the reasons.

You realized your life was over when she walked away

There was no time to grab her shoulder

To turn her around and smack her with your lips

There was not enough “I’m sorry”s in the world to fix this

She doesn’t want you now even though she thought

There wasn’t a world without you before

Too much time has passed and as you wait she falls in love

And gets everything you thought she deserved but was too scared

To give

She had never smiled so beautiful  or glowed so bright

When she was with you because she knew

It wasn’t forever even though it could have been

If she didn’t become a woman in one week

She cried harder then the worst of storms and you hid

Behind a stools and strangers to forget

One day she realized what she wanted

A quiet morning she left what she loved to move on

Running against the current she fought to not look back

But she was being sucked back like a vacuum that you were controlling

Pictures of regrets flashed into your head and you realized why

She wanted to go.

You let her

she is safe now

And you are a man

That will always be just




Thank you for everyone who clicks on my butterfly when they see it!



After the Storm.

I never wanted it to end like this

Watching the snow blanket the cold concrete,

Suffocating the world around me.

I try to analyze each word I said

Figuring out where I went wrong

Where we went wrong.

The crisp crunchy leaves crack under my feet

As I walk away from what was comfortable

What was safe.

Now weeks have gone by

And my heart holds onto to something

That never existed.

Imagery, wandering thoughts

Collaborated into an idea

Of what you were.

Of what I wish you were.

Of what you’ll never become.

As the bright sun escapes from the dark clouds

I feel the warmth wash over me like holy water

And feel free.

just a little poem. only thing you can do when you have no electricity, for 7 days.


Another Disappointment.

“So you said you have to work tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I might have to work a double”.

“Are you kidding me?”

“No, sorry.”

“That’s all you’re going to say is sorry?”

“What do you want me to say?”

“I don’t know. Anything?”

“How many times have you ditched me in the last month?”

“I know, I know.”

“If you know, than why the hell are you doing it?”

“Court, I gotta make money.”

“But yet I pay for everything?”

“Thank you.”

“Why are you thanking me now? It’s not going change anything. I buy you everything. I don’t expect anything from you. The only thing I ask from you is to make a few hours with me, and you can’t even do that?”

“I’m just trying to figure things out; I don’t even have time for myself.”

“But yet you have to go to bar and spend the money I gave you on alcohol? Really?”

“I don’t pay for my drinks.”

“What, you fucking walk out?”

“No I have friends.”

“Oh, I’m not the only one you take advantage of?”

“Ha, don’t flatter yourself.”

“What the fuck’s that supposed to mean?”

There’s this new chick at work, Megan.”

“So, is she as much of a bitch as you?”

Even more so.

“No wonder why you like her, she is just like you.”

“I don’t like her.”

“Then why did you mention her?”

“You’re getting Psychotic.

“I am not, who the fuck is she?”

“Because she’s my friend.”

“So she buys you drinks?”

“Courtney please, I am not cheating on you. I’m not sitting at the bar spending your money. I’m  working. My life doesn’t revolve around you. You are not my top priority. You need to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around your needs. Just because you want to see me, I don’t need to jump at every single opportunity. You need to be able to live your life, and stop being so dependent on me.”

“Please, because my world revolves around you…”

“If it didn’t, than you wouldn’t have switched with three different people just so you could hang out with me.”

“You’re right.”

“ Ha,I know.”

 My try at dialogue… Sorry  I haven’t been on. I’ve been super busy! 

Have an awesome weekend everybody! 


A Letter to Cope the Mind.

Dear “He who should not be named,”

I wanted to tell you how grateful I am that you came into my life. I am also grateful for how quick you left.You made my life have some meaning when I thought it did not. You gave me somewhere to go when life became too much for a small girl like me. You opened your arms for me to fall into, even when sometimes I thought I didn’t need to. I gave into your sly smile and warm touch even when my greatest friends told me the opposite. I saw some glimmer behind your dull eyes and your powerful demeanor. You gave me something to look foreword to, disappoint over,hope for. But after all the pain and agony you have put me through, I longer long for you. I don’t strive for your approval. You have given me  the confidence to find someone who is going to treat me the way I deserve instead of being walked all over. Don’t tell me I have to act a certain way, or look a certain way. I am my own individual and not anyone, especially you, has the power the change that. You are not worth the pain I feel. As much as you made me happy, you have mad me just as mad. I was never good enough for you and you always looked for something to pick at.Now that you are gone, I can focus on me, the most important person that shouldn’t be left on the back burner. I will no longer feel miserable because your name doesn’t come up on my phone or mind. In time, I will fill in the blanks were you once filled. I will find something more productive things to do than wondering what you are doing. Wondering if tears fell down your face, its not worth it. You were not worth it. You never were and you never will be.

My friend was telling me how his girlfriend broke up with him and how miserable he was feeling. I told him he should write a letter. He doesn’t have to send it. But seeing it on paper helps,have unfiltered thoughts helps a mind cope. As a result of my advise, I did one too. I had a old boyfriend and he wasn’t the nicest. He was alright but dating is for fairies and I am not one. 


Our Book.

I can’t hold her or smell her
But I can remember what she looked like
When she left for the very last time
The way her mouth curved inward
How her screams turned into cries
When I begged for her not to go.
How I longed for her clammy hands
And her blemished face.
Her firey  enthusiasm
her devilish humor.
She put that book
Our book
Back on the shelf
With the rest of the worn out    paperbacks.
She knew she would never read it again
Because she’d never forget
The memories sprawled on each page
Or how shitty the ending was.

This is inspired by my friend Andrew’s poem. I don’t have it show you all unfortunately. 

I’ve been told this doesn’t sound like me at all… that do u think?