Quiet at the Bay

How has the differences divided us so?

How can you stand there when you know

You can’t turn back

 You can’t rewind.

 

Two paychecks shine in the street lamps

 And you feel the warmth draining

Out of you like blood and you are cold

Like the salt water of the bay.

 

The wind makes you feel the tears

Before they hit the cracks

 and seep into the past.

You wonder if it could have been fixed

if it could have been like every other time

where fights were resolved with cigarettes

and drugs.

 

Its your hands

the ocean is speechless and you stand there

wishing the stars could write something.

 

 

you walk

Leaving us in a small town

Littered with junk and memories

And two broken hearts.

 

Back to school, Back to writing.

Sarah.

Behind the Closed Door

He told me not to do it

But I wrapped my fingers around the doorknob

He said no, I don’t want

You to see me

Like

this.

He told me not to do it

But I wrapped my fingers around the doorknob

Because I wanted to see what

He’d do to me

If he found

Out why.

He told me not to do it

But I wrapped my fingers around the doorknob

Because I never listened

I say,

I don’t care what you look

Like.

It’s been years Jared,

Please.

I won’t judge you, you know

That.

He told me not to do it

But I wrapped my fingers around the doorknob

Because I respected him, not only as a person

But also as a friend

I say you aren’t in Iraq

So don’t be worried

Then I let go

He whimpers on the other side

Of the door, but I haven’t walked away

yet.

But I slide down the door

Waiting

For him

To call out

And willing to wait

Is worth it

And I will wait,

Will you?

Inspired by the poem BlueBird By Charles Bukowski

Here’s the link if you want to check it out

http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/bluebird/

Thank you Adele for getting me through this long night.

Another Disappointment.

“So you said you have to work tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I might have to work a double”.

“Are you kidding me?”

“No, sorry.”

“That’s all you’re going to say is sorry?”

“What do you want me to say?”

“I don’t know. Anything?”

“How many times have you ditched me in the last month?”

“I know, I know.”

“If you know, than why the hell are you doing it?”

“Court, I gotta make money.”

“But yet I pay for everything?”

“Thank you.”

“Why are you thanking me now? It’s not going change anything. I buy you everything. I don’t expect anything from you. The only thing I ask from you is to make a few hours with me, and you can’t even do that?”

“I’m just trying to figure things out; I don’t even have time for myself.”

“But yet you have to go to bar and spend the money I gave you on alcohol? Really?”

“I don’t pay for my drinks.”

“What, you fucking walk out?”

“No I have friends.”

“Oh, I’m not the only one you take advantage of?”

“Ha, don’t flatter yourself.”

“What the fuck’s that supposed to mean?”

There’s this new chick at work, Megan.”

“So, is she as much of a bitch as you?”

Even more so.

“No wonder why you like her, she is just like you.”

“I don’t like her.”

“Then why did you mention her?”

“You’re getting Psychotic.

“I am not, who the fuck is she?”

“Because she’s my friend.”

“So she buys you drinks?”

“Courtney please, I am not cheating on you. I’m not sitting at the bar spending your money. I’m  working. My life doesn’t revolve around you. You are not my top priority. You need to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around your needs. Just because you want to see me, I don’t need to jump at every single opportunity. You need to be able to live your life, and stop being so dependent on me.”

“Please, because my world revolves around you…”

“If it didn’t, than you wouldn’t have switched with three different people just so you could hang out with me.”

“You’re right.”

“ Ha,I know.”

 My try at dialogue… Sorry  I haven’t been on. I’ve been super busy! 

Have an awesome weekend everybody! 

Sarah.

The Black Widow is Dead.

Did that just happen?

Did you just try to get me back?

With pleading and crying behind a person

Who doesn’t know you

The real you I’m sure.

Your life was a spider web of lies

I’m surprised you could remember what the truth was

After all the drugs you’ve taken

You thought you were smarter than the world

But you didn’t know

That the world watched every move you made

Heard every lie you told

And they loved you anyway

Because they had hope

But after you lied to me

The one who kept all your secrets

Secured all your lies

I lost all hope

Because being a liar won’t get anywhere

And I refuse to be tangled in your web.

 

 

I’m surprised by people daily…..

Sarah.

Pushing Pedestals.

You think you’re so cool

with you’re flower in your hair and shit,

Honey please…

you aren’t as good

or even better than us.

I might not be the most attractive

but a beauty with no brains

isn’t a beauty to me.

You maybe the one he wants

because you match the “perfect woman” standards

but really.

you’re just as low and trashy

as the dirt bags who look ten times worse than you.

so in reality,

make up and flowers

cover up the filth

that cakes around your eyes.

and without that

you’re just like every low life around

so don’t put yourself on a pedestal dear

because we might push you off.

Inspired by Facebook profile pictures… and rich bitches… and maybe a little reality tv

Sarah. 

Pulling the Petals Off.

Last night I was hanging out with my friends Andrew and Sam. We usually hang out every couple weeks. I am used to seeing every week during the school year but now that its the summer, things have changed. But nonetheless, I enjoy hanging out with them. It’s funny how you meet people, complete strangers and than they turn into your friends. I was reading a blog post and the girl was talking about how amazed the “friend flower” blooms on some and not on the other.This post got me thinking after that for a while, friends are infact like flowers. Some you kill   because its too hot or some love the heat and will bloom anyway.

For my whole life, it always took me a while to get over the people who are no longer in my life. I am not the type of person who can just brush a person out of my life. If I have a bond with you, and I care about you, know I will love and appreciate you like family, and no other way.When people say I can’t get over the fact that we aren’t friends, I am over the fact we aren’t friends, I can’t get over the fact that you think that what you did was okay.

My new friends now are awesome because they get it. We all understand that our friendship may or may not stay together because we are going to all different schools but its okay because we are having fun now. It’s going to be tough for me because I care about them so much but I know if our friendship is strong enough we can atleast try to make it work.

The worst is when the people I really care about shit on me and think they are going to get away with it. I mean what makes them think “oh I’m gunna shit on Sarah today,  I don’t know why exactly, I just wanna see her cry.” Maybe I am too nice because I’ve never thought like that.

No matter how nice you are, everyone has a dark side. I know for a fact I do. With my creative mind I come up with things I wish I did, things I could say when I’m mad. People should be put in their place, and not many people do that anymore. In everyones life, they have one of those moments where they think they are all that, but really in this fucked up world we live in, everyone is the same.

People are fucked up in this world and its a shame..

Sarah.

Get Off The Road.

I think I starting to develop a bit of road rage….

This afternoon I was driving home from work and a woman passed me on the right and rode the shoulder to cut me off. #1 Riding the shoulder is illegal( I just got a ticket, I know) and #2 you shouldn’t pass someone on the right, as long as they turning left on a side street,  then that’s fine. But I was turning right so thats illegal.. Since getting my ticket for riding the shoulder a little over a week ago, I have been extra cautious driving. I hate cops, I can’t deal with cops so if I don’t do anything wrong, I won’t have to  deal with them. New Jersey cops aren’t the nicest people in world and espically to teenagers, they are even worse. Even though I am 19 and barely a teenager, they still look at me as an inexperienced driver.

So anyway going back to this woman, As I was driving behind her, I decided I was going to follow her because I thought it was wrong and I was already slightly aggraviated for another stupid reason that doesn’t really matter but why not add fuel to the fire, shall we? Anyway so I pulled into the parking lot she pulled into ( a  church, ironically) I rolled down the window and started to explain to her ( between calling her an asshole) that she was wrong and that noone was going to cut me off and that her actions were illegal and that she was lucky that I didn’t call the cops. She didn’t care, and insulted my car, and my driving expereince ( because grown adults drive sooo much better..) I called her more than asshole a couple more times and zoomed out of the parking lot. 

After leaving the church, I was shaking I was so mad. I have never been so mad at a stranger just because of their driving. Every once in a while when I am mad at the drivers for going to slow or cutting me off,  I scream at the people but not directly at that. But I know I will not be forgotten today. When I got home, I was mad and I told my mom what happened. She told me that people could be crazy and pull guns out and kill you, but I find that hard to believe. 

Some people shouldn’t be able to get their drivers license…ever. 

Sarah. 

 

Life Goes On…

 It’s funny how over time people seem to fade  in and out of your life for a variety of reasons. It could be as dramatic as huge fights and tears but sometimes, it can be as simple as just growing up and moving on with life.

The other day one of my friends from High School got really upset because I’ve decided that I was going to stop making an effort to see them. They think its going to be same when they come back home from college, its really not. Life doesn’t stop just because you are away from home.

I’ve talked to my other friends who go to Brookdale with me and they said it’s the same with them. After their friends came back from College, they weren’t the same and they weren’t as fun as they remember. I agree 100%. I still talk to a few but the bond I had with those people is no longer there.

I am not saying that I am going to drop all my friends just for my college friends, it doesn’t work like that. But it’s the fact that you change the first year  of college. You think you are now older and more mature. I honestly think I’ve changed a lot since high school. I am disgusted with who I was in high school. I was annoying and immature and didn’t really care about life. I cared about having a good time with pot heads and druggies and not about my future at all. I didn’t know what I wanted to be. I thought whoever didn’t drink was boring and weird and anyone who thought I was weird was even weirder than me. I would sing punk rock music and dance in the hallways because I didn’t care. I wouldn’t be caught dead doing those things now.

A year ago I went back to my middle school to pick up one of my friends brothers. I ran into one from my old teachers and we started talking. He hadn’t seen me in 5 years and he was surprised how much I changed. But he told me something and I won’t ever forget. I was embarrassed of myself for the first time. He said, “You know Sarah, you were such a bitch in school. I’m glad you’ve changed.” I will never forget #1 having my teacher call me a bitch, I wasn’t an asshole to that particular teacher, but teachers talk and #2 that my actions are so unforgettable.

These people need to understand that life goes on. People change. I don’t hate people if I don’t talk to you, I just am not going make an effort. The phone works two ways, if you aren’t going to make an effort, why should I? 

Sarah.