Mama’s Son.

She stands there

Leaning in the doorway of your bathroom


Thinking of the next thing to say

But she looks at you


You look up at her


Because that’s all you know.


Tears rolled down her cheeks

Because she doesn’t know


She would do without you.

You giggle

Splashing the toy

Under the warm water.


She picks you up

Your shaking body against hers

Wet hair falling

 on her shoulder

Pulling warm clothes

Over wet skin

You cry

Pulling socks over

Your small feet


She kisses you

You hug her

Because you don’t know what

you would do

Without her.


So tonight I babysat my cousin’s kids while my other cousin Christina got married. Since we are second cousins,I wasn’t invited to the wedding but it was okay. Instead, I babysat and made money which wasn’t really as bad as I thought it was going to be. While I was sitting there however, I was thinking about children and imagining these kids as my own ( I couldn’t) and realizing I do not have the patience to have kids of my own. It wasn’t that these kids were bad. They were actually really awesome, it was just that I personally couldn’t do it every single day of my life. So I made a list of reasons why I will never have children. If I ever got pregnant accidently ( don’t worry family, I am a proud user of birth control) I would have to do what I had to do, but I give the 16 yr old moms credit. That would NEVER be me. 

1. If you want a drink/ food get it yourself: I have babysat for other kids that weren’t my family and I HATED that I had to do EVERYTHING for the kids. First of all, if you’re 10 you know how to pour a glass of milk. I DO NOT need to do it for you. Second of all, I have no idea where your shit is in your house. You are not a guest, get it yourself. If I was babysitting someone younger I would understand, but if your old enough to play an xbox by yourself, you can pour a glass of milk like a champ. I also have this on my list is because I know its a pain in the ass to cook someone else food instead of yourself. My mom sometimes makes me breakfast before I have to go to school and sometimes she won’t even get to eat herself. When I was little, my mom would make me breakfast and I wouldn’t eat it because I hated eating in the morning. Like, you just wasted your time, and you feel like an asshole for wasting time in the first place. 

2.After the First 2000 times watching a movie, I think it should be burned : I watched this little kid once and all he wanted to watch was Cars. He would fall asleep to the Cars movie. he had cars everything. Everytime I babysat him it was Cars,Cars,Cars. How many time can you watch the same movie without it getting boring and repetitive. Tonight I watched every single episode of a TV animated series I thought my eyes were going to bleed. When my cousin was little was it was a toss up between a few movies so they wouldn’t get stale atleast. But the same movie every single day or for hours at a time… its eye ripping material.

3.This is a no whining zone: I know when I was little I was the queen of the whining zone. I would always whine when I didn’t get my way ( Yes, I was one of those kids) but as I am getting older, whining is the most annoying sound in the whole wide world. While I was working the other night, these two kids were whining to their mom because she wasn’t going to buy their stuff because they were being bad. Be happy you have a mother who can buy you things, some kids don’t that at all. Some kids don’t even know their actual parents. Kids should be happy they were brought into the world.. They should lucky they were even brought into this world and stop bitching.Your nasely annoying voice isn’t going to change anyone’s decision. 

4.  My Career is more Important: Even though I can babysit kids, I know I can go home to a quiet house with no kids and no distractions. I don’t know how I would be able to be a writer and have kids. Actually, I wouldn’t be a writer because it would be too much work.Having a kid to me ruins careers. I need calmness and quiet in my life. I’ve grown up without younger brothers and sisters, so having two kids running around is not something I am interested in participating in.

5.I will not Spend my Money on Useless Toys: I’ve come to realize that Toys R Us is a store for assholes who want to spend there money irresponsibly. Who in their right mind would take their child to a toy store so they can spend an astronomical amount of money on toys they will grow out of? That will cause dust, clutter. Toys that will end up in attack 10 yrs later? I have better things to spend my money on. 

6. I’m too Selfish: Even though I give things to people, I am very selfish. I like my time. I like my routine, my schedule. I like to able to go to the gym whenever I want. To be able to go out till late hours of the night, to able to spend my days at school or hanging out with friends. When you have a child, your life stops. You now have worry about getting a babysitter or asking your mother who has already worked 12 yrs to watch the baby. It’s just a pain the ass. I don’t want to have to worry about paying for DayCare and a babysitter whenever I was to go somewhere. I can take of just me, and not anyone else. 

7. I won’t be a good mother: For all mothers I assume, while you’re pregnant, you are afraid if you will be a good mom and before the first 18 years, you don’t figure that out.My mother did a fantastic job with me. I think I am  a pretty good person with good morals. I am like both my parents, but I think my mother gave me the foundation on being a really great person because my mom is a good person herself. I don’t think I would be a good mom because I would not let them do anything I did. I wouldn’t want them to go through all the shit I have gone through. If it was painful for me, I wouldn’t want my child to go through that too. I would be like my mom in a way that I would give my children space, but also I would be a little more sheltered because I would be afraid of the world. If the world sucks now, then in 10 yrs its going to suck even more and I won’t know what to do. 


In 10 yrs things may change. Maybe by 29 I will be ready to have a baby but at 19 or anytime in the next 5 yrs is out of the question entirely. I just started to be able to really take care of myself. I couldn’t imagine taking care of someone else too.. It looks impossible in my eyes. You should still be a kid you’re teens and 20’s, not be having baby’s at 16-17. You are still a baby yourself. 


I will not babysitting for a while, but tonight was pretty inspiring.


Why I am Never Having Children.

Stiff Suits and Prayers (Revised)

He came in a stiff black suit. Sipping my coffee, I watched him as he scanned the room for me. He looked really out of place as little kids with syrup dripping from their chins and old people with Velcro shoes and canes walked past him.  Loud noises echoed the crowded diner as he walked past families together; husbands with wives holding hands and sharing toast. I wasn’t sure why he wanted to meet a diner; his office was just up the street. He looked serious as he firmly held his briefcase in his left hand. I wasn’t going to question his suggestions.

“You must be Coran Stevens?”He said walking in my direction.

“Steven Spencer. Nice to meet you.”  I nodded as I stood up and shook his hand.  His hand was firm as he squeezed my limp, small fingers. He didn’t smile. No warmth, no comfort. I wasn’t surprised though; lawyers weren’t the nicest people in the world. Sitting down, he ordered a coffee and a toasted bagel with cream cheese as if it were programmed. The waitress smiled as she quickly scribbled in her notebook.

“Anything for you Miss?” The waitress chirped in my direction

“No thanks.”

“Okay, thank you,” she grabbed the rest of the menus that were lying on the clean table and walked quickly away.

“So let’s get down to business, shall we?” I nodded as he lifted the shiny black leather briefcase onto the crisp white table. I crossed my legs tight as he pulled packet after packet of paper out of the briefcase.

“You need Doug to sign this line, this line, and this line before anything can be finalized,” He ordered as I followed his finger jump to each page. “You have children right?” I nodded. “If you want full custody of them you must read and sign the next three pages.” Stacy and Jeremy didn’t understand why I did this, but all they knew it had to be done. They were too young to understand and I was too old to explain. I was overwhelmed with emotion as he shuffled through the papers quickly. It wasn’t that I was rethinking my decision; it was just a lot more paper work than I thought. The thought of partly signing my kids away was something that I never in a million years thought I would do.  I sipped my coffee as he continued to go on about the legal things that I didn’t understand. I looked down at my phone where my kids happy faces stared back at me. His phone started to ring in the pocket of his jacket interrupting him in mid sentence, pulling me back to reality.

“If you will excuse me” He said, as he slid out of the booth and walked over to the door.   I looked down at the many papers lying before me. It was as if all the letters were mushed together making it hard for me to read. I could over hear him laughing, it was the most emotion that I had seen all morning come out of him.  I wondered who was on the other end; I wonder if he was mocking my patheticness.  He smiled as he leaned against the front door. Maybe it was his wife, it probably was; I could see it in his eyes. I ran my fingers through my long braided hair and sighed, looking out the window into the beaming sun.

“More Coffee, Miss?” The waitress asked walking in my direction. I nodded as she poured more piping hot coffee into my cold cup.

“Sorry about that, business call” He said as he walked back to our booth. I grinned, looking back down my future, these papers. I rested my head on my hand as I felt the color melt out of my face.

“You sure you want to do this?” He asked, sounding almost comforting.

“There is no other choice Mr. Spencer. If there was I would be doing it.” He nodded looking down at the papers.

“Do you think he will sign them?”

“Does he have a choice?” I looked down and wondered what if he didn’t sign them. What if he kept locked in this nightmare forever. I pulled my sleeves down on my shirt and looking up at him.

I wouldn’t worry Miss Stevens; men don’t usually fight against the woman. I nodded. We drank more coffee and by the fourth cup, I thought it was time for me to leave.

“Is there anything else to do?” I asked

“All that’s left to do is for you and Doug to sign the papers than we will have a meeting to discuss what’s next from here.”

“Thank you Mr. Spencer. I will keep in touch I said grabbing my purse as I slid out of the booth.

“Please, call me Steve. “He said grabbing my hand. “Look, everything is going to be fine. I try to make this process go quickly as possible.” He smiled as he let go of my hand.

“Thank you Mr. Spencer for your comfort but I think I am okay. I am doing whatever I can make it easy for my kids, so the quicker all this shit gets done the happier I will be.” I said swinging my bag over my shoulder, feeling a little taken aback.

“Nice meeting you Miss Stevens. We will keep in touch.” He said not moving from his seat.I got up and grabbed the papers off the table and shoved them in my oversized bag.

“You too, Mr. Spencer. Thank you again.” I waved as I walked out the door. As I got in my car, I wondered how many heartbroken women Mr. Spencer sees a day and if they always meet at that diner. I wondered if Mr. Spencer had a wonderful wife and tried to make his marriage successful. I wondered if Mr. Spencer was always that touchy with his clients; or if I was an exception. I drove away from the diner not looking back as the paperwork became my passenger.

So after some critiques I revised this a little. Let me know what guys think.


Magical Wands

When I was little, my mom would read me bedtime stories every night. It was our thing; our bonding time. In a way it taught me how to read by just listening to her voice.   While she read, she would give each of the characters a different voice and it made it more realistic for me. The books that I remember the most were the Harry Potter series.  My mom and I together read books 1-4 and enjoyed every single one of them. As she was reading the books, I became so into the characters and the book itself. I started to dress up and think I could cast spells and other things. I remember I asked my mom if I could go to Hogwarts instead of school that fall. Instead of sending me to Hogwarts, she signed me up for a Harry Potter camp at Poricy Park.

I remember for my first day of camp I wore my Harry Potter cloak and hat that my aunt made me.  It had the characters all over it and it was a royal blue with gold trim. I wasn’t the only one doing this. At 6 years old, we weren’t out to impress. I walked into the science center where the faculty decorated the room just like the Great Hall and stared in pure amazement .Everything was glittery and the house banners were hanging from the walls. It was a small group of us. We were all about 6 or 7 years old and so excited to be there. After the official greeting, we had to be sorted into a house. I was hoping I would get in Gryffindor but it didn’t matter, I liked all of them but Slytherin. We all went up to the talking hat, just like it was in the book,and was assigned a house. I was put in Gryffindor. Hermione was my favorite character and she was also in Gryffindor, so that was pretty cool.

After everyone got sorted into their houses we walked to the woods on the grounds. They were trying to replicate the Forbidden Forest. We had to meet Hagrid. Hagrid was my mom’s favorite character. He lived right outside the forbidden forest in a small hut. Right before entering the woods, there was a wooden hut. A man with a beard walked out of it and greeted us as Hagrid. He told us before we entered the forest; we had to make our wands. With medium sized sticks, we were asked to decorate our wands. We all piled into the hut where there were small desks with stickers, glitter and paint waiting for us. We each grabbed a stick and went to our work station. My stick was a little shorter than the others but I didn’t care, this was my wand. I covered it in silver and pink glitter. Glitter was not only covering the wand, it was also covering me.

As we waited for our wands to dry, Hagrid told us about the dangers of Forbidden Forest and how evil lurks there. I remember from the books that Harry faced many troubles in the Forbidden Forest but he always got out alive, so I was confident I would too. With our glittery wands in hand we walked single file into the forest. I had been in Poricy part woods before, but being in my costume with my wand made seem it like I was transformed into the book. We had to find acorns and stuff or the potions we were going to make and other sticks back at the hut later in the day. We had to collect our things but also watch out for the weeping willow or other dark magic lurking in the forest. I clenched onto my pink wand thinking it could actually work, like it could protect me.

I still have my wand in my night stand. I must sound ridiculous even keeping the old glittery stick, but it’s always there, for my protection and a wonderful memory.

*I had to do an assignment for my creative writing class about an artifact I still have. I still am a Harry Potter nerd. I still love Hermione and I still have my cloak,hat and wand.*


Classy, Never Trashy.

Today I was thinking back to my High School days and I must say, being in college is a hell of alot harder mentally than high school. In high school you don’t think about money, a job, gas, ways to get financial aid and all that shit. Your biggest concern is whether or not you’re going to have a date to the prom. I was talking to my old friend Stephanie a couple of days ago and she was catching me up on her life because I hadn’t seen in her god knows when. She was telling me all about these guys who liked her and all this shit. She was going on and on about how much her life is wonderful and her boyfriend is wonderful but she isn’t sure if he’s cheating on her and blah blah blah. As I was continuing to listen, I was realizing that her life has absolutely NO substance. She has no troubles in her life but yet she is still trying to find out something bad in her wonderful situation. Granted, sometimes when my life begins to turn awesome, I am waiting and in some ways hoping something shitty happens because life isn’t suppose to be awesome all the time.

I was watching Keeping up with the Kardashians for many hours yesterday and I noticed that they blow the littlest things completely out of proprotion. Like just because Khole isn’t hanging out with you, doesn’t mean she hates you. I don’t know why I watch that show besides that I was waiting for Sex and the City to come on after and there was nothing else on. Reality TV is stupid, like how can you become famous by having a camera man follow you around in your pj’s?

I don’t think I’d want to be a TV personality. I wouldn’t want every single detail of my life aired on national television. There are somethings in my life that I would much rather keep private. I don’t even like when people watch me fight or if I’m fighting in public, its just embarrassing. People don’t have any class anymore.

Living in my neighborhood, I’ve realized that people DO NOT have class at all. They’d rather walk around with no bra on and mow the front lawn than to actually look decent in public. I don’t cut the lawn, I actually don’t have much lawn but if I did,I would atleast put a bra on.

People should present themselves better, maybe they’ll actually get treated with respect.


Summer so Far.

As August has become pretty solid,I look back on the last three months with triumphs. I have accomplished more this summer than I have ever had during any other summer. Before the start of college, my summer consisted of sleeping,the pool and friends. Now, I have a job, I took summer classes, I actually have a schedule, my internet usage has been decreased astronomically and I’m actually do something with my time instead of sleep through it. 

This summer has gone by so slow but in a really good way. I really have looked at my life in a completely different light. I’ve realized that life is too short to be not doing something that you love. If it means not having alot of money in your pockets than so be it. I got through 3 months being unemployed and was perfectly fine. People should once and while step back and take a look around because they are missing out on picture perfect memories by being stressed.

This summer has also showed me that no matter how much you may not think so, you can be independent and seek out new people with no problem. When my friends from High School came back from college, I was excited to see some but most of them… not so much. It wasn’t like we were a tight knit group. I enjoyed my time with my high school friends but life goes on and people grow up and they aren’t the people you knew before college.My friend Alexis left to go to camps and as much as I miss her, there is sometimes that I enjoy just having my alone time. This summer was my alone time. I made sure I got things done with no distractions.Now that everyone is either coming back or leaving, I feel like my solitude time is over but it was well spent.

I’ve learned alot of lessons about love and friendship in this short summer. You may realize that even the strongest friendships have some cracks and the not so good friendships can be improved with much time and patience. People’s actions have taught me about people in ways I never knew before.

I watch my life flashing before my eyes and I wonder if I will remember this moment, this day. this week? I hope I do because I am learning about myself just by the actions and the goals around me. It is shaping me into the woman I will soon become.

Have a blessed Sunday



To Be a Kid Again.

For my summer job, I am a bus aid for a summer school in my town. I am on the bus with 12 pre schoolers. Boy have they made me stay young. Some are autistic but they try to talk to me. I feel so bad for them because I know they didn’t want to be born like this and they want to be like everyone else.

These children make me laugh alot. They think I am so cool because I am older, I think they are cool because they are younger because they have a whole life to live. I doubt they will ever remember me when they get older but right now they enjoy coming on the bus to tell me about what they are going to when they get home, or how they aren’t very excited to get to school. I wouldn’t be either if I had to go all summer to school. I try my very hardest to make the bus ride enjoyable and feel like quicker than it is.

So today as I was at work, I was talking to my little kids on my bus about what they wanted to be when they grew up. It was funny because they were giving me answers that I would never have said at that age. one little boy said “I want to be an olympic swimmer, with no swimmies.” They are four and five years old. Another girl told me she wanted to be a princess but one girl really shocked me, she told me she wanted to be a vet but only for lizards. I was surprised because she is a really girly girl. She told she has had a lizard in her house since she has been born. I thought that was really brave. I hate lizards. They scare me, and they are gross.

I remember when people asked me that question I would tell them I wanted to be a baby doctor. I would watch discovery health channel alot. It was weird, but even thinking about doing that makes me want to dry heave. I wouldn’t want anyone especially babies to be throwing up on me or crying in my face. ( God bless my pediatrician)

I really love talking to little kids because they are so honest. They will tell you they don’t  like or want to do something. They will compliment you and they mean it. They haven’t been corrupted by the social media and the world yet because their world consists of princesses and talking cars. Childrens thoughts are wonderful and beautiful.

When I was little, I remember that I always wanted to grow up. I always wanted to be older because my cousins were older and I wanted to be as cool as them. My cousin Joan especially. When I was little, I was always thought my cousin Joan was too cool for me. She is four years older than me I wanted to be just like her. I wanted to have friends like hers. But I knew that I was always going to be younger than her, now that we are older we have alot more in common and she invites me to go places with her and her friends. I finally belong and I’m not the “baby cousin” anymore.

Little kids have hopes and dreams that in their minds are unrealistic but in their brains, nothing is impossible. I wish adults thought the same. Children don’t have to worry about money and grades and drama and broken hearts. The only terrible thing they have to worry about is whether or not they have a good snack.

For a long time I told myself I didn’t want to have children. I thought they were going to ruin my life. It’s a risky thing because you never know what the father of that child will do. He could just leave you and try to take your child with him. But after being with these kids for the last few weeks. its making me second guessing my boycott against children. Having a kid ( not right now) would be fun, I think. I know my mom had fun. At times I was a pain in the ass but I know no matter what, she will love me and always will.

Enjoy the Day!


A Mothers Love.


A mother’s love is unconditional

But at times I tend to disagree.

Reprimanding them because

That’s not what you wanted them to do

Like they’re fucking robots or dogs.

You carried them for nine months

All because of a twenty  minuet fling.

You take it out on your child

Because you aren’t getting laid every week

Like you used to.

Now she’s four and you haven’t had a good night sleep in 3

And you sip black coffee like an adult.

You bring her to dance classes and soccer games

In a minivan you bought

A year after she was born.

You have stickers on your windows

And sing along CD’s instead of Aerosmith

In your radio.

Radio Disney is the first station programmed instead of z100

And you haven’t had a drink in four years.

But you love her.

You love her because when they put her in your arms you cried

Because you were tired and thought she was beautiful.

She will always be beautiful

Because she is yours.

And her love for you

Will be unconditional.


Picture Perfect Dreams.

There are things we dream of

Like a big house and a family

2 boys

1 girl.

A white picket fence

And a golden retriever

That you will probably name buddy

But you see in reality

The fence with get dirty

The children will grow

And life will change.

There won’t be a need for a playground in the backyard

Or lemonade stands in the summer

You will start to worry about

Curfews and dates

And broken hearts

Children think that life is a picket fence

Waiting to be jumped over

But I say it’s more like barbed wire

You must get hurt

In order to escape

This world we live in is very cliche I’ve noticed.. but my  generation is trying to change that, and I am very happy :) 

Congrats to all the 2012 Middletown High School North Grads! You’re finally out of hell! 


Why She Smiles.

I look at this woman
With a bobbed haircut and stained jeans
And think
How can she be so happy?

Her world is crumbling around her
But she is happier than I
Will ever be.
She places her two children on a bus
And wave to them as they leave
They don’t notice the tears
Rolling down her face
They notice her bright smile
illuminating the never ending gloomy day
And that is all.
But that is not what I see
I see a mother I could never be
I see a guilty woman
Who blames herself everyday
For the outcome of her children’s lives
Her hard exterior sheds
whenever they aren’t around
She doesn’t want them to see
how much it kills her
that they can’t be normal.

She sits on the sidewalk
with her head in her hands
She screams
” Our Father,thou art in heaven”
Like She thinks prayers
will take her to heaven
But she doesn’t know
with every breath she takes
Her ticket to heaven
Is already waiting for her

I am a bus aid on a handicapped bus for children with special needs. I met one of the moms the other day and she really got me inspired. I could never be her. I pray I will never become her. But I admire her greatly. 

Be thankful for what you have and who you are, your life could be a million times worse.