Things Left Unsaid.

Every time I hang out with my friend Shannon, we always talk about relationships. I’ve known Shannon since I was in elementary school and its awesome that we still hang out after all this time. We talk about our relationships and things happening in our lives and its really really nice. It’s like a release of everything that has been going on and taking a closer look at it. It helps me analyze not only her life and how I can help her make decisions,but how I can change my life for the better. 

Today we were talking about her new guy she was talking to and how everything is new to her now, now she is not with the same guy she was with before. I know that sounded complicated but there is a point to this madness. I think in relationships alone its all about taking it slow and I think thats how relationships fall short because not many couples do that anymore. I know this one couple that even after a week, they started saying “I love you” to eachother. Bitch please, you can’t love them if you don’t know them. Love takes time. You might be falling in love, but you’re not in love. Falling in love and being in love are two completely different things. 

I think this whole labeling of Boyfriend and Girlfriend are completely ridiculous also. I was talking to Scottie a couple of months ago and he said something that was accurate about relationships. He said that once you label something it starts to have rules,regulations and expectations and what’s the point of that if it will be the same if you just date the without those complicated rules. From the many guys I’ve talked to, I’ve noticed that they are terrified of the labels. It frightens them because now they are locked down. They have to be the ass kisser.

You don’t need to put a name on it to make legit. If you care about the person there is unspoken regulations anyway. I don’t know why there has to be a novel written of rules of how to be in a relationship and what or what not to do while you’re in one. People make it complicated and everything should be simple. 

As I walked through Red Bank tonight alone, I watched as a couple held hands while walking out of the movie theater  I wondered how long it took to get where they were standing and how difficult the road they traveled was. I wondered if the man was a nice guy or if that date to the movies was just a fluke moment in the relationship.I wondered if the girl was happy or if she was only in the relationship because she was afraid to be alone. I wondered if they had a label or their feelings and thoughts were unsaid….

 

 

sarah.

After the Storm.

I never wanted it to end like this

Watching the snow blanket the cold concrete,

Suffocating the world around me.

I try to analyze each word I said

Figuring out where I went wrong

Where we went wrong.

The crisp crunchy leaves crack under my feet

As I walk away from what was comfortable

What was safe.

Now weeks have gone by

And my heart holds onto to something

That never existed.

Imagery, wandering thoughts

Collaborated into an idea

Of what you were.

Of what I wish you were.

Of what you’ll never become.

As the bright sun escapes from the dark clouds

I feel the warmth wash over me like holy water

And feel free.

just a little poem. only thing you can do when you have no electricity, for 7 days.

sarah.

Three Small Words

So my friend and I were talking yesterday about Love. As you can probably tell love is a huge topic in my life. I am really intrigued by love because it’s the most misinterpreted feeling ever. People may think they feel love, but in reality love  is bigger than those 3 little words and honestly it really can’t be described.

When I watch those romance comedies I think “wow,that man really said i love you to that chick. He’s really got some balls” because men and the words “I love you” don’t usually go together. I was reading a post about this on thoughtcatalog the other day and it was about what is the best ways to say I love you and in reality there really isn’t the best way. I remember when I told someone I loved them for the first time I held my breath because I was afraid of the reaction and I also in shock that it came out. I remember I said it over and over  in my head just so I wouldn’t mess up. So I wouldn’t have to repeat it. I don’t think I’ve ever been so vulnerable in my life when I said it. I unfortunately didn’t get an “I love you too” response but I wasn’t expecting it either. It was just something I had to say.

I think men are afraid of the words I love you because those words hold a world full of baggage. A commitment is enough baggage, and then you have to love them too? If you aren’t organized, than all your baggage will fall out of your hands and your relationship will fall apart too.

To me, you don’t have to say I love you to love someone. If you show them respect and you enjoy being around them than that’s love. I wrote another post about what exactly love is and it’s all about emotion.You don’t need to hold the door or buy me gifts. That isn’t love.

I think people don’t use “I love you” seriously. Kids/teenagers are throwing those words around like it’s a normal thing to say. I wouldn’t say “i love you” to someone if I didn’t mean it. If I am seriously telling you that I love you, I mean that I have given you my heart and you are mine and I will keep your best interest and I will be there for you, no matter what. When people say “I love you”, to me it’s like a promise. It’s a vow that you will always care about this person because this person has touched your heart in ways no one has before and  you are acknowledging and appreciating  them everyday.

I know people don’t say I love you anymore because now its lost a lot of meaning. It’s not the same as it used to be. I think it’s a shame that we have overrated love to the point where no one can say I love you. But I believe that you don’t have to hear someone tell you they love you, you just have to feel it.

Sarah.

I’m a Lucky Girl.

As I walked into the 7/11 last night, I realized how lucky I am. I was watching this girl  who was with her boyfriend and I felt like was watching my reflection. She was standing at the doorway of waiting for her boyfriend who was getting coffee. She didn’t look happy but when she saw him walking towards her,she smiled really wide. But than, the guy just walked past her without any recollection of her at all. She followed him with her head down and her smile disappeared. That whole scenario wasn’t my reflection but when the girl left, I asked Scottie if he saw what just happened. He was also getting coffee next to the asshole guy so he didn’t see anything, of course. It hit me that if I was that girl and I smiled really huge when Scottie was walking up to me, I don’t think he would ignore me. He would roll his eyes and call me a geek and we would walk out together.I am lucky that I am not stuck in a situation like that girl was in. In a way, I actually understood her because I was like that atleast once in my life. You’re trapped because you love the person so much  because if you left them, it would  kill you

After our trip to 7/11, Scottie and I we were talking about eyes. Recently, eyes have started to intrigue me. I wonder what people see when they see me. Supposedly I am easy to read, but reading me and looking in my eyes are two very different things. My eyes can tell you one story but “I” can tell you another. He said something that really got me thinking. He said “when you look in my eyes, you see only one thing, right?” and I shook my head. He was surprised. When I look into peoples eyes I see what they want to say but are too afraid to say. I see stories that I can’t read. I see a beautiful mixture of colors that make a person unique. I see the tears that will eventually come. I see feelings that are hidden deep within them. I look into his eyes, I realize how lucky I am.

Yup, I am really corny… and a little cute <3

Sarah.

A Letter to my High School Self.

Dear High School Self,

You should have had a thicker guard.You shouldn’t have let so many people take advantage of you, no matter how much you cared. You should have looked  for someone different, instead of going back to someone who was comfortable. He was too slow for you and you knew it. You shouldn’t have hurt him the way you did because karma is a bitch and she got you pretty good.

You shouldn’t have looked so desperate when she walked away. You should have embraced the people who really cared instead of focusing on her. As much as she knew, she wasn’t worth your pain.She didn’t deserve you anyway, she was an asshole who thought she was better than everyone else. You know you are much better than her,and will get much further in life than her. She may have sisters but you atleast have a family that gives a shit about what you do or who you meet.

You shouldn’t have been so jealous. Just because he liked your best friend and not you, doesn’t give you the right to try to make out with him while she was away on vacation. It came back to bite you in the ass 5 years later and it killed you. You weren’t blonde and obnoxious, and that’s  what he wanted I guess. He was fat and gross anyway, you could have done so much better, and have.

You should have hung out with kids your own age. Hanging out with those little kids wasn’t safe. It held you back from going off into the world of maturity. They made you afraid of the outside world because they weren’t going to stand beside you. You should have kicked them to the side, they were holding you back.

You were better than the white trash you lived around and yet you still associated yourself with them. You could really have gotten in trouble  if he didn’t pull you out in time. Who’s know where you would be if he wasn’t there to drag you out of that scummy basement and into his arms.

That cap and gown have faded and you are now not the same person. Middletown High School North was a place of learn and finding my way. I know as a college self  now where its safe to stand, and I’m standing on solid ground now.

To my High School Self, It was fun while it lasted, but you are too young for my style now.

sarah.

Putting the Red in Red, White and Blue.

Tonight I was watching one of those 48 hr Hard Evidence shows, and one episode was about how the fellow soldiers of this man, killed him 3 days after he got home from Iraq.They stabbed him 32 times. This man was a solider and he still couldn’t defend himself. All the training in the world couldn’t save him. He survived the war, but couldn’t protect himself from his own people. I think that’s pretty fucking sad.

Recently there has been a number of shootings in the US. People on college campuses, Islamic schools, movie theaters, being bombed because of religion or race or just because they were at the wrong place at the wrong time..According to a friend of mine who’s brother lives close to that  shooting at the Islamic school  said “that the people at the Islamic school were one of the nicest, most ill-harming people and they did not deserve to die.”

I just don’t understand why people have to kill other people? We are all Americans, its like we are shooting one of our own. I don’t understand why people have to run into movie theaters and colleges just to kill people. Look at Columbine and Virginia Tech? Why should we feel frightened to go to school. Are we getting paid to be in danger?

When I listen to these stories about these major shootings, I question the parents of the shooters. Where the hell were they their whole lives? Why in the hell would you not know that your son is capable of shooting down an entire movie theater and boobietrapping apartment buildings and planning it out. Behavior like this doesn’t just come out of blue. This kind of behavior has layers and the more gruesome the killings were, I believe is how thick these layers go.

When I was in elementary school, I had a boy in my class that would constantly bang his head on the table. He was not mentally disabled, as in autistic or anything, he would just get aggravated and bang his head on the table. I later found out that his father would abuse his mother in front of him. He later in high school, made a hit list and gave out sleeping pills to students pretending they were tick tacs.This boy wasn’t a mean person, in reality the bully should be last person you talk to in situations like these. You go back to the quiet ones because they have the time and patience to really think out plans and strategies, unlike the bully who really just likes to hear his own voice.

When I was in middle school, we had many bomb threats. I remember we would have to sit outside as the bomb sniffing dogs would raid our school. The stupid teenager would get arrested and we would go along with our day. I remember the fear in the teachers eyes has they tried to keep us calm. At times we didn’t know if it was real or just a drill. I didn’t live in a bad neighborhood, but the kids were and still dangerous. I can’t tell you how many kids I know that are in the newspaper in the police blogger section ( its a really awesome section). I went to court a few weeks ago, it wasn’t a big deal but as I waiting for my name to be called, I started listening to the other people.Who were there and why, damn it was interesting. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Some of them were for domestic violence, or battery, or possession of a unlawful weapon. An unlawful weapon is like an unregistered gun. These people who were there were just from the three small towns around me. I seriously couldn’t believe it. These people looked like ordinary people. I’ve never noticed how easy people could hide secrets. For all you know, your best friend could be a murderer.

I believe people trust other people way to much. I know some people who don’t even lock their doors. It’s like are trying to get killed? I make sure my car doors are locked when I get in. I make sure I lock all the doors in my house.You never know what will happen when your sleep.

I’ve watched enough cop shows to know that NO ONE, not even the people you think you know, can be trusted. Because who knows, they can be a completely different person once they leave your presence.

Ps. I got a ticket for my expired registration and car insurance, and also for riding a shoulder. Nothing too exciting.

Sarah.

Pulling the Petals Off.

Last night I was hanging out with my friends Andrew and Sam. We usually hang out every couple weeks. I am used to seeing every week during the school year but now that its the summer, things have changed. But nonetheless, I enjoy hanging out with them. It’s funny how you meet people, complete strangers and than they turn into your friends. I was reading a blog post and the girl was talking about how amazed the “friend flower” blooms on some and not on the other.This post got me thinking after that for a while, friends are infact like flowers. Some you kill   because its too hot or some love the heat and will bloom anyway.

For my whole life, it always took me a while to get over the people who are no longer in my life. I am not the type of person who can just brush a person out of my life. If I have a bond with you, and I care about you, know I will love and appreciate you like family, and no other way.When people say I can’t get over the fact that we aren’t friends, I am over the fact we aren’t friends, I can’t get over the fact that you think that what you did was okay.

My new friends now are awesome because they get it. We all understand that our friendship may or may not stay together because we are going to all different schools but its okay because we are having fun now. It’s going to be tough for me because I care about them so much but I know if our friendship is strong enough we can atleast try to make it work.

The worst is when the people I really care about shit on me and think they are going to get away with it. I mean what makes them think “oh I’m gunna shit on Sarah today,  I don’t know why exactly, I just wanna see her cry.” Maybe I am too nice because I’ve never thought like that.

No matter how nice you are, everyone has a dark side. I know for a fact I do. With my creative mind I come up with things I wish I did, things I could say when I’m mad. People should be put in their place, and not many people do that anymore. In everyones life, they have one of those moments where they think they are all that, but really in this fucked up world we live in, everyone is the same.

People are fucked up in this world and its a shame..

Sarah.

Kind Eyes.

I may not miss you today

I may not miss you tomorrow

but in a lifetime

I know I will.

It may not be tomorrow

It may not be today

but in a lifetime

I will long for you

your sweet smile

and mysterious eyes.

Eyes that hold so many secrets

so many lies.

It may not be today

It may not be tomorrow

but someday

I will find out what you hide

Behind those kind eyes.

Today my mom and I talked about her past relationships and how my relationships with guys are almost the same as hers were. It’s nice that she can finally understand me.  I am so happy I can finally talk to her about everything without feeling like I have something to hide.She can feel what my heart is feeling because she has already felt it. She has gone through what I am going through and didn’t care about how anything was going to turn out, just like I don’t. I’m glad somebody finally understands. 

Night.

Sarah. 

Nebraska Jones.

This is the girl in the popular  song “Somebody that I used to Know”. I really love that song.. and I really am starting to like Kimbra ( this artist). This is probably one of the most straight forward songs I think I have ever heard. Theres no fluff in the lyrics, shes just saying ” I wanna have a baby with you”. Plain and Simple. I think I like straight forward songs because I am just a simple person. The things I say don’t have double meanings or anything. They are straight forward, and you aren’t going to get anywhere in life if you aren’t. People aren’t going to waste their time and try and guess what you are saying.. people these days are lazy.
Hope you enjoyed this song.. I really like her alot.

sarah.

For the Girls

Throughout my life, I have had many best friends. I always thought that I needed just one. I didn’t want my secrets to be spread around the world if I had more than one. When I was younger I always had two best friends and it didn’t work because either one would shit on me or the two would go against me. I am not whining in saying this, but in life, thats what happens. Girls espically. I don’t know how girls can get along with each other. I don’t know how I can get along with some girls honestly.

After graduating high school, and after everything with the last best friend I had, I decided that I was not cut out to have a best friend. Putting so much pressure on one or two people isn’t healthy for them or me. I think people get scared because they don’t want to have that much pressure, that much responsibility that being a best friend contains.

Today now, I have a few very close friends. I wouldn’t consider them my best friend because I don’t want to be hurt again, and just the title “BEST FRIEND” scares people. Having best friends reminds me of elementary school where you had one little girl you were friends with that you had snack with and played at recess with. Back than, that was what a best friend did. Now, a best friend has to hold your hair when you have too much to drink, helps you go shopping for wedding dresses, be in the “designated driver pool”, be listed as your sister on facebook, and listen to you bitch even when their lives are much shittier than yours. Best friends do alot of shit that is completely unnecessary and if a best friend doesn’t do those things, girls freak out. They talk shit about them behind your back or have an affair with your husband. 

Girls are bitches, but like anything, we need them in our lives. As a girl I can understand them, at times.Girls use their hearts instead of their heads. I know I certainly do. Emotions cloud my judgment all the time. As nice as some girls are, they can flip over to the opposite side of the coin and become fire breathing bitches. 

I have a few girl friends and I appreciate them because they bring out  the girl side of me. They see that I have a heart and I don’t have to be so hard and flat. When I am around my guy friends its different. I have to act different. I can’t talk about nailpolish and clothes, but when I am with my friends that are girls, its easy to do that. 

My advise is to have an even friend  ratio of guys to girls. I don’t have that but maybe one day I will. 

Sarah.