Well as the semester comes to a close, I giggled at the post under this one. Oh how far I’ve come from that. I’ve grown so much in the last few months that I’ve even surprised myself with my ability to be happy without the ones I love around. It’s crazy but I don’t really want to go home now. I love it here so much and I know I’ll come back but the fact that I made it, got through the first semester and did well is so accomplishing. I’ve made so many friends and contacts in the last couple months that now Andrew and I have made The FDU creative writing club and we together are rocking the world here. People look up to us, amazed by everything that we know. I don’t know why the last few days I’ve been getting so emotional over leaving here because I know I’ll be back. There were times here that I was at my lowest but there were times I’ve figured out that its okay to get sloppy and be yourself and wear cheetah pajamas and open up to people you were so afraid to open up with before. I can honestly say that all my good times and bad start with the sentence “Andrew and I were…” and I think how different it would be if he wasn’t here. As an only child, this semester showed me what it was like to have a sibling, that person you see every day have the majority of meals with, and that you wake up to (sort of) . That person who you bicker with or tell that they are your best friend when you are drunk. I honestly don’t think I could have gotten through this semester without him and I am so grateful he is here.
As the semester comes to a close, well today. I can honestly say that I am so looking forward coming back I already miss the sounds of the trains coming through campus all night and the planes that fly so low that I can see the small windows on the sides… and the birds, the birds that chirp at 4 in the god damn morning. Next semester I already have a roommate (that I like! ) and I will be ruling this school just like I ruled brookdale, but better. I am already News Editor for the Newspaper, The president of a Creative Writing Club that didn’t exist when I got here and working right along side with the Head of the Creative Writing Department in a paid internship. As I start cleaning out my room I remember how cold this room felt when I first moved in and how poorly I felt about myself and my surroundings, and how I felt like I was sleeping in someone else’s room. Now we no longer do homework in the laundry room and I don’t drink beer. We study in MY room and we drink honey wine and listen to Mozart. I’m not a random anyone, I’m taking over the world.
For the last week I haven’t been able to really have time to sit and write on here so I thought I’d catch you up on what is going on..
My life is crazy busy. I’ve never had such a crazy life. I feel like I can’t keep up. I am starting to worry about school since its the end of the semester and I want to make sure I do really well. I have been this whole time, but panic mode kicks in about 3 weeks before the end of the semester and you question where the hell you were this whole time. I’ve been trying to do as much extra credit as I possibly can in this few short weeks left and I feel like nothing is ever going to be enough to where I will feel comfortable. Maybe next semester wont be so crazy, but I highly doubt it.
Today I found out that I lost 26 lbs in 1 year. I never realized how fat I was a year ago. I don’t know how any man, especially Scottie found me attractive… but who knows.. men lie too. I also never realized how 1 year can make such an impact. In 1 short year I have turned into a more shapely girl, but more mature than I was before. I internally and externally changed. It’s hard to look at the old me and not cringe. My mother always told me that I was beautiful but I knew that I wasn’t and I had alot of changing to do. Since September I lost close to 20 lbs, its hard and I can feel the difference but I have to work harder. It’s alot of work keeping the weight off and not starve yourself. But you take one day at a time until you get to the goal you wanna reach.
I’ve never wanted my Christmas shopping to end so badly in my life. Before working in retail I wanted the Christmas season to always be around, I wanted to take my time shopping and pick out the perfect gifts. Now, please I just want to find something and throw it under the tree. I think retail have ruined my Christmas because it just so freaking stressful. It’s so busy and your watching people shop for Christmas and you think “shit, I haven’t even started yet” every single time you have a customer. Also, the more assholes in the store at this time of the year, which means more patience.. and after a long day at school you sometimes just can’t take it.
Tomorrow is another busy day, again. Gym and work and also running my creative writing club at night. Maybe I’ll get some writing done while waiting for everyone to get there. Let’s just hope!
While sitting in the Library today, I’ve been observing some people around me. I wouldn’t call it stalking, I would call it observing. There is a difference in the writing world you know.. All you can hear in the library is the tapping of fingers to keys; imagination flowing through the air like the wind. It’s kind of incredible if you just sit in the library and pretend to work, what you can learn.
while sitting here I’ve realized a few things. The most stressful things about college isn’t even the work, its more the atmosphere. If I was home right now, the feeling of doing my homework would be on the lower end of the list of priorities than it would be if I stayed at the library all day long. While at the library, I try to keep my mind in order. I have to follow my life schedule to a tee or else nothing is going to get done. Sitting in the library is not relaxing at all. It’s like they are timing you.. the librarians I mean. It’s like they are looking over your shoulder towering over you telling you that you must work until your fingers fall off your hands. I am not speed typing, but the clock is spinning here… I am wasting my time here; doing work that needs to get done in order for me to move on with my life.
I’ve also realized that the computers at the library is a crucial part of the library.. for the students at the computer, its like they are in their own little cubical.. I asked someone for a pen, nothing; no response.. It’s like they are so involved in their computer so much that they are in a completely different dimension. It’s fascinating. Then there are the people like myself who need to go on Facebook, Twitter and every single social networking site in the world before they actually get shit done. You need to check in with the world before you can shut it out.. I completely understand that.
Then there is this girl in front of me that is having a tantrum on her math book, flipping through the pages intently, trying to find the right page. Then scribbling something down in a notebook; then looking back to her computer, then scribbling more down. That I call Panic student. I have been that before.. for finals or when you have to get an entire research paper done in 1 day or a few hours.
Peoples studying techniques are all very different and interesting.. some don’t even study at all and get wonderful grades. Thats always amazed me. How in the hell can you remember everything in the world ontop of remembering everything else about your life. At times I cant remember simple math because I have so much other shit going on in my brain.
I’m leaving the library, to go to the gym.. and that’s a whole different group of people to observe.
So tonight I went to listen to a writer at my school. My club, Creative writing club, hosts the visiting writing series at Brookdale. We get to have dinner with the writer and talk to the writer directly before the reading itself. It was pretty awesome. Tonight the writers name was Aryn Kyle. She wrote the novel “The God of Animals” and the short story anthology ” Boys and Girls like you and me” She lives in the upper east side and she has been writing for as long as she can remember. She is pretty young and her hair is really pretty in person. In some ways she looks like Nicole Kidman but without the obnoxious voice and red hair. Her voice reminded me of a book on tape and I wished she read her whole short story book instead of just one story because her voice was just that captivating. I really enjoyed talking to her because she answered questions that I was seeking answers to. Being a young writer is hard, especially when you think your writing is shit half the time. I read one of her stories “Nine” and it was very good. Also, she can write a killer beginning and a killer ending. I would definitely check her out.
here’s a video of her reading a short story.. It wasn’t the one I heard tonight, but this one is good too.
so for the last month I have been going to the gym everyday. Whenever I have a free second I will throw on my sneakers and head to the gym. I will get on the elliptical and forget about everyone around me. I will focus on the task at hand. The task is to not throw up after 3 miles of intensely moving up and down.
I was never into working out ever. I thought my father was crazy for running everyday. I thought it wasn’t necessary. I didn’t think it was necessary till I started to gain back all the weight I lost during the winter. My pants started to feel tighter and I wasn’t feeling happy about myself. If you look at pictures from two years ago, yeah I’ve lost weight, but I’ve always felt fat. I was never felt content with body.
Since the first day of school I forced myself to go to the gym. I want to feel better about myself. I want people to look at me different. I was talking to Scottie the other day and since he came back from California, he’s been working out too. He lost 20 lbs since august, I don’t think it will take that quick for me. Apparently for women, it takes a hell of alot longer. He said that its cool when people notice your hard work. I can’t wait to feel that.
I wish I had quick results. I am used to things happening quickly so this working out thing is a big change for me. I joined 2 gyms, I try to eat healthy and still its a very slow process. I feel a little lighter, maybe its my hair cut, who knows.I am very impatient, I want things to happen now and not over time.
In the beginning I HATED sweating in public, now I must sweat in public because if don’t, I feel like I didn’t try. I just started going to the gym for as long as 2 hours. I love feeling exhausted when I get home, I feel like I did something with my day that can help me tomorrow.
I have a goal, I have plan, and I must stick to it.
So I found out the other day that I am going to be getting my associates in the spring and I am excited yet terrified at the same time. in 1 year I’ll be on my own. It’s extremely overwhelming. I am going to be leaving my friends, family and everything I’ve ever known and probably not coming back. Every time I think or talk about it I start crying. When I was in High School, I didn’t go to a four year school because I didn’t think I was ready to leave home. I was not the adult I am now 2 years ago. I was still a kid and I never could have imagined being self sufficient at 18 years old. Even though I’m only 19, 18 to 19 is a really big step, it was for me especially. Now that I am almost 20 years old ( ew that sounds ancient) I think even though I may not be psychically ready to leave home, I know mentally I can do it.
As an only child I got many perks. I never had to share a room. My room is and has been my own room for my entire life. It’s going to be very weird living with someone I just met. You have to trust them not to steal your stuff while you’re in class. That would be the one thing that would scare me. I think I would have to get a safe because after living in the neighborhood I have been living in my whole life, you trust no one and no one trusts you. I don’t know how that whole roomie thing is going to work out.
Also, not having a car I know for me is going to be a huge problem. I don’t know how these college do it without a car. I heard that some people can’t bring cars if they are first years. I don’t know because I am a transfer student that I would be considered a first year. I will go into anxiety mode, I know so. If I didn’t have a way to go home even if it meant days worth of driving, at least I would have the oppurtunity and the ability to if I really needed.
I am just worried about this moving away from home thing. I have a tight group of friends, I have a guy, my home, my family, my heart is here. It’s really scary leaving. I am the only one out of my family that even considered leaving. My uncle left when he was my age, but he came back. I don’t know if I am coming back. I know I am going somewhere I love but what if I get there and hate it? This is one of the biggest decisions of my life. I thought the last 2 years was difficult but now that I have to leave everything I know go somewhere that I don’t know.. It’s hell of alot more difficult.
I have to take one step at a time.. its just crazy and overwhelming.
Yesterday my friend Shannon and I went to the beach. It was so nice, a little chilly but it was an awesome day to take pictures. For my creative writing club I have to start taking alot more pictures for picture prompts and stuff. I’m kinda excited because now on top everything else going on in my crazy life, I have to start traveling. It’s convenient that I live so close to the beach. But you can only do a few beach scenes. In a couple weeks I am going to Martha’s Vineyard. I’ve never been there so I’m kind of excited and it will also be an opportunity to take some pictures. I heard its really really beautiful there. Has anyone ever gone before? My dad is running a marathon there, hence why we are going.
But as I sitting on the beach, I realized that nature can be so interesting.A little twig could make such a beautiful picture.
to me it looked like claws so I thought that was pretty cool. I am really anxious and excited about taking more pictures.. You’ll be seeing alot more interesting locations in the future. Before my mom made me come home, I took a few pictures, Hope you all enjoy!
For some reason I can never be exactly on time for anything. I am always way to early or extremely late to the point where it is no longer fashionable. I feel like every minuete of my day is planned. I have to be calculate every single moment of my life because I really don’t want to be late or miss out on anything. I think I am like that now is because when I was little, we were always really late getting places or extremely early. I never got to school right when the bell rang, I got there like a half hour before. Sometimes because I am so worried about being on time that there is so much dead time of me just sitting and waiting for things to happen.
I can’t grasp how people can just go with the flow on things. It would drive me completely bat crazy if I didn’t know what I was doing every second of everyday. I make sure plan the day days and days in advance because I know when I get up in the morning, I wouldn’t want to think about what to do. I dont understand how people can just sit around all day and do absoluetly nothing. It’s just a waste of time. You’ve wasted your whole day looking at what other people are doing with their day. There are so many things to do. Exersising would be one thing. You can take a run or ride a bike or anything to keep yourself busy.
I was talking to this one kid I know and he would sit infront of the tv all day and do nothing… I made him go to college because nobody would want to be with someone who does nothing with their life. That is someone who is boring. The more things you do with your life, the less boring you are, and the more you have in common with someone else.
I’ve been so busy lately I am surprise I have time to write on here. I shock myself with the many things I do in 1 short day. I now understand how adults are. They are going all day and by the time they get to relax they are so tired they just want to sleep. I guess thats why god created weekends.