Preparing for Change.

I always wondered what it would be like to just one day, pack up all your things and leave and not even turn around to say goodbye.Last night Paul and I were talking about the coming months and for the first time ever in my life I was scared. I wasn’t scared because more time is passing and I am getting older, I was scared because in 6 months I will be leaving home for the first time to live on my own. Granted, I’ll be living in a dorm with a complete stranger but to me, It will be as close to being alone as I’ve ever gotten. I’ve been away from home before, like on vacation but I always came back to something familiar after a week of being gone but being away at school is not just a week, its months at a time.

I won’t be very far though, only 45mins away, but it is different. not being able to come home grab my clothes and go down the street to Paul’s will be strange. Not seeing my mom everyday or atleast being able to pop in at Acmoore or wherever she may be will be difficult.

Ive never been afraid of change. When I was younger I’d change my hair constantly. I never cried when they chopped It off because I’d know it would grow back in a few months and I’d be back in the salon getting it chopped off again. But In the last few years I was afraid of what fate will give me. What god thinks I can handle.I don’t want to miss out on a thing but I also want to be my own person and see what I want to see with the people I want to be with . I know these next few months will be preparing months and months after will be hard but if life was easy, no one would be pushing themselves to be better and I know I want to be better then I am today.

Looking Back.

I look back on the days

When I craved clouds

Like chocolates. I related to rain as it dripped

like blood on the soulless earth.

I never felt the sun hug my face

the grass tickle my feet. I heard fingernails tapping on hardwood waiting

for answers I can no longer give.

Where has the time gone,

when the people holding hands made me

vomit.

When sirens were harmonizing with my moans as I was pounded

into the sheets like meat.

Now I am sitting on clouds looking down at a skeleton

that wishes to be in a closet.

WordPress hasn’t been working for me for a couple days. So here’s my poem. I’ll have a poem for tomorrow too. Sorry!

17 Years and Still Mourning

Remember the 6^th of June

And all the things we put you through.

 17 years vanished from this earth we crawl

 like cockroaches awaiting this destiny we call purgatory

 but we are not scared.

 

Remember the 6^th of June because on that day

God created an angel that sits in her rocking chair watching

as her family remembers the empty seat.

17 years and never replaced by a warm body

of someone that couldn’t compare.

 

Remember the 6^th of June

and  the smell of red roses, pale skin,

oil paints. Remember the smell of shore washing over the faces

of her grandchildren like waves. Moisture from her memories seeping

into our mourning minds.

We await one day to see her

 to open our hearts and hold her

Just like we had 17 years ago.

 

Grind #3

Today is my Grandma’s Birthday. She died 17 years ago. It feels like a lifetime, but I know she’s always around.

Happy Birthday Grandma. I love you and miss you very much.

 

Sarah.

My Thoughts in the Library.

While sitting in the Library today, I’ve been observing some people around me. I wouldn’t call it stalking, I would call it observing. There is a difference in the writing world you know.. All you can hear in the library is the tapping of fingers to keys; imagination flowing through the air like the wind. It’s kind of incredible if you just sit in the library and pretend to work, what you can learn.

 while sitting here I’ve realized a few things. The most stressful things about college isn’t even the work, its more the atmosphere. If I was home right now, the feeling of doing my homework would be on the lower end of the list of priorities than it would be if I stayed at the library all day long. While at the library, I try to keep my mind in order. I have to follow my life schedule to a tee or else nothing is going to get done. Sitting in the library is not relaxing  at all. It’s like they are timing you.. the librarians I mean. It’s like they are looking over your shoulder towering over you telling you that you must work until your fingers fall off your hands. I am not speed typing, but the clock is spinning here… I am wasting my time here; doing work that needs to get done in order for me to move on with my life.

I’ve also realized that the computers at the library is a crucial part of the library.. for the students at the computer, its like they are in their own little cubical.. I asked someone for a pen, nothing; no response.. It’s like they are so involved in their computer so much  that they are in a completely different dimension. It’s fascinating. Then there are the people like myself who need to go on Facebook, Twitter and every single social networking site in the world before they actually get shit done. You need to check in with the world before you can shut it out.. I completely understand that.

Then there is this girl in front of me that is having a tantrum on her math book, flipping through the pages intently, trying to find the right page. Then scribbling something down in a notebook; then looking back to her computer, then scribbling more down. That I call Panic student. I have been that before.. for finals or when you have to get an entire research paper done in 1 day or a few hours.

Peoples studying techniques are all very different and interesting.. some don’t even study at all and get wonderful grades. Thats always amazed me. How in the hell can you remember everything in the world ontop of remembering everything else about your life. At times I cant remember simple math because I have so much other shit going on in my brain.

I’m leaving the library, to go to the gym.. and that’s a whole different group of people to observe.

sarah.

Fire in the Sky.

Three barking dogs I hear

out my bedroom window on this morning

dew covers the cars and street lights

like an early morning shower

woman wear dresses and men wear suits

as they prepare to spend their morning with the lord

and thank him for their life.

I sit at my desk and discover

that fire can come out of my hands

that words can form together

and become ground moving masterpieces

that I only I can manifest

the sun begins its day

as the explosion of reds and yellows

create a volcanic effect

in the dark ominous black sky.

I smile

the fire of my fingertips

are making fireworks

in this early morning sky.

 

This is what you get when you randomly wake up at 5 am.

Sarah.

 

Only with Time.

I wish you the best

but on the inside

I hope you cry yourself to sleep

clutching onto tear soaken pillows

wishing things were better

wishing we were better.

Time

everything takes time.

I look out the window

and think how you can move on with life

without me in it.

how those memories could just fade

into the blue cloudless skys

that shine down on you.

how my smile or  laugh

doesn’t come flashing through your brain

whenever you hear our song.

but in this short time

you have blocked me out of your world

a place where in the first place

I didn’t belong.

but with time

your smile and your laugh

will fade out of my head

whenever I hear our song

and you will fade out of my heart

along with it.

I’ve come to a realization, and with time I will feel better about my decision but hating a person isn’t going to change anything, so whats the point.

sarah.