2013,The Unknown.

Hi everyone:

So its been a really long time since I’ve written on here and I wanted to apologize for my absents. Working around the clock and going to school and also trying desperately to have a social life is alot to do for 1 person, especially around the holidays. I hope everyone had a great christmas and a new year filled with much fun.

Now that 2013 has started, I honestly think that this year will be the year of change. Change that I personally am not ready for. For my whole life I hated change, I hated friends leaving my life and me having to start over again with different people and me telling them the same stories I told the last friend. Your life gets sorta boring when you are telling people the same stories and you get the same reaction. But this year I have a feeling that I will change even more then last year, and I know it will be painful and hard just like it was last year. But if I can get through 20 years of living and learning than I can get through another year just fine.

When a new year starts I always look back on myself a year ago to the day January 4th 2012, what was I doing, what was I feeling. I remember feeling like something was about the change, that I was going evolve into a different person and come spring, I wasn’t the same person I started the year out to be. I was a stronger individual with passion an inspiration going through my veins. I was confident and thought I could conquer the world. But that fizzled out by the fall and pretty soon I was back to being me,the old me.

I hope the old me will fizzle out soon, I hope I learn more this year and I hope  this year doesn’t bring hardships, but even though I hope, it will happen because there wouldn’t be triumphs without hardships first.

I will be writing more, I promise.

sarah.

Welcoming Fall.

Even though its starting to get cold, I’m welcoming fall with open arms. 

The fall is one of my favorite seasons.Besides the fact that its the almost the ending of the year, I love how everything is starting to change around you and you really don’t realize it until your nose begins to run or you’re starting to look down and see leaves on the ground. To me fall is a reflection time. In the fall I reflect on the past season. I analyse each event that had happened in the past 3 months wondering if I could have done more with my time or if I managed to learn alot in a short period of time. To me everything I do is a lesson learned later. Whether it be working as a cashier or meeting new people, everything to me a lesson or a skill that I will need in days to come. Fall to me is like inventory is a for a store. I figure what I have in my brain that I will need to keep for the upcoming year. It’s like spring cleaning but without spring. 

Another reason I enjoy fall is the clothing. I really hate showing my body to the world and wearing a bathing suit especially in public is not on my top list of favorite things to do. I love wearing socks and uggs and long pants. I love wearing warm clothes and sweatpants.Fall is a cuddling season. When I was younger I loved to cuddle. My cousins hated when I slept over because I always cuddled. Now, I don’t cuddle, maybe with a few, but if I’m falling asleep, I need to sleep alone.The other night Cheekz and I had a sleepover and I got absolutely no sleep because I kept waking up and seeing her there. Maybe I’m just used to sleeping by myself, but I can’t have people touch me or hold me when i sleep. I guess cuddling isn’t for me.but regardless of my lack of cuddling, I love fall nonetheless.

Welcome Fall. Can’t wait to see what you and winter bring this year! 

sarah.

 

 

A Letter to my High School Self.

Dear High School Self,

You should have had a thicker guard.You shouldn’t have let so many people take advantage of you, no matter how much you cared. You should have looked  for someone different, instead of going back to someone who was comfortable. He was too slow for you and you knew it. You shouldn’t have hurt him the way you did because karma is a bitch and she got you pretty good.

You shouldn’t have looked so desperate when she walked away. You should have embraced the people who really cared instead of focusing on her. As much as she knew, she wasn’t worth your pain.She didn’t deserve you anyway, she was an asshole who thought she was better than everyone else. You know you are much better than her,and will get much further in life than her. She may have sisters but you atleast have a family that gives a shit about what you do or who you meet.

You shouldn’t have been so jealous. Just because he liked your best friend and not you, doesn’t give you the right to try to make out with him while she was away on vacation. It came back to bite you in the ass 5 years later and it killed you. You weren’t blonde and obnoxious, and that’s  what he wanted I guess. He was fat and gross anyway, you could have done so much better, and have.

You should have hung out with kids your own age. Hanging out with those little kids wasn’t safe. It held you back from going off into the world of maturity. They made you afraid of the outside world because they weren’t going to stand beside you. You should have kicked them to the side, they were holding you back.

You were better than the white trash you lived around and yet you still associated yourself with them. You could really have gotten in trouble  if he didn’t pull you out in time. Who’s know where you would be if he wasn’t there to drag you out of that scummy basement and into his arms.

That cap and gown have faded and you are now not the same person. Middletown High School North was a place of learn and finding my way. I know as a college self  now where its safe to stand, and I’m standing on solid ground now.

To my High School Self, It was fun while it lasted, but you are too young for my style now.

sarah.

When the TV Talks To You

So today I was watching Sex in the City and I am strangely fascinated by this show. Not because the Beautiful Sarah Jessica Parker is in it (I’ve always had a hidden lesbian crush on her) it’s that the show is about the hearts of 4 woman. They go through ups and downs with men of all shapes and sizes but they will always have each other and I find that pretty incredible.

               The other reason I like Sarah Jessica Parker’s role as Carrie Bradshaw in this TV series is because her profession of having a blog. Her blog is pretty much about life with men and the hardships of woman and of life. When I started writing this blog I didn’t know that my life was going to be broadcasted to the world, I didn’t think anyone would read it. Now I have 80 followers and 100’s of likes and its all because of Sex in the City ( well at least some). Carrie Bradshaw’s blog  has been my inspiration in creating and doing my own blog. I feel like I can connect with this character because she sees life in the same way I do. Her life may be completely different than mine, but she has the same process as I do. At the end of the day I sit down and really analysis my life. Sometimes I am not as successful and there are many sleepless nights of me just thinking  but I try just to think about the lessons I’ve learned each day, just like the ending of every Sex in the City episode.

               It’s funny how TV shows can really change your life. I’m not gunna lie and say that True Blood is consuming my life and sometimes I am convinced there has to be vampires in the world. Yes I know that is a little strange, but besides that the character Sookie Stackhouse has showed me that the way I feel is normal. When you love someone, it’s like you are strangely connected to you and they know when they need you the most. They can sense that you are in danger, just like Bill does whenever Sookie is in trouble. I know movies and shows are supposed the make you feel entertained but in some shows and movies I sometimes feel like I connect with these characters in ways that no one can. Its like they are talking to me. It’s like when you’re at a sermon at church and you feel like the priest in talking to just you. That’s what its like, and whoever writes these lines, as a writer myself I am proud.

Sarah. 

Treasure Beneath the Dust.

For the last two weeks my friend Scott has been in California. Before he left, he asked me to watch and feed his cats while he was away. Since he’s been gone, they have become my entire life. I’ve grown so attached to these cats that I might cry when I leave them. They are like my children, its weird. I don’t think they have ever gotten this much attention in their lives. But I love them. I don’t have a cat  myself so this is as close to getting a cat as i possibly can for now. My mom is allergic and I am too ( I’ve been taking Benadryl for two weeks) but to me it doesn’t matter. They are the most cuddly creatures ever. It’s like you can tell they love you. I think it’s so cute.

But anyway, besides from feeding and taking care of his cats, I wanted to do something else. I decided I was going clean up a little while he was gone. As most of you all know, men are NOT the cleanest people in the world. There are some very meticulously clean and tidy men and if you have one of those, be grateful. I on the other hand, had to deal with the polar opposite. I’m not complaining that his apartment was worse than my room (it was) I’m simply saying that it was living proof that men need women in their lives. If they didn’t, they would living in a river of shit.

Mind you, I never clean. I’m not one of those people who clean the house for fun. My room is a mess but I try to be semi organized, I always get distracted when I clean my room and it never gets done. So cleaning this whole apartment was a HUGE accomplishment for me. Once I got to the apartment, I didn’t want to leave right away and might as well make myself busy so I cleaned, and of course read Bukowski during my breaks.

While I was cleaning, I found out so much more about Scott than I ever had before. His nerd level is at an all time high but besides that, I realized he enjoys the oldies but goodies, and the simple things. He keeps things that a heartless man would throw out. He cares about his family more than anything in the world ( Like most people) but I don’t know. I was just amazed how you can really figure out someone by just what they have in their house. I’ve also realized that this man has alot of baggage and even though he is very headstrong and pretends to be “Mr strong guy” I know he has a gentle soul and words bother him more than actions. You can break his arm and kick his ass and he’ll get up and fight back no problem, but tell him that he’s weak and he’ll crumble and never forget.

At times I am like that myself. I heard this quote a few days ago it went like “There’s always a little truth behind every ‘just kidding,’ a little knowledge behind every ‘i dont know,’ a little emotion behind every ‘i dont care,’ and a little pain behind every ‘it’s okay. I always blow things off when they hurt me because I don’t want to make waves. At times I just can’t take and I have to say something but I know the other person is just going to say “just kidding” or “it was a joke, you can’t take a joke” No, I can’t take a joke. Because if it wasn’t at least a little true, you wouldn’t have said it at all.

After cleaning and learning alot in this last two weeks, I’ve learned to appreciate people for who they are and what they like. I love a man who likes comic books and star wars but it doesn’t matter. They are called guilty pleasures. If one went through my room, they would find my hidden collection of backyardigans dolls and coloring books in my desk. I still to this day like to color, even though I don’t have many colors left.

I wonder what I will find when I clean my room, maybe I don’t like cleaning my room is because I already know who I am. Maybe someone would rather do it. I’d do it if I didn’t know myself inside and out. Maybe that’s why people become cleaning ladies. Who Knows.

Sarah.

Half Way There.

I was talking to one of my friends today about our lives. We were both surprised of who entered our lives and who faded away with time. I walked on the beach today  and this woman came up to me and asked me who I was, I was surprised because not many people do that but we live in a small town… so it wasn’t too shocking. Turns out she used to be a class mom at my elementary school and I hadn’t seen her since I was 10 years old. I love when people see me  when they haven’t seen me in years and tell me how different I look. Well no shit, of course I look different, its been almost 10 years since you’ve seen me…. 

Many people tell me that I haven’t changed since I was little. My face looks pretty much the same. I honestly i think my teeth makes me look young, I really don’t wanna get braces but maybe I will eventually..but I really don’t wanna go through it. I don’t mind having a gap in my teeth, I think I would look different if I had teeth with no spaces. I don’t mind it, sometimes it bothers me but not all the time. Guys still look at me, its not like I have shitty teeth. They just aren’t close together. 

My friend was telling me about this guy she just started dating and how it feels like middle school. When I met Scottie, I felt just like that, its like you are surprised that this guy is even talking to you in the first place. I always wondered why me? why did he pick me out of all the girls in the world to talk to. I personally don’t think I’m all that pretty so I guess because of my lack of confidence when guys talk to me in general I think its kind of shocking. I was thinking today as I was driving back to work about all the memories in the last year. Some bad, some good, but in the end, they are things I will never forget.

 I’ve realized just in this half way mark in the year, that I still have a lot to learn and that there is always a blessing hidden behind every bad thing that happens. 

Sarah. 

Cross Roads and Broken Hearts

Today I was at a four-way stop in my neighborhood. That four-way stop was where I had my first accident with my car. It was 2 days after I got my license. I was driving for 3months without a license and I never got into an accident, I guess at the time I had the freedom and I felt invincible. I was with my best friend at the time.  We were listening to Good Charlotte, we were really into them that summer. Before meeting her, I never really listened to Good Charlotte. I knew a couple of songs because they were on MTV but other than that, I didn’t know them very well. When I rolled up to the four-way stop, I turned down my music and listened. The car on the other end of the street was listening to good charlotte. I looked and there was my best friend, now in her car, listening to music that we listened and sang along with together.

It’s funny how things change over time. If someone told me a year ago today that I wasn’t going to be friends with her I would have laughed in their face. Through all the shit we both had gone through, we were there for each other. Through all the heart breaks and shit she was there to pick me up saying “you know you can do so much better”. I smiled as I wiped the tears off my face every time because I knew I would always have someone telling me I had the potential to get better in my life. I didn’t know that better in life  would mean losing her.

As I waved her to go before me because I am still a little wary about that four way stop, she looked at me. I saw it in her face that she was surprised to see me. I wasn’t surprised to see her. Our town is small, so I knew eventually we were going to be driving on the same road at the same time. She let me go before her, because she knew I hated how much I hated waiting. I remember the time I let all the cars go one day because I was afraid. She laughed and said that all other people probably thought I was lost. I wasn’t lost I was just afraid.

Now that she’s no longer in my life, I am not afraid or lost. I have come to terms with the fact I no longer have a best friend.I frankly don’t need one. I am happy and content with my independence. I don’t regret any of the good times. I don’t miss the good times either. They were fun,like sitting on her back porch early in the morning before school and having a cup of coffee and listening to the silence of the graveyard.They were wonderful times. But I must say, I miss one thing. I miss the talks her and I had. I felt like I could tell her everything and she would understand me.

Each person you meet helps you through things in your life. When they can no longer help you, they will leave.Every friendship is like that. There is no such thing as a life long friend. After her, I don’t believe in a best friend. With each friend you have, you trust them differently. Ones can come back into your life, but some cause so much pain that you can’t seen to imagine them ever being part of your life again.

As heart wrenching it is, I don’t need her in my life. she wasn’t there when I needed her the most in my life. If you are someones “best friend” aren’t you suppose to be the one who’s always there, no matter what?

She was great time, don’t get me wrong. But as Eric Church in his song “Those I’ve Loved” :

“She was my best friend and it broke my heart,but I don’t regret the day that she became

One of those I’ve loved along the way”

Good bye, Thanks for Good times. Thanks for teaching me, never to trust a liar.

Sarah xo