At this moment

This millisecond

I am the happiest

I will ever be.

You are far out into the distance

Where traffic lights are turning red

But yet some people,

including you, will go anyway.

I watch


Kiss concrete so delicately,

Sipping warm coffee

Made just right.

You pants lay on the floor

A souvenir of your existence

Watching me

Screaming at


I walk over them

Like an uneasy bridge

Shuffling across the hardwood floor

Of mine,



The clock ticks loudly

Hanging over my head

It counts the seconds


Till you are home again.



this song has been in my head all day. I’ve been so busy with work and crap that I haven’t been on. Thought I’d share some music that is keeping me going..

Thank you Little Big Town

Happy Sunday!


For the last week I haven’t been able to really have time to sit and write on here so I thought I’d catch you up on what is going on..

My life is crazy busy. I’ve never had such a crazy life. I feel like I can’t keep up. I am starting to worry about school since its the end of the semester and I want to make sure I do really well. I have been this whole time, but panic mode kicks in about 3 weeks before the  end of the semester and you question where the hell you were this whole time. I’ve been trying to do as much extra credit as I possibly can in this few short weeks left and I feel like nothing is ever going to  be enough  to where I will feel comfortable. Maybe next semester wont be so crazy, but I highly doubt it.

Today I found out that I lost 26 lbs in 1 year. I never realized how fat I was a year ago. I don’t know how any man, especially  Scottie found me attractive… but who knows.. men lie too. I also never realized how 1 year can make such an impact. In 1 short year I have turned into a more shapely girl, but more mature than I was before. I internally and externally changed. It’s hard to look at the old me and not cringe. My mother always told me that I was beautiful but I knew that I wasn’t and I had alot of changing to do. Since September I lost close to 20 lbs, its hard and I can feel the difference but I have to work harder. It’s alot of work keeping the weight off and not starve yourself. But you take one day at a time until you get to the goal you wanna reach.


I’ve never wanted my Christmas shopping to end so badly in my life. Before working in retail I wanted the Christmas season to always be around, I wanted to take my time shopping and pick out the perfect gifts. Now, please I just want to find something and throw it under the tree. I think retail have ruined my Christmas because it just so freaking stressful. It’s so busy and your watching people shop for Christmas and you think “shit, I haven’t even started yet” every single time you have a customer. Also, the more assholes in the store at this time of the year, which means more patience.. and after a long day at school you sometimes just can’t take it.

Tomorrow is another busy day, again. Gym and work and also running my creative writing club at night. Maybe I’ll get some writing done while waiting for everyone to get there. Let’s just hope!

Hope everyone’s lives aren’t as crazy as mine!


Maturity in my Veins

Tonight I went to my co workers house after working a long dragging 6 hour shift.

For the first time in a very long time,I felt like I was on the same page with women that I should be on the same page with. It wasn’t a bad thing, it was actually an amazing thing to me.

Throughout my life I never really hung out with little kids. Little kids annoyed me. Kids my age weren’t fun. They were playing games and trying to get into places they weren’t supposed to and I wasn’t. I remember when I was little I would sit in on the PTA meetings instead of hanging out in the kids room. Since being an only child I was never used to hanging out with kids my own age or kids in that matter. I hung out with my cousins who are older, and my mom.

My mom wonders why I want to be with older guys, and I sometimes ask myself the same question. But after tonight I’ve finally come up with an answer that I can say sounds at least halfway convincing. I am interested in older guys because I don’t know any other way. I have never met a guy who was younger who was even half way decent or mature. Men mature really slow so by the age of 25, a man’s maturity level is only at an 19-20, hence my actual age,…I think that logically makes sense.

When hanging out with kids younger, you tend to get in trouble more. Even though it sometimes maybe not always be the case, you are still at some sort of risk. Older people aren’t going to put you into situations if you really know what you’re doing and how smart you are.

As I sat at the kitchen table of my friends house tonight, it dawned on me that I am the most comfortable with people who are older because I have nothing to lose. These people have gone through what I’m going through and made it out alive, and if they could do it, so can I.

I thank my mom for  letting  me be me because without her consistent friendship throughout my life, I wouldn’t be the mature person I am today

Ps. Sorry I haven’t been on more… I’ve been crazy busy. My life will slow down soon!


SnapShot Memories.

the other night I sat in Red Bank with my friend Cheekz and we were taking in the beauty of the small town we live around. At times, I feel thankful I was exposed to what I was as a child. When I was little I was around the ocean everyday. I went to the beach all the time, even in the winter  and I got to see the beauty of the forest in the summer while we were camping. Since I started writing this blog, I have grown a sudden love for photography. I never saw the point when I was little, they are just pictures. Now I actually understand, you are capturing breathtaking moments in your life that you can’t explain any other way. You are capturing a moment you probably will never forget. You are freezing a moment in your life that was important to you. I give many photographers so much respect because I couldn’t do photo shoots or buy extremely expensive cameras just to capture memories.

I was talking to this new girl that my met at my new  job and she is a model. She was telling me how she just did a photo shoot and how fun it was. I thought only people who were on America’s Next Top Model did photo shoots. I don’t think I could get my picture taken without smiling. I know that sounds silly but I was trained to smile at a camera. I don’t think I could be a model. I don’t think I’d feel comfortable enough  with my body to take pictures of it. Even though I am starting to work out all the time, I still don’t think I’ll ever be comfortable with my body, comfortable enough to have someone take pictures of it.

Maybe one day I’ll do a photo shoot, but not today. I like taking pictures, not necessarily be in the picture. I also always blink when the flash goes off and I always look half stoned in my pictures.. I don’t know why.

Have a fun today, and remember, capture your memories.


Busy Bees.


For some reason I can never be exactly on time for anything. I am always way to early or extremely late to the point where it is no longer fashionable. I feel like every minuete of my day is planned. I have to be calculate every single moment of my life because I really don’t want to be late or miss out on anything. I think I am like that now is because when I was little, we were always really late getting places or extremely early. I never got to school right when the bell rang, I got there like a half hour before. Sometimes because I am so worried about being on time that there is so much dead time of me just sitting and waiting for things to happen.

I can’t grasp how people can just go with the flow on things. It would drive me completely bat crazy if I didn’t know what I was doing every second of everyday. I make sure plan the day days and days in advance because I know when I get up in the morning, I wouldn’t want to think about what to do. I dont understand how people can just sit around all day and do absoluetly nothing. It’s just a waste of time. You’ve wasted your whole day looking at what other people are doing with their day. There are so many things to do. Exersising would be one thing. You can take a run or ride a bike or anything to keep yourself busy.

I was talking to this one kid I know and he would sit infront of the tv all day and do nothing… I made him go to college because nobody would want to be with someone who does nothing with their life. That is someone who is boring. The more things you do with your life, the less boring you are, and the more you have in common with someone else.

I’ve been so busy lately I am surprise I have time to write on here. I shock myself with the many things I do in 1 short day. I now understand how adults are. They are going all day and by the time they get to relax they are so tired they just want to sleep. I guess thats why god created weekends.

Let the Weekend Begin!