Skinny on the Fourth of July!

Skinny on the Fourth of July!

Well yesterday was the fourth of July, and I like every year, I celebrated it with my family. This year however, my cousin Joan and I went to the beach instead of tubing down the Delaware like we did last year. When picking out what bathing suit I was going to wear I was hesitant because this is the first year I sported the bikini look. My whole life I was fat, but after hard work I lost 30 lbs! Granted, I gained some back but I’m trying to stay consistent but its hard when its the summer and you are going out and eating and there is chips everywhere. But anyway, I decided to wear my bikini to the beach because, who’s looking at me? I have a boyfriend, I’m not trying to impress anyone, I’m just going to spend time with my cousin. When going to the beach, I didn’t tell her I was wearing a bikini because I still wasn’t sure if I was going to take off my cover up at all. But, once we were all setting up  I found out she was wearing one too! I felt so relaxed because she had been working out hard for months and its paying off and she looks great! My cousin’s boyfriend took a picture of all of us.

It’s always a nice tradition to spend the fourth of July with my family and I can’t wait for next year to do it all over again!



17 Years and Still Mourning

Remember the 6th of June

And all the things we put you through.

 17 years vanished from this earth we crawl

 like cockroaches awaiting this destiny we call purgatory

 but we are not scared.


Remember the 6th of June because on that day

God created an angel that sits in her rocking chair watching

as her family remembers the empty seat.

17 years and never replaced by a warm body

of someone that couldn’t compare.


Remember the 6th of June

and  the smell of red roses, pale skin,

oil paints. Remember the smell of shore washing over the faces

of her grandchildren like waves. Moisture from her memories seeping

into our mourning minds.

We await one day to see her

 to open our hearts and hold her

Just like we had 17 years ago.


Grind #3

Today is my Grandma’s Birthday. She died 17 years ago. It feels like a lifetime, but I know she’s always around.

Happy Birthday Grandma. I love you and miss you very much.



So Today I got to see my cousin Juliana. It was also the first time I saw my family in  a month. It was like a ground moving moment. We were just hanging out talking about Honey Boo Boo child and  about life in general. I couldn’t imagine my family  not being really close. I couldn’t imagine not speaking to my family at all. My dad doesn’t talk to his side that much and I don’t really understand it honestly. I hadn’t seen my family in a month and I felt off. Now we got to talk and spend time together, I feel like I am whole again. Like I can go on with my days level headed. Lately my life has been really busy. I am trying to squeeze everyone in as well as I can. If it means not going to the gym ( Which I am so upset about) than so be it. I am trying to  juggle work,school,friends and the gym with two hands and sometimes, its alot harder than I ever imagined. But today it was different, I actually got to hang out with my family and no one was wanting me or pulling me away from what I wanted to do. I was actually relaxed and going with flow. I managed to fit family, the gym and work all in 1 day and I’m not even that tired… yet. 

Seeing Juliana is a big deal for our family because we only get to see her once a month. We make it a party everytime she comes. This time it was a Halloween party. We could dress up if we wanted but  I didn’t because I had to go to work. It was so fun seeing her and spending time with her and watching her grow up. It’s funny to think she will be in high school next year. I remember when she was born. It’s crazy and I feel ancient. 

She dressed up like a giraffe. She loves giraffes, it was so cute. My cousin was the progressive woman and her boyfriend was Gieko lizard. Everytime my family and I spend anytime together its a party, and I love that. 

I wish I could have spent more time with them but Kohls and money and responsibility and reality were calling, and I had to answer.


Here are a few pictures from the day, it was such a wonderful day. Also, Candy Corn Oreos…. Try them NOW!!







Family Balances Lives.

The Walking Dead.

So I had a little fun this weekend….

Over the weekend. I went to the Zombie walk in Asbury Park. This apocalypse has been going on for the last 5 years. This was my first year going. The walk is for Hunger ( which I find really comical) and the local blood bank was there running a blood drive. It is a 2 mile walk around the city of Asbury Park, but this is no ordinary 2 mile fun walk. This walk is deadly. On Monday, April 11th Guinness World Records™ officially recognized the New Jersey Zombie Walk as the new holder of the record for the World’s Largest Gathering of Zombies. The 3rd Annual Asbury Park Zombie Walk held on October 30th, 2010 made history as 4,093 zombies shambled across the boardwalk and through the city. Asbury Park and the Zombie Walk made it into the record book and have permanently cemented our status as one of the biggest and best Zombie Walks on Earth! I did not partake in that walk, but I think that’s kind of cool. As we were walking we saw all different kinds of zombies.

Alexis and I had a really awesome time. There was so many different people there, there wasn’t much to do but to just stare at people. It was such a awesome day to take pictures..

We also dressed up as zombies too. I was the patriotic zombie and Cheekz was just a regular zombie..

We also got crazy good food. I started it off with a Korean beef taco ( It was a cheat weekend) and than we ended with the famous crepes… My crepe had alot happen in its short life. We waited I think a half hour for this crepe and in the beginning I wasn’t even going to get one. But as the temperature dropped and my feet became numb I had to get something. While waiting, attractive men began making crepes for other people and dancing and singing to techno or dubstep or whatever its called music and they were shaking their asses in front of us. It was so funny. Than while standing in line, we started talking to the people behind us and they were just as indecisive on their choice of what kind of crepe they wanted as I was. In the end. I got a crepe with apple pie filling in it and Alexis got one with smores in it. It was the best dessert I’ve ever eaten, not even kidding. Don’t worry.. I took a picture of it to show you..

Overall after laughs,blanket stealing, awesome food,a million sneezes,more laughs,and tons of fake blood, I think I had a pretty awesome weekend.

Thanks Cheekiez and others who participated…


SnapShot Memories.

the other night I sat in Red Bank with my friend Cheekz and we were taking in the beauty of the small town we live around. At times, I feel thankful I was exposed to what I was as a child. When I was little I was around the ocean everyday. I went to the beach all the time, even in the winter  and I got to see the beauty of the forest in the summer while we were camping. Since I started writing this blog, I have grown a sudden love for photography. I never saw the point when I was little, they are just pictures. Now I actually understand, you are capturing breathtaking moments in your life that you can’t explain any other way. You are capturing a moment you probably will never forget. You are freezing a moment in your life that was important to you. I give many photographers so much respect because I couldn’t do photo shoots or buy extremely expensive cameras just to capture memories.

I was talking to this new girl that my met at my new  job and she is a model. She was telling me how she just did a photo shoot and how fun it was. I thought only people who were on America’s Next Top Model did photo shoots. I don’t think I could get my picture taken without smiling. I know that sounds silly but I was trained to smile at a camera. I don’t think I could be a model. I don’t think I’d feel comfortable enough  with my body to take pictures of it. Even though I am starting to work out all the time, I still don’t think I’ll ever be comfortable with my body, comfortable enough to have someone take pictures of it.

Maybe one day I’ll do a photo shoot, but not today. I like taking pictures, not necessarily be in the picture. I also always blink when the flash goes off and I always look half stoned in my pictures.. I don’t know why.

Have a fun today, and remember, capture your memories.


Magical Wands

When I was little, my mom would read me bedtime stories every night. It was our thing; our bonding time. In a way it taught me how to read by just listening to her voice.   While she read, she would give each of the characters a different voice and it made it more realistic for me. The books that I remember the most were the Harry Potter series.  My mom and I together read books 1-4 and enjoyed every single one of them. As she was reading the books, I became so into the characters and the book itself. I started to dress up and think I could cast spells and other things. I remember I asked my mom if I could go to Hogwarts instead of school that fall. Instead of sending me to Hogwarts, she signed me up for a Harry Potter camp at Poricy Park.

I remember for my first day of camp I wore my Harry Potter cloak and hat that my aunt made me.  It had the characters all over it and it was a royal blue with gold trim. I wasn’t the only one doing this. At 6 years old, we weren’t out to impress. I walked into the science center where the faculty decorated the room just like the Great Hall and stared in pure amazement .Everything was glittery and the house banners were hanging from the walls. It was a small group of us. We were all about 6 or 7 years old and so excited to be there. After the official greeting, we had to be sorted into a house. I was hoping I would get in Gryffindor but it didn’t matter, I liked all of them but Slytherin. We all went up to the talking hat, just like it was in the book,and was assigned a house. I was put in Gryffindor. Hermione was my favorite character and she was also in Gryffindor, so that was pretty cool.

After everyone got sorted into their houses we walked to the woods on the grounds. They were trying to replicate the Forbidden Forest. We had to meet Hagrid. Hagrid was my mom’s favorite character. He lived right outside the forbidden forest in a small hut. Right before entering the woods, there was a wooden hut. A man with a beard walked out of it and greeted us as Hagrid. He told us before we entered the forest; we had to make our wands. With medium sized sticks, we were asked to decorate our wands. We all piled into the hut where there were small desks with stickers, glitter and paint waiting for us. We each grabbed a stick and went to our work station. My stick was a little shorter than the others but I didn’t care, this was my wand. I covered it in silver and pink glitter. Glitter was not only covering the wand, it was also covering me.

As we waited for our wands to dry, Hagrid told us about the dangers of Forbidden Forest and how evil lurks there. I remember from the books that Harry faced many troubles in the Forbidden Forest but he always got out alive, so I was confident I would too. With our glittery wands in hand we walked single file into the forest. I had been in Poricy part woods before, but being in my costume with my wand made seem it like I was transformed into the book. We had to find acorns and stuff or the potions we were going to make and other sticks back at the hut later in the day. We had to collect our things but also watch out for the weeping willow or other dark magic lurking in the forest. I clenched onto my pink wand thinking it could actually work, like it could protect me.

I still have my wand in my night stand. I must sound ridiculous even keeping the old glittery stick, but it’s always there, for my protection and a wonderful memory.

*I had to do an assignment for my creative writing class about an artifact I still have. I still am a Harry Potter nerd. I still love Hermione and I still have my cloak,hat and wand.*


Please Don’t Kiss Me

Relationships. I’ve always hated that girl who would purposely kiss her boyfriend in front of people. In a way it angered me because why do you have to broadcast to the world you are in a relationship? Why does it have to be broadcasted over the internet? I’m not into PDA but I know ALOT of people who are. My friend Sean and his girlfriend have been going out for 6 months. She’s 16, and He’s 17 and they are really happy together but every time Sean sees someone staring at them, he’ll like hug her or something,like he’s afraid someone is going to take her away from him. No one is going to take her away from you Sean, cut it with the act. 

When I was in high school, I remember I was going out with  this guy…. lets call him “LawnChair”.LawnChair was a really skinny guy with long legs and blonde hair. I guess back than that was my type.. now… not to much. But Anyway, LawnChair and I met in the 8th grade and didn’t start going out until my sophomore year of High school. It wasn’t your typical relationship to say the very least. I like I was the guy and he was the girl in the relationship. He was a really soft spoken who in a way was too awkward for my liking but I kept the relationship  going because there had to be a glimmer of hope for him, and I also cared about him alot. I remember he would try to kiss me on the bus ride home and I would hate it because I didn’t want everyone to know blatantly, that we were together even though they already knew. We held hands in the hallway but I didn’t really liked doing that either. The other PDA that I didn’t really mind was when noone was in the hallway but a few people and I kissed him before he went to class, I didn’t mind that because it was only a few people. I wasn’t that chick who would flaunt her boyfriend around like a new purse.

The other night I was in Red Bank with Cheekz, we were walking in Riverside Park and these two people were making out right in the park. I was flabbergasted. Can’t you wait till you get in your cars or go to your house or something? I don’t need to put my relationship status of Facebook or twitter or speak to the world. If I love someone, everyone doesn’t need to know. I don’t need to grab your penis in public to prove to you that I love you. 

A few months ago a friend of mine was telling me how wrong it was that I don’t like kissing in her public. I told that some relationships are different than others. The relationship I’m in now is a strange and surprising one to say the very least.I don’t need to walk around and cuddle and shit in public. When I see two people out to dinner eating outside over candlelight, that’s exactly the amount of PDA I would want. It’s enough to say “yes they are dating” but not enough to say “after dinner she may or may not get laid”. Thats the line, don’t have sex in public, even if its a little bit scandalous, don’t. The general public doesnt want to see it. 

The other night while driving home from Scott’s I thought about girls and PDA and stuff and I was reminded that not every person is the same. People like to keep their shit to themselves and I respect that greatly. I like to keep some things to myself but if something is bothering me or weighing on my head, I am going to say something I can’t handle the pressure. Some girls want the affection all the time. They want to feel wanted. I know I’m wanted because he wouldn’t keep me around if he didn’t feel that way. The point I’m trying to make is that you don’t need to kiss on a school bus, or hold hands down the street just because you are in a relationship. It’s the simple things like a kiss good night when your half sleep or a simple “Night” text because I think when they think about you when you’re not around, that’s when you know they care.

It was a nice sleep last night.I just wish my dreams were reality. 


Stamp it with a Heart.

Have any of you written a letter to a girlfriend or boyfriend and left it somewhere they could find it? Trust me, I’ve done it a ton of times. I would put little notes ( most likely on the back of school papers) on my friend Scott’s car all the time. They were stupid little notes  that would say “Hey I miss you, text me” or “just trying to be creepy, hope it made you smile” When I was younger than I am now, I did this all the time. In middle school I would slip notes under the table so when the boys I liked at the time got to class, they would find it. Sometimes they  never got the notes,but 85% of time, they did. I always thought I was cute for doing this. I thought that they thought I was quirky for doing it . But really 90% of the time, they never read those notes, they just threw it in the trash.

I was talking to my friend John last night on the phone. My friend John puts me back on track when I second guess  situations in my life. He tells me I have nothing to worry about and he is the only one I believe. He is a guy who has been through enough shit that in reality, he should be much older than he really is. John gets me because he can see two sides to every situation and he isn’t biased about anything. He is neutral and he only cares about what makes me really happy. You don’t find many guys like that anymore.

I am watching the first season of True Blood right now and I was watching one episodes today and Sookie Stackhouse ( the telepath)was showing us flash blacks of her old dates she had been on before meeting Vampire Bill . Many of the guys were  using her for her body or her boobs or anything physical l and personally, I didn’t get that. We all know men do this, but what I don’t understand is that why? Why can’t some guys see beyond the cup size?

I know some guys are gentlemen but believe me, there are a select few I know who clearly aren’t. This other guy I know is   such a mans man that all he discusses are his custom car shop he wants to own every time we hang out, Like he doesn’t ask me what I want to be, he doesn’t care because its not about him. I guess I must sound stupid and contradictive because I know I talk about writing more than I talk about other things. I never thought it was a problem because  writing is a multi gender “sport” if you wanted to call it that and I don’t talk constantly about it.

Today I was cleaning some papers at Scottie’s  and I found a note I wrote to scottie a year ago.I was so immature. I was so little. It is embarrassing because at that time I thought drawing   smiley faces  and hearts all over the note was fine . Even if it was stupid and a pointless letter, it was really cute that he kept it.

I’m trying not to fall asleep… I wish we all had the same time zones…


Something I Can’t Change.

I am not a people person

I am not deep,clever

or witty in any sense.

I don’t play with words

just so men will be confused by what I say,

by what I mean.

I listen to country music because I feel the heart

in every word they sing.

I am attracted to men who can protect me

because I am afraid I can’t take care of myself.

I am stuck on a guy who will always care

because he knows I won’t be going anywhere.

I write meaningless poetry because its illegal to kill people

and socially unaccepted to have intercourse in public.

I cry because I have scars that are starting to heal

and some that are still raw and growing infected

that just need to be cleaned.

I hold secrets deep within my soul

and regret and grief  haunt me.

I am envious of pretty girls

because I know I will never be as perfect as them

I am not pale with a curvy figure

and light eyes.

I hide behind laughs and smiles

because I know being depressed gets you nowhere

and I’ve already gone through that phase.

I am worried alot more than I portray

I am afraid of men in the white coats

I am afraid of what they will say.

I don’t want to feel the cold stethoscope

against my breast.

I don’t want to hear how I need to lose weight

by a man I barely know.

I know I am fat

you don’t have to tell me twice.

I may look patient

but in about 2.5 seconds

I could change my mood

because my heart and head play tug of war

and  I don’t know what to think.

I think about  how the world is

and how the times have changed since I was little.

when I didn’t worry about gynecologists

and children and STDS.

I wish upon stars

I pray to people who love me

just like  I always have.

I get a stomach ache when I am nervous.

I studder and get light headed

when I’m mad.

I get excited when I see people I love

My heart is too big for me

and at times I don’t know how to use it

but that’s me.

and that’s something I can’t change

especially not for you.

Memories Within each Loop.

Last summer my old friend’s mom got my friend and I season passes for Six Flags Great Adventure. Before that summer I was NOT a roller coaster girl. Tea Cups and Tilt a Whirl were my rides and thats about it. I don’t know why but going upside down in a car was not my form of a good time.But, all that changed last summer. The first time I went on a roller coaster ever at Six Flags, I was with my cousin and her boyfriend. They took me on this roller coaster called Bizzaro. We sat in line for about a half hour and once getting on the ride I was actually glad we were sitting. I sat in between my cousin and her boyfriend ad I almost broke Brian ( my cousins boyfriend) hand. I squeezed my eyes really tight for the entire ride and I felt so nausus after the ride was over.

The next time I went to Six Flags with my friend, she forced me to go on superman ( you lay down on your stomach) I sat there and closed my eyes and couldn’t hold her hand because she was too far away. I opened my eyes really quick and I realized that from closing my eyes, I was making myself more nauseous. After opening my eyes on superman I wanted to go on again with my eyes open completely. When doing that, I realized that I loved the wind in my face.. it was a nice break from the humidity that drenched the entire park.

Since then, I will go on a few roller coasters. I am still partially afraid of them like I used to be. I think guys think its attractive that girls go on roller coasters. ( I’ve been watching too much Parental Control) After getting a season pass, I’ve realized I really don’t want one this year for a variety of reasons. First of all, it brings back way too many memories and after going there yesterday for that concert, I felt I was being teleported back to last summer where everything was fun and exciting. I’m not saying that now isn’t fun, I am saying that Six Flags was fun for me at one time.. and I know it will never be the same again. Second, its so expensive. I know after you go twice the pass pays for itself but its not like you’re getting your money back? And Lastly, I wouldn’t really have anyone to go with. I would have a few, but I don’t think it would be worth it because I’d only go a few times.

Six Flags is a cool place to go if you’d never gone before but like anything after the first 2000 times going, it gets kind of old. My cousin and her boyfriend go all over to the Six Flags’ ( theres ones across the country). They are big roller coaster fans. I have my limits but if I didn’t, I would be defiantly doing the same.

I hate people that ruin places for others because memories cloud their thoughts.