she has had a lizard in her house since she has been born. I thought that was really brave. I hate lizards. They scare me, and they are gross.

I remember when people asked me that question I would tell them I wanted to be a baby doctor. I would watch discovery health channel alot. It was weird, but even thinking about doing that makes me want to dry heave. I wouldn’t want anyone especially babies to be throwing up on me or crying in my face. ( God bless my pediatrician)

I really love talking to little kids because they are so honest. They will tell you they don’t  like or want to do something. They will compliment you and they mean it. They haven’t been corrupted by the social media and the world yet because their world consists of princesses and talking cars. Childrens thoughts are wonderful and beautiful.

When I was little, I remember that I always wanted to grow up. I always wanted to be older because my cousins were older and I wanted to be as cool as them. My cousin Joan especially. When I was little, I was always thought my cousin Joan was too cool for me. She is four years older than me I wanted to be just like her. I wanted to have friends like hers. But I knew that I was always going to be younger than her, now that we are older we have alot more in common and she invites me to go places with her and her friends. I finally belong and I’m not the “baby cousin” anymore.

Little kids have hopes and dreams that in their minds are unrealistic but in their brains, nothing is impossible. I wish adults thought the same. Children don’t have to worry about money and grades and drama and broken hearts. The only terrible thing they have to worry about is whether or not they have a good snack.

For a long time I told myself I didn’t want to have children. I thought they were going to ruin my life. It’s a risky thing because you never know what the father of that child will do. He could just leave you and try to take your child with him. But after being with these kids for the last few weeks. its making me second guessing my boycott against children. Having a kid ( not right now) would be fun, I think. I know my mom had fun. At times I was a pain in the ass but I know no matter what, she will love me and always will.

Enjoy the Day!


Finding Beauty at the Beach.

I took a walk to the beach today…I live 3 blocks away…

I was surprised to see people on the beach, usually no one goes there..

I went with my friend Shannon. I see her every couple of months. We were friends in Middle School.. it’s nice to catch up once in a while…

She never changes… but I have… but I can be obnoxious around her… She’s seen me through the “awkward years”. It’s funny when you figure out you live by such beauty.

Even in a white trash town… there is still beauty…

As much as I hate my neighborhood, I would miss this ^

Have a Good Night.