Hi everyone,

Well I haven’t been on this in a really long time and so much as happened. I am writing from the glorious Fairleigh Dickinson University laundry room where I am having a beer ( THAT I PURCHASED!!) listening to Andrew’s 90’s getting laid playlist on his Pandora. I haven’t been home in almost two weeks, and I really hate it. I am so sad but this is the decision I chose. I know it was the right decision but being here makes me think too much which makes me question what I  am doing . Yeah, you can imagine how much that sucks. In my lonely times I watch Awkward ( which is an amazing MTV show that I feel like is controlling my life) and while I watch people who don’t really want to get to know me walk back to their rooms,I question if I belong here.My time at Brookdale was amazing. I ran that school more than I thought I did and I wonder if I should run FDU as well or if I should sit in the passenger seat here as well. My relationship with Paul is okay, things have changed a lot but its something that is going work or its not and I am not going to be the one who makes that decision, that’s fates job.

I wonder if fate can just control my life because people keep telling me that everything is happening for a reason but I wonder if I should jump at every opportunity or just focus on my studies instead of worrying about making friends and making a representation of myself. On the other hand with having no friends besides Andrew here, I am so lonely. I know how it feels to have a great support system, a pretty large group of people who backed me up and supported me in everything I do, and Andrew was one of them. I am so happy he is here but at times I need my space and I need other friends and that’s something and that no one wants to be around here, my friend.My aunt told me I need to meet 1 friend a week and I just am too tired to do that. I don’t want to make an effort because I put 115% percent in Brookdale and I HATE starting over. I’ve been here for almost a month and I’ve only made 2 friends. I don’t have a social problem, these people don’t like outsiders and I am definitely an outsider…. actually, I am a random.


Starting Over.


I cry and you stand there

Like a pole lifeless you watch as I get transported back

to a place that had a locked door.

You watch as I rip the veil off my face

and become hollow.

Sunken in you see my bones

But I am too soggy like a wet rag to care.

Tug of war you watch as my mind and body

Pull my limbs like rope until I scream.Wide eyed

You tell me to go, that people are watching, people will think,

People will worry.

The headlights mark where I should be headed

 like a rock I do not budge. I sit watching whizzing

 cars fly down the street like fireflies and I wonder

If they would stop if I stood infront of them.

 what would you do? Watching streetlights hang

like falling stars you wish for another second,

another moment to  sit watch me sleep.



I look back on the days

When I craved clouds

Like chocolates. I related to rain as it dripped

like blood on the soulless earth.

I never felt the sun hug my face

the grass tickle my feet. I heard fingernails tapping on hardwood waiting

for answers I can no longer give.

Where has the time gone,

when the people holding hands made me


When sirens were harmonizing with my moans as I was pounded

into the sheets like meat.

Now I am sitting on clouds looking down at a skeleton

that wishes to be in a closet.

WordPress hasn’t been working for me for a couple days. So here’s my poem. I’ll have a poem for tomorrow too. Sorry!

Looking Back.

I want to fuck my editor.

I want him to plant his seedinto every word

fertilizing it with red ink and anger.

stroking the pen against paper delicately,

making me feel fizzy

But flat.

Ripping off my top and deleting it

so he can take a look at the similies and metaphors

sucking them till they pop. He’ll scan it

analyzing every muscle, every tense spot.

“work from the bottom and up each stanza”

I crouch down and look down at his tan bare feet

and think

Maybe we can make this ours

A little sexy Ars Poetica…

Wanted to thank  http://ericmvogt.wordpress.com for nominating me for my first award. It’s an amazing feeling to be recongized. I try to write poetry thats not all love poetry and when I do challenge myself and someone notices I really appreciate it. Thank you Eric!!

Ars Poetica

So as Sandy approaches our home, I am bracing myself with my wine glass and my charged computer. It’s funny how the news can scare the shit out of you to the point of where people will leave their home and pets behind. I am sticking this storm at home unlike what we did with Irene. I think this storm is much more scarier then Hurricane Irene but I am surprisingly much more calm than the last one. I heard we will be without power for about a week, I really hope that doesn’t happened.

Here is some picture of what I’m seeing on facebook/from the surrounding areas:


^ The Pier right down the street from my house, pier is gone… let the flooding begin!


For everyone else living in the Jersey Shore Area, and all my family and friends, please be careful.


Bracing Hurricane Sandy.

For the first time ever, I am really not looking forward to Halloween. As my age progresses I’ve noticed that Halloween is not as exciting as it used to be. I remember getting so excited to look into peoples houses while I trick or treated ( even back then I was a baby creep) I wanted to see how they decorated their house compared to mine. Some peoples houses were disgusting and I always remembered what they gave me and I threw it out. I was a bratty trick or treater. I remember I would bitch to my friends when the old people would give us dollars.. now I would be like ” A twenty would be nice, thanks..” but back then, money was just an object. 

I also noticed that Halloween for my age  now is national “dress up like a hooker day” and I find it really horrendous. #1 I don’t want to see your sexual role playing costumes..at all.. especially in public and #2 why would you want to wear lingerie in public? Isn’t that kind of cold? For me, Halloween is sitting at home eating chinese food and watching scary movies. I leave the boring bowl of pretzels nobody likes outside, and just hang out at home. The costumes are always the same. In my neighborhood, they have probably recycled the same costume for their whole childhood.But you know, I don’t judge. 

This year I wasn’t really in the Halloween spirit. I went to the zombie walk ( for hunger) and enjoyed myself. But other than that, I did nothing “halloweeny”. I am more excited about Thanksgiving. It’s the ultimate cheat day. The funny thing is, I cannot stand Thanksgiving Turkey. The sight of it makes me nausus,but I still can’t wait.

I did however, miss pumpkin painting this year.. but I’m over it. I don’t have time to do my homework.. when would I have time to paint a pumpkin? 




Boycotting Halloween.

So Today I got to see my cousin Juliana. It was also the first time I saw my family in  a month. It was like a ground moving moment. We were just hanging out talking about Honey Boo Boo child and  about life in general. I couldn’t imagine my family  not being really close. I couldn’t imagine not speaking to my family at all. My dad doesn’t talk to his side that much and I don’t really understand it honestly. I hadn’t seen my family in a month and I felt off. Now we got to talk and spend time together, I feel like I am whole again. Like I can go on with my days level headed. Lately my life has been really busy. I am trying to squeeze everyone in as well as I can. If it means not going to the gym ( Which I am so upset about) than so be it. I am trying to  juggle work,school,friends and the gym with two hands and sometimes, its alot harder than I ever imagined. But today it was different, I actually got to hang out with my family and no one was wanting me or pulling me away from what I wanted to do. I was actually relaxed and going with flow. I managed to fit family, the gym and work all in 1 day and I’m not even that tired… yet. 

Seeing Juliana is a big deal for our family because we only get to see her once a month. We make it a party everytime she comes. This time it was a Halloween party. We could dress up if we wanted but  I didn’t because I had to go to work. It was so fun seeing her and spending time with her and watching her grow up. It’s funny to think she will be in high school next year. I remember when she was born. It’s crazy and I feel ancient. 

She dressed up like a giraffe. She loves giraffes, it was so cute. My cousin was the progressive woman and her boyfriend was Gieko lizard. Everytime my family and I spend anytime together its a party, and I love that. 

I wish I could have spent more time with them but Kohls and money and responsibility and reality were calling, and I had to answer.


Here are a few pictures from the day, it was such a wonderful day. Also, Candy Corn Oreos…. Try them NOW!!







Family Balances Lives.

So tonight I babysat my cousin’s kids while my other cousin Christina got married. Since we are second cousins,I wasn’t invited to the wedding but it was okay. Instead, I babysat and made money which wasn’t really as bad as I thought it was going to be. While I was sitting there however, I was thinking about children and imagining these kids as my own ( I couldn’t) and realizing I do not have the patience to have kids of my own. It wasn’t that these kids were bad. They were actually really awesome, it was just that I personally couldn’t do it every single day of my life. So I made a list of reasons why I will never have children. If I ever got pregnant accidently ( don’t worry family, I am a proud user of birth control) I would have to do what I had to do, but I give the 16 yr old moms credit. That would NEVER be me. 

1. If you want a drink/ food get it yourself: I have babysat for other kids that weren’t my family and I HATED that I had to do EVERYTHING for the kids. First of all, if you’re 10 you know how to pour a glass of milk. I DO NOT need to do it for you. Second of all, I have no idea where your shit is in your house. You are not a guest, get it yourself. If I was babysitting someone younger I would understand, but if your old enough to play an xbox by yourself, you can pour a glass of milk like a champ. I also have this on my list is because I know its a pain in the ass to cook someone else food instead of yourself. My mom sometimes makes me breakfast before I have to go to school and sometimes she won’t even get to eat herself. When I was little, my mom would make me breakfast and I wouldn’t eat it because I hated eating in the morning. Like, you just wasted your time, and you feel like an asshole for wasting time in the first place. 

2.After the First 2000 times watching a movie, I think it should be burned : I watched this little kid once and all he wanted to watch was Cars. He would fall asleep to the Cars movie. he had cars everything. Everytime I babysat him it was Cars,Cars,Cars. How many time can you watch the same movie without it getting boring and repetitive. Tonight I watched every single episode of a TV animated series I thought my eyes were going to bleed. When my cousin was little was it was a toss up between a few movies so they wouldn’t get stale atleast. But the same movie every single day or for hours at a time… its eye ripping material.

3.This is a no whining zone: I know when I was little I was the queen of the whining zone. I would always whine when I didn’t get my way ( Yes, I was one of those kids) but as I am getting older, whining is the most annoying sound in the whole wide world. While I was working the other night, these two kids were whining to their mom because she wasn’t going to buy their stuff because they were being bad. Be happy you have a mother who can buy you things, some kids don’t that at all. Some kids don’t even know their actual parents. Kids should be happy they were brought into the world.. They should lucky they were even brought into this world and stop bitching.Your nasely annoying voice isn’t going to change anyone’s decision. 

4.  My Career is more Important: Even though I can babysit kids, I know I can go home to a quiet house with no kids and no distractions. I don’t know how I would be able to be a writer and have kids. Actually, I wouldn’t be a writer because it would be too much work.Having a kid to me ruins careers. I need calmness and quiet in my life. I’ve grown up without younger brothers and sisters, so having two kids running around is not something I am interested in participating in.

5.I will not Spend my Money on Useless Toys: I’ve come to realize that Toys R Us is a store for assholes who want to spend there money irresponsibly. Who in their right mind would take their child to a toy store so they can spend an astronomical amount of money on toys they will grow out of? That will cause dust, clutter. Toys that will end up in attack 10 yrs later? I have better things to spend my money on. 

6. I’m too Selfish: Even though I give things to people, I am very selfish. I like my time. I like my routine, my schedule. I like to able to go to the gym whenever I want. To be able to go out till late hours of the night, to able to spend my days at school or hanging out with friends. When you have a child, your life stops. You now have worry about getting a babysitter or asking your mother who has already worked 12 yrs to watch the baby. It’s just a pain the ass. I don’t want to have to worry about paying for DayCare and a babysitter whenever I was to go somewhere. I can take of just me, and not anyone else. 

7. I won’t be a good mother: For all mothers I assume, while you’re pregnant, you are afraid if you will be a good mom and before the first 18 years, you don’t figure that out.My mother did a fantastic job with me. I think I am  a pretty good person with good morals. I am like both my parents, but I think my mother gave me the foundation on being a really great person because my mom is a good person herself. I don’t think I would be a good mom because I would not let them do anything I did. I wouldn’t want them to go through all the shit I have gone through. If it was painful for me, I wouldn’t want my child to go through that too. I would be like my mom in a way that I would give my children space, but also I would be a little more sheltered because I would be afraid of the world. If the world sucks now, then in 10 yrs its going to suck even more and I won’t know what to do. 


In 10 yrs things may change. Maybe by 29 I will be ready to have a baby but at 19 or anytime in the next 5 yrs is out of the question entirely. I just started to be able to really take care of myself. I couldn’t imagine taking care of someone else too.. It looks impossible in my eyes. You should still be a kid you’re teens and 20’s, not be having baby’s at 16-17. You are still a baby yourself. 


I will not babysitting for a while, but tonight was pretty inspiring.


Why I am Never Having Children.