Goodbye FDU… for now.


Well as the semester comes to a close, I giggled at the post under this one. Oh how far I’ve come from that. I’ve grown so much in the last few months that I’ve even surprised myself with my ability to be happy without the ones I love around. It’s crazy but I don’t really want to go home now. I love it here so much and I know I’ll come back but the fact that I made it, got through the first semester and did well is so accomplishing. I’ve made so many friends and contacts in the last couple months that now Andrew and I have made The FDU creative writing club and we together are rocking the world here. People look up to us, amazed by everything that we know. I don’t know why the  last few days I’ve been getting so emotional over leaving here because I know I’ll be back. There were times here that I was at my lowest but there were times I’ve  figured out that its okay to get sloppy and be yourself and  wear cheetah pajamas and open up to people you were so afraid  to open up with before. I can honestly say that all my good times and bad  start with the sentence “Andrew and I were…” and I think how different it would be if he wasn’t here. As an only child, this semester showed me what it was like to have a sibling, that person you see every day have the majority of meals with, and that you wake up to (sort of) . That person who you bicker with or tell that they are your best friend when you are drunk. I honestly don’t think I could have gotten through this semester without him and I am so grateful he is here.

As the semester comes to a close, well today. I can honestly say that I am so looking forward coming back  I already miss the sounds of the trains coming through campus all night and the planes that fly so low that I can see the small windows on the sides… and the birds, the birds that chirp at 4 in the god damn morning. Next semester  I already have a roommate (that I like! ) and I will be ruling this school just like I ruled brookdale, but better. I am already News Editor for the Newspaper, The president of a Creative Writing Club that didn’t exist when I got here and working right along side with the Head of the Creative Writing Department in a paid internship. As I start cleaning out my room I remember how cold this room felt when I first moved in and how poorly I felt about myself and my surroundings, and how I  felt like I was sleeping in someone else’s room. Now we no longer do homework in the laundry room and I don’t drink beer. We study in MY room and we drink honey wine and listen to Mozart.  I’m not a random anyone, I’m taking over the world.

 

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Hi everyone,

Well I haven’t been on this in a really long time and so much as happened. I am writing from the glorious Fairleigh Dickinson University laundry room where I am having a beer ( THAT I PURCHASED!!) listening to Andrew’s 90’s getting laid playlist on his Pandora. I haven’t been home in almost two weeks, and I really hate it. I am so sad but this is the decision I chose. I know it was the right decision but being here makes me think too much which makes me question what I  am doing . Yeah, you can imagine how much that sucks. In my lonely times I watch Awkward ( which is an amazing MTV show that I feel like is controlling my life) and while I watch people who don’t really want to get to know me walk back to their rooms,I question if I belong here.My time at Brookdale was amazing. I ran that school more than I thought I did and I wonder if I should run FDU as well or if I should sit in the passenger seat here as well. My relationship with Paul is okay, things have changed a lot but its something that is going work or its not and I am not going to be the one who makes that decision, that’s fates job.

I wonder if fate can just control my life because people keep telling me that everything is happening for a reason but I wonder if I should jump at every opportunity or just focus on my studies instead of worrying about making friends and making a representation of myself. On the other hand with having no friends besides Andrew here, I am so lonely. I know how it feels to have a great support system, a pretty large group of people who backed me up and supported me in everything I do, and Andrew was one of them. I am so happy he is here but at times I need my space and I need other friends and that’s something and that no one wants to be around here, my friend.My aunt told me I need to meet 1 friend a week and I just am too tired to do that. I don’t want to make an effort because I put 115% percent in Brookdale and I HATE starting over. I’ve been here for almost a month and I’ve only made 2 friends. I don’t have a social problem, these people don’t like outsiders and I am definitely an outsider…. actually, I am a random.

Sarah

Starting Over.

Believe


Believe:

 

 Believe in the you that I believe in.

 Believe in the one you wanna be

 but are too scared.

The you that stood over people

who stomped you down with words

 that never mattered.

Who treated you the way they did

Because it was “cool”.

The you that kissed the wrong girls

But doesn’t regret, just laughs and turns red.

Believe in the you that thinks that they don’t have work

Everyday minute to make her happy.

Believe in the you that deserves to be happy

From the moment you wake up to the second

You lay that head on the pillow. The you that smiles

 loves deep.

Believe in the you I believe in

Because you are all I will ever need.

Preparing for Change.


I always wondered what it would be like to just one day, pack up all your things and leave and not even turn around to say goodbye.Last night Paul and I were talking about the coming months and for the first time ever in my life I was scared. I wasn’t scared because more time is passing and I am getting older, I was scared because in 6 months I will be leaving home for the first time to live on my own. Granted, I’ll be living in a dorm with a complete stranger but to me, It will be as close to being alone as I’ve ever gotten. I’ve been away from home before, like on vacation but I always came back to something familiar after a week of being gone but being away at school is not just a week, its months at a time.

I won’t be very far though, only 45mins away, but it is different. not being able to come home grab my clothes and go down the street to Paul’s will be strange. Not seeing my mom everyday or atleast being able to pop in at Acmoore or wherever she may be will be difficult.

Ive never been afraid of change. When I was younger I’d change my hair constantly. I never cried when they chopped It off because I’d know it would grow back in a few months and I’d be back in the salon getting it chopped off again. But In the last few years I was afraid of what fate will give me. What god thinks I can handle.I don’t want to miss out on a thing but I also want to be my own person and see what I want to see with the people I want to be with . I know these next few months will be preparing months and months after will be hard but if life was easy, no one would be pushing themselves to be better and I know I want to be better then I am today.

Complex and Content


Staring out the window

what

when

how

did one chapter flow into the next so beautifully

how chapters became strung together

like popcorn on string, where my life

was magnetized to another’s as if I was

the metal and I was just waiting by the phone

for him to stick to me.

I stare out the window

when did god ,fate ,the devil decide

that at this time I would find the treasure after years

of digging and coming up with nothing

except holes and scars.

the glistening gold against salt

gems jewels and you stare back

and I become so lucky

more then I even thought I was before

 

Just a little poem to start off a dreaded Monday, but hey already starting to plan next weekend and I already can’t wait :)

Sarah

One Day


we will be leaving

one day

to never look back at the streets we know so well

to the neon sign of the Wawa hanging in the air

one day

we will leave this town where it grew as we grew

and now it  seems too small

one day

we will say goodbye to familiar faces

kids of kids we played with in the yard

one day

we will drive up to a sign we had never seen

and smile because

one day

this will be our home.

Grind #7

I know its been a while but with now three jobs and a boyfriend and a family, I never get time for myself.


I look back on the days

When I craved clouds

Like chocolates. I related to rain as it dripped

like blood on the soulless earth.

I never felt the sun hug my face

the grass tickle my feet. I heard fingernails tapping on hardwood waiting

for answers I can no longer give.

Where has the time gone,

when the people holding hands made me

vomit.

When sirens were harmonizing with my moans as I was pounded

into the sheets like meat.

Now I am sitting on clouds looking down at a skeleton

that wishes to be in a closet.

WordPress hasn’t been working for me for a couple days. So here’s my poem. I’ll have a poem for tomorrow too. Sorry!

Looking Back.

Taking a Break.


Today is not a poetry day, but there is something I wanted to ask the world that I don’t know the answer to. Is taking a break in a relationship good or bad? In the last 24 hrs, two of my friends had discussions with their significant others on taking a break. Weather it would because one is turning 21 and doesn’t want to have the chain of a relationship around their neck while at the bar to  because they were together for some time and they were arguing. In my opinion taking a break doesn’t mean breaking up, it means giving someone some time to get things done. I had this same conversation with my boyfriend a week ago, I told him we needed to take some time apart so he could get his shit together. There were other things going on around that that aren’t important but the point I’m making is that, your significant may be  distracting you  in getting what you need to get done, done. I can’t even tell you how hard it was to balance a boyfriend,my clubs that I run, my friends  and finals week. Luckily my friends in my clubs took a bit of lead and my boyfriend was very supportive and let me have some time to just get my mind together and to study, even if it meant studying while sitting in his kitchen or making stuff for my clubs at his house. If I had a break during that time, I could see it being easier, but my relationship was somewhat new at that time and taking a break before month number 3 is never an option.

                I think that breaks are necessary sometimes. Sometimes you need that break to realize how important your significant other is to you, how much they make an impact on your lives and how much you can’t live without them. I also thinking that taking a break maybe a bad thing because its just someones way of being a coward and not just ending what they in reality to be ended. I think taking a break can be good and bad, but I know the break has to be mutual because if its not then that’s just you getting dumped.

 

To all my friends thinking about taking breaks, reevaluate your relationship before making a decision.

Sarah.

Something To Think About.


So I’ve finally realized that everything that my mother said in my life has sunk into my brain.

 

 

My mom has been always a constant supporter. She has always told to never give up and that even though “it wouldn’t be forever” to put your heart into it anyway. She always told me not step backwards even if it was more comfortable then where I was at that moment, that one day where I was standing would get too comfortable and I would have to move on. But one of the most important things she told me was to finish what you started. If it meant dancing till the recital or finishing a class even though it was hard. You will feel accomplished once it was over and that you never backed down even if it got hard.

 

and now I am telling others to do the same.

 

There are many people who have no confidence and granted, even though my mother’s words of wisdom helped me throughout life, I wasn’t the most confident person in the world. Going through tasks in my life, I doubted myself and my decisions but with my decisions became lessons. Even though they were learned the excuenatingly hard way, they were lessons I had to learn to be the person I am today. Some people fall and sometimes don’t get back up and I wish I could help the world. I wish they all had a mother that said “why are you falling? Is it comfortable on the ground? Why aren’t you getting back up and proving them wrong?”

 

I had a friend who was like that. All he wanted to do was prove people wrong, even though he may have been wrong, he was never going to prove the other man right. In a way that showed me that you can have confidence even if youre wrong but if you know youre wrong, own up to do. Admit that you are wrong and move on. But this friend fought with the world and tried to show the world he was better, but in the end, the world won.

 

I also have another friend who is the complete opposite. He thinks that the world and the people who bring him down are right. I used to be like that. But just like you are wrong sometimes, the world is also wrong too. People make judgments and critize people who shouldn’t be critized, but that’s how the world works.  People who are strong can find the balance. To have confidence but also take the critisms and run with it. Make yourself better for yourself.

 

I wish everyone had a mom like mine. I hope one day if unfortunately I have children, I hope to be a mom like her. She may have her moments of self doubt but she is level headed and is able to have that balance of confidence to self doubt. I know there are moms out there who are the opposite of mine. They tell their kids they aren’t going to be successful and won’t do anything with their lives. How do you expect the kid to be confident in themselves if the only support they think they have doesn’t support them?

 

I hope people find the support they need to get through life. Because even though life may be hard, life is a forest, pick a trail and run.

 

 

Sarah.