Alone in the Spotless Sky

Blood shot eyes look up at a spotless sky

Crickets quiet themselves enough to listen

Open there ears to hear the low moan of her

The outcry of help,regret.

But nothing would help her

Nothing ever could

The light in her soul has burned

And no love can find her in this

Spotless world.

20 years of waiting for someone to rock her


And only the breeze

Can keep her warm.


Saw of my writer friends yesterday, they always get me inspired. I feel like I need to practice, I’m losing my touch.



Mama’s Son.

She stands there

Leaning in the doorway of your bathroom


Thinking of the next thing to say

But she looks at you


You look up at her


Because that’s all you know.


Tears rolled down her cheeks

Because she doesn’t know


She would do without you.

You giggle

Splashing the toy

Under the warm water.


She picks you up

Your shaking body against hers

Wet hair falling

 on her shoulder

Pulling warm clothes

Over wet skin

You cry

Pulling socks over

Your small feet


She kisses you

You hug her

Because you don’t know what

you would do

Without her.

So tonight I babysat my cousin’s kids while my other cousin Christina got married. Since we are second cousins,I wasn’t invited to the wedding but it was okay. Instead, I babysat and made money which wasn’t really as bad as I thought it was going to be. While I was sitting there however, I was thinking about children and imagining these kids as my own ( I couldn’t) and realizing I do not have the patience to have kids of my own. It wasn’t that these kids were bad. They were actually really awesome, it was just that I personally couldn’t do it every single day of my life. So I made a list of reasons why I will never have children. If I ever got pregnant accidently ( don’t worry family, I am a proud user of birth control) I would have to do what I had to do, but I give the 16 yr old moms credit. That would NEVER be me. 

1. If you want a drink/ food get it yourself: I have babysat for other kids that weren’t my family and I HATED that I had to do EVERYTHING for the kids. First of all, if you’re 10 you know how to pour a glass of milk. I DO NOT need to do it for you. Second of all, I have no idea where your shit is in your house. You are not a guest, get it yourself. If I was babysitting someone younger I would understand, but if your old enough to play an xbox by yourself, you can pour a glass of milk like a champ. I also have this on my list is because I know its a pain in the ass to cook someone else food instead of yourself. My mom sometimes makes me breakfast before I have to go to school and sometimes she won’t even get to eat herself. When I was little, my mom would make me breakfast and I wouldn’t eat it because I hated eating in the morning. Like, you just wasted your time, and you feel like an asshole for wasting time in the first place. 

2.After the First 2000 times watching a movie, I think it should be burned : I watched this little kid once and all he wanted to watch was Cars. He would fall asleep to the Cars movie. he had cars everything. Everytime I babysat him it was Cars,Cars,Cars. How many time can you watch the same movie without it getting boring and repetitive. Tonight I watched every single episode of a TV animated series I thought my eyes were going to bleed. When my cousin was little was it was a toss up between a few movies so they wouldn’t get stale atleast. But the same movie every single day or for hours at a time… its eye ripping material.

3.This is a no whining zone: I know when I was little I was the queen of the whining zone. I would always whine when I didn’t get my way ( Yes, I was one of those kids) but as I am getting older, whining is the most annoying sound in the whole wide world. While I was working the other night, these two kids were whining to their mom because she wasn’t going to buy their stuff because they were being bad. Be happy you have a mother who can buy you things, some kids don’t that at all. Some kids don’t even know their actual parents. Kids should be happy they were brought into the world.. They should lucky they were even brought into this world and stop bitching.Your nasely annoying voice isn’t going to change anyone’s decision. 

4.  My Career is more Important: Even though I can babysit kids, I know I can go home to a quiet house with no kids and no distractions. I don’t know how I would be able to be a writer and have kids. Actually, I wouldn’t be a writer because it would be too much work.Having a kid to me ruins careers. I need calmness and quiet in my life. I’ve grown up without younger brothers and sisters, so having two kids running around is not something I am interested in participating in.

5.I will not Spend my Money on Useless Toys: I’ve come to realize that Toys R Us is a store for assholes who want to spend there money irresponsibly. Who in their right mind would take their child to a toy store so they can spend an astronomical amount of money on toys they will grow out of? That will cause dust, clutter. Toys that will end up in attack 10 yrs later? I have better things to spend my money on. 

6. I’m too Selfish: Even though I give things to people, I am very selfish. I like my time. I like my routine, my schedule. I like to able to go to the gym whenever I want. To be able to go out till late hours of the night, to able to spend my days at school or hanging out with friends. When you have a child, your life stops. You now have worry about getting a babysitter or asking your mother who has already worked 12 yrs to watch the baby. It’s just a pain the ass. I don’t want to have to worry about paying for DayCare and a babysitter whenever I was to go somewhere. I can take of just me, and not anyone else. 

7. I won’t be a good mother: For all mothers I assume, while you’re pregnant, you are afraid if you will be a good mom and before the first 18 years, you don’t figure that out.My mother did a fantastic job with me. I think I am  a pretty good person with good morals. I am like both my parents, but I think my mother gave me the foundation on being a really great person because my mom is a good person herself. I don’t think I would be a good mom because I would not let them do anything I did. I wouldn’t want them to go through all the shit I have gone through. If it was painful for me, I wouldn’t want my child to go through that too. I would be like my mom in a way that I would give my children space, but also I would be a little more sheltered because I would be afraid of the world. If the world sucks now, then in 10 yrs its going to suck even more and I won’t know what to do. 


In 10 yrs things may change. Maybe by 29 I will be ready to have a baby but at 19 or anytime in the next 5 yrs is out of the question entirely. I just started to be able to really take care of myself. I couldn’t imagine taking care of someone else too.. It looks impossible in my eyes. You should still be a kid you’re teens and 20’s, not be having baby’s at 16-17. You are still a baby yourself. 


I will not babysitting for a while, but tonight was pretty inspiring.


Why I am Never Having Children.

Generations of Women.

So Today is Grandparents Day and I’ve been thinking about my Grandma all day. My grandma died when I was 3 years old, but it feels like yesterday. As I am getting older, my memories of her are fading but I will never forget her. Even in her passing, she has helped me in ways noone can. She has paid for my college education. She has watched over me my whole life, and protecting me every step of the way.I was the last grandchild she had but I wasn’t loved any less. I just wish I had more time with her. She was an amazing woman. She was an amazing mother and she has formed my mom into  a pretty awesome mom.

I was thinking about how some people treat their moms lately. My one friend doesn’t like his mom, but for good reasons. It was a messy divorce and she wasn’t too understanding that the kids were going to get involved too. My other friends mom talks down to her son because he is trying make a life for himself without help, and she doesn’t get that. I think some people shouldn’t be parents.

Some of my friends think its weird of how close I am with my mom. They always ask “why do you tell her everything?” I tell them because she has been my best friend my whole life. She was always the one constant friend I had. She will never stop being my friend either. Some parents don’t know how to balance being a friend  and being a parent at the same time. I think my mom does a pretty good job at that. I had one friend that was friends with her mom before she was the daughter, and in the end, she was surprised because her “friend” was now reprimanding her. My mom and I are really close but I know she always keeps her best interest in me. Now that I am older, there isn’t much reprimanding because she trusts me to know what I am doing. But when I was little, I understood that she had to do it because she loved me. I’d rather have a mom like mine who I can tell things to than a mom that I can’t tell anything to because sometimes being on your own in alot scarier than it looks.

After my observations of other people’s mothers and mine, I know when I have children I am not going to shelter them, it makes them run when they can. My friends mom shelters my friend, still. My friend is 19. You can’t shelter an adult. You can’t tell them they can’t leave the house. When I go out, I tell her I am going, I don’t ask. I only ask if I sleep over someones house still. I think its just a habit. I just don’t want her to worry. My mom and I have an understanding that I need to either check in or atleast let her know whats going on while I am out. I know some kids who won’t call their parents all night, or they’ll ignore their call. Really? How do you know if that’s the last phone call you’ll get from them? I know I sometimes miss my moms calls, but I make sure I call her right back.

People should appreciate their moms today along with their grandparents. If it wasn’t for your grandparents, your parents wouldn’t be the way they are.

Thanks Grandma.


To Be a Kid Again.

For my summer job, I am a bus aid for a summer school in my town. I am on the bus with 12 pre schoolers. Boy have they made me stay young. Some are autistic but they try to talk to me. I feel so bad for them because I know they didn’t want to be born like this and they want to be like everyone else.

These children make me laugh alot. They think I am so cool because I am older, I think they are cool because they are younger because they have a whole life to live. I doubt they will ever remember me when they get older but right now they enjoy coming on the bus to tell me about what they are going to when they get home, or how they aren’t very excited to get to school. I wouldn’t be either if I had to go all summer to school. I try my very hardest to make the bus ride enjoyable and feel like quicker than it is.

So today as I was at work, I was talking to my little kids on my bus about what they wanted to be when they grew up. It was funny because they were giving me answers that I would never have said at that age. one little boy said “I want to be an olympic swimmer, with no swimmies.” They are four and five years old. Another girl told me she wanted to be a princess but one girl really shocked me, she told me she wanted to be a vet but only for lizards. I was surprised because she is a really girly girl. She told she has had a lizard in her house since she has been born. I thought that was really brave. I hate lizards. They scare me, and they are gross.

I remember when people asked me that question I would tell them I wanted to be a baby doctor. I would watch discovery health channel alot. It was weird, but even thinking about doing that makes me want to dry heave. I wouldn’t want anyone especially babies to be throwing up on me or crying in my face. ( God bless my pediatrician)

I really love talking to little kids because they are so honest. They will tell you they don’t  like or want to do something. They will compliment you and they mean it. They haven’t been corrupted by the social media and the world yet because their world consists of princesses and talking cars. Childrens thoughts are wonderful and beautiful.

When I was little, I remember that I always wanted to grow up. I always wanted to be older because my cousins were older and I wanted to be as cool as them. My cousin Joan especially. When I was little, I was always thought my cousin Joan was too cool for me. She is four years older than me I wanted to be just like her. I wanted to have friends like hers. But I knew that I was always going to be younger than her, now that we are older we have alot more in common and she invites me to go places with her and her friends. I finally belong and I’m not the “baby cousin” anymore.

Little kids have hopes and dreams that in their minds are unrealistic but in their brains, nothing is impossible. I wish adults thought the same. Children don’t have to worry about money and grades and drama and broken hearts. The only terrible thing they have to worry about is whether or not they have a good snack.

For a long time I told myself I didn’t want to have children. I thought they were going to ruin my life. It’s a risky thing because you never know what the father of that child will do. He could just leave you and try to take your child with him. But after being with these kids for the last few weeks. its making me second guessing my boycott against children. Having a kid ( not right now) would be fun, I think. I know my mom had fun. At times I was a pain in the ass but I know no matter what, she will love me and always will.

Enjoy the Day!


A Mothers Love.


A mother’s love is unconditional

But at times I tend to disagree.

Reprimanding them because

That’s not what you wanted them to do

Like they’re fucking robots or dogs.

You carried them for nine months

All because of a twenty  minuet fling.

You take it out on your child

Because you aren’t getting laid every week

Like you used to.

Now she’s four and you haven’t had a good night sleep in 3

And you sip black coffee like an adult.

You bring her to dance classes and soccer games

In a minivan you bought

A year after she was born.

You have stickers on your windows

And sing along CD’s instead of Aerosmith

In your radio.

Radio Disney is the first station programmed instead of z100

And you haven’t had a drink in four years.

But you love her.

You love her because when they put her in your arms you cried

Because you were tired and thought she was beautiful.

She will always be beautiful

Because she is yours.

And her love for you

Will be unconditional.