Please Don’t Kiss Me

Relationships. I’ve always hated that girl who would purposely kiss her boyfriend in front of people. In a way it angered me because why do you have to broadcast to the world you are in a relationship? Why does it have to be broadcasted over the internet? I’m not into PDA but I know ALOT of people who are. My friend Sean and his girlfriend have been going out for 6 months. She’s 16, and He’s 17 and they are really happy together but every time Sean sees someone staring at them, he’ll like hug her or something,like he’s afraid someone is going to take her away from him. No one is going to take her away from you Sean, cut it with the act. 

When I was in high school, I remember I was going out with  this guy…. lets call him “LawnChair”.LawnChair was a really skinny guy with long legs and blonde hair. I guess back than that was my type.. now… not to much. But Anyway, LawnChair and I met in the 8th grade and didn’t start going out until my sophomore year of High school. It wasn’t your typical relationship to say the very least. I like I was the guy and he was the girl in the relationship. He was a really soft spoken who in a way was too awkward for my liking but I kept the relationship  going because there had to be a glimmer of hope for him, and I also cared about him alot. I remember he would try to kiss me on the bus ride home and I would hate it because I didn’t want everyone to know blatantly, that we were together even though they already knew. We held hands in the hallway but I didn’t really liked doing that either. The other PDA that I didn’t really mind was when noone was in the hallway but a few people and I kissed him before he went to class, I didn’t mind that because it was only a few people. I wasn’t that chick who would flaunt her boyfriend around like a new purse.

The other night I was in Red Bank with Cheekz, we were walking in Riverside Park and these two people were making out right in the park. I was flabbergasted. Can’t you wait till you get in your cars or go to your house or something? I don’t need to put my relationship status of Facebook or twitter or speak to the world. If I love someone, everyone doesn’t need to know. I don’t need to grab your penis in public to prove to you that I love you. 

A few months ago a friend of mine was telling me how wrong it was that I don’t like kissing in her public. I told that some relationships are different than others. The relationship I’m in now is a strange and surprising one to say the very least.I don’t need to walk around and cuddle and shit in public. When I see two people out to dinner eating outside over candlelight, that’s exactly the amount of PDA I would want. It’s enough to say “yes they are dating” but not enough to say “after dinner she may or may not get laid”. Thats the line, don’t have sex in public, even if its a little bit scandalous, don’t. The general public doesnt want to see it. 

The other night while driving home from Scott’s I thought about girls and PDA and stuff and I was reminded that not every person is the same. People like to keep their shit to themselves and I respect that greatly. I like to keep some things to myself but if something is bothering me or weighing on my head, I am going to say something I can’t handle the pressure. Some girls want the affection all the time. They want to feel wanted. I know I’m wanted because he wouldn’t keep me around if he didn’t feel that way. The point I’m trying to make is that you don’t need to kiss on a school bus, or hold hands down the street just because you are in a relationship. It’s the simple things like a kiss good night when your half sleep or a simple “Night” text because I think when they think about you when you’re not around, that’s when you know they care.

It was a nice sleep last night.I just wish my dreams were reality. 

sarah. 

Lights, Camera, Baby?

Lately I have been watching lots of reality tv and I honestly haven’t a clue why. I’ve been sick for the last few days so I was forced to stare at the TV  realizing why I never stare at the TV. Besides the exceptions of True Blood, Sex and the City and a few others, I am astonished of how much vomit is on television. I also realized why people watch these stupid reality shows too. Once you start watching one, you have to watch all of them. My first mistake was the Kardashians and than I  stumbled upon Teen Mom and it got me thinking, since when was getting knocked up glamorous?

I remember when I mom would tell me stories about her childhood. She would tell me that it was a worst possible thing to do back then was to get pregnant without being married. Now in this day, getting pregnant at a young age of 15 is the new trend. Girls are now getting TV shows. I find it appalling.I understand that most of these girls are usually rednecks and trashy but there are some of those girls who are pretty classy. They are all over the tabloids like they are celebrities. Since when does popping out a kid make you a  celebrity? If it was like that, than the entire world would be celebrities…

I don’t know when it became socially accepted to have a kid so young. I was talking to one of my cousins a few months ago and one of her friends friends had a kid at 16. 16! You are still a kid at 16! You are self centered and worried about your chipped finger nail polish and what you should wear to school, not a baby.  A 16 year  old don’t even have their own rights, what makes them have the authority  and responsibility  to raise a child?A 16 year old should not being having sex to begin with. 16 in my eyes is like a baby. I remember the guy I was with at 16. Never in a million years would I want him to the be father of my child. Absolutely not. You are just starting to form into your body at 16. From the ages from 12-16 you don’t know what you are doing with your body and now that kids are hitting puberty so early in their lives, they are more at risk of getting pregnant at a younger age. According to The Center for Disease Control says that one-third of girls get pregnant before the age of 20.I can’t say I never worried about it. I ‘ve wondered what I would do if I was ever put in a situation like that. I know I deffinatly wouldn’t want a reality show that’s for sure.

Now that I am 19, I have a pretty clear head on my shoulders. I know that making right choices should be the top priority. But in a situtation like that, what is the right choice? I think the girls on Teen Mom made a wrong choice by  putting their young children on national television. Do you know how much shit those kids are going to get when they get older and not on the air anymore. I mean I have no doubt that half of the shit on those shows are scripted but it will haunt you for sure, no matter how false it was. You put your kid infront of a camera and put your kid to work just because you couldn’t use a condom? I remember the first season of teen mom they told the viewers how to not get pregnant and that getting pregnant isn’t glamorous. But now, please… its all drama. I must say if you really look at it from an adult perspective, the happiest couple on that show is Caitlyn and Tyler and they gave up their baby up for adoption because they knew that they couldn’t provide a good home for their baby. Do you see Maci, Amber or Farrah happy? and they kept their child.

If you are going to get pregnant at a young age, you should have parents that are supportive. I know if I ever got pregnant and decided I wanted to keep it  I know that my mom would respect any decision I would make. never in a million years would my mother be like Farrah’s mother. She would help me the best she should. She wouldn’t judge and she would be there, just like she always has. When I was six years old my cousin Joe who was 20 years old had a child. I don’t think I’ve ever loved a human being like a love Juliana ( his daughter) she is 6 years younger than me and we had the tightest bond growing up. As a family, we came together and supported my cousin and his daughter and still do.

I saw Juliana today and she is now 13 growing up by the day. Its like time has flown by because she is so much older now.I wonder if my cousins look at me like that. They watched me grow up from when I was born. I’ve watched Juliana grow into a beautiful young teenager and I love her more and more each and everyday.

I think that anyone can a have baby if they have a good supportive family. Family is the core, and I think these realitly shows like Teen Mom or the Kardashians have ripped families apart. Look at Jon and Kate Plus 8.Even though Kate Goslin was a flaming bitch, the whole show ripped them apart. You don’t need to have a kid to be on tv or 8 in that matter.

People live life with 5 kids and going through life without a camera in their faces. My friend has 9 siblings and she isn’t on Tv. No matter how many kids you have, don’t expect a TV show. You are not going to get it.

Thank god I’m better, no more Teen Mom and Kardashians for me….

Sarah.

Get Off The Road.

I think I starting to develop a bit of road rage….

This afternoon I was driving home from work and a woman passed me on the right and rode the shoulder to cut me off. #1 Riding the shoulder is illegal( I just got a ticket, I know) and #2 you shouldn’t pass someone on the right, as long as they turning left on a side street,  then that’s fine. But I was turning right so thats illegal.. Since getting my ticket for riding the shoulder a little over a week ago, I have been extra cautious driving. I hate cops, I can’t deal with cops so if I don’t do anything wrong, I won’t have to  deal with them. New Jersey cops aren’t the nicest people in world and espically to teenagers, they are even worse. Even though I am 19 and barely a teenager, they still look at me as an inexperienced driver.

So anyway going back to this woman, As I was driving behind her, I decided I was going to follow her because I thought it was wrong and I was already slightly aggraviated for another stupid reason that doesn’t really matter but why not add fuel to the fire, shall we? Anyway so I pulled into the parking lot she pulled into ( a  church, ironically) I rolled down the window and started to explain to her ( between calling her an asshole) that she was wrong and that noone was going to cut me off and that her actions were illegal and that she was lucky that I didn’t call the cops. She didn’t care, and insulted my car, and my driving expereince ( because grown adults drive sooo much better..) I called her more than asshole a couple more times and zoomed out of the parking lot. 

After leaving the church, I was shaking I was so mad. I have never been so mad at a stranger just because of their driving. Every once in a while when I am mad at the drivers for going to slow or cutting me off,  I scream at the people but not directly at that. But I know I will not be forgotten today. When I got home, I was mad and I told my mom what happened. She told me that people could be crazy and pull guns out and kill you, but I find that hard to believe. 

Some people shouldn’t be able to get their drivers license…ever. 

Sarah. 

 

Life Goes On…

 It’s funny how over time people seem to fade  in and out of your life for a variety of reasons. It could be as dramatic as huge fights and tears but sometimes, it can be as simple as just growing up and moving on with life.

The other day one of my friends from High School got really upset because I’ve decided that I was going to stop making an effort to see them. They think its going to be same when they come back home from college, its really not. Life doesn’t stop just because you are away from home.

I’ve talked to my other friends who go to Brookdale with me and they said it’s the same with them. After their friends came back from College, they weren’t the same and they weren’t as fun as they remember. I agree 100%. I still talk to a few but the bond I had with those people is no longer there.

I am not saying that I am going to drop all my friends just for my college friends, it doesn’t work like that. But it’s the fact that you change the first year  of college. You think you are now older and more mature. I honestly think I’ve changed a lot since high school. I am disgusted with who I was in high school. I was annoying and immature and didn’t really care about life. I cared about having a good time with pot heads and druggies and not about my future at all. I didn’t know what I wanted to be. I thought whoever didn’t drink was boring and weird and anyone who thought I was weird was even weirder than me. I would sing punk rock music and dance in the hallways because I didn’t care. I wouldn’t be caught dead doing those things now.

A year ago I went back to my middle school to pick up one of my friends brothers. I ran into one from my old teachers and we started talking. He hadn’t seen me in 5 years and he was surprised how much I changed. But he told me something and I won’t ever forget. I was embarrassed of myself for the first time. He said, “You know Sarah, you were such a bitch in school. I’m glad you’ve changed.” I will never forget #1 having my teacher call me a bitch, I wasn’t an asshole to that particular teacher, but teachers talk and #2 that my actions are so unforgettable.

These people need to understand that life goes on. People change. I don’t hate people if I don’t talk to you, I just am not going make an effort. The phone works two ways, if you aren’t going to make an effort, why should I? 

Sarah.

Finally Closing the Yearbook.

The other day I was talking to my friend Liz about the last year. I have known liz since we were Freshmen in High School. Since now everyone from High School is back for the summer, I wanted to sit down and talk to her. Out of all my friends, I was the only one that didn’t leave home. Some people went to Rutgers( which is really close), My friend Nicole went to New York City, Lisa went to Rhode Island, and Liz went to Massachusetts. It wasn’t easy for them to come home just for a day to hang out. Plus,they all went to four year schools. I went to Community College.

Since they were away, I didn’t pout until they came home, I went out and got new friends from my college. I wasn’t going to be dependent on them. During the year for Holidays, they came home but I didn’t see them really. Whenever Liz was home I’d see her because she was the closest to me out of the group of friends we had. Liz and I are so polar opposites that we get along. She is a type of girl who is NEVER going to judge me, she maybe a little disappointed but she would never judge me.

So as I sat in Applebee’s having our celebratory “pudding shots” we started talking about the group from High School. Since all of them were away, I realized I didn’t miss them as much as I thought I was going to. I was living my life, as they were living their’s. I was talking to my friend Lisa the other day and she told me that it seemed like I was pushing everyone away, I wasn’t calling them to hang out or anything because now everyone is home. I thought about that for a second and realized that I am so used to being alone that asking these people to hang out is not in my mind because I am not used to them being home. I am used to seeing my college friends. I am used to seeing the other people like Scottie, and Cheekz and friends from jobs like Brittany and others. I am used to the group I have. I have grown to become independent without these other  people.

I don’t mean to push these people away, I am just not used to them being here. Everything has changed ALOT in one year. A year ago this time I was graduating High School. I had a completely different best friend, I didn’t worry so much, I was so wrapped up with being in love that I wasn’t seeing the bigger picture. I was closing the book with all these people. I was closing the book on my adolescents and I didn’t even realize it until now. A year ago I was a kid, and now I am an adult.

Today my mom went to High School reunion. I am not going to tell you how many years but I wonder what it was like? Seeing all the people now, the stereotypes completely insignificant. I don’t know if I’d want to go to a reunion. I don’t think I would want to open the High School book again. It was a weird time in my life. I learned that you should NEVER be dependent on 1 person because if they shit on you, it feels like you are dying. To never experiment with different groups because you might put yourself in a bad situation.

My friends from High School are not the same, and I am certainly am NOT the same.Instead of some people growing into maturity, some of them went backwards. It’s the best time to live a little I guess.. in college you can do that. I don’t think partying is my thing anymore, I did it in High School. It was a short lived thing. I mean I will party once in a while but smoking pot and drinking in the woods and shit is NOT my cup of tea. I am not out to get arrested.

I think I have outgrown my friends a little. Maybe they will catch up, maybe they won’t, we just have to see what happens.

Sarah.

Afterlife.

We look down at your grave

The flowers are already dead

I question your actions

your vindictive humor

I see your silhouette behind the tress

You seem uglier than I remember

Your tattered T-shirt and jeans

You are looking out at the horizon

Hoping, wishing, dreaming

Of the something you will never have

You exhale smoke

As it flouts up into the stale air

I hear your mother crying

But I don’t think you care

You turn to me and grin

Your eyes are solid

Like the stone you lay under

Rain begins to pour

You look up at the clouds

You’ve caused this

And the world will never see

Light again.

Inspired by this band I’ve just heard of called “The Sick Puppies” I only like the song Pitiful. 

Nothing Like a little Emo shit to start the weekend off right…haha!

Sarah.