I Didn’t Know Better.

I watched as the glass double doors swung open as many couples walked in holding hands and with smiling faces. They were greeted by a pretty blonde with big boobs. I specified the boobs because I honestly didn’t look up at her face; but I don’t think any man who is straight ever would. I watched her glide across the floor, her boobs jumping a little with each step she took. She was hott, but she wasn’t Grace. I watched a group of short stocky women with skimpy dressed approach the bar asking for Malibu Baybrezze’s thinking they were cool for getting something fancy. Grace liked Jack. She didn’t mess around. I looked down at my watch, questioning her tardiness. She was never late; I was always the late one. She would bitch at me for being irresponsible. I would tell her that if she was going to be dating an artist she would have to expect it. She didn’t like that answer.

“Another martini sir?” The waitress asked after the crowd simmered down. I nodded as I looked up at the big TV’s that was showing some ridiculous football game. I was never into football, or any sport in that matter; but Grace was. Grace would sit in front of that screaming box and yell at the players like they could hear her. I sipped my glass of red wine and watched her. Her smile was big and bright as her eyes were arrow and determined as she watched the players run across the field.

“Here’s your martini. Are you still waiting for someone?” The waitress asked, placing the glass gently on the hardwood table. I nodded. “Okay, no problem; Just wave me over when they get here.”

As the candle flickered on the table, I was starting to get worried. Maybe she got into an accident. Maybe she got stuck at the office. She would have called if she got stuck at work. I looked down at my phone, nothing; not even a text. A half hour late, something wasn’t right. I sipped my martini as I watched the snow blanket the cold roads. Bad news traveled fast, if something happened, someone would have called me. I looked down at my phone again, still, nothing. Maybe she forgot, maybe she had been so busy at work that she just went home. I called her, as I heard it begin ring, my  pounding heartbeat overpowered the quite ringing on the other end. After thirty five seconds I heard the automated voicemail talk back to me. I shut the phone before leaving a message. Maybe she hit traffic and she couldn’t hear the phone over the radio. She always blasted the radio; it was as if every time she drove anywhere she wanted be a moving concert as she sang along loudly along with the radio.

“Do you want to start with an appetizer while you’re waiting?” The waitress asked, walking over to my table. Her curly brown hair fell in her face as she talked. Her eyes shined from the low dim from the lights. She was beautiful, but she wasn’t Grace. Grace had sunset red hair that flowed to just the middle of her back. Her almond eyes were a deep brown with a hint of gold around the outside of her pupil. I would tell her that her heart was trying to peak out of her eyes, that’s why they were tints of gold. She would blush and look down at the floor.

“Sure, I guess I’ll start with a shrimp cocktail.” I said looking down at the closed menu.

“Okay, it should be out in a minute.”

“Okay thanks.” Looking down at the phone again, a picture of us looked back me. Grace’s smile was big as I held her gently around her shoulder. Her eyes were squinty and all her teeth were showing; I was kissing her cheek. Her skin was tan and her hair was light from  the summer sun at was now so far away. We were so happy, it was perfect. Life then was perfect. Now I was sitting in a restaurant drinking alone waiting her. I should had picked her up, and not sat here looking like an asshole; a pathetic asshole.

” Shrimp Cocktail?” The waitress chirped placing the small glass on the table. Little shrimp tails hung over the side of the glass as a little cup of red cocktail sauce was placed in the center of it.

“Do you want to wait to order your dinner sir?” She asked, pulling her small black pad out of her apron.

“Yes, please. Do you mind?” I asked grabbing my martini that was half full.

” No, not at all; take your time”. She said flashing a fake smile as she walked away. She was losing money, and I was losing hope.

some more fiction… this piece isnt finished, atleast i dont think so. 



GoodBye Summer.

Since tonight is the night before the first day of school, I thought It would be appropriate to sum up this summer in this post.The only word that can really fit this summer was relaxing. In all the summers that I can remember, I’ve never had so many memories of just relaxing. I had alot of alone time this summer and all I can say it was much needed. I had time to think  things through instead of just doing things on a whim. I’ve actually got to think about events in my life. I feel like that life goes by so fast that sometimes you don’t have time to just step back and really look at your life, and thats what I did this summer. I realized that the last year has been crazy and this summer is what I needed to really cope and get back to being me. It really wasn’t a learning summer like all the others were. I was content. There wasn’t anything that really made waves. And I am pretty excited and looking forward to my crazy hectic life starting once again. Let’s hope this school year isn’t as emotional and hard as last year was..

Here are some pictures that pretty much sum up my summer…

and maybe a few laughs with cheekz too..

We had to fight off those bennies too…

But in the end,this summer was awesome and full of sand and laughs… thanks summer.Till next year.. Good Bye..


When the TV Talks To You

So today I was watching Sex in the City and I am strangely fascinated by this show. Not because the Beautiful Sarah Jessica Parker is in it (I’ve always had a hidden lesbian crush on her) it’s that the show is about the hearts of 4 woman. They go through ups and downs with men of all shapes and sizes but they will always have each other and I find that pretty incredible.

               The other reason I like Sarah Jessica Parker’s role as Carrie Bradshaw in this TV series is because her profession of having a blog. Her blog is pretty much about life with men and the hardships of woman and of life. When I started writing this blog I didn’t know that my life was going to be broadcasted to the world, I didn’t think anyone would read it. Now I have 80 followers and 100’s of likes and its all because of Sex in the City ( well at least some). Carrie Bradshaw’s blog  has been my inspiration in creating and doing my own blog. I feel like I can connect with this character because she sees life in the same way I do. Her life may be completely different than mine, but she has the same process as I do. At the end of the day I sit down and really analysis my life. Sometimes I am not as successful and there are many sleepless nights of me just thinking  but I try just to think about the lessons I’ve learned each day, just like the ending of every Sex in the City episode.

               It’s funny how TV shows can really change your life. I’m not gunna lie and say that True Blood is consuming my life and sometimes I am convinced there has to be vampires in the world. Yes I know that is a little strange, but besides that the character Sookie Stackhouse has showed me that the way I feel is normal. When you love someone, it’s like you are strangely connected to you and they know when they need you the most. They can sense that you are in danger, just like Bill does whenever Sookie is in trouble. I know movies and shows are supposed the make you feel entertained but in some shows and movies I sometimes feel like I connect with these characters in ways that no one can. Its like they are talking to me. It’s like when you’re at a sermon at church and you feel like the priest in talking to just you. That’s what its like, and whoever writes these lines, as a writer myself I am proud.


Never Have I Ever.

Have you ever felt like

you knew every crevice

every inch of a person

but in reality

you didn’t know them at all?

Have you laid quietly in your empty bed

and stayed very still

so maybe you can feel them

just like you always have?

Have you wished upon something so hard

that you can’t imagine it not coming true

but in the end

you’re falling right back to the bottom of the mountain?

Have you loved someone so much

that when you think of them

your heart feels like its about explode in your throat?

Did  you ever jump around in your room

and feel like your thirteen

just because he texted you “Sup”

and you think he really cares?

Have you ever watched someone change

and you don’t like what you see?

Have you ever been scared?

Scared of what will

instead of what was.

Have you closed your eyes

and saw him behind them

because thats the only thing that will put you to sleep at night

Have you ever found the one and didn’t get a chance

because you were scared

worried about what if instead of what was

Because What if?

I hate change.I hate change. I hate change. 


Stamp it with a Heart.

Have any of you written a letter to a girlfriend or boyfriend and left it somewhere they could find it? Trust me, I’ve done it a ton of times. I would put little notes ( most likely on the back of school papers) on my friend Scott’s car all the time. They were stupid little notes  that would say “Hey I miss you, text me” or “just trying to be creepy, hope it made you smile” When I was younger than I am now, I did this all the time. In middle school I would slip notes under the table so when the boys I liked at the time got to class, they would find it. Sometimes they  never got the notes,but 85% of time, they did. I always thought I was cute for doing this. I thought that they thought I was quirky for doing it . But really 90% of the time, they never read those notes, they just threw it in the trash.

I was talking to my friend John last night on the phone. My friend John puts me back on track when I second guess  situations in my life. He tells me I have nothing to worry about and he is the only one I believe. He is a guy who has been through enough shit that in reality, he should be much older than he really is. John gets me because he can see two sides to every situation and he isn’t biased about anything. He is neutral and he only cares about what makes me really happy. You don’t find many guys like that anymore.

I am watching the first season of True Blood right now and I was watching one episodes today and Sookie Stackhouse ( the telepath)was showing us flash blacks of her old dates she had been on before meeting Vampire Bill . Many of the guys were  using her for her body or her boobs or anything physical l and personally, I didn’t get that. We all know men do this, but what I don’t understand is that why? Why can’t some guys see beyond the cup size?

I know some guys are gentlemen but believe me, there are a select few I know who clearly aren’t. This other guy I know is   such a mans man that all he discusses are his custom car shop he wants to own every time we hang out, Like he doesn’t ask me what I want to be, he doesn’t care because its not about him. I guess I must sound stupid and contradictive because I know I talk about writing more than I talk about other things. I never thought it was a problem because  writing is a multi gender “sport” if you wanted to call it that and I don’t talk constantly about it.

Today I was cleaning some papers at Scottie’s  and I found a note I wrote to scottie a year ago.I was so immature. I was so little. It is embarrassing because at that time I thought drawing   smiley faces  and hearts all over the note was fine . Even if it was stupid and a pointless letter, it was really cute that he kept it.

I’m trying not to fall asleep… I wish we all had the same time zones…


Something I Can’t Change.

I am not a people person

I am not deep,clever

or witty in any sense.

I don’t play with words

just so men will be confused by what I say,

by what I mean.

I listen to country music because I feel the heart

in every word they sing.

I am attracted to men who can protect me

because I am afraid I can’t take care of myself.

I am stuck on a guy who will always care

because he knows I won’t be going anywhere.

I write meaningless poetry because its illegal to kill people

and socially unaccepted to have intercourse in public.

I cry because I have scars that are starting to heal

and some that are still raw and growing infected

that just need to be cleaned.

I hold secrets deep within my soul

and regret and grief  haunt me.

I am envious of pretty girls

because I know I will never be as perfect as them

I am not pale with a curvy figure

and light eyes.

I hide behind laughs and smiles

because I know being depressed gets you nowhere

and I’ve already gone through that phase.

I am worried alot more than I portray

I am afraid of men in the white coats

I am afraid of what they will say.

I don’t want to feel the cold stethoscope

against my breast.

I don’t want to hear how I need to lose weight

by a man I barely know.

I know I am fat

you don’t have to tell me twice.

I may look patient

but in about 2.5 seconds

I could change my mood

because my heart and head play tug of war

and  I don’t know what to think.

I think about  how the world is

and how the times have changed since I was little.

when I didn’t worry about gynecologists

and children and STDS.

I wish upon stars

I pray to people who love me

just like  I always have.

I get a stomach ache when I am nervous.

I studder and get light headed

when I’m mad.

I get excited when I see people I love

My heart is too big for me

and at times I don’t know how to use it

but that’s me.

and that’s something I can’t change

especially not for you.

A Mothers Love.


A mother’s love is unconditional

But at times I tend to disagree.

Reprimanding them because

That’s not what you wanted them to do

Like they’re fucking robots or dogs.

You carried them for nine months

All because of a twenty  minuet fling.

You take it out on your child

Because you aren’t getting laid every week

Like you used to.

Now she’s four and you haven’t had a good night sleep in 3

And you sip black coffee like an adult.

You bring her to dance classes and soccer games

In a minivan you bought

A year after she was born.

You have stickers on your windows

And sing along CD’s instead of Aerosmith

In your radio.

Radio Disney is the first station programmed instead of z100

And you haven’t had a drink in four years.

But you love her.

You love her because when they put her in your arms you cried

Because you were tired and thought she was beautiful.

She will always be beautiful

Because she is yours.

And her love for you

Will be unconditional.


Nebraska Jones.

This is the girl in the popular  song “Somebody that I used to Know”. I really love that song.. and I really am starting to like Kimbra ( this artist). This is probably one of the most straight forward songs I think I have ever heard. Theres no fluff in the lyrics, shes just saying ” I wanna have a baby with you”. Plain and Simple. I think I like straight forward songs because I am just a simple person. The things I say don’t have double meanings or anything. They are straight forward, and you aren’t going to get anywhere in life if you aren’t. People aren’t going to waste their time and try and guess what you are saying.. people these days are lazy.
Hope you enjoyed this song.. I really like her alot.


The Wall of Ego.

I’ve  heard every love song

Read every love poem

And still haven’t grasp the fact that

None of this is ever a reality

The true reality is

Men watch sports and pornography

And that’s pretty much it.

I’ve never met a guy who

Talked about girls with his friends

Maybe I’m meeting the wrong guys

Or maybe the only guys that don’t appreciate their women

Are the immature assholes

I somehow gravitate to.

I don’t understand the attraction

Maybe it’s the love for the WWE

Or how they have bobblehead dolls in their china closet

Because they had nowhere else to put them

Or how they eat ramen

Instead of learning how to cook an actual meal.

Maybe it’s the fact I can be the teacher

Help them grow into a better human

Show them that being an asshole

Will not take them anywhere in life

Or maybe its that I’m just a sucker

For dimples and Mohawks

If only the assholes could see

That being nice

Will get you more girls

But I know

Because of their ego

They’ll never learn

and that’s a damn shame.



After listening to hours and hours of Leanne Rimes, I’ve realized that no guys are like the guys in these songs… 

I’m in one of those “I hate men because they exist” moods.