I always wondered what it would be like to just one day, pack up all your things and leave and not even turn around to say goodbye.Last night Paul and I were talking about the coming months and for the first time ever in my life I was scared. I wasn’t scared because more time is passing and I am getting older, I was scared because in 6 months I will be leaving home for the first time to live on my own. Granted, I’ll be living in a dorm with a complete stranger but to me, It will be as close to being alone as I’ve ever gotten. I’ve been away from home before, like on vacation but I always came back to something familiar after a week of being gone but being away at school is not just a week, its months at a time.
I won’t be very far though, only 45mins away, but it is different. not being able to come home grab my clothes and go down the street to Paul’s will be strange. Not seeing my mom everyday or atleast being able to pop in at Acmoore or wherever she may be will be difficult.
Ive never been afraid of change. When I was younger I’d change my hair constantly. I never cried when they chopped It off because I’d know it would grow back in a few months and I’d be back in the salon getting it chopped off again. But In the last few years I was afraid of what fate will give me. What god thinks I can handle.I don’t want to miss out on a thing but I also want to be my own person and see what I want to see with the people I want to be with . I know these next few months will be preparing months and months after will be hard but if life was easy, no one would be pushing themselves to be better and I know I want to be better then I am today.
While sitting in the Library today, I’ve been observing some people around me. I wouldn’t call it stalking, I would call it observing. There is a difference in the writing world you know.. All you can hear in the library is the tapping of fingers to keys; imagination flowing through the air like the wind. It’s kind of incredible if you just sit in the library and pretend to work, what you can learn.
while sitting here I’ve realized a few things. The most stressful things about college isn’t even the work, its more the atmosphere. If I was home right now, the feeling of doing my homework would be on the lower end of the list of priorities than it would be if I stayed at the library all day long. While at the library, I try to keep my mind in order. I have to follow my life schedule to a tee or else nothing is going to get done. Sitting in the library is not relaxing at all. It’s like they are timing you.. the librarians I mean. It’s like they are looking over your shoulder towering over you telling you that you must work until your fingers fall off your hands. I am not speed typing, but the clock is spinning here… I am wasting my time here; doing work that needs to get done in order for me to move on with my life.
I’ve also realized that the computers at the library is a crucial part of the library.. for the students at the computer, its like they are in their own little cubical.. I asked someone for a pen, nothing; no response.. It’s like they are so involved in their computer so much that they are in a completely different dimension. It’s fascinating. Then there are the people like myself who need to go on Facebook, Twitter and every single social networking site in the world before they actually get shit done. You need to check in with the world before you can shut it out.. I completely understand that.
Then there is this girl in front of me that is having a tantrum on her math book, flipping through the pages intently, trying to find the right page. Then scribbling something down in a notebook; then looking back to her computer, then scribbling more down. That I call Panic student. I have been that before.. for finals or when you have to get an entire research paper done in 1 day or a few hours.
Peoples studying techniques are all very different and interesting.. some don’t even study at all and get wonderful grades. Thats always amazed me. How in the hell can you remember everything in the world ontop of remembering everything else about your life. At times I cant remember simple math because I have so much other shit going on in my brain.
I’m leaving the library, to go to the gym.. and that’s a whole different group of people to observe.