the reasons.

You realized your life was over when she walked away

There was no time to grab her shoulder

To turn her around and smack her with your lips

There was not enough “I’m sorry”s in the world to fix this

She doesn’t want you now even though she thought

There wasn’t a world without you before

Too much time has passed and as you wait she falls in love

And gets everything you thought she deserved but was too scared

To give

She had never smiled so beautiful  or glowed so bright

When she was with you because she knew

It wasn’t forever even though it could have been

If she didn’t become a woman in one week

She cried harder then the worst of storms and you hid

Behind a stools and strangers to forget

One day she realized what she wanted

A quiet morning she left what she loved to move on

Running against the current she fought to not look back

But she was being sucked back like a vacuum that you were controlling

Pictures of regrets flashed into your head and you realized why

She wanted to go.

You let her

she is safe now

And you are a man

That will always be just




Thank you for everyone who clicks on my butterfly when they see it!



Complex and Content

Staring out the window




did one chapter flow into the next so beautifully

how chapters became strung together

like popcorn on string, where my life

was magnetized to another’s as if I was

the metal and I was just waiting by the phone

for him to stick to me.

I stare out the window

when did god ,fate ,the devil decide

that at this time I would find the treasure after years

of digging and coming up with nothing

except holes and scars.

the glistening gold against salt

gems jewels and you stare back

and I become so lucky

more then I even thought I was before


Just a little poem to start off a dreaded Monday, but hey already starting to plan next weekend and I already can’t wait :)


Taking a Break.

Today is not a poetry day, but there is something I wanted to ask the world that I don’t know the answer to. Is taking a break in a relationship good or bad? In the last 24 hrs, two of my friends had discussions with their significant others on taking a break. Weather it would because one is turning 21 and doesn’t want to have the chain of a relationship around their neck while at the bar to  because they were together for some time and they were arguing. In my opinion taking a break doesn’t mean breaking up, it means giving someone some time to get things done. I had this same conversation with my boyfriend a week ago, I told him we needed to take some time apart so he could get his shit together. There were other things going on around that that aren’t important but the point I’m making is that, your significant may be  distracting you  in getting what you need to get done, done. I can’t even tell you how hard it was to balance a boyfriend,my clubs that I run, my friends  and finals week. Luckily my friends in my clubs took a bit of lead and my boyfriend was very supportive and let me have some time to just get my mind together and to study, even if it meant studying while sitting in his kitchen or making stuff for my clubs at his house. If I had a break during that time, I could see it being easier, but my relationship was somewhat new at that time and taking a break before month number 3 is never an option.

                I think that breaks are necessary sometimes. Sometimes you need that break to realize how important your significant other is to you, how much they make an impact on your lives and how much you can’t live without them. I also thinking that taking a break maybe a bad thing because its just someones way of being a coward and not just ending what they in reality to be ended. I think taking a break can be good and bad, but I know the break has to be mutual because if its not then that’s just you getting dumped.


To all my friends thinking about taking breaks, reevaluate your relationship before making a decision.


Not Knowing.

I feel your soggy eyelashes pressing

Against my face and I  stand there cold

like that January night.

You are crying because you are not sure

where to go without the fire of my hands, and I too

am not sure.


You look at me like I know the answer

that I am a calculator and I can spit out answers

I cannot.

I am a book that is unfinished

a poem without an ending

and I cannot answer my own questions

let alone yours.




I wish people weren’t so dependent on me. I’m just me.


Grind #2 : I guess this will be every other night.

Window Watching


chipped polish you slide your hand against the canvas

painted with reds and pinks  my viens like lines curves,  my hips

The sun peeks, wanting to see the play, the clouds dancing in a ballroom

You the star, but the stars are sleeping

and you and I standing. silk melts

hitting the floor and nerves float out the window like cigarette smoke.

the audience  sees blurred

but you and I can only dance.

Draft #1: Fail.

I don’t know where

we are headed

Or if we are headed

at all but I have waited weeks

months,year for something

to happen but nothing

has changed.

I tell myself that it’s just me

That I am the problem

The equal sign does not show

The answers that I

can form.


The eraser instead of point

Scratched out

I hear the church bells echo in the  silence

my cries create a harmony The organ and chorus

rattles vibrating chandeliers

Bread handing in the air

And I don’t understand.

You sit. Overstuffed couch sitting

In a pile of  shit (metaphorically)

Waiting for me to come back.Waiting

For something to change,but you and I both know

It wont.

Why I am the Luckiest Girl in the World.

I think I am the luckiest girl in the entire world. 

I know I shouldn’t be doing this on my blog but I wanted to tell the world how happy I am and that there is still hope for the world. 

Two weeks ago, I finally realized that I can matter to someone and how even though I thought I was garbage and other people told me I was garbage, someone thought I wasn’t and loved everything about me. from my annoying laugh to my very complex mind and my stupid stories. He liked my gaped teeth smile and how I wasn’t a skinny bitch and for the first time I didn’t have to change who I was to make him happy and I didn’t have to work so hard and pretend to be someone I am not.

I met a person that tells me that I am beautiful and will continue to tell me until I accept it for myself. It’s amazing finally finding someone who loves every single part of you  and even things you don’t even notice about yourself. When you find someone who is so excited to see you, and not try to get in your pants or just to suck your lips off. This person is amazing to me because I thought every man was an asshole; i guess I was wron

I never realized how much shit I was dealing with until it was gone. How feerer I feel about myself and how life can be so relaxing and not so hard and complicated. I am the type of person who is used to being beat up and hurt and  stuck doing all the work ,but now, I don’t have to do anything. I’ve never smiled so much in my life. He is opening doors for me that I didn’t even know they even existed. 

and I finally found a person who loves me. 

and that’s why I am the luckiest girl in the world. 




At this moment

This millisecond

I am the happiest

I will ever be.

You are far out into the distance

Where traffic lights are turning red

But yet some people,

including you, will go anyway.

I watch


Kiss concrete so delicately,

Sipping warm coffee

Made just right.

You pants lay on the floor

A souvenir of your existence

Watching me

Screaming at


I walk over them

Like an uneasy bridge

Shuffling across the hardwood floor

Of mine,



The clock ticks loudly

Hanging over my head

It counts the seconds


Till you are home again.

Heavy Foot,Heavy Heart.

I heard the door creek open


Walk in thinking I can’t hear you

Thinking I don’t know what you’re about to tell me

What I’m about to hear

You walk up the stairs one heavy foot

After the other saying prayers in your head

Wishing things weren’t like this

Wishing you could go back in time

Thinking how I’ll react or

If I’ll react at all

You look at me and turn

And put your head down in shame

I listen to your heavy heart beat as you  walk closer

You sit on the couch

Tan,dirty,warn out

Filled with memories

Ripped at the seams you didn’t care

You were in the moment and said you’d fix it later

But never got around to it

you take off your bulky snow shoes

It wasn’t snowing, you just liked how it looked

With your outfit

But today

You didn’t care about your outfit

Or anything in that matter

I put my arm around you

Your breath s are heavy and you face is red

Not only from the cold

But I knew you were crying

I knew it wasn’t easy

Did you laugh,did you tell

Anyone but me?

“I have to tell you something”

You said moving away from my grasp

I could feel the coldness taking over your body

This news couldn’t wait you thought

Even though it was something

I already digested.

You threw up the words

As you bit furiously at your lip

Piercing it with your teeth


Held onto to whatever was left

Of strength you had

Silence hugged you as I looked blankly out the window

Unsure of what to say

Unsure of what to feel .

You slipped your boots onto your feet

As teardrops hit the floor

You weren’t crying

your heart just didn’t know what to do

I didn’t know what to do

“I’d better go” you said

Slipping on your jacket

You were always cold

But today

You were even colder

And days to come it would be the coldest

You would ever be.

You grabbed my hand and looked up at me

Your eyes glistened in the dim street light

You were so pale, so fragile

“I’m sorry “ you said

I held you, I felt every inch of your soul

I could feel your heart break against me

And I had no tape to piece it back together

“we will get through this” I said “Just like we always had”

You sniffled and nodded not even looking up

I watched you walk away

Your boots shuffle across the concrete


Slid into your car

I see your break lights shine against the white houses

I turn to walk away

Not knowing how we would get through this

Or if we would at all.


You are my own good

You are the best I possibly could have

You think you can have better

But what is better?

Who can be better, how do you know what

Better looks like?

How would know if there  is any better out there?

How do you know if I’m not the best

You are going to get


If there isn’t anything better

Than me.