Thinking with Your Heart.

This morning was not the best of  mornings for me. First off, I got like no sleep. When I woke up, I was given a cup of the best coffee I’ve ever tasted from 7/11.( You know they love you when they can make your coffee well…) after that, I had to drive Scott to work because he got into a car accident yesterday  and so now he’s car less. I didn’t mind.It was kinda nice. While driving home, I started thinking about this really weird relationship that we have. I surprise myself in the things I do. I mean I couldn’t imagine myself even thinking about talking to someone for a year and a half, let a alone be with them. I also surprise myself with how forgiving I am. I think I am too nice for my own good. I almost wish I was meaner because than people wouldn’t screw me over.

Where is the line when forgiveness turns into just being a doormat? In all my life, I’ve never figured it out. It may depend on the person, but I am so sick of figuring it out when its too late.  I  have given Scott a million chances and I question when it’s time to just kick the bucket and move on. Not every relationship is rainbows and flowers all the time. People fight, people are disloyal, its natural. I just don’t know when the time will come when I will  figure out that I don’t need him in my life.But I know its not now. I read this thing on Facebook today, actually this picturee.


and it really defined what I am trying to say.  I forgive him for all the ridiculously stupid things he does or has done  because I can’t imagine him not being apart of my life. It’s weird because I can’t remember anything before him. I remember right before him when I was not making the right choices, but before that, I couldn’t tell you. It’s weird how a person can make such an impact on your life  so much that you can’t remember  what was before them. I was talking to Cheekz about that last night and she was saying that people cross paths when you least expect it. For her age, Cheekz is pretty wise. I don’t really think logically, I think with more of my heart and it fucks me over in the end every time. I guess that’s why Cheekz never gets hurt, she thinks with her head.

I wish I could just trust people. I may not be the most trustworthy, but I wish people were just honest. In this world we live in, no one can keep a promise or be a honest. I guess we just  have to live with it.



Kind Eyes.

I may not miss you today

I may not miss you tomorrow

but in a lifetime

I know I will.

It may not be tomorrow

It may not be today

but in a lifetime

I will long for you

your sweet smile

and mysterious eyes.

Eyes that hold so many secrets

so many lies.

It may not be today

It may not be tomorrow

but someday

I will find out what you hide

Behind those kind eyes.

Today my mom and I talked about her past relationships and how my relationships with guys are almost the same as hers were. It’s nice that she can finally understand me.  I am so happy I can finally talk to her about everything without feeling like I have something to hide.She can feel what my heart is feeling because she has already felt it. She has gone through what I am going through and didn’t care about how anything was going to turn out, just like I don’t. I’m glad somebody finally understands. 



Finally Finding the Light.

So yesterday, I have officially found the University I want to go to after Brookdale.Since High School, I had been searching for  countless hours for writing schools. I went to AWP and met writing schools but I didn’t really feel a connection with any of them. This College wasnt even at AWP but I love it anyway.

Before I tell you what college I picked (I want to give it some suspense) I want to tell you a backstory of why I picked this area to even think about going to school.

Last summer for my graduation, my mom surprised me with a trip to Disney. I hadn’t gone to disney since I was 6 yrs old. Alot of rides had opened within that 12 years I wasnt there. They also created a Harry Potter theme park, and me being a some what Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go and see what it was all about. But to my surprise, Florida was the least most enjoyable part of the trip. Besides going to Nashville and the Grand Ole Opry on the way there, the trip was a roller coaster of emotions and for a while it wasn’t much fun.On our way home, we stopped in Savannah Georgia. My mom and I have been watching the Food Network together for as long as I could remember. I’ve always wanted to jump into the Tv and taste Paula Deen’s Food. Paula Deen  coincidentally, is from Savannah Georgia. I wanted to see the Lady in Sons ( her restaurant) in person because I had heard about it on the show.

Once we got into the town of Savannah, I instantly fell in love with the atmosphere. The roads in downtown Savannah were small, but it was okay. It reminded me a little bit of Red Bank, which made me feel comfortable so far away from home. When we walked into The Lady and Sons I felt like I had finally jumped into the Tv, I could smell the sweet smell of southern comfort food, it was something I had NEVER smelt before in my life. The earliest time we could get a table would have been late so we didn’t eat there but we did buy a piece of Paula Deen’s Pecan Pie and let me tell you, it was the best pecan pie I have ever had in my entire life. As I was eating I was telling my mom I wanted it at my wedding. Before leaving Savannah we went to Paula’s brothers restaurant. It was called Bubbas.It was a seafood restaurant that sat right on the bayou.As we were driving to the restaurant, I kept staring out the window in amazement. The moss that was hanging from the trees was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Once we pulled into the restaurant, I heard the crickets begin to chirp. It wasn’t like New Jersey crickets, these were much louder.

When we walked into the restaurant, I was seated by one of the most attractive men I had ever seen in my life. Sitting down I was shell shock, I had walked into the cowboy Macy’s and I was going to enjoy the good food and the nice view. If I thought the mater de was hott, my waiter was even hotter. His name was mitchell and he sounded like Blake Shelton. He was telling us that New Jersey’s rep was ruined and he was happy we weren’t all guidos. Damn Snookie, ruining our rep.

Anyway, as I sat and ate the best corn bread I’ve ever had, I listened to our waiter talk about the grits,seafood and his life in Georgia. He was really nice, our waiters here are  nicer than in New Jersey, so it was a surprise to me. He even let us take a picture with him at the end. My friends wouldn’t believe how hott he was otherwise.

As I was leaving Savannah, I was stuffed, satisfied,and disappointed all at the same time. Savannah itself didn’t disappoint me, leaving Savannah itself did. I didn’t want to leave. I wish I could have spent a week there. Savannah felt like home. Everyone was so nice, and kind it was a BIG difference compared to New Jersey.

So when looking for a school, I decided that a school in Savannah would be the perfect choice. I love the south, I love country music, and finding a writing school in Savannah put the icing on the cake of love and passion. I was talking to this one girl in my English class a few months ago about colleges, she told me she  wanted to go to Savannah College. I had never heard of Savannah College. She didn’t tell me at the time it was a university for the arts. So yesterday as I looked up Savannah College for the first time, I was pleasantly surprised that it was a school for the arts. It has my major, it isn’t that expensive, and it is in a good area of Savannah.

I have decided I want to go there for my bachelors instead of my masters. I was going to do a NJ BFA and then a Savannah MFA, but after talking to my friend about it, I have decided that I am too, done with New Jersey. New Jersey is my home, My family, but Savannah and SCAD are my future and I cannot wait to jump into it.

I am not going for another year and a half, but getting all the information was exciting and I thought I would share my excitment with you!


Two Laughing Men.

2 men Laugh

I think how amazing

That I, one person

Joined the two laughing men together.

How my kindness

have helped others

make their time here

much more enjoyable.

I wonder what the two men are laughing at

But I know it isn’t at me

because they are my friends.

I am amazed how the two laughing men

seem to connect

in ways I cannot understand.

You see these two laughing men

have entered my life for a reason

maybe it was to meet eachother

who knows, but

Those two laughing men

are my future

and eventually I will be

1 laughing girl.

I went hiking today with my friends Mike and Sam. It was the first time they had ever met. I thought it was amazing how they became friends really quickly. They are both awesome people. We are going again tomorrow. I really can’t wait.

P.S No Ticks!


Your Individual Story.

Yesterday I was talking to my friend Scottie about girls. He informed me that all girls are the same, well most girls. I wasn’t offended because in some ways he is completely right. Girls don’t know what to do with themselves. Girls have emotions, feelings, and they let everyone know that. Some girls wear dresses and heels and some wear   sports bra and yoga pants, but in the end we all have high pitch voices and all have hearts so yes, we all are the same. Since I’ve met Scott, I’ve looked at people alot differently. I don’t judge them but I try to figure out  their story. Maybe it’s because when I looked at Scott I didn’t know his story till I got to know him well. Maybe that’s why I am called a creep, who knows? With all my new friends I looked at them and tried to imagine what their story was. Were they ever in love? Are they married with two kids? are they a virgin? All these questions run through my mind when I meet perticular people.I pick people to be my friends I believe because I can’t figure them out when I meet them. I know when I met Scott I couldn’t figure him out. He didn’t blatantly tell a story through his eyes. As I got to know him, he story was simple. He was a guy, who had a family, had a past and had some scars and in due time, would get more in my prensents .

Today I was at the food store and I was looking at all the different people around me. They were all really uniquly different. Some were wearing really ugly clothes, some had a thick staten island accent and some were just teenagers with their moms. When I loook at people, I wonder why they are at the foodstore. Are they desperate for food? Do they have to use food stamps?

The food store is a great place for inspiration. Seeing different people trying so hard to figure out everyones story. For a creative person like me, sometimes the stories I come up with in my head are a little outragous. I wonder what my friends thought of me when I met them? I wonder if my story was hidden. I know in some ways it is. I wonder if I put my heart on my sleeve. I wish I could one day just watch myself interact, to not have any control over my body. I wonder if I would like it.

There are other places that really good for inspiration. I like going to poetry readings, they are perticully really good for creative flow. I like to hear the rythmn of someones voice. When people talk its soothing. my friend Andrew recites alot of poetry and stuff outloud and when he does that, its not that I am not listening its that the sound of his voice makes me write. It’s not just his voice, its anyones voice. It could be a song. I like jazz music personally. Nora Jones, Adele, some slow Carrie Underwood are my favorites the write to. When I am out and I write I need to have other sounds around me. I can’t just write in a silent room. In my writing class I had to do that. my productivness of that class wasn’t very well because I was writing in a silent class room. I think next semester I am going to ask if I could use my ipod while I write.

Everyone has their own writing process. When I went to the awp conference I met this women who told me she had to sell her tv in order to write. I think when I get my own apartment I am not going to buy a Tv. I think I am going get a little dresser, a small bed and a desk. Going to other people’s apartment’s and houses I’ve noticed that people have alot more then they really need. I know I do. I don’t really use anything but my phone,ipod,computer,books, and a bed. I read when I am not on the computer and when I am not on the computer or reading I am usally on the my phone or out somewhere. Television is okay when you need time to just be mentally dead. There are days when I get like that. I will sit on the couch for hours and watch marathon after marathon of Project Runway or America’s Next Top Model. There are days when you need your brain to just slow the hell down.

But Anyway going back to people… I believe that people are all the same in some ways. Men, women, girls, boys. We are all the same.Age doesn’t matter because we are all the same. The maturity of us have gone through similar things and delt with similar problems. I think that is why I hang out with people that vary in age. My one friend Ruti is 25, and I hang out with her just like I would hang out with any other person. I think that age doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter when you really love someone and they are apparently “too old” for you or just have a close bond. My mother always says, “once you turn 21 it all doesn’t matter. I don’t understand that because what if people don’t drink when they turn 21? they are the same people they were when they were 20. It doesn’t matter to me about age. When I have children, (if I do) I won’t mind that my son or daughter is hanging out with older people. As long as they are happy, that is all that should matter. I believe that if you hang out with older people you are less likely to get into any trouble. When I was hanging out with younger kids I felt like I was at greater risk because I was the oldest and they wouldn’t get in trouble and i would.

People all have stories. Some are more hidden than others. But in the end, we all have something to tell, I think that is why I became a writer, I am a story teller. I like to tell people what goes on in my life and in my brain because why wouldn’t anyone not want to know?

Happy Cinco De Mayo Everyone!


The Way you Sleep

The door creeks

Yet you stay still.

Your breathes

Are like the rhythm

of my heart.

Your eyes are closed tight

The blankets are draped around

Your bare skin.

I’ve never seen something

So beautiful

In my entire life.

I lay next to you

And stare in pure


Taking in your

Hidden beauty.

Your eyes flutter open

I smile.

I think I am yet again, on a poetry kick. 

Footprints on my Mind.

So tonight I went to Pier Village with my friend Brandon from High School. I have known Brandon since I was about 6 years old but we didn’t become “friends” till I was 16. 10 years of waves and the occasional “hey how are ya?”  until we became friends. I remember one of my first memories was with Brandon. It was my 6th birthday and I had my party at Dosiles Swim Club (everyone at one time had their birthday there) it was an indoor swimming pool where all the kids could play for hours with eachother.You weren’t allowed in the “deep end” until we  took the swim class. I was always afraid of the swim test, even though I had taken it at every Dosiles birthday party I went to. I guess the whole “showing off your skills infront of people” thing always got my nerves going. But at my party I wasn’t scared,I wasn’t even nervous. Brandon was at my party. At that time, he was just another classmate. I don’t remember ever really talking to him but in elementary school, if you didn’t  invite the whole class, you couldn’t invite anyone  from the class at all. It was a stupid rule. Now I believe the rule was put into effect was because the parents of the loser kids didn’t want their kid to be left out. I believe some would call me a loser because come sweet 16 time, I wasn’t invited to many. I didn’t care though honestly, buying dresses that you were only going to wear once was the stupidest thing I had ever heard.

Throughout my High School life, Brandon was always a constant supporter of me. He always cared about my opinion and I always cared about his. Well… until I started to like him as more then just “A friend.” Brandon is a good looking guy. He has long blonde hair and the most piercing blue eyes. Everyone says he looks like a character from the movie “The Blue Lagoon” but I have never seen the movie so I wouldn’t know. Brandon is a deep thinker. He thinks about why people do the things they do and other things that my uneducated brain cannot understand.

As I told him about the events that have gone on  in my life since he’s been away at school, he was unbelievably surprised on how I am still alive. Brandon is a simple guy on the outside but so complex that sometimes he doesn’t understand himself, on the inside. Maybe that was why I was so attracted towards him. He was a mystery. Brandon is now  more like my brother then “boyfriend material.”

As we walked down the beach, talking about life,our goals and religion of all things, I stopped and took a pictures of the footsteps in the sand  behind me. I started to skip around and make more footprints in the sand. I thought about if an artists came to the beach and made art out of all the footprints on the beach. I thought it would be so cool.. After looking at the picture when I got home, I thought about the stupid quote

“Real best friends leave footprints in your heart.”

When I looking at Brandon, I finally see this quote be true. Brandon is a REAL best friend. He has been in my life for a long time. Friend, no friend, he was always there. He is the brother I always wanted and never had. We may not always agree about things, but I don’t know where I’d be without him. He has been the supporter, the comforter, the protector. He may be a loser,a geek, a philosophical nerd and a man whore, but I wouldn’t want him any other way.

Tomorrow I’m going to see some of my friends from college. I kinda cant wait. I miss them already.