Goodbye FDU… for now.

Well as the semester comes to a close, I giggled at the post under this one. Oh how far I’ve come from that. I’ve grown so much in the last few months that I’ve even surprised myself with my ability to be happy without the ones I love around. It’s crazy but I don’t really want to go home now. I love it here so much and I know I’ll come back but the fact that I made it, got through the first semester and did well is so accomplishing. I’ve made so many friends and contacts in the last couple months that now Andrew and I have made The FDU creative writing club and we together are rocking the world here. People look up to us, amazed by everything that we know. I don’t know why the  last few days I’ve been getting so emotional over leaving here because I know I’ll be back. There were times here that I was at my lowest but there were times I’ve  figured out that its okay to get sloppy and be yourself and  wear cheetah pajamas and open up to people you were so afraid  to open up with before. I can honestly say that all my good times and bad  start with the sentence “Andrew and I were…” and I think how different it would be if he wasn’t here. As an only child, this semester showed me what it was like to have a sibling, that person you see every day have the majority of meals with, and that you wake up to (sort of) . That person who you bicker with or tell that they are your best friend when you are drunk. I honestly don’t think I could have gotten through this semester without him and I am so grateful he is here.

As the semester comes to a close, well today. I can honestly say that I am so looking forward coming back  I already miss the sounds of the trains coming through campus all night and the planes that fly so low that I can see the small windows on the sides… and the birds, the birds that chirp at 4 in the god damn morning. Next semester  I already have a roommate (that I like! ) and I will be ruling this school just like I ruled brookdale, but better. I am already News Editor for the Newspaper, The president of a Creative Writing Club that didn’t exist when I got here and working right along side with the Head of the Creative Writing Department in a paid internship. As I start cleaning out my room I remember how cold this room felt when I first moved in and how poorly I felt about myself and my surroundings, and how I  felt like I was sleeping in someone else’s room. Now we no longer do homework in the laundry room and I don’t drink beer. We study in MY room and we drink honey wine and listen to Mozart.  I’m not a random anyone, I’m taking over the world.

 

Starting Over.

Hi everyone,

Well I haven’t been on this in a really long time and so much as happened. I am writing from the glorious Fairleigh Dickinson University laundry room where I am having a beer ( THAT I PURCHASED!!) listening to Andrew’s 90’s getting laid playlist on his Pandora. I haven’t been home in almost two weeks, and I really hate it. I am so sad but this is the decision I chose. I know it was the right decision but being here makes me think too much which makes me question what I  am doing . Yeah, you can imagine how much that sucks. In my lonely times I watch Awkward ( which is an amazing MTV show that I feel like is controlling my life) and while I watch people who don’t really want to get to know me walk back to their rooms,I question if I belong here.My time at Brookdale was amazing. I ran that school more than I thought I did and I wonder if I should run FDU as well or if I should sit in the passenger seat here as well. My relationship with Paul is okay, things have changed a lot but its something that is going work or its not and I am not going to be the one who makes that decision, that’s fates job.

I wonder if fate can just control my life because people keep telling me that everything is happening for a reason but I wonder if I should jump at every opportunity or just focus on my studies instead of worrying about making friends and making a representation of myself. On the other hand with having no friends besides Andrew here, I am so lonely. I know how it feels to have a great support system, a pretty large group of people who backed me up and supported me in everything I do, and Andrew was one of them. I am so happy he is here but at times I need my space and I need other friends and that’s something and that no one wants to be around here, my friend.My aunt told me I need to meet 1 friend a week and I just am too tired to do that. I don’t want to make an effort because I put 115% percent in Brookdale and I HATE starting over. I’ve been here for almost a month and I’ve only made 2 friends. I don’t have a social problem, these people don’t like outsiders and I am definitely an outsider…. actually, I am a random.

Sarah

Preparing for Change.

I always wondered what it would be like to just one day, pack up all your things and leave and not even turn around to say goodbye.Last night Paul and I were talking about the coming months and for the first time ever in my life I was scared. I wasn’t scared because more time is passing and I am getting older, I was scared because in 6 months I will be leaving home for the first time to live on my own. Granted, I’ll be living in a dorm with a complete stranger but to me, It will be as close to being alone as I’ve ever gotten. I’ve been away from home before, like on vacation but I always came back to something familiar after a week of being gone but being away at school is not just a week, its months at a time.

I won’t be very far though, only 45mins away, but it is different. not being able to come home grab my clothes and go down the street to Paul’s will be strange. Not seeing my mom everyday or atleast being able to pop in at Acmoore or wherever she may be will be difficult.

Ive never been afraid of change. When I was younger I’d change my hair constantly. I never cried when they chopped It off because I’d know it would grow back in a few months and I’d be back in the salon getting it chopped off again. But In the last few years I was afraid of what fate will give me. What god thinks I can handle.I don’t want to miss out on a thing but I also want to be my own person and see what I want to see with the people I want to be with . I know these next few months will be preparing months and months after will be hard but if life was easy, no one would be pushing themselves to be better and I know I want to be better then I am today.

My Thoughts in the Library.

While sitting in the Library today, I’ve been observing some people around me. I wouldn’t call it stalking, I would call it observing. There is a difference in the writing world you know.. All you can hear in the library is the tapping of fingers to keys; imagination flowing through the air like the wind. It’s kind of incredible if you just sit in the library and pretend to work, what you can learn.

 while sitting here I’ve realized a few things. The most stressful things about college isn’t even the work, its more the atmosphere. If I was home right now, the feeling of doing my homework would be on the lower end of the list of priorities than it would be if I stayed at the library all day long. While at the library, I try to keep my mind in order. I have to follow my life schedule to a tee or else nothing is going to get done. Sitting in the library is not relaxing  at all. It’s like they are timing you.. the librarians I mean. It’s like they are looking over your shoulder towering over you telling you that you must work until your fingers fall off your hands. I am not speed typing, but the clock is spinning here… I am wasting my time here; doing work that needs to get done in order for me to move on with my life.

I’ve also realized that the computers at the library is a crucial part of the library.. for the students at the computer, its like they are in their own little cubical.. I asked someone for a pen, nothing; no response.. It’s like they are so involved in their computer so much  that they are in a completely different dimension. It’s fascinating. Then there are the people like myself who need to go on Facebook, Twitter and every single social networking site in the world before they actually get shit done. You need to check in with the world before you can shut it out.. I completely understand that.

Then there is this girl in front of me that is having a tantrum on her math book, flipping through the pages intently, trying to find the right page. Then scribbling something down in a notebook; then looking back to her computer, then scribbling more down. That I call Panic student. I have been that before.. for finals or when you have to get an entire research paper done in 1 day or a few hours.

Peoples studying techniques are all very different and interesting.. some don’t even study at all and get wonderful grades. Thats always amazed me. How in the hell can you remember everything in the world ontop of remembering everything else about your life. At times I cant remember simple math because I have so much other shit going on in my brain.

I’m leaving the library, to go to the gym.. and that’s a whole different group of people to observe.

sarah.

Where to Go Next?

So I found out the other day that I am going to be getting my associates in the spring and I am excited yet terrified at the same time. in 1 year I’ll be on my own. It’s extremely overwhelming. I am going to be leaving my friends, family and everything I’ve ever known and probably not coming back. Every time I think or talk about it I start crying. When I was in High School, I didn’t go to a four year school because I didn’t think I was ready to leave home. I was not the adult I am now 2 years ago. I was still a kid and I never could have imagined being self sufficient at 18 years old. Even though I’m only 19, 18 to 19 is a really big step, it was for me especially. Now that I am almost 20 years old ( ew that sounds ancient) I think even though I may not be psychically ready to leave home, I know mentally I can do it. 

As an only child I got many perks. I never had to share a room. My room is and has been my own room for my entire life. It’s going to be very weird living with someone I just met. You have to trust them not to steal your stuff while you’re in class. That would be the one thing that would scare me. I think I would have to get a safe because after living in the neighborhood I have been living in my whole life, you trust no one and no one trusts you. I don’t know how that whole roomie thing is going to work out.

Also, not having a car I know for me is going to be a huge problem. I don’t know how these college do it without a car. I heard that some people can’t bring cars if they are first years. I don’t know because I am a transfer student that I would be considered a first year. I will go into anxiety mode, I know so. If I didn’t have a way to go home even if it meant days worth of driving, at least I  would have the oppurtunity and the ability  to if I really needed. 

I am just worried about this moving away from home thing. I have a tight group of friends, I have a guy, my home, my family, my heart is here. It’s really scary leaving. I am the only one out of my family that even considered leaving. My uncle left when he was my age, but he came back. I don’t know if I am coming back. I know I am going somewhere I love but what if I get there and hate it? This is one of the biggest decisions of my life. I thought the last 2 years was difficult but now that I have to leave everything I know go somewhere that I don’t know.. It’s hell of alot more difficult. 

I have to take one step at a time.. its just crazy and overwhelming. 

Sarah. 

 

 

Art on the Walls

In all my life I never understood graffiti. I never understood it because it wasn’t a picture.there  wasn’t a scene and to me it didn’t have point. It was just words smushed together on wall and apparently it was a “tag” like someones signature. My signature,John Hancock or whatever you wanna call it  looks nothing like the picture above. This picture was taken in my school stairwell. Mind you this a public community college where you are not permitted to be writing on the walls let alone writing your “tag” on anything. Didn’t your mother tell you not to write on the walls. People these days still don’t listen.

Last semester while in my speech class I listened to a speech all about graffiti and it made me respect the art form even more.There was this boy in New York city and he would tag anything he can in the city. He was the first person to really make it popular. He wasn’t a gangster he was nerdy artisty kid who liked to express himself. Than, people started doing it all the time and now grafettit is now pretty socially accepted. Back  in the 70’s they had to ban grafetti and whoever got caught was put in jail. It got so bad that you couldn’t even tell if it was a train or not because so many tags would be on it

Now people aren’t graffiting too much but its still out there in the world. It’s now turned into an art form that people appreciate. I’m starting to understand too.

sarah .

Patience is Stronger than Love.

So the other day I was talking to my friend Mike about his relationship with his girlfriend. His girlfriend is from Brazil and they have been together for a little over six months. They are really cute together and I think he really loves her. It’s funny when you look at someone who is already in love and see the similarities and differences you have with them even though the feeling you both have for a different person is the same. He was telling me how at times he is unsure if he wants to stay with her when things get rough. She is a little older than him and sometimes she worries about the future will hold for both of us. My friend doesn’t think in the future, he only thinks in the moment, so he doesn’t really worry about those kinds of things. I guess living in the moment is a kind of good thing because you don’t have to worry about whats going to happen. I always have to have a game plan so living in the moment is not for me.

But as we were talking, he was explaining to me his relationship with him and his girlfriend. He does cute things for her like surprise her and show up at her house without notice. How him and her have movies weekends and they go to the movies all the time. She teaches Portuguese and he loves it. It’s being with a foreign chick thing. I’ve never been with someone who wasn’t american and I don’t think I’d know what to do if I was with a foreign person. But anyway, they do their own thing and its so cute.

But during our conversation, he said something that really got me thinking. He said that he doesn’t leave her because she is so good to him. He said he wasn’t ever going find someone who understands him like she does. I immediately thought of Scottie, of course. At times, I think that I deserve so much better than I have but at other times I don’t think that anyone would understand me like he does.Even though he’s crazy I enjoy how stupid and ridiculous he is. If he wasn’t a nerd or didn’t have conversations to his friends saying things like “No, I don’t want to be a Jedi” I don’t think I would like him. He would be boring, and I really really hate boring people.

People come into your life for a reason. It may teach you things like Portuguese or maybe its an even bigger lesson of patience. While being with Scottie, I have learned to be extremely patient because I would have already turned into a crazy bitch if I wasn’t patient.Patience is a virtue. It takes practice to be calm all the time. If I didn’t practice I would be disappointed and I would be selfish and crazy.

After a long night of changed plans dinner alone, I have learned that in life you just have to roll with what gives you. If tonight was meant for the gym and Keeping up with the Kardashians, than I guess  so be it.

Sarah.

What NOT to Do on the First day of School.

So Today was the first day of school and I must say it went much better than expected. I got free coffee, I got to see my friends, I joined the gym, and actually got things together for the club fair that is happening next Tuesday.I got alot accomplished in my 6 hr day. It was incredible. But as I was sitting in the cafeteria with my friends today, I was looking at all the new student Brookdale students and wondered what they were feeling. When I first started Brookdale,I was very shy. I didn’t really know what my clique was going to be. I now have my clique that consists of all guys and I am perfectly content with that. But as I was looking all the new students, I was thinking how much they were embarrassing themselves so I made a wrote a few rules and regulations for the first day of school. Hope you enjoy it, Freshmen this one is for you :)

1. Do not wear funky clothes if you don’t want to be  categorized: For all the judgmental people (like myself) in the world,clothing is a big factor. I look at peoples clothing very carefully.Today for my first day, I made sure I wore something  that really defined my style. It was classy and fun ( a nice top and shorts and black flats) The first day of school is all about impressions. Save your Andy Warhol Marilyn Monroe dress for a later date, hunny.

2. Don’t just randomly start talking to someone you don’t know about your summer: I can’t tell you how many strangers talked to me today. I was kind, which is surprising, but I was curious to why they were talking to me.I wasn’t creeped out shockingly, but, I was with a group of 5 guys, and yet they picked me of all the students in Brookdale to talk to? I should be flattered I guess,their experiences are good writing material.

3. Don’t constantly look at the map: Looking at those damn maps make you  look like a tourist. This is not orientation children, this is the real thing. I’m not gunna lie and say I didn’t use the map once or twice in the beginning, but it I was never  walking around with my map spread out in my hand. All you need is a visor and a fanny pack and you’re in Disney.

4.Don’t ask the Teachers if you can be excused: One guy in my class asked the teacher to go to the bathroom in class today. I found it really cute and sad at the same time. I never realized how prison -like high school was. I had to ask to go to the fucking bathroom? Are you kidding? I couldn’t eat or drink in class? I know we come here to learn but really, if we need a bottle water or a coffee in class we should be  allowed to have it. The guy will learn in time, but its really awesome to finally be able to not announce to the world you have your period or you have to pee. It’s noones business, especially the teachers, when my bottley functions need to come out of me.

5. Don’t be late for class: Always be early on the first day of class. It helps you set the tone for the rest of the school year. The teacher will be under the impression that you are there willing and eager to learn. I know most of you will sleep in your classes by the third week, but that teacher will remember the first day and will remember you have determination and motivation in you, even if you fake it.

6.Don’t just stand in the middle of hall and look around if your confused: This isn’t a funeral procession. People who actually know where they going need to get to class in an orderly fashion, and yet people just stand there and look around like the tile walls is going to help them get to their classes. Ask someone, or better yet, sit down and map your classes out, being prepared helps.

7. Don’t get your books on the first day of school: Speaking of being prepared, always before school, look for the books you may need. Getting them on amazon will most likely be a hell of alot cheaper than going to the overpriced bookstore. You also don’t have to stand on that horrendously long line and seeing half your graduating class on the line with you.

Hope these Rules Helped or will help next year!

Have a great Year!

Sarah!

A Letter to my High School Self.

Dear High School Self,

You should have had a thicker guard.You shouldn’t have let so many people take advantage of you, no matter how much you cared. You should have looked  for someone different, instead of going back to someone who was comfortable. He was too slow for you and you knew it. You shouldn’t have hurt him the way you did because karma is a bitch and she got you pretty good.

You shouldn’t have looked so desperate when she walked away. You should have embraced the people who really cared instead of focusing on her. As much as she knew, she wasn’t worth your pain.She didn’t deserve you anyway, she was an asshole who thought she was better than everyone else. You know you are much better than her,and will get much further in life than her. She may have sisters but you atleast have a family that gives a shit about what you do or who you meet.

You shouldn’t have been so jealous. Just because he liked your best friend and not you, doesn’t give you the right to try to make out with him while she was away on vacation. It came back to bite you in the ass 5 years later and it killed you. You weren’t blonde and obnoxious, and that’s  what he wanted I guess. He was fat and gross anyway, you could have done so much better, and have.

You should have hung out with kids your own age. Hanging out with those little kids wasn’t safe. It held you back from going off into the world of maturity. They made you afraid of the outside world because they weren’t going to stand beside you. You should have kicked them to the side, they were holding you back.

You were better than the white trash you lived around and yet you still associated yourself with them. You could really have gotten in trouble  if he didn’t pull you out in time. Who’s know where you would be if he wasn’t there to drag you out of that scummy basement and into his arms.

That cap and gown have faded and you are now not the same person. Middletown High School North was a place of learn and finding my way. I know as a college self  now where its safe to stand, and I’m standing on solid ground now.

To my High School Self, It was fun while it lasted, but you are too young for my style now.

sarah.

Back to September.

I’ve never felt this way about the coming fall before.

I’ve never been so excited about school in my entire life. I remember when I was little I dreading labor day weekend because even though it was going to be fun, it meant I was going to back to school and  school meant concentration camp and I wasn’t feeling it. I would always dread seeing my friends in the school environment where we couldn’t talk at any moment we wanted because a teacher was telling us useless information that I frankly still do not remember. But this year is so different, I have been itching to go back to school. I cannot wait to see all my friends and see how their summer went. I can’t wait to meet new people and learn new information that I actually will remember.

I remember my first day of college. I walked into my class and I thought I wasn’t going to meet anyone. I missed my friends so much because they were away at school and I couldn’t get over the fact that I wasn’t going see them until November.But now, I have weeded out the friends who really don’t matter and kept the ones that I truly care about. This time last year  I wasn’t ready to become an adult and I think I am a completely different person now than I was back then. If I could talk to my last year self I would warn her of the troubles the year was going to bring, and always remember the good times, because there was going to be alot of them.

At this moment, I actually am content with ways things are going. I have a pretty decent group of friends. I have a guy who’s alright most of the time. I got a job, that I hopefully am going to love,I think I am on the right track. But I always think, something is going to happen because life is going so well. Life shouldn’t be this perfect. I hope life stays like this for a while, bumps in the road are unnecessary.

School Starts next week… I really can’t wait!

sarah.