Not Knowing.

I feel your soggy eyelashes pressing

Against my face and I  stand there cold

like that January night.

You are crying because you are not sure

where to go without the fire of my hands, and I too

am not sure.


You look at me like I know the answer

that I am a calculator and I can spit out answers

I cannot.

I am a book that is unfinished

a poem without an ending

and I cannot answer my own questions

let alone yours.




I wish people weren’t so dependent on me. I’m just me.


Grind #2 : I guess this will be every other night.


Three Small Words

So my friend and I were talking yesterday about Love. As you can probably tell love is a huge topic in my life. I am really intrigued by love because it’s the most misinterpreted feeling ever. People may think they feel love, but in reality love  is bigger than those 3 little words and honestly it really can’t be described.

When I watch those romance comedies I think “wow,that man really said i love you to that chick. He’s really got some balls” because men and the words “I love you” don’t usually go together. I was reading a post about this on thoughtcatalog the other day and it was about what is the best ways to say I love you and in reality there really isn’t the best way. I remember when I told someone I loved them for the first time I held my breath because I was afraid of the reaction and I also in shock that it came out. I remember I said it over and over  in my head just so I wouldn’t mess up. So I wouldn’t have to repeat it. I don’t think I’ve ever been so vulnerable in my life when I said it. I unfortunately didn’t get an “I love you too” response but I wasn’t expecting it either. It was just something I had to say.

I think men are afraid of the words I love you because those words hold a world full of baggage. A commitment is enough baggage, and then you have to love them too? If you aren’t organized, than all your baggage will fall out of your hands and your relationship will fall apart too.

To me, you don’t have to say I love you to love someone. If you show them respect and you enjoy being around them than that’s love. I wrote another post about what exactly love is and it’s all about emotion.You don’t need to hold the door or buy me gifts. That isn’t love.

I think people don’t use “I love you” seriously. Kids/teenagers are throwing those words around like it’s a normal thing to say. I wouldn’t say “i love you” to someone if I didn’t mean it. If I am seriously telling you that I love you, I mean that I have given you my heart and you are mine and I will keep your best interest and I will be there for you, no matter what. When people say “I love you”, to me it’s like a promise. It’s a vow that you will always care about this person because this person has touched your heart in ways no one has before and  you are acknowledging and appreciating  them everyday.

I know people don’t say I love you anymore because now its lost a lot of meaning. It’s not the same as it used to be. I think it’s a shame that we have overrated love to the point where no one can say I love you. But I believe that you don’t have to hear someone tell you they love you, you just have to feel it.


I’m a Lucky Girl.

As I walked into the 7/11 last night, I realized how lucky I am. I was watching this girl  who was with her boyfriend and I felt like was watching my reflection. She was standing at the doorway of waiting for her boyfriend who was getting coffee. She didn’t look happy but when she saw him walking towards her,she smiled really wide. But than, the guy just walked past her without any recollection of her at all. She followed him with her head down and her smile disappeared. That whole scenario wasn’t my reflection but when the girl left, I asked Scottie if he saw what just happened. He was also getting coffee next to the asshole guy so he didn’t see anything, of course. It hit me that if I was that girl and I smiled really huge when Scottie was walking up to me, I don’t think he would ignore me. He would roll his eyes and call me a geek and we would walk out together.I am lucky that I am not stuck in a situation like that girl was in. In a way, I actually understood her because I was like that atleast once in my life. You’re trapped because you love the person so much  because if you left them, it would  kill you

After our trip to 7/11, Scottie and I we were talking about eyes. Recently, eyes have started to intrigue me. I wonder what people see when they see me. Supposedly I am easy to read, but reading me and looking in my eyes are two very different things. My eyes can tell you one story but “I” can tell you another. He said something that really got me thinking. He said “when you look in my eyes, you see only one thing, right?” and I shook my head. He was surprised. When I look into peoples eyes I see what they want to say but are too afraid to say. I see stories that I can’t read. I see a beautiful mixture of colors that make a person unique. I see the tears that will eventually come. I see feelings that are hidden deep within them. I look into his eyes, I realize how lucky I am.

Yup, I am really corny… and a little cute <3


Half Way There.

I was talking to one of my friends today about our lives. We were both surprised of who entered our lives and who faded away with time. I walked on the beach today  and this woman came up to me and asked me who I was, I was surprised because not many people do that but we live in a small town… so it wasn’t too shocking. Turns out she used to be a class mom at my elementary school and I hadn’t seen her since I was 10 years old. I love when people see me  when they haven’t seen me in years and tell me how different I look. Well no shit, of course I look different, its been almost 10 years since you’ve seen me…. 

Many people tell me that I haven’t changed since I was little. My face looks pretty much the same. I honestly i think my teeth makes me look young, I really don’t wanna get braces but maybe I will eventually..but I really don’t wanna go through it. I don’t mind having a gap in my teeth, I think I would look different if I had teeth with no spaces. I don’t mind it, sometimes it bothers me but not all the time. Guys still look at me, its not like I have shitty teeth. They just aren’t close together. 

My friend was telling me about this guy she just started dating and how it feels like middle school. When I met Scottie, I felt just like that, its like you are surprised that this guy is even talking to you in the first place. I always wondered why me? why did he pick me out of all the girls in the world to talk to. I personally don’t think I’m all that pretty so I guess because of my lack of confidence when guys talk to me in general I think its kind of shocking. I was thinking today as I was driving back to work about all the memories in the last year. Some bad, some good, but in the end, they are things I will never forget.

 I’ve realized just in this half way mark in the year, that I still have a lot to learn and that there is always a blessing hidden behind every bad thing that happens. 


The Wall of Ego.

I’ve  heard every love song

Read every love poem

And still haven’t grasp the fact that

None of this is ever a reality

The true reality is

Men watch sports and pornography

And that’s pretty much it.

I’ve never met a guy who

Talked about girls with his friends

Maybe I’m meeting the wrong guys

Or maybe the only guys that don’t appreciate their women

Are the immature assholes

I somehow gravitate to.

I don’t understand the attraction

Maybe it’s the love for the WWE

Or how they have bobblehead dolls in their china closet

Because they had nowhere else to put them

Or how they eat ramen

Instead of learning how to cook an actual meal.

Maybe it’s the fact I can be the teacher

Help them grow into a better human

Show them that being an asshole

Will not take them anywhere in life

Or maybe its that I’m just a sucker

For dimples and Mohawks

If only the assholes could see

That being nice

Will get you more girls

But I know

Because of their ego

They’ll never learn

and that’s a damn shame.



After listening to hours and hours of Leanne Rimes, I’ve realized that no guys are like the guys in these songs… 

I’m in one of those “I hate men because they exist” moods.


I Will Miss You Someday.

I read this article on thought catalog today and I was almost in tears, not because it was badly written ( which it wasn’t) it was the fact that it was incredibly relatable. I wish I wrote this because it was me in this piece.

I must be completely cliche but there are things that have made me into the most bitter person. I am worried all the time. I have no confidence. I am never happy. I always just want to be alone. But when I am alone, I want to be with people. It’s a lose/lose situation. I miss what I used to be. I miss how easy life was. I miss how easy being with him was. I thought back then it was hard but compared to what I am doing now, it was cake.

It’s funny how when you get to know someone you see the weird  things that make them who they are. It could be as simple peeing with the door open, or sending a text because he worries about me to cutting all the food on his place before he eats it. It’s funny how there are things you hate about a person, as much as you may love them. It could be how they eat food ( I can never look at him when he eats, it grosses me out) to checking out EVERY SINGLE GIRL HE SEES. I’ve gotten used to his annoying traits, but it doesn’t mean I  don’t hate them.

If I ever stop talking to him, I wonder if I will be able to listen to music again. I wonder if I will be able to function like the girl in the article did. I wonder if I am strong enough that I can live without him.This man has watched me grow in ways noone has seen before. I became a woman in 1 short year. I was a child when I was met him. I was naive,innocent,and desperatly trying to get out of world I knew I didn’t belong.

When the time comes I will miss him. I will miss his weekly WWE Raw commentary texts every Monday night, I will miss our awkward good byes,I will miss listening to his low voice as he recites poems by Charles Bukowski. I will miss discussing ginger chicks and how much I hate them. I will miss laying next to him on his couch and feeling so safe. I will miss  his surprising texts when I miss him. But most of all, I will miss how he makes me feel. Angry,happy,sad,excited,scared,nervous,anxious,giddy,emotional,calm and relaxed all at that same time. It’s a crazy feeling and I would only describe it as love and love alone.

2:30 am rants are always fun. UGH!


Thinking of You.

Rain drops fall

From the ominous sky

I look up

And see your face

You are resting your head on your hands

Thinking, contemplating

I wonder what is going on in your thoughts

Who are you thinking about?

Him I’m sure

He’s all you think about

You can’t  think of anything

Without thinking of him

I doubt he thinks about you as much

I doubt he does at all

He should only know

That he is the only one you think about

When you close your eyes at night

He should know

That you are most comfortable

In his presence

He should know

That you will love him

No matter what.

This is what I would say to myself if I was friends with me. This is getting ridiculous.


Dating Rules: We aren’t living in the 1950’s.

After reading this ^ article, I have offically declared myself half dude. In my small nineteen years, 6 short years of it was in the dating scene. The dating scene in NOT fun at all. If you like being picked at from  under a mircoscope, the dating world is for you, but if you are like me who prefer to not be examined in and out, then the dating world is NOT for you. I am not one of those classy chicks, I guess one would call me trashy because I curse infront of my guy friends, I even curse infront of guys I am interested in. I am not going be a fake person just because I like you. Besides these Rules that are in the article, I am going to add a few more to the list.

6. Date Someone Around Your Age.: Men mature  much slower than women do. A man could be 30 and act like he is 17,18. But a woman who is 19,20 years old can act like she is 25 and it somehow it evens it all out.Men are really annoying no matter what age,but college guys are more annoying than High School boys. If you are in college and love a high schooler, it shouldn’t be frown upon. Having it be “socially accepted” is a bunch of bullshit. I think if you love someone they can be any age, any color, any size, any gender. It shouldn’t matter.

7.You Have to Bring the Guy Home: Absolutely not. When my mom was a teenager, her father would drag the guys out of the house and embarass the shit out of my mom. If they aren’t REALLY serious, and a just a “one and done” there shouldn’t be a reason that you should bring them home. I don’t think my father would drag a guy out of my house was long as they weren’t hurting me. My Dad lives in a house full of women, I think he likes the diversity, when it comes on rare occasions.

8. Wait for the Guy  to Ask You Out: In all my times of dating, I have NEVER been asked out. I have always made the first move because guys in New Jersey are little girls who are afraid of the ALMIGHTY WOMEN! We want the same you do, but girls like me, aren’t afraid to just say it. Maybe it’s an only child thing, I’ve just told my mom what I wanted. I sometimes didn’t get it, but I wasn’t afraid to tell her what I wanted. I am not afraid of guys. Guys are like chicks but their reproductive system is on the outside and they don’t get their period ( even though I know many  guys who PMS worse than me)

9.Don’t Kiss on the First Date: My mom always told me. ” Don’t ever kiss on the first date” Every first date  I’ve ever been on, I’ve always kissed them. It wasn’t like a tonsil hockey kiss, but there was always a peck or more romantic thing. You have to test them, if they aren’t a good kisser (I’ve had quiet a few of those)  than they aren’t getting a call back. Everyone has tests. My friend has a Roller Derby Date Test, but I keep mine simple. If you hate your mother, want to have sex with me the minuete after we start hanging out, and you are a terrible kisser than  you will probably never hear from me again.. and maybe if your a red head too ( don’t be offended gingers, I am just jealous of your beauty)

10.Play the Game: Fuck the Game. The Relationship Game, and having rules is a junch of bullshit. Be straightfoward because you are NOT going to get anything you want if you aren’t. If you don’t wanna have sex with them SAY NO… if  he or she is a decent human being, they will understand your wishes and respect them kindly. If you like someone just tell them, waiting around for them to figure out that you like them is the slowest most torturest process in the world. If you like someone, tell them. What is the least they are going to say “sorry I don’t like you like that, lets be friends instead” or ” your creepy” If someone calls you creepy for being straight forward, tell them that they aren’t going to get anywhere by playing childish games. It got old in 2007.

I hang out with ALOT of guys. I do this I am guessing because girls are all about the game. I am not into it. I think like this because its better to be brave and a risk taker. Then a coward and a chicken.

Everyone should read thoughtcatalog DAILY! ITS SO GREAT!!



I love you

I love you too much I think

Because every time I think of walking away from you

I get instantly pulled back into your grasp

It’s not that I don’t like being there

It’s that you deserve better.

You are afraid of commitment because

You are looking for someone

That is impossible to find.

I have found a human being inside you

That I wouldn’t be afraid

To feel for

To care for

Each and every day of my life.

The fact that I can sleep peacefully in your arms

Is something that I thought I’d never be able to do

With anyone.

People don’t understand

How I could love someone

Who doesn’t really care

But I say, you don’t know him like I do.

You don’t know how beautiful he is when he sleeps

Or how painful it is to hear him sick

Or how wonderful it feels to have his cold moist lips against yours.

Maybe if they felt this they’d understand

But I doubt they would.

May I have this Dance?

I want to lay here

Wrapped in your strong arms

Your soft skin

Your warm body.

You cling to me

As if we are 1 person

But with 2 minds.

I close my eyes gently

Your grasp weakens

You’ve slip inside a different world

Where imagination takes over.

I do the same.


I imagine we are dancing

With nothing on.

Frank Sinatra booming out of old speakers

That your cats have been ruining for years.

You hold me tight that as if

You’d let go

I would fall into the fires of hell.

I feel your slow breath against my chest

Your heart is beating quicker

I watch your eyes squint open

As you press play

On the cassette player and whisper

“May I have this dance?”